I Believe in Yesterday

Jade's POV

After listening to Remembering Sunday, I couldn't handle standing there anymore. And it wasn't only the fact that the song had really hit home (wherever that was) and sent me reeling with so many emotions that I couldn't even process, it was the face Alex had made after he had finished singing it, the face that showed how he really felt after all these years.

The face that showed as much confusion as my feelings did right after he looked away.

It had only taken one look to Matt for him to kiss my forehead and watch me walk away as I all but sprinted to the bus waiting ominously in the almost deserted parking lot.

I didn't want to get on the bus however. So I did the only thing my mind could think of doing when something became to hard for me to handle.

I ran.

My feet pounded against the pavement, my Nikes slapping against the concrete as I turned my head in either direction to figure out just where the hell I wanted to go. It seemed like nothing was right, nothing made sense anymore and both sides on either side of me were merging into one fast paced blob that I was dodging away from. I knew I needed to run, run away from the reality Alex had pushed me into with just a few lyrics in a song he had written on a record for the word to hear. He knew it would hurt me, hurt him, but the fact that innocent teenage girls were singing the words back with smiles on their faces was what killed me even further. They could smile up at him and listen to words without a problem. But I couldn't. I couldn't because it hurt to much to realize how much I had hurt him and myself because of the mess I had dug myself into.

My mind raced with an explanation of where to head to when I saw a van door slam open and a ginger head of hair begin to emerge, a short brown haired boy leaned against the white siding.

I slowed my pace, looking over at the two boys, deciding on whether or not to approach them and try and use them as distractions from what was going on inside the venue. If it had been anyone else, anyone, I would have kept running but something pulled me towards them, something I couldn't explain. It wasn't attraction-- I wasn't so shallow as to like someone based purely on looks-- but the fact that they reminded me that I could be myself, that I could be the Jade I used to be without being brutal and build a wall around myself.

“Jade?” I shook my head of all doubts and questions as I smiled shyly over at the two, a grin forming on both their lips as the smaller of the two ran over to me, developing my body in a hug.

“Hey, Jade...gross, you're kinda sweaty,” Garrett said, dropping me from his arms and backing away, wiping at his t-shirt in a playfully disgusted way.

I laughed softly, turning to look at Jared as he smiled at me, opening his arms for a more friendly hug. Slowly, I walked into his arms hugging him back before pulling away with that same soft smile on my face.

“So, where were you running to?” Jared asked, looking pointedly over at his friend who was rocking back and forth almost obnoxiously on his heels.

I shrugged, “Don't know actually. I was kinda just...running away I guess.”

“From where?” Garrett asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Um...” I looked quickly over at Jared and he seemed to understand immediately my discomfort with this particular question.

“Dude, don't be so nosy. Go chat with your boyfriend.”

“Pat isn't my boyfriend.”

“I didn't say he was.”

Garrett glared at the grinning ginger before stalking off in the opposite direction, leaving Jared and I alone in a silence that was surprisingly not awkward.

“So, why don't you tell me why you were running away from the venue,” Jared pushed, and upon looking over at him, I knew that he wasn't one to allow things to blow over easily.

“I was running away from the venue because...” I began, my eyes drifting to the cracking cement. There was a long pause and I looked up at Jared, his eyebrow raised and his face expectant of an answer. I sighed before continuing, “because I'm an idiot to every degree.”

Jared's expression became confused, “How so?”

“Because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I looked up at Jared, tears welling in my eyes as I thought back to the first kiss Alex and I shared, the first time I met him and all the judgments I made, the nights I laid in bed with him, the warmth on my skin every time he touched me. Every little thing we had done together came flooding back and I swear Jared could have seen it all if my life played on a movie screen through my eyes.

He grabbed my wrist softly in his more calloused hands, leading me to the dingy white van he had been searching through before sitting down at the edge of the doorway, pulling me down next to him as our feet still touched the pavement.

He cradled me in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder as he rubbed circles into my back and shushed me though no tears fell from my eyes.

After a while, I think he realized this and pulled back, my head coming up off his shoulder.

“It helps to cry,” He muttered, looking between my green eyes that were brimming with unshod tears.

I shook my head, “I can't cry.”

He scoffed, “Liar. I can see the tears in your eyes.”

“Its not that I can't cry its that I can't cry.”

Jared stared at me, watching as I pushed his arm away from me and slid a small distance away from him, looking away from his eyes. His eyebrows knitting together in confusion though he didn't push the matter, continuing on with our conversation.“Why?”

I licked my bottom lip, the chapped skin crumpling under my tongue, “I can't be weak.”

“Crying doesn't make you weak, Jade,” Jared said, laughing slightly, “It means that you have feelings. That you're a human being.”

“But it also shows that someone hurt you and that they can do it again.”

“Is that what this is about? Someone hurt you?” Jared asked, moving forward again to break our distance, placing a hand on my cheek as his vision flickered between my eyes.

I was silent for a long time, just looking into Jared's kind, caring face and deciding whether or not he was worth trusting. Their was something so familiar about the way he was looking at me was just so similar to someone I had known that it made me trust him. It made me believe that with him, I could be okay. It reminded me of someone that I knew but I couldn't place who.

“Its not who hurt me...its what I did to hurt them and how I'm paying for it now.”

Jared sat back slightly, his back straightening but his eyes never leaving mine as he thought about what I had said.

“Who did you hurt?”

“Everyone I loved.”

Jared continued to stare at me as he processed what I said once more, before I swear I could hear the clicking sound go off in his head, “All Time Low...your sister...” As he listed off the names, I nodded along, my eyes closing as the names brought on more tears I refused to let go of.

“We were best friends,” I began, opening my eyes to look at Jared who was leaning against the door of the van. And I told him everything. I told him about how I had refused to let myself get close to the group before I finally realized that I was happier there than I was before. I told him about my brother's suicide and about letting myself open up to Alex Gaskarth. I told him about Lisa and Alex's relationship and the bimbos. I told him about returning to Essex and then coming back to Lutherville. I told him about getting together with Alex and how everything fell apart after that. I told him about the fights and how I ran away. I told him about hiding away with Matt for two years and how I felt now.

I told him everything and the best part was, he listened to all of it. He truly cared about me and when I was done telling my story, not a tear shed the entire time, he nodded and stood up from his seat on the van's floor.

“Listen,” He said, kneeling down in front of me on the pavement, “I could tell you that everything could be okay and that your life will turn into a fairytale, but that's not true and I can't lie to you because I'm a pretty shitty liar. But what I can tell you is that you'll live through whatever Alex throws at you because you're strong and better than whatever he says. You've had some pretty shitty stuff to deal with and yeah, maybe you didn't make the right decisions on some of that stuff, but its too late to change and now, you're job is to deal with the consequences.”

“Sounds pretty shitty to me,” I sighed, pushing my mouth to the side as I sniffled through my tears still blocked in my eyes.

Jared shook his head, smiling, “Yeah, but the best part is that you've got me to help you with that.” And for the first time in a long time, I grinned. Not because I knew he was helping me through all the shit I had to deal with, but because I felt like I had a true friend.

“Now,” Jared said, tapping my knee before standing up, his hand extended, “I hear there is a party going on and I would like to attend with my friend Jade. Would you happen to know where she is?”

I shook my head, giggling, “No, but I'm sure I can help you walk over to the party for the time being.”

“As you wish my fair maiden,” Jared said, bowing low before hooking my arm through his and skipping off to a different part of the lot, my legs jumping right along with him.

----------------------

“Shall I fix you a drink?” Jared had been talking to me in a terrible British accent for the past 5 minutes we had been here. As soon as we had arrived at the “party” on All Time Low's bus, he had brought me over to a small group consisting of Kennedy, Garrett and a couple of guys from their crew who I later found out to be named Max and Tim- the latter was Pat's older brother and their manager. We had talked and gotten to know each other better. I was really starting to enjoy the company of The Maine boys and with them nearby, I found myself actually being able to enjoy some of tour life.

I nodded my head, watching as Jared grabbed a beer from the cooler, looking around before handing it to me, pressing his finger to his lips, “Don't tell anyone I gave that to you. I don't wanna provide to minors.”

“But aren't you a minor?” I asked, whispering with him as I popped the tab on the beer can.

“Yeah, don't mention that either,” He whispered, shaking his head before his toothless grin formed on his face, a giggle escaping through my lips.

“You're secret is safe with me, Captain Ginger,” I said, saluting him with a playful seriousness to my tone and facial features.

“At ease, Private Brunette,” He said, nodded his head firmly before taking a long gulp of his own drink, my actions following suit.

“You know,” I said after swallowing the liquid, “I wasn't a brunette two years ago.”

Jared's eyebrows raised, “Really now.”

I nodded, “I used to be a blond.”

Jared smirked, “Well, blonds do have more fun. Maybe you should consider going back.”

I shrugged before taking a sip of my drinking. Someone near the back of the bus yelled Jared's name and the two of us turned towards John, Jared's band mate, as he made his way toward us.

“Hey Jade,” John crookedly grinned down at me, one of his hands clutched around a red plastic cup.

“Hey John,” I shyly smiled back as he nodded his head before turning toward his ginger friend.

“Pat went into Rat Boy mode. You gotta see man!” The taller of the two exclaimed, clutching onto Jared's arm and tugging him away from me inch by inch.

“Yeah, hold on John, I'll follow up in a sec.” The gangly brunette jogged away, maneuvering around tipsy band members and brew as he went to the back lounge where a small crowd had formed.

As soon as John was out of sight, Jared turned to me, “I would invite you but Rat Boy is kinda...well, you need to ease into it or else you'll die of absolute absurdity.” I nodded, smiling up at Jared and his apologetic facial expression.

“Its okay, Jared. I won't die if you're not here.”

“Yeah, I know. You're a secretive bad ass, I get it,” He grinned, putting his drink on the counter as he pulled me into a brief hug, “I'll see you later okay?”

I nodded, watching as Jared followed in his band mates footsteps to the howling crowd in the lounge.

Sighing, I turned away, looking around the bus at the faces I barely knew. Honestly, I had no idea why I had agreed to the party, maybe in the hopes that I could be comfortable around one friend that I had made. I hadn't thought about what it would be like when he wasn't around.

I decided to search for my boyfriend but stopped myself, knowing that he would be finishing up with some tour work, not in the mood to party with a bunch of people who hated him slightly less than myself.

“What are you doing here?”

The harsh words sounded from behind me and I felt my close at how stupid I had been for forgetting he would be here; it was his tour bus, how could I have thought that I could avoid him?

Slowly, I turned around, looking at Alex with his hair messed atop his head, cup in hand with a flannel shirt opened on his torso, revealing a white v-neck t-shirt. I couldn't think of anything to say mainly because I didn't want to say the wrong thing; it seemed that every little thing I did lately annoyed someone on the bus. I couldn't stand up in the lounge because I was blocking someone's view and I couldn't sit down on a couch because I would be in someone's seat. I couldn't stare too long at anyone in fear of being yelled at for watching them. And if I wasn't staring or standing or sitting I was being yelled at just for being around. I was wrong, I knew that, and they had to make sure I had it permanently burned in the forefront of my mind.

“Did you hear me? I asked what you were doing here,” Alex spat, glaring at me with a growing snarl on his lips.

“I came here with-”

“With who?” Alex asked, walking forward as I backed up a few steps til my back hit the counter behind me and Alex was standing right there, ominously looking over me, “Who would want to be here with you?” He sneered, his voice quieter though it was the only thing I could hear over the booming music and chatter from the people around us.

“Please, just let me go. I don't want to be here as much as you want me here,” I nearly pleaded, looking up into his fiery brown eyes, watching as he glared down at me over his nose.

“You shouldn't have come here in the first place. You shouldn't even be here, on this bus in the first place. You should have just left us alone while you still could,” He whispered maliciously, his face nearing mine, never breaking the fiery contact he had with my eyes.

I pushed away from him then, slamming my beer can down on the counter and slithering my way around every person I passed until I was off the bus and closing the door behind me.

I pressed my body against the bus' side, taking in deep breath after deep breath but to no avail. Tears dripped down my cheeks as I quickly wiped them away with the palms of my hands, my cries becoming more and more hysterical with each passing second.

How could I let Matt manipulate me into coming on a tour barely saw him at, fighting off the hateful words on my own accord because he was busy being the working mind behind the tour.

The door popped open again and turned to see who had come outside only to wish I hadn't.

“I wasn't finished yet, Bates,” Alex said walking forward, his drink abandoned now.

“I know, Alex. You have two years of anger pent up but please...leave me alone,” I said, my voice thick with tears.

But that didn't stop him.

“We were happy, did you know that? While you were off fucking our friend, we were happy without you. Sure, you broke us in more ways than one. I mean, you really screwed us over. But we got over it. We got over you.”

“Please stop,” I continued to plead, tears falling faster down my cheeks as he walked forward, a demonic grin forming on his face.

“Did I hit a nerve, Jay Bird?” The loving nickname he had once used was now an insult as he spat the words into my face. “Come on, fight back. I know you want to. I know this is just fueling the fire. I know you want to hit. me. Come on, Jay Bird, hit me! Hit me and then act like it never happened. Hide it from everyone. Lie. You never had any trouble doing that.”

“Please,” I mumbled, my body shrinking as I abandoned the wall of the bus and began walking backward toward the venue, hoping to find Matt somewhere inside.

“Gonna run away? Wouldn't be the first time,” He spat, his words getting angrier and angrier. I knew this was just the tip of the iceberg to what he really wanted to say.

My eyes drifted from the ground as I felt my feet stumble on rocky pavement, my legs giving out from under me as I crashed to the ground. I looked up to the bus, my eyes meeting a pair of shining blue in the window where a party swam around him. I watched as he darted from the window and away from my view.

Alex stood over me then, my eyes drifting to his as he glared down at me.

“How could you come back here and think that everything would be fine? How could you come back here and hurt me again? Don't you know how much it just hurts to even look at you?” He whispered, the bite still in his words as he looked down at me.

“You don't even know anything about me anymore, Alex. None of you do,” I whispered, my eyes looking passed him as the bus door opened and a body made its way toward Alex and I on the other part of the parking lot.

“I don't think I ever did,” Alex whispered, looking away from me as the person finally made their way to me.

“What's going on?” Garrett said, pushing passed Alex and extending his hand toward me, inspecting my face that I could only imagine was puffy and red from crying so much.

Alex chuckled, clapping Garrett's shoulder as the shorter of the two turned to look at the singer, “Don't worry 'bout it, Gary. Just Jade and I catching up on old times.”

“Dude, she was sitting on the ground crying. I think I have a right to worry about it,” Garrett said, pulling me into his chest and letting me rest my forehead against his shoulder.

“Just go inside, Garrett. We were just joking around,” Alex said, the smile slowly dropping from his face.

“Leave her alone, Alex. What did she do to you?”

Alex looked at me, shaking his head slowly as he shoved his hands in his front pockets, “Too much.”

And with that, he walked away, leaving Garrett and I to watch after him as the boy holding onto me rubbed circles into my back as I watched the boy walk away who had torn me apart.