I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

I woke up with a jump, the contents of my own dream startling me awake. Disturbing figures I couldn’t make out perturbed my subconscious, making me want to thrash around and scream. But once I had opened my eyes, my breathing calmed and the dream was barely memorable. After I had caught my breath, I looked to my left, where Jack was mumbling, half asleep on me.

I was lying down on the couch in the lounge where Jack and I had fallen asleep last night watching late night reruns of Leave It to Beaver together. It explained why Jack had also fallen over in his sleep, resting his head on my hip and squishing my legs with his shoulders.

With Jack asleep on me, I thought back to last night. I remembered hearing Matt and Jade whispering in their bunk. I tried ignoring it, but trying not to think about it made me think about it even more. I couldn’t figure out how Jade could still be so happy with Matt despite the circumstances they were in.

The whispering of the two put a picture of Sam in my closed eyes. I had remembered how Sam would whisper to Jade and me through our cracked doors at night. The hallway light flooded through the door, along with Sam’s deep conversations. All through the late nights, the two of us innocent, wide-eyed, ten year old girls listened as our big brother preached to us about life, the future and his advice.

Just like our parents couldn’t stop the talking, their bedroom on a floor below us, no one on the bus shushed Matt and Jade.

I wondered what they talked about. I wondered if Matt listened like Sam and I had when Jade talked.

Softly, I shifted to lift Jack off of me, trying to not wake him up. He was too heavy for me to move with just an arm so instead, I quickly jumped up off the couch by darting out from under him, letting him fall to the couch a little more harshly than I intended.

Jack slept through anything though, so I knew that wouldn’t wake him up. Slowly, I shut the back lounge door behind me and I lazily walked out to the front. I could hear that the crew outside the bus had already started to work, getting set up for the day. Only two people were up in the front lounge.

Rian sat on one side of the table and Alex was waiting for the toaster to pop up from his place on the couch, both of them making small conversation with each other as they sat.

“Hola chica!”

“Morning Bailey,” they both commented cheekily.

I smiled back, running my fingers through my snarly hair and walking up to the kitchenette. I didn’t have the most contented night sleep, but I couldn’t say it was my worst. Alex and Rian went back to chatting about the day ahead of them as I grabbed a bowl and poured some Cheerios into it.

“Matt said the in-store was at two, right? So what time are we leaving?” Rian asked taking a bite from a bagel dripping peanut butter on his lap.

“He didn’t say. I’d just guess that we meet at one, practice, or at least I warm up and we should get there on time.”

I pushed my spoon around in the milk, soaking the little o’s in the liquid. “Are all four of you going?” I spoke up. “Zack said he was taking me out to lunch today.”

“Yeah, but you’ll still have time to eat. It’s pretty early.” I nodded, staying quiet and taking a bite of the cereal. I continued to dabble in on the boys’ conversation when I wasn’t lost in my own thought about my sister and the previous night.

I wondered where Zack was; I hadn’t seen him since I left our bunk. He clearly wasn’t bothered by the whispering between Jade or Matt and slept soundly through it all. I sometimes wondered about what Zack really thought about the situation.

He always was by my side if I needed, unless he was working, and talked, listened and tried to calm me down and give advice. But I really thought he must have understood Jade, able to look past everyone’s mistakes and wrong-doings, and was happy to have an old friend back in his life, and mine as well.

He always had told me that he wanted to find Jade, to bring her back in mine and Alex’s lives. He saw how much we missed her and thought we would feel better if we were all reunited. I honestly did too, and even though I tried to stop thinking about her, getting my hopes up, and reminiscing in the past, I always wanted to see Jade again and be best friends again.

Instead, we all got what we had wanted and it wasn’t what we had expected. I never thought I would be this torn with my emotions and I didn’t think Alex knew a horrible bitterness would have been brought out from him. And now Zack was just stuck in the middle.

The Cheerios swirled around in my bowl. Just how Zack was being torn, and just how all my feelings were squished and rolling around and how this whole situation was mixed up with expectations and reality.

On cue, the bus door opened and at first a head of curly head bobbed up the stairs, moments later revealing a still sleepy looking Zack.

“Hey Zacky, baby,” Alex said in a baby voice. Zack smiled a crooked smile, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he grabbed the box of Cheerios and walked over to my bowl to pour more in, filling it to the top. My spoon became buried under the new, dry cereal and a couple o’s even feel over the side of the bowl.

He continued to walk away without saying anything and Rian studied Zack’s actions with a confused look on his face. “…Are you trying to get her fat, Zack?” Rian asked, chewing another bite of his bagel. Zack still didn’t say anything, but returned with a spoon in one hand and sat right next to me, throwing his other hand over my shoulder.

“Good morning,” Zack whispered in my ear, kissing my temple. I saw Alex smiling over Rian’s shoulder as we dug into our bowl of cereal together.

“Jesus Christ, you two are like a poster couple. Gag,” Alex said sarcastically as he got up to get his bagel that had just popped from the toaster. I smiled up at Zack, who was rolling his eyes at Alex’s comment, before planting a fast peck on his cheek and then going back to my cereal.

“Says you,” Zack said sardonically, adding in a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex laughed as he buttered his bagel. Throwing his knife in the sink, he put the bagel between his teeth and dug around in his pants pocket for his now ringing phone. I cackled at the struggle on his face and how his eyebrows crunched together in concentration as he tried to keep the bagel in his mouth, with no hands, as he rushed to find his phone before it stopped ringing.

Once he had his phone in hand, he glanced at the screen and smiled. “Hey love,” he said, turning around and seeing Rian making kissy faces at him. As Alex flicked off Rian, listening to the person on the other line, he started to back away. The sound of the bus door opening came a second later and his voice started to fade as Alex exited the bus to talk without distractions.

“Are you gonna have the last bite?” Zack nudged me, his mouth full with the Cheerios he shoveled in his mouth. I looked down at the bowl which was mostly milk now, with five Cheerios floating around in it. Zack had eaten most of my bowl, him being able to fit twice as much food in his mouth and him being twice as hungry as me.

I had literally had five bites of cereal, so I nodded saying I did want it. Zack used his spoon and chased the tiny grains around to try and fit the all on the spoon. “Hey,” I complained. “I just said I wanted them.”

“I know,” he smiled, holding up his spoon. “I got it for you.” Zack moved the spoon towards my mouth, going to feed me the last of my breakfast.

“Oh, okay!” I said, my attitude changing fast. I opened my mouth for him and closed it around the spoon, chewing the cereal as Zack ran the spoon over my chin, catching the extra drips that may have fallen from my mouth. It was like he was feeding a baby. “Thanks, babe,” I smiled at him.

“Mmhmm,” he smiled back cheekily, taking my chin in one hand and pulling my mouth to his and smothering our lips together. It was a sloppy, loving kiss that was probably a little more that Rian had wanted to see as he ate.

“Get a room,” Rian said dryly, keeping his eyes on the peanut butter bagel he was eating, rather than looking at us. I smiled against Zack’s lips before pulling away.

“Sorry, Ri. It’s gross, I know.”

“Wow thanks, Bails,” Zack nudged his knee against mine. I knew if we had been standing, he would have bumped my hip.

“Love you!” my voice sounded overly cheery as I batted my eyelashes dramatically, accompanied with a cheesy smile.

Zack smile back, “I love you too.”

“Seriously. Get a room. I don’t enjoy waking up to Zack and Bailey’s breakfast sex.”

All of our heads turned to where the new voice was coming from. There stood Jack in the bunk doorway, rubbing at his eyes from just pulling himself off the lounge’s couch. “Unless I can join,” he added with a goofy grin on his face.

“Sorry Jack, Zack doesn’t like three-somes.”

“You’ve tried?!” Jack yelled happily. I was joking when I had said that, but I didn’t say anything to crush Jack’s dreams. “KINKY!” his voice hollered again.

“Shhhh!!” Rian said immediately. “Goddamn, Jack. Some people are still sleeping!” he clarified with a harsh whisper.

Eyes still wide, Jack slapped a hand over his mouth and looked apologetically at Rian. “Wait,” Jack cocked his head to the side like a lost puppy, “Who’s still sleeping? The crews outside and we’re all up.”

Rian shoved the last of his bagel in his mouth and mumbled out, “Jade,” making it barely understandable. Making an ‘o’ with his mouth, Jack nodded put a finger to his lips, making his way to the fridge to find water.

“Not so much anymore.” I heard a small voice chuckled from the bunks and out came Jade, already dressed in a pair of holey jeans and a Led Zepplin tee.

“Morning Jade,” Rian smiled. I moment passed and no one really said anything and the air became awkward. Noticing it, Rian spoke again, “How was your sleep?” I wanted to answer for her; she had kept me up all night with her chatting with Matt. I’m sure she didn’t get a lot of sleep. I didn’t say anything though, and I stared at my empty bowl of cereal, swirling my spoon around in the milk.

I knew Rian was trying to make Jade feel comfortable in an odd situation, and I’m sure Jade knew he was straining for something to say too, but she smiled shyly and answered anyways.

That is, she would have if it wasn’t for Alex bounding back up the bus stairs. Once he was up, he took in the surrounding, noticing two more people had decided to get up and show their faces. When I saw Alex’s gaze land on Jade, a wave of sadness washed over his brown eyes. He covered it up well though.

“Ah, the great morning bird has finally awoken! Bringing so much joy for all of us this fine morning!” Alex’s voice was covered with spiteful sarcasm. I couldn’t help but cringe every time Alex made his asshole comments towards Jade.

I noted the look of sympathy Rian gave my sister. Jade didn’t see it though, she didn’t even meet Alex’s eyes. She just stared idly out of the window behind me, focusing on how the people were moving about outside.

No one said anything, making it pretty obvious we had all thought Alex’s comment was uncalled for. That didn’t stop Alex from adding more guilt to Jade’s plate. “I was actually wondering when you were going to wake up and grace us with your presence this morning.” Jade shifted her green eyes, looking down at her bare feet. “Yeah, Bailey here was actually looking for you.” Alex jerked his head towards me. “Oh wait…was that, was that today? Or was that…” Alex put a finger to his chin, tapping it dramatically and putting on a show. “Oh yeah. That was two fucking years ago!”

“Alex…” Rian warned softly.

“What did you think what going to happen when you came on tour with us, Jade? That we were going to welcome you back to us effortlessly, again? Just like we did when you ran your ass back to Lutherville after leaving for a month.”

Alex’s face was reddening with anger and I saw Jade trying to shrink back. Her green eyes met mine for a moment, pleading silently with me, before flickering back to her feet.

“Life fucks you over, Jade. You don’t just run when it becomes hard. I know Sam was “such a great guy!” and all, but you don’t fucking give up like him.”

That did it. I saw the emerald pools in Jade’s eyes freeze and her head snapped up to meet Alex’s eyes. I felt my chest lurch too. Alex had taken it too far. I felt bad and he wasn’t even giving me crap. I was just sitting here quietly, the guilt weighing me down.

I knew I should have said something. I should have spoken up, but I just couldn’t. I looked around shyly, Zack, Jack and Rian were all looking at me, mouths agape. Their eyes were expecting, like what Alex had said was my cue to defend my sister. I knew that was my place. I had barely muttered two words to Jade since seeing her, and I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t get my mouth to open.

After hearing the cruel words Alex had spoken about my brother, images of my limp, bloody brother lying in the bathtub crowded my vision. Pain was in my eyes and my lip dared to quiver. I was so upset Alex had the nerve to insult my brother like that. I know he didn’t mean to upset me, and he really did think Sam would have been a great guy, he was just trying to get to Jade.

Alex had a cold, hard stare on Jade, it was like he was trying to break her with his eyes. Jade’s eyes were glued to Alex’s, and I could see the anger in them. I just didn’t know if she would have the guts to say anything back to him. The old Jade would have, but now, I just didn’t know Jade. She seemed hesitant and timid now.

Jade didn’t keep her eyes on Alex though, they flickered back to me. I knew everything she was thinking in just one fleeting look. She was leaning on me. She needed me to say something.

My green eyes were staring back at me, begging for me to say something. I knew Alex had gone too far but my mouth had gone dry. Shame washed over me as I took in the look of Jack. He was still pissed with Jade, yet he still was anticipating me to say something.

I looked back at Jade, seeing a flash of Sam in her eyes. Before I could say anything, I heard Rian’s stern voice. “Well she’s here now, isn’t she Alex?”

Alex looked at Rian, confused, realizing no one felt the same anger that he did. I saw sobs wracking Jade’s body and finally she let a tear slide down her cheek.

“I think you’ve finished, Alex,” Rian scolded, standing up to walk over to Jade and throw a comfortable arm over her shoulder. Without saying anything else, Rian led her off the bus and the rest of us were left in silence and in my case, guilt.

I felt Zack silently move his arm that was resting on the back of my seat and he sat idly beside me. I could tell he was disappointed that I hadn’t stood up for my sister. Feeling even worse, I looked down at my lap shamefully.

Alex had already locked himself in the back lounge and I could hear the T.V. being turned up to a deafly volume as he tried to come down from his anger high. Zack sat silently beside me where as Jack went back to digging around in the fridge. It was so still in the bus that I could hear the movement and chatter from outside the bus.

“Um so…did…did someone drink the rest of the orange juice?” Jack asked, trying to break the deadly stillness.

Zack ignored Jack’s comments, like usual, and I didn’t smile or laugh. Instead I stood up. “Will you excuse me?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I stumbled back to my bunk, left to replay the past thirty seconds in my mind, thinking about how easily I could have changed so much just by saying something.

But that had been Jade’s job. She was the one who was supposed to speak for us. I was the one who was supposed to think for us. This was all messed up. I needed my sister back, and I just realized that wanted my sister back, but why couldn’t I just let myself do it?