I Believe in Yesterday

Jade's POV

Waking up that morning, I could hear the whisperings from the front of the bus and I immediately knew that everyone was up except for myself. I sighed, turning over in the bunk to find that I was, once again alone to the safety of the small space. Slowly, I pulled out my phone from under my pillow and turned it on, waiting as it vibrated in my hand, signaling that it was ready for use. Waiting a couple seconds, no text message alerts came up and I opened a new message, addressing it to someone I hadn't talked to in a long time. Only, he had beaten me to it.

From: Bryan
Yo, you up yet?

I smiled, pressing reply before typing across the keyboard of my phone.

To: Bryan
Yup. I was actually JUST going to text you.

After pressing send, I dropped the phone against my stomach, placing my hands under my head and getting a good feel of what a mess my hair turned out to be after the sleepless night I had had. It was more or less like every night I had come across since the beginning of tour: nerves and the feeling of not being wanted filling my mind, causing a serious attack of insomnia to pursue. It sucked to say the least and every so often I couldn't help but want to run from the bunk and jump out the bus window just to prevent the suffocation of hatred I felt whenever I was on the bus.

The only time I ever felt good while on tour was when I was with the boys from The Maine.
They weren't judgmental and, though two of them knew my story, the group as a whole made me feel welcome and...loved which was something I hadn't felt since I left Maryland. It felt wrong to say that I hadn't felt loved since leaving Maryland because Matt was here and he was, after all, my boyfriend but he hadn't been very...well, he hadn't been there which was something Jared was constantly pointing out to me. I would always retort with saying that he was busy with the tour and all the things that tour managers do but he had stumped me the other day by pointing out how their manager was always around their van and willing to hang with the guys. I didn't know what Matt did but in the back of my mind, I just wanted to believe that he was the best thing that had happened to me since high school because he loved me. But the bigger part of my brain reminded me that I still hadn't confessed the one feeling that Matt already had: love. In all honesty, I don't think I was capable of saying the three words that changed a relationship. Maybe not everyone deserved love.

Maybe I was destined to a world of never happy endings.

My phone vibrated against my stomach and I picked it up, looking at the screen before opening the new text message.

From: Bryan
Weird. Hows the whole Alex shit going?

To: Bryan
Shitty. Well idk about today yet because I'm still in bed.

I smiled after sending the message knowing what Bryan's answer would be and the reply came in pretty quick.

From: Bryan
FOR FUCKS SAKE JADE! Get up and get
dressed, brush your hair cuz you'll probs need it.
Hang with the maine today and do something fun
because you suck so much right now for being
antisocial.

I laughed softly, typing a quick reply before pulling back the bunk curtain and walking to the back lounge where my clothes were laying on top of Matt's small bag that he had left behind. I grabbed my toiletries bag, my clothes and a pair of black and gray Nikes before making my way to the bathroom. I quickly changed into a pair of ripped jeans, an old Led Zepplin t-shirt that I had cut around the neck so it hung down past my left shoulder with a black tank top underneath and in the process showing off the inked word 'fall'. I brushed the tangles out of my hair and noticed the barely noticeable blonde starting to poke through the top of my hair; I would have to redye it soon. I put on my makeup and looked in the mirror once more.

I felt kind of good about how I looked and in turn I felt kind of good. Pulling out my my phone, I quickly sent out a text to Garrett and Jared telling them that I planned on attacking them with hugs because of my sudden good mood.

From: Jared
Are you on drugs?

I laughed, typing my reply as I listened to the screaming voice of an all too familiar person.

“You've tried?!” There was a small pause before the voice yelled in a louder tone, “KINKY!”

“Shhhh!” Another voice silenced the first immediately, “Goddamn, Jack, some people are still sleeping.”

There was the sound of slapping skin and then the first voice spoke again, “Wait, who's still sleeping? The crew's outside and we're all up.”

“Jade.”

“Not so much anymore,” I spoke, my voice cracking from lack of use this morning as the eyes of all of the people still residing on the bus turned to look over at me; I could slowly feel myself shrinking slightly under some of their gazes.

“Morning Jade,” Rian smiled, my mood brightening as I tried to focus mainly on him as to avoid the seemingly unwanted stares of the other people. “How was your sleep?”

I could tell he was just trying to make me feel even more comfortable with the situation and it helped, a lot. To be honest, just that smile he had given me was enough to go about the bus for the rest of the day. I had always loved Rian's smiles. I opened my mouth to speak but the hard footsteps making their way onto the bus broke the silence and all eyes fell to the opening at the front as Alex made his appearance. The moment his eyes fell on me, a flare seemed to go off in his eyes, emotions fading away as anger seemed to settle almost immediately.

“Ah, the great morning bird has finally awoken! Bringing so much joy for all of us this fine morning.” The sarcastic tone of his voice stung my heart as I remembered him using similar words back when I would wake up in his arms. I never knew that he could turn such loving words into such hurtful and spiteful stabs. I turned away from his eyes then, not wanting to look at him, but I could still feel all the stares of the people in the room as their eyes transfixed on me like an animal trapped behind the bars of a cage, little children throwing their candy at it as if to say that they were free and the animal wasn't.

“I was actually wondering when you would wake up and grace us with your presence this morning,” Alex began and I slowly shifted my eyes to the ground, knowing that his next words would only hurt me more, “Yeah, Bailey was looking for you,” I knew it was a lie and I knew there was more to come, but it didn't stop how badly my heart ached knowing that my sister was just sitting there on the couch, watching all of this happen, “Oh, wait....was that, was that today? Or was that?...” There was a small pause as I closed my eyes, waiting for the venomous punchline to his cruel joke, “Oh, yeah. That was two fucking years ago!” I felt the tears well up in my eyes knowing how badly it hurt to listen as Alex's words reverberated around my eardrums.

“Alex...” Rian warned softly; not even the tone of a friend's voice could stop the hurt of Alex's words.

I deserved this though.

“What did you think was going to happen on tour with us, Jade? That we were going to welcome you back to us effortlessly, again? Just like we did when you ran your ass back to Lutherville after leaving for a month.”

His words continued to stab harder and harder into my chest and body shrunk down, trying my hardest to dodge his words like the bullets shooting from a gun. I flickered my gaze over to my sister for a mere second, hoping to gain a reaction from her, but there was nothing; she sat motionless, watching as I was verbally abused in front of her and her friends.

“Life fucks you over, Jade. You don't just run when it becomes hard. I know Sam was “such a great guy!” and all, but you don't fucking give up like him!”

My head snapped up, my eyes staring back into Alex's as I listened to Sam's name being spat all over my frail and fragile form by the boy I had confided in about the tragedy of losing my brother. He had officially taken everything I had poured out to him and thrown it back at me, hitting me so hard that I had no other choice but to get angry. And I was angry. Very. Angry.

My eyes flickered to Bailey again, waiting for her to defend my brother, if not me but again, she was motionless. I needed her to say something. Anything. To defend me. To defend Sam. But there was nothing. I meant nothing. Nothing to her. And I didn't deserve her support and help.

A tear slowly fell down my cheek as I breathed a little deeper than before, trying to prevent to the rest of the tears from falling as well. I had never cried in front of them before and as the sobs shook my body, I knew that Alex was right. I couldn't even say that I loved my boyfriend and I couldn't stick around to face the reality I created after high school. I couldn't even cry over my brother's death until almost a year had passed. I have screwed up in the worst possible ways, bringing down others as I hit every branch on my way to the ground.

More tears fell from my cheeks as I thought about how much I had meant to everyone in the room only to tear it away from them in the end. And as my gaze fell to my sister again, another tear fell down my cheek as I looked at her closed mouth, unwilling to defend her sibling. I truly meant nothing if I was nothing to her.

I nodded my head, my eyes falling to the ground as tears after tears fell from my closed eyelids and my body lightly shook with unreleased sobs.

“Well she's here now, isn't she Alex?”

And suddenly, the room seemed even more eerily quiet as a hand placed itself on my back, rubbing through the fabric of my t-shirt before their arm wrapped around my shoulders.

My eyes picked up from the ground as I looked over at the owner of the arm, their bright smile bringing me a slight comfort in the dark atmosphere around me.

“I think you've finished, Alex,” Rian said, looking over at his band mate with an intensity that finalized the conversation. Rian squeezed my shoulder lightly as he started to lead me off the bus and into the parking lot. I was grateful for what Rian had done but I couldn't help but have wanted my sister's arm around me instead of the smiling drummer.

As soon as we were a good distance away, Rian unwrapped his arm from around my shoulders and turned to face me head on, his hands lightly gripping onto my forearms.

“Are you okay?” He asked sincerely, looking between my green eyes and my tears stained cheeks.

I shrugged, “I will be.”

My voice cracked and had a raspiness to it from crying and the weight of words and silence from a few minutes prior.

“Yeah, well, it was a dumb question anyway,” Rian grinned, dropping hands from my arms as I weakly smiled back, “So, what do you want to do?”

“You don't have to hang out with me, you know. It's probably better if you don't.”

“But, I want to,” Rian smiled, patting my arm in a friendly and sincere gesture. I smiled back, my mouth pulling farther up my lips as I looked into the eyes of the boy I always considered to be my best friend. It reminded me of the old times in Lutherville when he would come over to work on “projects” with me for “school” but we would spend the time talking, laughing and listening to new music. It reminded me of how, with a single smile, my day would brighten and everything seemed to lighten a bit around me. It made me think of our silly conversations as well as the deep discussions we sometimes found ourselves engaged in. It reminded me of how he stuck for me in front of the bimbos but tried to always push me in the right direction, even though I never listened to it. It reminded me especially of how he had been the first person to greet me into Lutherville with a smile and a helpful hand and he was welcoming me back into his life with the same gestures.

Rian would always be my rock.

“Okay then,” I said, a little pep entering my tone of voice, “I was planning on hanging with Jared and Garrett today. You can come with if you want...”

“Sounds like a party,” Rian grinned, wrapping his arm back around my shoulder as we walked toward The Maine's van.

Once in sight of the graffiti covered automobile, I pulled myself from underneath Rian's arm as a ginger and small brunette haired figures came into view, their bodies sitting on the edge of the opened van doorway as they conversed with each other.

“Jared, Garrett!” I called, a smile automatically covering my face as I caught the attention of the boys who smiled back at me jumping up from their seats and opening their arms.

Quickly, I turned to Rian, grabbing his hand in mine as I started running toward the two boys, laughing as I did so at Garrett's excited smile and Jared's obvious roll to his eyes. I felt Rian laughing with me, a more surprise tone to his at the fact that I was so carefree now, so happy. So much like the person I had left behind all those years ago.

When we reached the boys, I let go of Rian's hand, jumping into Jared's arms and throwing my legs around his waist as I hugged him around the neck, Garrett trying desperately to jump on my back to hug me from behind. When he realized his couldn't he whined, pulling on my t-shirt asking for his “Jade hugging time”. Finally, I jumped out of Jared's arms and into Garrett's who wasn't as prepared as I thought he would have been causing the two of us to fall to the ground amidst everyone's laughter.

“I like good mood Jade,” Garrett said, pulling himself off the ground before offering me his hand.

“Hold on!” Jared called, his finger pointing at my face, “Why does it look like you've been crying?” His finger then turned towards Rian who's eyes widened slightly at the sudden attention, “And why is Rian here?”

“Alex was being a dick this morning and totally put a damper on my good mood man,” I shook my head, looking over at Garrett who was a little more intensely angered when it came to Alex's harsh words toward me, “And Rian here helped a sister out.”

I looked over at Rian, smiling back at him as he pulled me into a sideways hug.

“Well, that's awesome man!” Garrett said, throwing his arms into the air before quickly retracting them and looking over at me, “I mean the Rian part not the Alex part.”

“I got it Gary, thanks.”

“Okay, just checking.”

“Well, I'm hungry and I'm assuming you haven't eaten yet, Jade, so I think we should go get something to eat,” Jared suggested, looking around the group as we all nodded.

“Yeah, I need some coffee,” Rian nodded and the four of us set off in search of food.

I noticed something as we walked on the sidewalk together, laughing and talking as we went. It came to me through the glances each boy would give me as if they needed to protect me and through the glaze over their eyes that reminded me of the night I confessed to Jared about what had happened back in Lutherville when I had first lived there and why everyone treated me the way they did. It reminded me of the look Garrett got every time I told him about what Alex had said and it reminded me of the looks Rian would give me when something had gone wrong back in high school and the tone of voice he had used when he talked to me shortly after I had arrived in Essex when running away with my sister.

It reminded me of the look I got when I had broken my leg at the age of seven with a bright green cast wrapped around my leg as he scribbled a couple silly lines in Sharpie marker. It reminded me of the look I got when I had gotten the flu while my parents had gone away for a week and he had been the one to take care of me. It reminded me of late night movie marathons cuddled up in thousands of blankets and pillows. It reminded me of the last conversation I had with him where he told me to be safe when he dropped me off at my guitar lesson. It reminded me of how he had told me he loved me one last time before driving off.

It was the look in his eyes then that I saw in the three boys walking in front of me.

Tears poured from my eyes too fast for me to wipe away and I didn't care. It made me think about how I hadn't ever really lost a brother after leaving Lutherville. I had lost Sam of course and no could take his place. But I had gained so much more and it only took the casual glances from Rian, Jared, and Garrett to realize that I had gained three more brothers, three more boys that could protect me, comfort me, and bring joy so quickly to my face even in the darkest of times.

“Jade?” We had stopped walking then and I focused my attention on the concerned faces of the three boys. “Are you okay?” Jared asked.

Suddenly, a figure shimmered from behind them, his green eyes shimmered along with his form, his jeans were clean and his ACDC t-shirt hung off his skinny frame, his hair perfectly disheveled on top his head. Sam smiled at me, nodding his head as he looked between the three boys his smile growing with each pass of his gaze. Tears poured from my eyes as he nodded once more, his hands lifting into the shape of a heart.

And then he was gone. But I wasn't alone.

“Jade?” Jared repeated, my focus falling back on him as Sam faded away the smile still etched on his face with his hands still in front of him. “You okay?” He asked as Garrett made his way forward, his hand wiping away at the tears continuously falling down my cheeks.

My eyes fell onto each boy, a smile on my face as I looked at them, the same look in their eyes. Quickly, I ran forward, embracing Jared and Rian in a hug, an arm thrown around each of their necks before I felt Garrett hugging me from behind.

“Jade, you're kinda freaking me out. Are you alright?” Rian said, he and Jared looking down at me with concern.

I nodded, tightening my grip around their necks.

“Better than I ever expected.”

And even through all the tough times had I gone through and had yet to go through on this tour, it helped to have three people that would really be there to help me push through it all.