I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

It was completely silent on the bus. That was something that neither Zack nor I had come across since the beginning of tour, when it was entirely empty of everything All Time Low. Either I was waking everyone on the bus up from my screaming nightmares or Jack was starting wrestling matches with Greico in the back lounge. I was either listening to Alex deal out crap to Jade or everyone was bustling around, running on and off of the bus to get ready for the show that night.

The noise that was unavoidable wasn’t the problem at all. I enjoyed almost every bit of this tour, saved for the lack of sleep and the more frequent than usual bickering with Zack.

Both of us couldn’t help the strain of business get in the way of our relationship. It had become hard to be in close quarters with each other and not be able to get a lot of alone time. It had become difficult to simply see each other during the day and I think the hardest part was knowing that we were always so close to each other every day.

Usually, the long distance relationship was defined by the thousands of miles that were put between us during tour. I was at Stanford; he was in Europe. I was back at home with Clara; he was traveling across the country. I was training for running season; he was in the recording studio. But now we saw each other every night. We lived in the same bunk. The distance was so much less but the physical closeness was still the same as if I was off at college.

We just didn’t have time. Even though I had taken the fall semester off from school, I still had intense training for spring track. Zack ran around from early morning interviews, afternoon sound checks and nightly shows. I helped Matt or Greico out when they needed it. And when Zack wasn’t working, we were having fun at a party, reuniting with old friends, or chilling with the band and crew on the bus.

Even though we probably could find some time to spend together during the social situations, we wanted to spend time with friends as well. Balancing each other and both of our emotions and moods were difficult. But in this moment, we both lay content on the bus couch. Everyone on tour had gone to the beach where there was a bonfire and a few drinks being shared.

It left Zack and I to be the only two people left on the bus. We lay in each other’s arms quietly and I had shut my eyes and let my back relax into Zack’s warm body. Once and a while I heard a scream or a booming laugh come from the distance beach where everyone was gathered. I was softly humming Cartel, barely audible to my own ears and Zack had the side of his head pressed against the back of my neck, making it easy for him to hear the soft tunes coming from my throat.

We had been resting in that position for a while. Zack’s fingers sometimes ran through my hair which lulled me to sleep. Both of us were tired and on the verge of falling asleep. Everyone had been tired from the past nights, waking up from me screaming and not being able to stop me. We also were enjoying the night, the warm breeze that drifted in through the open window and our heated skin that warmed the chilly leather we laid on.

“Bailey,” Zack’s voice whispered. I turned in his arms a little and repositioned my body so I could look up at him. I felt his thick arms squeeze my waist as he brought me closer to him. As I swiveled my neck and looked up at him, he buried himself in my neck and spoke with his lips tickling my skin. “Tell me you love me.”

I smiled lightly and turned fully so my stomach was pressed against his. My arms looped around his neck and I nuzzled to try and get even closer, finding it impossible because we were already so tight against each other. I moved my arms around his sides, laid my head on his and spoke gently but sincerely. “I love you, Zack.” He smiled and I could feel his lips turn up against my neck. “You know I love you.”

“I know,” he mumbled. He raised his head from me and kissed my nose cutely. “I just like to hear you say it.”

I rolled my eyes at him as a grin inched on my lips. My eyes lit up anyways, blushing a little at his cheesiness; it never failed, but I never stopped enjoying it. “You’re weird,” I teased, running my hands through his hair and resting them on the back of his warm neck.

Zack dabbled back, “So are you.”

“Mmm, good,” I murmured before our lips collided. Zack pulled away and buried his face back in the crook of my neck, letting out a tired breath that itched at my skin. We went back to staying still, just taking in the other’s breathing pattern. “You played a good set tonight.”

“You watched?” He sounded surprised as he moved his head to rest on the couch cushion, next to mine.

“Of course I did.”

“You’re amazing,” he smiled, kissing my lips once.

“I think my favorite is when you do Dear Maria during the encore.” He nodded, agreeing. “Wait no, The Beach.” He agreed again. “No actually, Coffee Shop Soundtrack.” Zack agreed with me again. “You know what? I can’t decide. I like it all!”

He chuckled. “Me too. I love it all.”

“Speaking of the band. Where are they?”

“The party is still going on and they’re out at the beach.” I sat up. I was torn between alone time with Zack and going to have fun with a bunch of my friends on the warm beach. “Would you like to go?” Zack eyed me amusingly, knowing I wanted to. I nodded shyly. He laughed and wiggled out between me and the back of the couch. “Well let’s go then, miss!”

I took the hand that he was offering to me and jumped up from the couch, “Let’s go!”

The fire crackled and popped in the dark night, but it was barely audible over the waves of the Florida beach and distant drunken cries. The sky was clear to let the stars twinkle brightly and make for a good night to have a party.

Not just everyone from All Time Low’s band and crew had gone to the beach, everyone on the tour was there. Apparently it had started out around the fire, but by the time Zack and I had joined, the few beers that were being passed around turned into coolers full and an open bar in Every Avenue’s van. Quickly it turned into a stumbling mess.

Nonetheless, the warm breeze fluttered my eyelashes and the chilled sand stuck to my skin as I sat next to Zack. We were watching Rian, Dave, Josh and Vinny play a tackle keep away game of football. All of them were drunk off their asses and I couldn’t help but laugh at how funny they looked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tall, wobbly figure running in our direction. Zack’s beer splashed out of his hand and onto the sand when Jack ran into him, not having enough common sense to stop himself before the human obstacle. I watched as the liquid soaked into the little pebbles, leaving the surface damp and darkened.

Jack had Zack’s face in his hands, examining him centimeters from his face. Stumbling a little, he shoved Zack’s face away and slurred, “Nope,” before side-stepping to me.

Roughly, his long fingers groped my face and just like Zack he was examining my face at too close of quarters. His giant brown eyes looked even larger two centimeters from mine. He scanned my face, breathing his thick alcohol breath and a waft of seaweed smell up my nose.
I opened my mouth to ask Jack what he was doing and why he had a pile of seaweed on his head, but before I could my face was shoved away and he mumbled, “Nope!” Next he moved onto Melanie.

“What are you doing, dickhole?” she asked, just as drunk as everyone else.

Jack didn’t answer her question but instead looked her up and down. “Heeyyy, pretty lady.” He had his hands covering most of Mel’s face as he examined her just like he did with Zack and me.

“Fuck off, dude,” she slurred, smiling sloppily at him. He rubbed his nose all over her face, up and down. I watched a little confused at how they were acting toward each other in their drunken stupor. It was…cute?

“I’ll be back,” Jack stated, pointing up his pointer finger up in the air in declaration before running off towards a girl about my height. Beside me, Zack was laughing, opening up a new drink.

I smiled distractedly with him but mostly watching Jack as he talked with Jade. They looked like they were laughing. Jade was actually smiling and it made me smile too. It reminded me of when we could all be around each other and smile. When all eight of us were so close and so comfortable with each other. We might not have been able to all feel like friends now, but when we were drunk, everything seemed to just be a little better.

I sat staring at how Jack and Jade were interacting with each other. Touching and being playful, just like old times. It had been so long since both of us actually resisted our friend’s acquaintance. I thought back to high school, when no one knew anything about us and when the two of us struggled to let them in.

Jade was silent for a while, looking at the ground. “It’s not just that!” Her voice echoed down the empty hallway. “It-It’s…It’s just everybody. Everyone is toying with my emotions!” Her voice crack and she lowered her voice. “I don’t get it. They just keep getting in my head and getting me to…to let them know me. I hate that they all care! They don’t even know me.”

Who said that Jade and I were complete opposites, what Jade had just said out loud was what rolled around in my head. Everyday. I knew the feeling. She felt so comfortable and loved, that everyone could just make me feel like I could say anything and tell everything. But then I remind myself that they don’t understand. They can’t understand what it’s like to have so much to say, and know, that if I say it that I will be judged, not accepted, run away from.

It had been so long since I had felt like that. I had been so loved by everyone. And Jade had been too. I looked back to Jade and Jack. Jade was walking away from Jack towards the edge of the dark beach. She picked up her pace and started to run away faster.

Now I was on the other side but Jade was put back into the vulnerable position that we were in before. Except this time, she was judged, not accepted, run away from.

Jack came trotting back over to us, looking triumphant. “What the fuck were you doing before, Jack?” I asked, confused.

He smiled, grabbed my hands and yanked me up off of the sand to stand in front of him. He started to swing our hands back and forth. “I was looking for Alex! He is my hermaphitey!”
Behind us, I heard Zack mutter “dumbass” and Melanie was laughing. “I NEED A QUEEN!!” Jack randomly burst and spun in circles, yelling, “ALEX! I NEED A QUEEN!!”

Startling me, he turned back to me and grabbed my face. “Bailey! You’re like Alex. All pretty and…stuff. You will be my queen!”

Quickly, Jack swept me off of my feet and I was being thrown over his shoulder like he did all the time. I clawed for Zack, grabbing his hand and holding onto him for dear life, not wanting to be taken away by a sweaty, almost naked Jack.

Zack only laughed, grabbed my hand and kissed it, and then let me go.

I punched at Jack’s back and kicked my feet. “FUCK YOU ZACK!”

“FUCK ME ZACK!” Jack yelled, making me giggle, the alcohol starting to get to me. I grabbed the seaweed off of him and started hitting him with it. “John! Derek!” Jack yelled. “Help me tame this beast!” he yelled again, slapping my butt. Immediately John Ohh and Derek Sanders stumbled over and grabbed each of my limbs.

Finally music was brought to the party and the three ran over to the stereo. Together, they spun me in circles to the beat, making me want to throw up everything I drank that night. They ran in circles, spinning me faster and faster around the beach floor. Things like this used to make me blush a deep red color. People staring, people laughing. I used to hate it. I remembered when Jack use to embarrass me all the time in high school.

I meandered through everyone, smiling at the people that looked familiar to me. The truth was, I never really talked to any of these people but I knew that Alex or Rian had known them so they were invited. Luckily, Jack pulled me out of my loneliness.

“Ay Baybay!” he yelled as he ran through the hallway to my place in the living room. “Let’s get this party started!”

Before I could even ask what he meant, he grabbed my arm and ran over to the stereo and blasted the music. He then led me to the middle of the room where the coffee table and couch would usually be, but they were pushed in to the corners of the house to make room for intermingling and in Jack’s case, dancing.

He started swaying to the beat and moving his hips to accompany the loud bass. “Come on Bailey, dance with me!” He grabbed my hands and tried to get me moving but I didn’t. Instead, my arms just swung loosely with Jack’s movement. “Please Baybay?!” He looked at me with a pout and my face turned red when I looked around at everyone looking at us.

“Jack,” I hissed. “Everyone is looking!”

“So?!”

“And no one else is dancing!” I murmured again.

Jack then started to do a weird dance, flailing his hands in the air and jumping around. “So! Be a trendsetter, Bailey!” he said in one of his bizarre accents. I blushed again as I looked around at the people smiling at Jack. Finally I gave in and let Jack swing me around.

Now I felt the exact opposite. Now I was giving into the boys and dancing drunkenly with them. My body moved awkwardly as they were still spinning me.

After they got bored, I was dropped in the sand and Zack crawled over to me. He propped himself up on his elbow. “You know, green looks great on you,” he commented smirking. I stuck my tongue out at him and reached up to get the seaweed Jack dropped on me, off of my shirt.

Abruptly, Zack grabbed my arms, making me jump. “Look! Look! Look!” he yelled, taking my hands in his and yanking me up and along with him towards a random spot. He had dragged me to an area far away from the rest of the people.

“What, what?” I said frantically. Looking around, I couldn’t see anything to get alarmed about.
He turned around and beamed at me, suddenly changing from his frantic emotion. A sexy, coy smile rose on his lips. “It’s an empty spot of sand. No one around.”

I quickly caught on to what he was saying and laughed. Roughly I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him towards me and he smashed his lips against mine forcefully.

“Have you been drinking tonight?” I teased after pulling away from Zack’s lips, tasting the strong alcohol on them.

“Why yes I have,” Zack grinned slyly at me, “Officer.”

“I think I’m going to have to arrest you,” I whispered, sliding my hands slowly and suggestively down his arms and breathing heavily against him.

“Well is there anything I can do to get out of it?”

“You can show me your boobs.” He looked at me confused and I laughed. “Oh wait, that’s me!”

His fingers rubbed over my hips and up my sides. “How about we compromise? You show me yours.” He let his hands rest right under my bra line.

Playing back, I slipped my hands in the back pockets of his jeans and then pushed him against me. “And what will you do for me?”

I felt him pick me up from under my thighs and he kissed me once again. Through his ragged
breath he answered. “I’ll let you.”

I stared down at Zack’s hands and how they fit with mine flawlessly. We walked through the sand with our bare feet, carrying our shoes with the hand that wasn’t entwined with the others.

The night breeze was still blowing and it ruffled through my hair as we returned to the party. I was lost in thought at how completely perfect everything was. Nothing seemed wrong and all the bothers that I had disappeared. Sometimes it only took a little reminder of how much you loved someone to remember how lucky you really were.

“Holy shit! You just had sex!” I looked up wide-eyed and my eyes darted round the beach to the people left standing upright.

I was still stumbling a little and dizzy from all the drinks I had had so it took me a moment to connect with John. He sat cross legged in front of the fire with a smirk on his face as he watched Zack and I rejoin the party. I gave John the stink eye and he just laughed, flicking his hair off to the side.

Self-consciously, I ran my fingers through my hair and straightened my shirt. “I’m going to go get something to drink. You want anything, babe?” Zack asked softly as I sat down in front of the fire.

“Water, please.” Kissing my temple, he walked off trying to find the drinks.

“Mm, mm, mm! You, Bailey Bates, are one scandalous little lady,” John said with an obnoxious voice. “Fucking on the beach is sexy.”

“Shut up, John!” I laughed and slapped his shoulder. Ignoring the hit, he lay down on his back and placed his hands behind his head.

“I’m kidding, Bails. Cool it,” he smiled, offering me an arm. Smiling back, I scooted in the sand towards John and copied him by lying beside him and letting him wrap his arm friendlily around my shoulder.

We lay by the fire silently for a while, me waiting for Zack to get back. I was staring at the flames and letting the calm crackling and popping of the dying fire put me to sleep. Most people had gone back to their bus or left to go to the next city. The rest of the people still on the beach were passed out or lying by the fire, talking quietly.

I felt a thud by head. I opened my eyes and looked to my left to where a water bottle landed and had startled me. When I gazed up at Zack, he had a pouty scowl on his face.

“Here’s your water,” he spat.

I was about to thank him, but then I noticed how upset he was. Zack started to walk away and I stood up and went after him. “Whoa, Zack are you okay?” He didn’t answer me at first, so I asked him again. “Zack! Are you okay?” Finally he stopped walking and turned around to face me.

“Does it look like I’m alright to you?”

“What’s bothering you? You were totally fine a couple minutes ago! We were…really happy.” I smiled at the thought of how blissful I had been.

“I’m just…It’s annoying that…” he continued to stumble over his words, trying to find the right thing to say. “We just…we don’t get a lot of time together, Bailey. And then I walk away for two minutes and you…you turn to someone else.”

He was looking at me with his body language rigid and his eyes fiery. I knew he wanted to yell, but he was in public so he stayed reserved.

“Wait…wait…You’re annoyed that…I was talking with John?”

“It’s just…annoying.” He crossed his arms stubbornly.

“It’s annoying…that I actually have other friends outside of your band?”

He rolled his eyes meanly. “No. That you just…leave and go lay with some other guy!”

I was completely taken aback by what he had said. I didn’t know what I was expecting him to be mad about, but I completely wasn’t expecting that. It had never, ever bothered him that I was close with other boys, especially since I practically lived with him, Alex, Jack and Rian. Boys constantly flirted with me and I just laughed it off. Zack’s friends always made dirty jokes about me and we all just laughed. Where was all of this coming from?

“So…you want to control who I talk to? I can only talk to girls?!”

“No, it’s not that, Bailey. I don’t care if you talk to a girl or a boy or a transsexual! Just…can’t you understand what I’m trying say?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I see what you’re saying,” I spat. I gave up, not wanting to fight anymore. I thought I understood what he was saying, but Zack sometimes could use so little words. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so close with John? But, I have done that before and it didn’t mean anything? I just hadn’t thought about it and wasn’t thinking straight. Most importantly, I didn’t want to admit I had been wrong. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” I turned around and started making my way back to the bus; the night was ruined.

“Bailey,” Zack said firmly. “Bailey, come back here.”

“No.”

“Bailey, don’t walk back alone. You’re drunk.”

“I’ll be fine, Zack.”

“Bailey, I—l”

“I’m walking back with,” I glanced down and saw Jack lying in the sand next to Melanie, “with
Jack, okay?!” I shoved Jack’s shoulder to wake him up.

Zack eyed me for a moment, tension building between us. “Whatever. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Groggily, Jack opened his eyes and slowly shifted his eyes up to look at me with a wondering in them. “Jacky, will you walk back to the bus with me?”

Still not fully awake, Jack poked his head up and looked around. He took in the sand beneath him and the ocean beside him. Turning on his side, he looked over Melanie once before he gently shook her awake. “Wanna go back to the bus, Mel?” he asked tiredly.

Melanie stayed still, not even showing that she was conscious. With her eyes still closed, she nodded. Jack laughed and sat up fully, holding his head for a second.

“Where’s Zack?” Jack started to get up and he bent down beside Melanie, placing an arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees.

“I don’t know,” I said bitterly. “By the fire.”

He stood up, wobbling back a little with Melanie in his arms, but he caught his balance and looked at me. My face looked upset and Jack instantly got what I meant. He didn’t ask me about Zack anymore and slowly we turned to make the journey back to the bus.

I rested my head against his arms as we wandered back. With Melanie in his arms bridal style, he couldn’t do much to comfort me, but I continued to awkwardly relax against him.

“It’ll be okay, BayBay.”

I suddenly was sad. I had been so, so happy earlier tonight. Everything seemed to be getting better; I was feeling well again. I wasn’t worried about falling asleep and being dropped into a nightmare, I wasn’t distressed about mine and Zack’s relationship and I wasn’t down about the distance between Jade and I. Now it was just spiraling back.