I Believe in Yesterday

Jade's POV

Nothing had changed between anyone after the hangovers started the next morning. Everything resumed as if the party had never happened and I think that bothered me even more than the pounding against my forehead the morning after. That and the fact that I still had sand in my hair and in the crevices of my toes and underneath my fingernails. I had taken the beach with me, and all its good and bad memories.

I think more than anything, I was just confused about how all the people that had treated me with such disrespect had befriended me for a night only to turn against me once more after the festivities and remembrances of what had been were over. I think that was what bothered me more than the headache and sand.

I racked my brain as I stood in the kitchen, toasting a bagel, for some way to logically come up with the explanation of why we had become good friends for a short amount of time but all I had come up with was that we were all beyond the point of no return drunk out of our minds; it was probably easier for them to deal with me drunk than anything which really adds a bunch to the old self esteem.

My bagel popped up, my body jumping in surprise and ripping me from my own mind as I calmed my racing heart before pulling the bagel from the toaster. Slowly, I made my way over to the refrigerator, hoping that someone on the bus had the decency to at least pick up some cream cheese from the grocery store at our last stop or possibly jelly. Luck was on my side in that moment as I pulled out a jar of grape jelly, a small smile forming on my lips as I stood up, my eyes transfixed on the jar but from my peripherals I could see I was no longer alone.

I nearly leaped out of socks as I finally made contact with Alex, his hair disheveled as always atop his head as his eyes bore into mine. Clutching one hand around the jar and the other close to my fast beating heart, I looked at Alex waiting for him to say anything, anything at all.

But there was only silence.

Slowly, I closed the refrigerator door, watching Alex as I made my way back over to the counter where my bagel rested, probably a little cold from having waited so long for me to return to it. As I began to spread the jelly on my bagel, Alex finally spoke, my head turning to look at him as his eyes continued to stare into mine with an intensity that nearly hurt as much as his words.

“That's Jack,'s, you know. I think he put it in the fridge to share with his friends which means you're not allowed to touch it.”

My heart stung as I looked at him, my brain racking harder than it had before previously when I was trying to think of a reason why everyone could love me one minute and hate me the next. Out of all of the things that had happened at the party the night before, what had happened between Alex and I was the biggest step forward and now the biggest step back. Everything had changed in that one moment when he read the words etched on my hips and I wanted nothing more than to take it back, to be able to make it so he had never seen what had been written there. I wanted to have things go back to how they were, possibly for us even to become friends again, but it seemed as if there was no such luck for me in that category.

I think that's why I suddenly had this bubbling feeling in the pit of my stomach, my mind reeling as I turned back around dropping the knife next o my bagel as I gripped the counter on either side of me as the bubbling rose within my chest. My hold on my temper, on my old self was finally breaking, I could feel it. And I didn't know how long I could go without snapping back into past ways.

“I've told you a thousand times, Jade, no one wants you here. So why don't you just leave.”

I could feel my resolve weakening as my grip on the counter turned my knuckles white. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply through my nose as I tried to calm myself; nothing seemed to be working.

“You know, you may have new friends, but how long will they last? The end of tour?” He scoffed, before continuing, “Yeah, when that ends, you'll just be forgotten. Like you always will be. Forgotten; you're not even worth remembering.”

Slowly, I pried my fingers from the counter, the pain of my own strong grip hurting the joints in my fingers slightly. But I didn't care. I continued to breath, hoping that maybe if Alex stopped shooting me with insults, I would be able collect myself in time to leave, that maybe I would be able to keep quiet and walk away, like I had been doing for the passed few weeks.

“The only person that wants you here is Matt.”

My eyes shot open at his words and I could feel my calm exterior slowly beginning to loosen.

“How much longer do you think he'll want you with him when he finds out that you've cheated on him? Do you think he'll love you then? Do you think he'll want you then? No...I think he'll end up just like the rest of us: heartbroken and angry.”

And that, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

“Are we still talking about Matt here Alex, or are we talking about you?” I growled, turning around as I stared at Alex with a fire in my eyes so intense I couldn't see much else but red. Everything he had said, everything he had done, he tears he had caused, the nights I spent laying awake in bed thinking of all the tormenting things he had done to me that day, the pain he had put me through, it all came back to me ten fold and I was ready to stand for myself. I was tired of hiding away, tired of being something that was so uncommon for me, so different that I was ready to finally become the person I remembered so well. I was ready to be myself. And the old me would have kicked my ass for being such a wuss.

I watched as Alex's eyes widened slightly; my reaction was obviously a surprise to him as it was to me. I didn't wait for him to talk, I just continued talking.

“You know, I hear the words coming from your mouth but all I hear is jealousy, pure jealousy that I've lived a life without you and that I've managed to secure something that we used to have..but better. And you can't except that can you?” I looked at him as his eyes narrowed but again I continued to talk, “No, you can't. You know how I know that, Lex? Because you walk around like you're better than me and smarter than me and that you're high and mighty but the truth is, I could probably kick your ass so hard your mom would feel it. Bet you forgot about that side of me didn't you?”

Alex glared at me, his body slowly moving toward me as I leaned against the counter casually, arms crossed across my chest as I took in Alex's angry features.

“Well, I can still kick your ass and probably Zack's if I wanted to...on a good day...but you see, I haven't been having many good days because you seem to want to ruin them for me, all because you have a stick so far up your ass that you think you have the right to say whatever you want to people. But let me tell you something Alex,” I said, a smirk slowly flowing up on my lips as Alex practically fumed before me, “I'm not going to let you push me around. Why? Because you aren't Chris Brown, and I'm not Rihanna so put your pimp hand away and leave me the fuck alone.”

Alex gaped at me, mouth open but eyes full of so much distaste towards my words that I could practically see the smoke rising slowly throughout his face. He was angry, that much was obvious, but what made me even more angry was the fact that he had absolutely no right to be angry at me for sticking up for myself after all the hell he had put me through. And because he was so angry, it only brought out the cocky side of myself, the side that brought out that smirk that I had used so much near the end of my high school career.

“I understand you hate me Alex but really, the only thing I did to you was leave. The only mistake I made was kissing you...and leaving. And you hate me because I'm human and make mistakes.”

I looked back at Alex, his eyes falling to the floor as he glared at the tiles on the ground. I wasn't exactly sure if he was still extremely angry at me or not but I wasn't going to stop talking till I was out of words to spout out to Alex; I had a lot to say to him.

“I can't change what I did Alex, but you sure can change your attitude and maybe then we can look passed all the mistakes we've made together and become friends...like we used to be.”

His brown hair whipped up as his gaze shot from the floor to my face, his eyes glaring over at me as he walked closer again, continuing to burn his stare into my green eyes.

“Mistakes? Mistakes?! Is that what our relationship was to you? A mistake? Am I the only one who thought that we actually had something or was I just something to occupy your time with until you ran away the next time?” Alex spat, walking further towards me till my back was completely pressed against the counter and his flaring nostrils were a foot or so away from my smirking face.

“Of course not-”

“Will you stop fucking smirking, Jay! For once in your fucking life, act like something matters and quit acting like your better than everyone!” Alex yelled, his pointing finger angrily directed at my smirk which dropped immediately into a scowl.

“You can't tell me what to do. I make my own decisions, Alex.”

“Yeah,” He scoffed, rolling his eyes, “like your decision to leave. Or maybe your decision to fuck one of my best friends-”

“You have no fucking right to talk about Matt and I like that-”

“Which reminds me,” Alex said, looking back over at me, a sinister smirk on his face that sent a surge of fright down my spine, “I bet you didn't tell Matt about what happened last night.”

I glared at Alex the harshest I could, “That's my business whether or not to tell him.”

“But you won't,” Alex stared at me for a few seconds more, my silence enough of an answer for him before he let out a humorless laugh, “Same old, Jay, same old.”

I pushed myself off the counter then, walking determinedly towards Alex, his eyes widening slightly as he backed up till his back was against the counter on the other side of the bus kitchen area, “You don't know me, Alex. Shut the fuck up.”

“I know you enough to know that he probably doesn't know the true meaning behind those tattoos you've done a shit job at hiding. Doe she know half of the things I know about you? Does he know about Sam?”

Anger exploded within my chest as I glared at Alex, my right hand clenching as I looked at him and within a second, the same hand unclenched and all the anger I felt towards Alex over the passed few minutes, hours, days, weeks, went flying with my hand as it made contact with Alex's cheek. His face was turned as he slowly lifted a hand to cup his now reddened cheek, shock clearly written in his actions.

“I told you about Sam in a time when it truly hurt me to talk about him. I cried about him to you and no one else. I shared memories about my brother that I haven't talked about out loud since then so don't you think that gives you the right to even taint his name by using it as an insult towards me or my sister. If you speak about him one more time, I swear to God I'll rip your fucking face off, pretty boy.”

A solemn look planted itself on Alex's face as he finally turned to look at me again, his hand still cupping his cheek. I knew he wanted to apologize– it was so easy to read in his expression– but he was too proud to say it aloud. We both had an understanding that the words he spoke about my brother were easily connected to his own loss, something that had once brought us closer together but now seemed to drag us farther apart.

“And Matt doesn't know all of it,” I mumbled, Alex's hand dropping from his cheek, “But even if I told him the whole story, he'd still feel the same and act the same way toward me as before.”

“You can't even tell him something so important to you...” He asked, looking directly into my eyes as his gaze fluttered between the green irises that seemed to be gaining a stronger color as the moments between Alex and my conversation. He must have found something because suddenly he was smirking down at me, a knowing look in his face, “You don't feel the same way toward him, do you, Jay?” He smirked, his voice low but taunting.

My eyes narrowed, angry at him for finding something I didn't want him to know and angry at myself for being so weak as to let him see something so big as this, “He loves me.”

There was silence between us and after a few moments Alex leaned forward the smirk still on his lips, “You didn't say you loved him too, Jay.” His hot breath flooded over my face, my eyes closing as I remembered something from the night before, something I wanted to forget: his mouth on mine, the taste of his breath, the ways his hands roamed my body, his eyes connected with mine...

“Th-That's n-none of your business, Lex,” I stuttered, cursing softly under my breath for not backing up my case without making myself seem weak.

He pushed himself off the counter pushing us back till my back hit the counter softly, his arms going to either side of my body as he smirked down at me looking over my nervous expression.

“It is when I'm the first to tell you I loved you,” He whispered, his smirk dropping and the atmosphere telling both of us that we had crossed over into something a little more serious, “He can love you all he wants but you can't tell him it back because you know that you could never love him. You could never love him like you loved me-”

“You're wrong,” I exclaimed, shaking my head, my eyes not meeting his, “I never loved you.”

“You can lie all you want, Jade, but we both know that once things became hard between you and I, you skipped out.”

“You would love to think that the reason I left was because of you, you self centered bastard.”

“Call me names, Jade, it will just prove my case even further.”

I was silent for moment as he began leaning forward once more, his face closer to mine, “I-I never loved you,” I whispered, Alex's eyes narrowing slightly.

“That's because you're afraid.”

My head snapped up to meet Alex's gaze, “I'm not scared of anything.”

He smirked, “Then prove it.”

“I don't have to prove anything to you Alex, we're not together anymore,” Alex backed up, his arms removing themselves from either side of my body on the counter top as he stood in the center of the kitchen area, arms crossed across his chest, “And...you have someone now...” I mumbled off, my eyes falling away from his.

A phone's blaring ring tone pierced the air around us before Alex reached in his pocket, grabbing the lit up device in his hands, smirking at the caller ID before looking back at me, “You're right, I found someone else. Someone that will stick around when things get heavy. Someone that I know will always be there for me. Someone so much not like you that I think, for once, I can be happy that, once I confess my true feelings for them, they won't walk out on me. Are you happy, Jade? Happy with the way you and Matt beat around the bush that holds all your feelings? Are you happy that because you didn't stick around to try and figure out how you felt, to overcome your fears, that you lost everything else in the way and that I became stronger without you?”

Before I could answer, Alex answered the call, pressing the phone to his ear. “Hey baby, what's up? I miss you so much.” There was silence between us as Alex listened to the caller's voice on the other end, his girlfriend, all the while smirking at me with a sadistic turn of his lips, “That's great baby, I'll be sure to pick you up tomorrow at the airport? Great. I can't wait to see you.” The girl who had on the other end of the line spoke but Alex's eyes never left mine as he smirked in my direction. “Okay, babe, I'll talk to you later...Oh, babe,” He said, his eyes still attached to mine as he smirked, pulling the phone from away his ear and pressing a button and soon Lisa's voice came from the speakers of the phone.

“Yes, Alex?” She asked, her small voice coming through the phone, flooding me with nostalgia.

“I love you,” He said, his eyes still attached to mine as I was hit with what felt like a large weight that smacked against my heart. It hurt. It hurt to hear him say those words to someone other than me.

“I love you too, Lex.”

Another smack to my chest and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I shook my head, looking over at Alex with such distaste, “You're such an ass,” I spat softly, turning my head and beginning to walk away from the kitchen area and off the bus, away from Alex's demonic stare, his face full of accomplishment.

I walked and walked until my legs were so far away from the bus that I knew Alex couldn't see the tears escaping my eyes, tears I didn't have a clue as to why they were falling. All I knew was the the phone that had been in my pocket was now in my hand, its screen holding the number of someone I could always turn to.

“Hello?” His voice flooded into my ears and a smile fell onto my lips.

“Bryan? Can I ask you to do me a favor?”

“Jade? It that you? What's wrong?” Bryan's tone was full of worry, something I always knew him to have when dealing with me.

“Just...everything such ass right now and I could really use you here with me...I just need a friend, someone I don't have to explain everything to. I need you, Bry.” My body racked with a loud sob that I had tried so hard to repress.

Without hesitation Bryan spoke, “I'll fly out tomorrow. Angela won't be able to come out because she's with her parents, but I'll be there tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” I quickly rattled off where we were stopping tomorrow on the tour and we arranged for me to pick him up at the airport and I would explain to him everything then.

I just needed something that wasn't so confusing. I needed something that made sense to me because after everything Alex had said, everything I had built up in my mind that I thought had been correct, was suddenly flipped upside down, just like the rest of my world.