I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

Each night it got worse. Every time I closed my eyes, my nightmares became gorier, louder, and freakier. It was coming to the point where I would deliberately keep myself up. I was scared to sleep, scared to close my eyes. I was caught up in my out mind, stuck to live with the horror images.

Sam was always chasing me. Jade was always missing. Blood was always plastered and puddled everywhere. Quickly my real memory of finding Sam in the bathroom had mixed in with the absurd nightmare and I couldn’t remember which was which anymore. Sometimes when I was awake I even lost myself in the reality of everything and last night’s dream.

Not only was I suffering; everyone on the bus was exhausted. The nasty dream never failed to make me scream, shake and sob, waking up everyone in the bunks as I did so. Rian thought I should go see a doctor, Alex suggested pills and Jack suggested sex. Zack continued to ask me about the dreams, and I told him, but just not everything. He seemed to think talking out things solved every single problem in the fucking world.

It wasn’t only about me now. I was disturbing the bus and I felt horrible about it. I think some of them had turned to earplugs or blasting their ipod, just in case I would wake them up. Through all the distress in the middle of the night I still woke up calmly in the morning, just like this morning.

When my eyes peeled open, I wasn’t being shaken and my name wasn’t being screamed to wake me up. People weren’t towering over me or staring at me like I was born without a head. Instead, the bunk was empty, Zack already up, so I took the space to sprawl out my limbs. Being contained in the tiny box did a number on your back, especially when you share it with a giant hunk of meat that tossed and turned all night.

Taking in a deep breath, I arched up my back and stretched each limb slowly. As I exhaled, I snuggled back up in the covers. My skin felt cold and dirty, but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I had woken up in the night having a bad dream, sweating out my fear. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep. The bags under my eyes weren’t new either. If I wasn’t wide awake screaming myself awake, I was keeping myself up as late as possible. I resorted to it thinking that if I didn’t sleep, I wouldn’t dream. It was a good idea, but the logic of no sleep wasn’t. I usually ended up right back in the bunk with Zack in morning.

Now it was nice just lying in the bunk in silence. I could hear everyone up in the front lounge chatting lightly, but it was nice to simply lie without any interruptions (Jack asking me ‘What are you doing? What? Why? Bailey, what’s up? Why is that? Why is this?’ or Alex constantly singing to warm up his voice or Matt bossing us all around) and have thoughts to myself.

I lied nestled in the pleasant covers for quite a while, thinking about anything and everything. From how Clara was doing back in Lutherville to the workout my track coach would be sending me today. I wondered how my parents were doing. I thought about my future. I also thought about the past: high school at Lutherville and my old friends I hadn’t seen in while. Somehow my mind wondered back to tour and what everyone was doing today. I didn’t even know what time it was but I figured that I had lied in bed long enough. With that thought, I searched around for my phone beneath all the covers and once I found it, I checked the date and time.

Tucking my phone away under my pillow, I climbed out from the bunk and stretched once again. I didn’t really want to be lazy anymore but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with any strain that may have been out in the front lounge. There was just too much drama going on. Alex and Jade, Zack and me, Matt and Jade, Melanie and Jack, and the pressure of shows for the boys. It was a lot to handle.

I remembered the first day of tour. I drove over to Alex’s house, psyched to go on full tour with my best friends. Elation was vibrating out through my smiling teeth and I didn’t have a care in the world. I would have given almost anything to go back to that moment and find that happiness; where they all made fun of my cooking, Jack was always being scolded for his jokes and Zack’s arms wrapped around my waist without a problem.

I was grateful to have my sister back though. I knew I hadn’t seemed grateful at all, but the fact that the little wondering in the back of my mind that had flittered for the past two years was put out and that made be happy.

“I thought I heard a little squirrel shuffling around back there,” Rian said as I walked out of the bunks to join everyone. He flashed me a smile and I blushed, running my hand through my hair again. Looking around, I saw everyone was gathered in the lounge. Playing with the hem of my giant T-shirt, I nervously glanced at Zack for a sign of how good of terms we were on today, but he was focused down on his phone screen. I guess that wasn’t a bad sign, but it wasn’t good that he didn’t even acknowledge I was up.

Alex was next to Zack in the corner of the couch looking at some papers, his feet thrown up on Zack’s lap lazily. “How’d you sleep, Bailey?” he asked, smirking a little as he scanned over the words on the page. I stared at him, confused if he was actually being serious with me.

Jack’s head shot up from his breakfast and he spoke edgily, “Shut up, Alex.” I knew Alex was trying to lighten the mood of all the different sources of tension that was between us all, but he struck the wrong chord. I wasn’t in the mood to joke about waking everyone up. It was just another stressful thing to worry about. I knew I had woken people up last night and Alex knew it wasn’t fun for me. It bugged me that he joked about it, but luckily Jack said something. Jack wasn’t the only one on edge about it; everyone was lacking sleep.

Zack had given Alex a dirty look and even Jade looked annoyed. But she always seemed a lot more annoyed at Alex lately so that was nothing new.

I ignored Alex and busied myself with finding something to eat. Rummaging through the cupboards countless times, I couldn’t find any food. I could have sworn that they had gone shopping a couple days ago for things, but then again, they were boys in their twenties; they’ll eat anything and everything. Finally Matt spoke up and pointed at a cereal box that was sitting on the table by him and Jade, who had been eating in silence.

I thanked him and turned back to my bowl and started pouring the cereal in it. No one was talking; everyone just doing their own thing whether it was eating, reading or just chilling and waiting to get going. I had finished pouring milk into the bowl and was about to get a spoon out when Jack spoke thoughtfully.

“What do you think would happen if you put a lasagna noodle through the paper shredder?”

There was silence at first. Everyone was used to Jack’s stupid ‘what if’ questions. I heard Matt mutter ‘dumbass’ under his breath and Melanie just snorted.

I chuckled silently and spoke up at the same time as someone else. “You’d get a lot of spaghetti noodles.”

After I whipped my head back around, I noticed that everyone had paused what they were doing and were giving me the weirdest look. I looked at Jade, alarmed at what had just happened and Jade stared back just as stunned as I was. Jade and I had just said the exact same thing, in the exact same tone, at the exact same time. We hadn’t done that in so long; we used to do it all the time when we were little and even quite frequently when we were older and in high school too. We could just anticipate the other. We were in each other’s brain almost; we were practically one person. We always knew exactly what was going on in each other’s head.

In high school it evolved into more of knowing everything that was going on in the other’s head rather than saying the same thing at the same time. I sometimes wondered if it was a coping mechanism after Sam died, because that was when it really started. I remembered that when I overheard Jade and Alex bickering, I would have been able to finish the fight for Jade if she suddenly lost her voice, exactly the way she would. Or when she was talking with the group, I already knew the witty comment she was about to make and I could have said it before her. I just knew how her brain was working.

Both of us turned our face downward. “Sorry,” we both muttered in the exact same tone, at the exact same time. Surprised even more, we stared at each other again with a shocked face. “Whoa,” we both said again.

Jade quickly looked down at her cereal shyly and started fiddling with the spoon. That whole moment was…refreshing. I turned back to my bowl, not sure what to do and secretly I let a smile rise to my face. Behind me, Alex was giving us a crazy look, his face scrunched up in a funny position. Zack was smiling knowingly at the both of us and so were Rian and Matt, shifting their eyes between me and my sister.

Melanie immediately started laughing and the rest of the crew on the bus didn’t really understand the big deal. Jack was confused and taken aback at first, but then he eventually let out a laugh, joining Melanie. “Oh god. Don’t tell me you two are going to start that again. I hate when this happens. It’s so fucking creepy!” exclaimed Jack.

Jade giggled, glancing at me quickly and giving me a look. I didn’t exactly know what she was saying, but I thought both of us realized that the moment was kind of, sort of, cool. And a well missed blast from the past.

“It’s creepy…” Rian thought out loud.

“Oh please,” Alex snorted. “Don’t take me back to that time.”

Angrily, Jade shifted her eyes up and shot daggered at Alex, her uplifted mood ruined. “What’s that supposed to mean, Alex?”

“What do you think it means, Jade?” he mocked.

“I think it means you’re insulting me.”

“Oh bravo! You finally catch on to something!” Alex clapped his hand sarcastically.

“You know, at least I can—”

“Both of you shut the fuck up!” Matt said angrily. His soft brown eyes had turned hard and his body was rigid. It caused me to jump from the unexpected outburst. “Don’t fight in front of anyone. You know what? Don’t fucking fight at all, alright? Both of you could grow up a little!”

Everybody else who wasn’t involved in the triangle love spat sat stunned. Matt’s voice had bounced off the walls and our surprised faces. Matt usually yelled at the boys when it had something to do with the tour and something he was in charge of, but never had we seen him get worked up like that about a personal issue saved for Melanie bugging him.

Jade looked taken aback and looked apprehensively at Matt along with everyone else. Matt didn’t talk to Jade like that in front of us and by the look on Jade’s face said that he hadn’t talked to her like that, ever.

Matt looked around at us and softened a little. “I’m sorry. I just…I love you both, and I hate that you are fighting all the time.” He looked between Jade and Alex. “It’s hard on me and it’s hard on everyone else, okay?”

I had to agree with Matt there. It was stressful to see one of my best friends fighting with my sister, especially after they were so into each other a couple years ago.

Matt’s words soaked in and everyone seemed to mellow down except Alex.

“See Jay? How hard is it to say ‘I love you?’” Alex was looking at Jade with interrogating eyes. “Matt just did it. Why couldn’t you.”

That was harsh. Everyone knew that Jade ran away right after Alex had told her he loved her. He didn’t need to bring that up to remind us. To throw it back in Jade’s face was just malicious. Alex continued to play off of Jade’s distraught face.

“Can you say it now though?” Jade and Matt exchanged an awkward glance and I wasn’t sure what that meant but Alex fed off of it. “Is that just not in your vocabulary or your small realm of feelings? How can Matt stand that?”

I felt that urge again. As soon as Jack looked at me scared and almost begging for me to step in, and Jade looked miserably down at the table, defeated, I felt I needed to stop it. Everyone else knew it too, but what would I say? I knew Alex was still hurt and I knew Jade was still hurt.

“Shut up, Alex,” Matt spat furiously. Alex raised his hands innocently at him and looked back down at his paper. Jade was still looking at Alex with fire burning in her green pools. She then looked up at her boyfriend, unbelieving that he didn’t say anything else to defend her or their relationship. Angry at the both of them, Jade was soon standing up and she left swiftly without looking back.

Once Jade closed the back lounge door, we all let out the breath we were holding. Matt buried his hands in his hair and pulled at it for a while. Alex was reading the papers he had in his hands, the only difference was that his eyes weren’t scanning over the words; they were zoned out at a standstill. It was clear everyone felt bad for breaking; Alex didn’t like pissing of Matt, Matt didn’t like yelling, and no one wanted to be fighting.

Silently, I picked up my bowl and stood taking little bites of my Cheerios, trying not to chew too loudly and disrupt the awkward silence. I wasn’t really sure what I should have been doing at that moment so I just joined the awkwardness and didn’t do anything at all. After a while, Matt couldn’t stand the silent judgments and got up and grabbed his walkie-talkie to go and start work, not going back to talk to Jade. Rian, Danny and Vinny followed him. Melanie quickly sauntered back to the back lounge with Jade and Zack stood up and walked past me and tickled my chin as a good morning.

After setting his glass in the sink, he took a place beside me. I smiled back and he leaned down to my ear so he could talk lightly, “I probably won’t see you until a little before the show or after it. I’m going to the airport with Alex and then we have a couple interviews and an in-store. Then the normal schedule; you know the drill,” he said tiredly. I nodded, pushing a smile on my lips and accepting the inevitable absence of him.

I was honestly getting sick of it. It was almost like torture to see him and not be able to do anything. I hated the strain. I hated that we both didn’t know why were on edge with each other, but still helplessly in love. I wanted Zack to myself. I know it was selfish, but I didn’t care. When we had time, it was usually interrupted by someone or we were fighting. It was the last straw and the only solution I could think of was locking us away in a secret world where time was slow and it was only us, safe.

Looking clearly at Zack, I could tell he was in a good mood and we clearly were trying to not let the recent tension get in the way of things, so I pushed my daydream away and continued smiling as he gave me a quick kiss good-bye.

“Oh shit!” Alex jumped up and searched his pockets to find his cell phone and checked the time. “It’s almost 9:30. We gotta go, Zack!” I had to jump out of the way so I wasn’t trampled by Alex and Zack. And just like that, the bus was completely silent and only Jack and I were left.

Jack let out a giant exhale and relaxed back in his seat. “Shit.”

“Yeah…” I said dully.

“So Jazz,” Jack started, folding his hands over his stomach. “What’s going on with you and Merrick?”

Sitting down at the table, I rested my cheek on my fist and studied him. He looked genuinely interested. “Eh, don’t worry about it, Jacky.”

“Alright, alright. I gotchu. Yous being a secretive bitch.” Jack was smirking at me and I knew what was coming next. He was going to carry me around and tickle me until I puked. He started to stand up and being quicker than him, I locked myself in the bathroom so Jack couldn’t attack.

“Baileeeyy!” Jack sang loudly. “Let me touch youuuu!”

“No!”

“What are you doing in there?! Touching yourself?!” I burst out with a giggle and double checked the lock on the door. “Seriously, what are you going to do, Bailey? I’m bored.”

“Wanna call Penny?” I called through the door.

“Do you have to ask? I love that bitch.”

I laughed and unlocked the door, pulling out my phone and dialing a familiar number. She didn’t answer at first, so I called a couple times before someone actually picked up.

“Fucking a, Bates. People are actually sleeping over here.” Before I could answer, she continued to lecture me. “You’re like in, Europe or some shit. Did you forget about the time difference? It like, five in the fucking morning, Bailey!”

I just laughed and lay back on my pillow. “Shut up, Penny. I’m in Georgia and I know you’re at home in Texas for the week. It’s 8:30 there.”

There was a silence on Penny’s end as she realized I caught her in her lie and Jack and I laughed. “Aw fuck y’all and your times.” We both laughed and I ran my fingers through my snarly hair. “So what’s up girl? And creepy man in the background who I don’t recognize…”

“It’s Jack, you bitch!” he screamed into the receiver.

“Fuck you, Jack! Ha! Just kidding, what’s up guys?”

“Guess where the show is tomorrow!!” I shouted excitedly.

“You’ll be excited!” Jack accompanied me.

“Don’t toy with my emotions,” she warned, excitement edging in her voice. Jack and I sat silently and finally she broke. “Can you just tell me?! You’re gonna be in Texas, right?!?!” I confirmed her question and there was a squeal that came from her end of the line.

“We’re gonna get there tomorrow afternoon!!” Jack clapped happily. Not only were we excited to play the four shows in Texas that were scheduled, I would get to see Penny and all of us were going to get to sleep in real beds. We all had been beyond excited when Matt told us we were getting hotel rooms.

“Awesome! I can’t wait to see you, Bailey!”

“What about me?!” Jack interrogated.

“Yeah, yeah, you too Jack. Just kidding I’m actually fan girl-ing inside. No joke.”

“She really is,” I assured Jack. Knowing all too well Penny knew everything about them, mostly from me. I also knew she would try and convince the boys to change to country music. Her parents raised her on it and it had stuck with her through her life. The only thing that would make it better would be that.

“Goddamn it. My parents heard me and are calling me down for breakfast. Can you save me from the snootiness?” I cringed. Penny’s parents were loaded; something Penny loved when she didn’t have to be in the presence of them. She just liked to reap the benefits of getting sent cars, money, gifts and an endless supply of food. She also loved to go home, but didn’t like the whole fancy lifestyle that went along with it. Penny was too much of a ragged bitch to fit in with her mom and dad. “Goddamn, I’m coming!!” I heard her yell to someone in her house. “Okay, I have to go. Call me when you get close. I’m sure my parents will buy you a house to stay in or something.”

I laughed and Jack and I sang our good-byes. “Bye, Pens!”

“Bye, baby!”

“Peace out, fuckas!

==========

Sweat was streaming down my cheek, puddling on my chin and dripping on my chest. The hot Georgia sun was beating on my back and my face was pulsing tomato red from the heat. Even though it was October, it was still hot and running in the middle of the day definitely wasn’t the smartest decision.

I was just finishing up my run and had found my way back to the venue. As I rounded the turn into the parking lot, my eyes landed on the familiar buses and vans and a bunch of my new friends I had made on tour. They were walking around and getting ready for the show. I waved friendlily to Mayday Parade’s crew and they all joked and threw catcalls back at me when I passed. I saw John and Kennedy lounging in lawn chairs outside of their vans and I waved at them too.

I was feeling good; running always put me in a good mood and melted away my worries. I dealt out’ hi’s’ and smiles to everyone I passed until I reached All Time Low’s bus and I slowed my pace until I reached a stop right in front of the door.

Quickly I stripped off my shirt and used it to wipe my face dry, but it didn’t help because seconds later I was dripping again. As I punched in code to get the door open, I heard a yelp and curiously, I closed the door that had just opened and went to go find the familiar voice.

Behind the tour bus, a van full of All Time Low’s equipment and supplies was parked and I could see a bunch of brown cardboard boxes stacked up outside of it. I walked around to the back of the trailer so I could peak my head around the edge and I saw my sister rummaging through all of the boxes with merch in them.

At her feet, a messy pile of purple shirts had fallen out of a box and Jade was trying to gather them back in. Her dark hair was falling over her eyes and I could tell she was frustrated by the way she continued to fling her hair away from her face and how she was jamming the shirts back in the ripped box.

I felt bad; Jade was struggling all by herself and no one had offered to help her. Usually Melanie or Jared was hanging out with her and they assisted her with the work Matt gave Jade to do every day. I cringed at the thought of how little acceptance she had gotten and the fight that happened on the bus this morning ran through my head.

Jade wasn’t a hardass. She was fragile too. No matter what Alex would say, Jade did have feelings and did have emotions. She just didn’t express them easily but when she did, they were the most sincere, the strongest and the most imperative emotions you would ever see.

Just because she wasn’t showing how lonely she was, how unwelcomed she felt or how upsetting this situation was for her didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling it inside. Of all people, I should know that about her the most. And every time I felt unwanted with my old high school friends in Essex, every time I cried from loneliness, or anytime I just needed a friend, Jade was there for me.

And now where was I? Jade could really use a friend. Better yet, she could really use her sister.

Hesitantly, I walked in the back of the trailer. Jade was standing on her tiptoes, trying to stick the box she had just picked up, up high on the stack of other boxes. It was slipping from her fingers and I saw a look of stress etched on her determined face. The box started to slide from Jade’s grasp and she had to jump and reposition it so it didn’t fall again. It started slipping more and more and soon it was about to fall down on top of Jade’s head again. Quickly, I ran over and stood beside her, raising my hands above my head and pressing my hands against the box. Together we had enough force to push the up on top of the giant stack.

Jade looked to her side and saw me, a surprised expression of thanks on her face. I bet I was the last person she was expecting to be there. “Thanks, Bailey,” she smiled. I nodded and smiled back. Neither of us really knew what to say, so we stood there smiling at each other, our twin green eyes glimmering, understanding the importance of the moment we just shared.

After I while, I looked around at the trailer. There was a checklist on the wall, showing the certain boxes that needed to be unpacked and put out for tonight’s show.

“Need some help?” I offered, taking in the clutter of everything. Immediately Jade nodded. “I can’t believe Matt gave you this job without anyone to help you. It’s hard to lift all of the boxes by yourself…”

“Ah yeah…” A flash of annoyance showed through her eyes. “Tell me about it. But I won’t complain. It’ll only make matters worse I guess.”

I agreed right away. “Fucking tour.”

“Fucking tour.”

We laughed and in that moment, everything was fine. Even though I was still hurt by everything and without a doubt Jade was too, we pushed it aside and were the inseparable Bates sisters again.

I wasn’t sure how long it was going to last, how comfortable I would feel with someone who made me so uncomfortable. But surprisingly, I had a great time with Jade. It was kind of like the twin telepathy moment we had shared earlier that morning; it was refreshing.

It was good we were kept busy with the tasks that Matt had left Jade to do that day, because without it, it would have been very awkward. Sure Jade and I still had our sixth-sense, the label of twins, and the same blood running through our veins, but that didn’t mean it was easy. Through the whole day, small talk about Matt and Zack, jobs, school and the weather was all we got to.

It might have been because we really couldn’t find anything else in common, or because there were still hard feelings, which both I doubting. For me, the fights that Jade and I had had were replaying in my mind. I didn’t want that to happen again.

We later met up with Melanie and with her there the strain of conversation was loosened a little and made silences more bearable. Collectively, we hung out, caused mischief around the venue and had a good time. It was like old times; us girls messing with the guys, being inappropriate and laughing way too much. My heart felt lifted and I was legitimately happy. It felt great for all of us to forget our troubled between each other and other people just for a few hours and have a good time. We had deserved it.

But through all of that acting like we were fine, pretending that the tension hadn’t ever existed, I couldn’t help but feel the strain between Jade and me. The words didn’t flow easily and instead we were apprehensive for a moment before we said anything. The feeling was unsettling at times actually, but I tried to ignore it just like every other on of my problems and enjoyed the presence of Melanie and Jade.

The three of us were lazily lounging in a patch of grass behind the venue. Melanie was laying her head on Jade’s stomach and I sat beside Jade, picking grass out of the ground and piling it in front of me. We were talking about bitches and boys; the usual topic of our gossip.

“Hey, Garrett texted me wondering if we wanted to go and hang out with them a little bit before they’re signing,” Jade said as she looked at her phone.

From Melanie’s spot on Jade, she could see the phone as Jade held it above her head, squinting into the sun. “Will John be there?” Melanie asked.

“Probably,” she shrugged, tucking the phone back in her pocket.

“Then yeah. You in, Bailey?”

I started to stand up with the two of them, brushing the little blades of grass from my legs. “No. I think I’m going to go change out of my sweaty clothes before the show tonight. I reek.”

Jade smiled kindly at me and nodded, saying she understood but not feeling comfortable with saying the obvious joke that was waiting to get made. Melanie took the liberty for her and started to jab her elbow hard into my ribcage. “You want me to get Zack so he can help you do that? Eh? Eh?!”

I laughed and pushed Melanie’s face away with the palm of my hand. Together we all started to make our way back to the parking lot, meandering through the people that were getting ready for show time or simply lollygagging around and getting in the way.

Zack was working out, we couldn’t find Rian, Alex or Jack and we assumed that they were messing around in their dressing room. Matt was running around, Vinny was putting together merch and the techies were getting equipment ready. It was the same scene for the other three bands on the tour and I only felt that I was getting in the way.

I looked back at Jade before stepping on the bus and gave her a smile and a wave goodbye. She returned the gesture happily before running off to join Melanie. A content sign escaped my lips and I climbed up the bus stairs, humming quietly to myself as I walked back to the back lounge to get a change of clothes.

As I sauntered back, I passed the bunks not really paying attention to anything but the song that I was singing, but something caught my eye. There was something off about the bunks and when I studied them for a moment, I finally realized it. Sitting on Alex’s bunk were a couple of unfamiliar bags. Lisa was here.