I Believe in Yesterday

Bailey's POV

Laughter filled the air of the stuffy hotel room. There was a slight haze that lingered at the top of the ceiling and every so often a burst of cheering would sound from one of the rooms. Mayday Parade had opened one of their adjoining hotel rooms and threw a party, everyone on the Compromising tour had been invited and almost every one of them was here.

Zack and I had showed up together and had started drinking early; to ease the tension you could say. We hadn’t really wanted to cause anymore drama than we already had on this tour, well according to Zack it was all me.

Even though I was already a little drunk, I still couldn’t stop thinking about the fight Zack and I had earlier. There were so many things going on around me and so many people trying to keep me occupied but still no one could be in my head, where the guilt seeped through all the spots the alcohol hadn’t. I didn’t know why I was feeling culpable for the fight. I had a right to share what I was feeling too, but Zack’s words still stung me. “you’re putting stress on our relationship.”

Who was he to say that it was all me? Who was he to think that every breath he breathed, every step he took was perfection and nothing he did was wrong? I couldn’t believe it. I regretted even bringing up what was on my mind.

“Okay BayBay,” Jack said stupidly, taking a drink of his beer. “If you could be a tiger, what color would you be? And you can’t say yellow.” He gripped my shoulders and positioned his face several inches away from mine, his giant, baby eyes looking at me sincerely. “Don’t say yellow cause lions are orange.”

I cocked my head to the side and looked at him oddly. Before I could say anything, Jack already had one hand on his jutted out hip and the other on his chin. “Dat didn’t make sense…”

I laughed and slipped out of his grip to get away, knowing it was only going to get funnier as the night went on. Once I spied a little head of white hair bouncing around, I hustled over to Penny, who had managed to sneak herself in here. She had gathered a bunch of drunken guys to play Duck, Duck, Grey Duck but instead of patting their heads, she resorted to sitting on each of their laps as she went around.

“You’re a slut, Penny!” I yelled over everyone. She just shrugged and screamed “grey duck!” before jumping up and running around, Alex Greico chasing after her. After realizing that they weren’t just chasing each other around the circle, but around the room and probably not coming back for a while, I tripped my way over to Greico’s empty spot.

I plopped down, letting out a groan for my pounding head. Next to me, John O’Callaghan sat cross-legged, his head in his hands as he chatted to the guys sitting in the circle. Leaning my head on John’s shoulder, I let out a giant sigh.

“What’s up, Bailey?” John laughed, causing my head to bounce up and down with his shoulders.

“I feel gross.”

“Lies. You’re not even drunk yet, cutie.” I didn’t say anything back but I shrugged. I wasn’t feeling gross from the couple shots and the few beers. I felt gross about everything else.

I looked around at everyone. I saw Alex with Lisa on the couch, talking with some Every Avenue crew that I wasn’t familiar with. Rian, Vinny and Jack were playing the Penis Game. Penny and Grieco were out of sight, probably drunk off their asses. Zack was standing with his back to me while talking to Dave, Josh, Cameron, Garret and Pat. In the other room there was most likely beer pong, the rest of the tour people and booze.

“I’m going to see if I can find Melanie,” John said, running a hand through my hair before lifting my head from him.

“Flyzik?”

John nodded eagerly, stood up and walked through the door into the next room. I shrugged the simple gesture off and watched Zack as he left the group of guys he had been talking to. He tailed John into the next room, getting another drink as he threw away the empty one in his hand.

As I looked down into my lap and thought, I faintly listened to the group of eagerly waiting Duck, Duck, Grey Duck players as they chatted. I wasn’t having fun. I was only creating more misery for myself and I wasn’t going to whine and bitch about it anymore. Instead, I was going to go back to our hotel room and go to bed.

As I stood up from the spot, I wobbled a little before regaining balance, but then walked towards the door replaying my plan in my head, convincing myself it was for the best. There would be other nights, but tonight I needed to just clear my head.

My feet padded along the hotel carpet. The hallways were much quieter, almost vacant, compared to the two Mayday rooms. It was better for my pounded headache caused by confusion, but it only left me alone with my thoughts to dig me deeper in the confusion. What I needed was to snuggle up into bed and forget about things for a while. I silently counted the room numbers in my head before coming across 226. Once I did, I slid my card through the door and slipped in.

After taking one step in the doorway, I jumped. Standing in the dark loomed a figure. Tattoos could be seen down the left side of his shirtless body in the dim light and the black outline of curly hair was a dead giveaway. I didn’t know that he had come back.

“Hey,” Zack said stiffly.

“Hi.” I flicked on the light but stayed in the frame of the door. Zack stood at the foot of the bed, not sure what to do. I hadn’t talked to Zack much since the show; I spent most of my time with Jack and Alex or Penny if she was there. My stomach flipped and my mouth went dry; suddenly the air between Zack and me was painful. It had used to be so easy to start a conversation but now I couldn’t even get my tongue to form a syllable.

Luckily I didn’t have to think of something to say because the door that I still hadn’t shut pushed open. In popped a mop of messy brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

“Hey guys! I’m headed over to Derek’s room. They’re throwing a party!” the boy said invitingly.

“Okay, thanks Bryan,” I smiled.

“Oh, it’s nice to see you again,” he beamed, his smile being all I could see.

Bryan pushed his bangs out of his face as I spoke awkwardly. “It’s nice to see you too.”

Nodding, Bryan started to walk away but seconds later came walking back over to me, engulfing me into a warm hug. I felt like I could just melt into it; it was so nice and refreshing. Like I was being accepted; something I had never felt with Jade’s friends, other than All Time Low which was now just a clusterfuck.

“Bye, see you later.”

“Bye, Bryan.”

“Bye, man,” Zack said, sitting down on the side of the bed. I walked over to the chair, where I had set my bag and dug around for a change of clothes.

“I’m not going back to the party,” I informed him monotonously, “I’m not really in the mood.” I wasn’t feeling as tipsy, though I could still feel some effects, but I simply wanted to crawl into bed.

“I’m not either,” Zack said even more tediously than me, if it was possible.

I looked up from my duffel bag and stared at him solidly. “Oh so now you want to spend time together!” I exclaimed sarcastically.

“Oh so now you’re telling me how you feel!” he mocked back.

I started to undo my jeans and slide them down my legs as I talked. “That’s all you have? Throwing how I don’t tell you what I’m thinking back in my face?” I yanked the jeans from my feet and threw them back in my bag. “Not the best choice considering the reason I can’t tell you is because you’re off running around like a five year old, with friends whom are all five times that age!” I finished pulling my baggy sweatpants up my legs, secured them around my waist and started taking off my shirt.

“I never said you HAD to come on tour with me, Bailey. I never said this was going to be perfect. And I never said you HAVE to fucking stay!”

I stayed silent, my shirt half over my head and Zack’s last words echoed through the hotel room. All of a sudden my body felt weak, my head felt heavy and my chest was hollowed. I felt rejected. I was unwanted and could almost throw up from the anger in Zack’s voice. “Well then,” I said in a small, hurt voice. My face softened and my fingers started to shake. “I guess…then…if you…I don’t have to stay. I’ll go then,” I stubbornly replied, yanking my tank top back down messily, leaving it exposing half of my right side as I picked up my duffle bag from the chair, still neatly packed. After bending down and retrieving my purse, I started for the door, a tear bridging my eye.

Silence lingered in the air as I strode towards the exit before he said anything. “Don’t,” Zack exhaled. “I didn’t mean that, Bails. Please don’t go.” I heard him stand up and pad over to the door where I was struggling to get it open with full hands. “Don’t go.”

“Clearly you don’t want me here.” Both of our voices had lowered a considerable amount now.

“I want you here,” he immediately spoke with sincerity coating every syllable.

“I’m just causing problems!” I exclaimed aggravated.

“It’s not just you!” he said frustrated again, holding my wrists and making me let go of the bags. I could see he was at a loss for words so he just exhaled again, defeated, and looked down.

“I know it’s not just me, Zack,” I said hushed and my eyes starting to water. I looked at him, hoping he would bring his head up to look at me but he didn’t. I sniffled, “But with me here it’s just making things worse,” I softly said, not happy with the words that were coming out of my mouth.

“I don’t want you to go.” I didn’t respond and Zack’s hands found their way to my hips. He held me there and brought his head up to look me in the eyes. I hated this. I hated feeling this way. I hated fighting with him. I hated that I couldn’t just be happily in love right now.

“I don’t want to go either but you can’t deny that things will only get worse,” I said a little agitated.

The edge returned in his voice too. It was like an up and down rollercoaster of volume. “But we can work them out,” he insisted.

“Can we?”

“What are you saying?! Do you doubt…us?”

I paused before saying anything. I didn’t want alcohol or emotions get the better of what I was trying to make clear. “Well…lately it’s…it’s just been me and it’s just been you,” I struggled to say. The last part I could barely say, “No…us…”

Zack’s hazel-green eyes were darting back and forth between my emerald ones. They looked so sad, so confused; just like I was. Neither of us really knew what to say now. I had spoken the truth. And it hurt.

Then all of a sudden, Zack changed. I could tell he was getting angry. He didn’t release his grip on my waist, but he tightened it, shaking me a little. “No. You’re wrong! It’s always been us! When has it not?! From the first day we met it’s always been us, Bailey! Together!”

“No. You always do this, Zack! You always try and make things seem like they’re perfect when they’re not!”

This time Zack pulled away me, almost disgusted. “You always try to make things seem worse than they are!

“What am I making worse?!”

“That we never spend time together!”

I gritted my teeth together; we continued to go in circles only to get louder each time. “I’m pretty sure you carrying me to the bunk when I fall asleep doesn’t count as quality time.”

“Well it’s something! At least I try!!”

“You don’t think I try?!” Our voices were roaring again.

“No. I don’t. You always push me away!” I couldn’t handle it. I grabbed at my hair, infuriated. My head felt like it was going to explode and my body already felt like it was cracking into pieces preparing for the boom. I was just waiting to see what the boiling point would be before I wouldn’t be able to take it any longer.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do, Zack?!?! Stop the fucking show and tell you I got off the phone with my track coach?! Do you want me to pull you away from a meet and greet and give you a good morning kiss?! No. I won’t interrupt you like that! I’m not pushing you away!” I said angrily, pushing his chest. “This is pushing!” I shoved him again. “I don’t push!” I smacked his arms with force, making him step back.

I couldn’t really hurt him if I tried, but I continued to push and shove him as I yelled each sentence. “I don’t push!” I shoved him and he thrust back again and he took it. “I just wait my turn! But my turn!” smack, “never,” push, “seems,” push, “to come!” I screamed propelling him backwards one more time.

Zack barreled back a couple steps but regained his balance quickly; I couldn’t do much damage. He was gritting his teeth together. Both of us were looking at the other with fiery eyes. Our gaze was so intense that I couldn’t break away yet looking made me more disgusted with everything. He didn’t scream at me back, he didn’t try and stop me in my rage, he didn’t push me back, he just glared at me. I could feel the smoke ringlets releasing from my skin pores, my body was shaking with fury and I was clenching me teeth so hard I don’t know how they were all still in my head. I was so livid that I just wanted to keep shoving him. But instead I let my guard down and gave him one more thrust backwards before leaving the room.

Without warning, he seized my hands with one arm and with the other he grabbed face and kissed me. His lips melted against mine and instead of fighting it like I had intended to do, I forcefully pushed my body up again his, sending him barreling back for the very last time only this time it was into the wall.

Letting go of my arms, he used his other hand to hold my head firmly to his, continuing to kiss me as hard as he could. I opened my mouth and let our tongues fight their own battle while our hands fought another.

We were both so angry at each other, so enraged with the situation but yet so caught up in the other’s ache that we continued to fight through affection, if you could call it that. My hands roamed his bare chest and arms, gripping onto any flexing muscle I could.

Zack’s hands had moved from my head, through my hair, down my back and back up the inside of my shirt, where he held my bare skin tightly and creating sweat beads when we rubbed up against each other.

I could feel Zack’s muscles flexing against me again as he started to back us up from his spot on the wall. We missed the bed and ended up running into another wall, with Zack pressing me up against it this time. His hands had slid out from under the back of my shirt and he now ran them down the front of my tank, one down my leg and the other traveled up the fabric again, fingering the front of my bra.

I felt my skin start to tingle as Zack ran his hands up the inside of my thigh. I was stuck between Zack’s body and the wall so I couldn’t do anything. Instead, I weaved my hands in his hair and Zack moved his lips down to my jaw.

He lifted me up, allowing him to run his lips further down my neck in my shirt. With me pressed against the wall, Zack was able to unlatch my bra and take it off along with my shirt and threw them to the ground. I nipped at Zack’s tender skin on his neck, traveling up to his ear and then drew patterns with my tongue.

Apparently not getting enough, Zack reconnected his lips to mine and strongly secured his arms around me, picking me up and carrying me to the bed. As soon as he lied me down, he easily was able to pull my sweatpants down leaving me in nothing but my underwear.

I rolled us over and looked down into Zack’s dark eyes, completely lost in the desire for him. To feel wanted and needed again. Both of us wanted the attention, the power, the desire for one another. Straddling his body, I nipped and sucked on Zack’s chest as I kissed him further and further down. I didn’t care that I was a little drunk, that all of this was coming from fury. We clearly both needed each other.

When I got the ridge of his jeans, I swirled my tongue over his skin, causing him to groan. Getting irritated, Zack moved my hands down to his zipper for me. I smirked against his skin and finally gave in and undid his pants. He kicked them off and rolled on top of me again. I felt his writhing body sweating against mine. His intense, steamy breath rolled over my body. Each delicate touch made me give in and each rough one made me want him even more.

Zack brushed his lips over mine. “I want you to stay,” he said gruffly before kissing me passionately. His fingers were interlocked with mine above our heads. I nodded against him. I wanted to stay too. I was so irritated and angry, but I didn’t want to leave. My brain was being too slow though; I couldn’t form words to say what I wanted to say.

I savored the passionate kiss, so different than hasty, aggressive kisses we had been doing all night. Breaking the lock on our fingers, I latched my fingers in his hair and sucked on his upper lip. “I love you,” I whimpered.

“Please stay.” His voice sounded hoarse. He ran his hands up my sides and I brought his lips down to me again. I couldn’t stand not being with him, touching him.

“Always.”