I Believe in Yesterday

Jade's POV

My eyes fell upon each body flopped onto the couches in the small, cramped area, their facial expressions varying from shock, confusion, and some with a medley of the two emotions. They all looked so different from when I had last seen them that it made my heart clench slightly in my chest from the light guilt I felt for not being there for their change.

But I had changed too and I remembered that as I pushed a piece of my brunette hair behind my ear, my green eyes falling to the ground as I kicked my bright green and white dunks on the carpeted floor of the bus.

It seemed strange for me to be in their presence again; I almost felt unworthy after running out on all of them years ago. I couldn't even keep eye contact in fear of being ripped apart by the disappointment their faces would hold for me.

Their eyes were still on me, trailing over my ripped black skinny jeans and green v-neck with my multicolored hoodie to cover up my arms. I could tell that not all eyes were on me and, though that should have comforted me slightly, I knew that the eyes that had rested on Matt were not making him feel all that comfortable in his skin at this precise moment.

“J-Jade?” The voice pulled my eyes from the floor and I looked up to see his body making its way toward where I stood: the brave soul that took the first chance at shortening the distance that had built up over almost 3 years between myself and whom I had called my best friends .

Rian had most definitely changed since I had seen him last; his surfer shaggy hair that had fallen into his brown eyes was completely gone, now replaced for a buzz shaved head that oddly suited his rounded face. He was no longer chubby but had grown into himself, filling out what now could be considered muscles that I concluded had come from the past few years of drumming almost every night for thousands of kids. His blue t-shirt clung to his torso, showing off the new chiseled features I had missed watching as they changed his chubbier body to the one I saw before me. On his bicep, I could see the tattoos he had gotten since my disappearance. He wore a pair of shorts though the weather was starting to get a little more chilly out, but he still wore the khaki shorts with a pair of tattered and beaten flip flops that adorned his feet.

I smiled softly, nodding my head so slightly it was almost a twitch as I took in his facial features, a warm feeling overcoming my heart as well as nervousness for how his reaction would play out.

I waited, waited for that smile I had teased him about but missed so dearly over the years. Kids had fallen in love with that smile, I was sure, but I had been one of those people that could I say I did first. I had been lucky, but I hadn't acknowledged that until it was too late. And then I was gone.

Slowly, ever so painfully slowly, his grin formed on his mouth, showing off the bright teeth that had only brightened since I had disappeared, but it knocked out all worry I had about seeing Rian after all these years.

“Hey, Rian,” I whispered as he opened his arms, meeting me halfway for a hug he initiated. I had missed his hugs almost as much as his smile.

I stood there in his embrace for some amount of time, just taking in his same scent and basking in the nostalgia it brought me. It reminded me of the first time I met Rian after falling on my ass in the hallway before he picked me up, much like he would do many times after; sometimes physically, others metaphorically.

Finally, Rian pulled away, keeping me at arms length as his eyes traced over my body in a way that didn't make me feel uncomfortable. I should have seen this coming with how much I had changed in the past 2 years; I was almost a completely different person from the outward appearance, I wasn't sure what I was on the inside.

“Wow, are you sure this is you, Jade?” Rian chuckled under his breath as he lifted a piece of my brunette dyed hair up to his eye level, a soft smile on his lips. I laugh lightly, watching as he dropped the hair from between his fingers and tapped the nose ring piercing my left nostril.

His eyes then fell to the tattoo on either side of my neck, the collarbone on each side permanently inked with the word “free” on the right and “fall” on the left. An almost pained expression crossed his eyes as he realized that I probably didn't mean to ink the almost title of Tom Petty's hit Free Falling just for my love of older music; he knew it meant more than just song lyrics.

“Got anymore?” He asked, tearing his eyes away from my neck and looking deep into the emerald pools that he searched through for some kind of answers.

I smiled, “ Yeah, a few, but you'll have to wait and see those. I'm not giving everything away just yet.” A head of chestnut hair bobbed up, my eye immediately catching his and the look he gave me was as if to say 'so you're back to that again'.

As soon as he looked into my eyes, Alex darted his eyes away again, the phone in his hands at eye level to make it appear as if he's searching for something on the screen of his iPhone. We both know the truth however: its the easiest way for him to steal glances at me in a way that gives off that he doesn't care. But he does. Or at least I hope he does.

“Hey, I'm not the only one who's changed,” I tried to laugh off the awkwardness as I slapped Rian's right bicep, the place where I could see the multiple tattoos bunched together. He noticed my fixation on the jumble of colors and designs and lifted up his sleeve allowing me to glance at the tattoo itself.

A crest of some kind with multiple red and yellow colors were the background to the Blink-182 bunny stomping on a drum, the woman on the cover from their first full length album next to it as I recognized from the CD Matt had in the office at home.

My fingers traced the girls, looking at how close they were and I couldn't help but look over at the brunette in the corner, her body close to the that of a curly blond headed boy who had developed his muscles even further from the many workouts he had probably done in the past years since I had seen him. The girl beside him stared at me with emerald eyes, a blank look filling the pools of green as if she was trying what to make of my presence.

Bailey hadn't changed; she was still Bailey but she seemed more confident in herself just by the way she was sitting there with Zack, their hands tangled in his lap as he traced circles on her thumb.

I tore my eyes from Bailey's, not able to look at the blank stare she was feeding me but my gaze directed toward the second person I wished I hadn't attracted the attention of.

Alex Gaskarth sat with a perfectly blank look on his face, his phone charade completely forgotten as if to make it seem that he finally registered my immediate presence before him. Finally looking at him face to face without the phone between us, I can noticed how much he's changed over the past few years. He had dyed his hair back to the almost coffee color I remembered running my fingers through on rainy nights. But it wasn't the same shade, and he wasn't the same.

I wasn't the same.

He had matured from the looks of it, his almost rowdy days behind him it seemed as he ran a hand through his chestnut hair, giving me the perfect flash of a tattoo on his forearm. As he placed his arm back in his lap, I saw it: a skeleton with a skull trick or treat bucket. The first word that came to mind was Halloween, the best holiday ever in his words. And then the memory of standing in the kitchen with Alex, him dressed as the scarecrow and myself as a prisoner as we blushed and made deep conversation about the meaning behind a person's costume. Hiding ourselves behind things we wished to be.

I tore my eyes from his tattoo as I traced his face: he had finally filled out his body to where he didn't look stick thin, but a healthy weight and he almost gave off the appearance of muscularity.

But physical appearances couldn't stop me from reminding myself of the last image I had of him, the sadness in his eyes as I closed the door in his face two years ago.

“Where have you been, Jade?”

The words pierced through my skull as I turned my vision to the dark brunette, almost black, haired girl, a purple plaid t-shirt on her body as she ran her small hands up and down her pant legs, the bleach splotches standing out on her thighs. Melanie smiled up at me, the look she gave me so identical to her brother I almost laughed but realized I wouldn't be in the right place to do so.

I gulped, glancing nervously back at Matt as he shot me an equally nervous stare.

“I-uh,” I stuttered, clearing my throat as I stared at the ground, Rian making his way back over to the spot he was occupying; right next to Alex. On Alex's left sat Jack and Melanie sat on the arm rest next to the growing guitarist who I hadn't taken into account thus far.

He was taller, obviously, and was still as skinny as ever, though it seemed he, too, was starting to gain a little more muscle from past years. The huge chunks of bleached hair were missing and now scattered discretely in his hair and nearing the ends of the black strands atop his head. He wore a hat sideways on his head, a pair of sunglasses clipped at the end of his black v-neck with a pair of plaid shorts on, showing off his abnormally hairy legs.

I smiled over at Jack, a weak smile returning; He had always been best friends with Alex and I knew seeing me here was making it hard to decide how to act with the two of us in the same room after so many years.

“Um,” I started again, shuffling my feet on the ground as I darted my eyes from each body on the bus, “I've been...here actually.”

“On this bus?” Melanie asked in a teasing tone though it seemed to go unaccepted as everyone was silent.

“What do you mean by 'you've been here'?” Rian asked slowly, his grin gone from his face.

“I've been...living in Lutherville.”

Absolute silence followed as each person's face changed accordingly. Mostly blank, some confused, others a mix of confusion and anger, and one just plain full of hatred.

“How long have you been living here?” Jack asked, his voice starting to take a slight bite to it after each word left his mouth.

I was silent for a bit, letting the sting of the words sink in, “Almost two years.”

Faces changed again but more were a little bit angrier than confused now.

The face full of hatred never changed.

A hand grabbed my from my side and I looked over at Matt, his eyes never leaving mine as he softly smiled at me, the metal of his lip ring moving ever so slightly with his lips.

I could almost hear the click in everyone's heads as their eyes fell to Matt and my interlocked hands and suddenly everything seemed to tie together for them.

“How long have you two been together?” The voice sends a chill down my spine and I'm almost positive its because its the first time he's addressing me but its in such a tone that I wished it was anyone else in this precise moment.

“A year and a half, almost two years,” Matt answered squeezing my hand ever so slightly in the way he knew that would calm me down.

Even though Matt was talking to him, I couldn't keep my eyes off Alex as he nodded, the same burn of hatred brazing itself into my face, the intensity of the fire within his pupils burning me so deeply I could almost feel myself begin to melt from inside myself. He continued to stare at me as everyone else's expressions seemed to change to anger except for a spare two who seem indifferent about the situation.

Alex stood up then, everyone's eyes landing on him as he continued to stare at me, the fire broadening before he shook his head in the slightest possible way, pushing passed Matt and I and storming through the bunk area and into the back lounge, the door shutting forcibly behind him.

Jack stood up shortly after, his mind obviously made up as he glared at me, a fire not as hot as Alex's, burning into the flesh of my cheeks as he silently made his way passed everyone and followed his friend to the back room.

But it wasn't them that had me so upset.

No, it still hurt when all I could feel was the hatred everyone had for me scourging itself into my skin, but when Bailey got up, her hand still intertwined with Zack's, I had to watch as she shook her head, a small bonfire gazing back at me from our similar green eyes as she headed into the bunk room with Zack trailing after.

And even though Rian, Melanie and Matt still remained, I couldn't help but see the only other person I knew with eyes that green staring up at me with disappointment in his eyes. I hadn't seen him since I had last unpacked my bag of his memories, but Sam's face of disappointment could never be forgotten.

I would always disappoint him in the long run.

And it felt like I was always disappointing him.

But this time, he wasn't the only one.