I Believe in Yesterday

Jade's POV

The bunk was still as I was turned on my side, listening to the once calming breaths from my own mouth and nose; it was the only thing in these moments letting me know that I was still alive so I still had something to fight for. That thing was breath; I had nothing else because I felt like I had nothing else to look for. I sighed, closing my eyes again in hopes that I would fall back asleep, but to no avail. The insomnia I had acquired over the past couple of years was back to bite me as I tried so desperately to block out the low voices in the front room of the bus.

I knew they didn't want me here and I didn't blame them; who would want Jade, the fuck-up, the runaway, back to ruin their lives once more with her toxic ways of destruction. Just with the glares of harsh eyes, the snide looks and the coldness of a single shoulder were enough for me to gather how much I was unwelcome within the family they had created.

Squeezing my eyelids as hard as I could, I tried to pry the water from my eyes with all my might, not wanting to show weakness to the boy beside me. He would surely wake up soon and I didn't want his questions to be the first thing from his lips besides good morning. I didn't deserve his pity and, in all honesty, I probably didn't deserve him; he was too good for me and, with my past, I deserved every bit of agony and pain I could get, but he wouldn't allow that. Matt was turning out to be my saving grace.

The boy in question stirred, his soft snores stopping abruptly as he turned over, his body no longer facing the wall but my back, giving me the perfect view of his face. I rolled over, our faces centimeters from one another as I stared at him, a small smile on my lips as my pointer finger began to trace along his jaw and over his lips, stopping at his lip ring that I admired so much.

I had gotten used to being this close with Matt: sleeping beside him, letting him be the answer to everything I needed and needed to forget. He was there through everything: my mess ups, my fuck ups, my runaways, my stays. He was there yet, he could care less about what I had done or how I had handled it. All that mattered was that we were together and in some time between my absence from Lutherville and our six month anniversary, he had fallen for me.

Even when I told him that I couldn't be sure if I felt the same, he looked past it, allowing me the time to think over my feelings for him, but nothing changed between us except for the three sentence phrase he dropped meaningfully every once in a while and my heart throbbing to be able to return the words, but my lips never did.

I was scared.

Just like I had been the last time a boy had said those three words to me.

So scared, I ran away.

Matt's arm draped over my middle, hitting the center of my curves as he pulled me closer to him, his warm breath hitting the crook of his neck. He was awake now, I could tell by the smile on his lips as he kissed the warming skin of my collarbone. His eyes slowly opened, revealing the green pools I had stared into countless amounts of time before. Matt smiled, leaning forward a bit before connecting our lips in the first kiss of the morning, his lip ring pressing against the soft skin of my mouth.

“Morning, Jade,” He said, his voice rough with sleep and exhaustion probably from the stress of dealing with angry friends.

I hadn't been the only one to deal with the cold attitudes of my once friends; Matt had spent a good amount of time trying to talk to the boys professionally about tour rules and things they needed to know, but the personal level between the boys and Matt had broken into their professional dealings, making it difficult for cooperation. And I was the blame for it.

“Morning, Matt,” I whispered back, the smile on my face growing as he wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands before pulling them back around me, a smile gracing his lips as well.

“How long have you been awake?”

I shrugged, one of my hands threading through his hair as I played with the nearly black strands, “A few minutes.”

“Liar.”

“I know,” I laughed, kissing his nose as he crinkled it slightly, shaking his head like a two year old.

“I hate it when you do that.”

“I still don't understand why.”

“Because,” Matt said, dragging out the word slightly as his grip around my body tightened slightly, “I feel like all the cute couple-y stuff should be my job,” He explained, shrugging his shoulders.

“And what's my job?” I asked, raising an eyebrow up at him.

“To let me be exceedingly adorable to you to the point where you throw up candy from how sweet I am.”

“Oh...that would explain why I threw up a Snickers bar yesterday,” I joked, smirking slightly as he feigned a slightly shocked expression.

“Snickers? Well, that just won't do! I'll have to do better,” and with that, Matt promptly began planting kisses all over my face amongst my many giggles and weak pleas of ceasing the actions.

A throat cleared on the other side of the curtain covering Matt's bunk and I turned to the boy before me, his lips still attached my my forehead as he stared at the curtain. Slowly, he pulled away from me and grasped the curtain in his hand, tearing it away to reveal the character behind the fabric.

Rian stood in a sleeveless t-shirt, his cargo pants and most likely flip flops adorning the rest of his body as he stared at us awkwardly, not really sure how to handle the situation.

His eyes fell to my left wrist that was shown freely to him, only to have him read the words written there in permanently staining ink. His gaze caught mine as he momentarily lost all purpose for interrupting Matt and I. Finally, I pushed my wrist under the covers and Rian's eyes shot up from where it had previously laid, connecting his attention to Matt.

“Um, some of the crew wanna talk to you about some stuff, I guess. Something about working out some things we need for the show,” Rian said, his eyes straying every so often to look at me and then back to Matt.

Matt nodded, “Alright. I'll be out in second, okay?” Rian nodded, pulling the curtain closed as he walked away to give Matt and I more privacy.

We stared at each other, just staring for a while as if trying to mentally convince the other to either let them leave or stay.

Finally, Matt sighed, “Jade, I have to go and sort this shit out.”

“But if you leave, I'll be alone and I know you hate that.”

“I do, which is why I convinced you to come on tour with me.”

“I thought it was because I was extremely attractive and you wanted to embarrass anyone with a boner after seeing me?”

Matt scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion, letting out a scoff of a laugh, “When did I say that?”

I shrugged, “Never,” I replied, “but I bet it would be a fun game don't you think?”

“Not for me.”

We both laughed, Matt slinging an arm back around my waist as he pulled me closer to himself, attaching our lips for what seemed like the millionth time this morning. The kiss deepened after a few seconds before he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine.

“I'm leaving now, but I promise you won't die here by yourself and if you do, I allow you to haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“I'll take you up on that, Matt and you know I won't let you forget it,” I maneuvered my head away from his only to lean over to his cheek and lick the skin, my tongue running over the stubble he had yet to shave. I pulled away, a proud smile on my face as I took in the completely appalled look on his.

“What was that-”

“Sealed the deal,” I exclaimed, interrupting Matt with the goofiest of grins on my lips.

“Couldn't you have just kissed me?”

I shook my head, “Nope. That's too easy,” I kissed his lips quickly, a soft smile forming onto his mouth, “Now go talk to those guys. I'll call Bryan or something.”

With another quick kiss, Matt rolled out of the bunk and into the small walkway, his footsteps leading out the bunk area and into the front lounge where the meeting was taking place.

Sighing, I looked around, taking in the small closed in space. It seemed like most of my time I spent in some sort of box: a house, a car, an actual box, this bunk but it seemed like my head was always encased in a box of my emotion, trapping me from anything other than what was painted on the inside: things I knew.

I grew up thinking that things were handed to you, I mean what little kid didn't get that impression? You were handed toys when you wanted to play, food when you were hungry, and, for fuck's sake, you didn't have to go shit for yourself because someone took care of that for you! But as time went on, things changed and I had to do things for myself. Bailey learned everything faster than I ever could which is probably why her life was amazingly perfect like I always pictured hers to be. But, unlike her, I was still stuck sitting in my own shit because I couldn't figure out how to get myself out of the mess I had made.

So instead of learning how to do things for myself, I ditched the diaper and ran away, leaving my problems for someone else to clean up.

It wasn't the prettiest of metaphors but it worked to get the point across to myself: I was a bigger mess than before and now, I was sitting in the shit I had left behind two years ago and it was the biggest mistake to come back.

I knew coming on tour would mean being by myself because of Matt's job but obviously we both didn't think of the repercussions of jumping into this relationship. We didn't think about what our friends would think or family or how it would affect his job which it certainly had. At the time, it seemed fine and I had no intent of seeing my friends and sister any time soon after starting to date Matt, but now, I almost regretted my decision of returning to see them. So, with a quick arm movement, my phone was in my hand, the receiver pressed to my ear as I listened to the dial tone of the all too familiar number,

“Yellow?” His voice was rough and I knew I had just woken him from sleep but I could care less.

“Bryan, I gotten ask you something?” I rushed out, pulling up the hem of my tank top and scratching my hip bone, my eyes darted down at the words inked there. The guilt got the better of me looking at the words lyrically etched on my pale skin before I looked away, listening to the breathing on the other end.

“Jay, I'm tired. I don't have school until later, Angie's at work, and I want sleep!” Bryan groaned, his voice becoming muffled at the last word and I could only imagine it was because of him throwing his face into the pillow of his bed.

Rolling my eyes, I pressed on, “Its important and I know, being you, you'll give me good advice on this.”

With a huff of breath he mumbled, “Fine, get on with it you git.”

“Since when is git your new insult?”

“Since I've been watching Harry Potter marathons on ABC Family out of pure boredom. Plus, Emma Watson is a total babe.”

“I'm telling Angie.”

“Go ahead, she agrees with me.”

I laughed softly, shaking my head as he let out a few chuckles of his own, “Can I say it now?”

“Yes. I think that's what started this spur of Hermione Granger love.”

“Do you think it was wrong of me to jump into a relationship with Matt?” I asked, biting my lip in nervousness and anticipation over Bryan's words of wisdom; he had always been my advice go-to ever since my return back to Essex the first time during our senior year.

There was silence on the other end as I waited patiently for his answer before finally a long sigh sounded through the phone.

“You're sitting in a small space by yourself, aren't you?” My silence must have triggered that as answer because he continued on, “We both know you sitting by yourself to your thoughts is possibly the worst idea. You think too much about things that don't matter and you fester of them to the point of pure obsession and then it bothers you to where you have to get it out of your mind and you abandon it completely which isn't good at all.”

I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face, “Seriously, Bry, become a guidance counselor.”

“And be confined to a suit for the rest of my life? No thanks. I only work for Jades.”

“I'm telling Angie.”

“Please don't,” I laughed until it died in the silence brought on by the other end of the phone, letting Bryan fill the dead sound with his next words, “Jade, I think with this festering of questions you have going on, I think it was best that you asked me because...to be honest...I'm torn with the whole thing.”

My eyes widened as I pulled the phone from my ear, placing it in my lap as I heard the faint calling of my name bringing me back to reality as well as the device next to my ear again.

“Explain please.”

“I think...you run away from things a lot. You don't dwell on things until after everything is said and done and your miles away. You think and think about it and put yourself in this depressive state and it sucks so bad you don't even know,” He sighed once more and I could imagine him running his free hand through his bed hair, “But, I think with Matt, he was something that reminded you that you hadn't completely messed up your decision of leaving Maryland and it gave you hope that life would work out for you. Matt's good for you in every sense and I'm so happy you have him because he makes you happier than I had seen you when you came back after senior year. At the same time, I think it took its toll on you because he reminded you of home and what you left behind and all the unfinished business you ran away from and that I don't like.”

“So...,” I dragged out the word, scrunching my eyebrows together in confusion, “You like us together but you don't?”

“What I'm saying is,” Bryan started to clarify, “that I think Matt is more than just a boyfriend to you.”

“How so?” I asked, even more confused than before.

“He's a lifeline to what truly matters.”

“And what's that?” I replied, a slighter more bite to my tone; we both knew what he was getting at and I was starting to dislike my idea of asking Bryan about this question of mine more and more.

“Your sister...Your ex-”

“Don't say it, Bryan-”

“Alex.” I hung up the phone, throwing it to the end of my bunk and pulling open the curtain, my feet landing with a thud on the floor of the walkway, marching my way to the front lounge where I could indulge myself in breakfast food to calm my growing anger. I tried nowadays to keep that bottled with the constant fear that I would snap like I had a couple years ago, that break causing my downward spiral.

But as I entered the front lounge, the burning of hateful eyes made me forget about my grumbling stomach as I met the glare of my sister, her eyes burning the hottest with the green flames igniting the guilt I felt and the shame I hid.

Slowly, I made my way to the back, not staying long enough to really look at anyone and for them to really look at me. I decided to change, making my way to the back lounge where some of my clothes currently resided for the time being, the rest of my luggage underneath the bus in the storage compartment.

My mind was too bus processing the conversation with Bryan to think about anything else like my messy hair, clothes askew from another restless night sleep. All I could think of was how he had accused me of using Matt to forget about the boy I had left behind in Lutherville two years ago. But it confused me because what if I was using Matt subconsciously? Was that why I had jumped into the relationship? Did I love Matt like he loved me or was that the reason why I couldn't say the three words back; because I didn't love him but instead had trapped feelings for someone else?

I couldn't think of anything else but what my mind was subconsciously processing.

But as I opened to door and peered inside, I wished I had pulled my tank top to cover the tattoo on my hip, showing off the words inked clearly on my skin for Rian Dawson's eyes to see.

The brown orbs widened slightly as he read them carefully before looking up at me with an expression of shock and so much confusion.

“Jade-”

“I just need my bags Rian. That's it. Don't...just, don't. Please.” I walked passed the drummer, grabbing my duffel bag from a cupboard behind him and lifting out an outfit for the day.

“Jade, its kinda something I think we should talk about-”

“I think it can be our little secret how about that?” I said, my tone getting a little more angry with each word as I tugged down the hem of my tank top.

“Watch out Ri,” Both of our heads turned to the doorway where Alex stood, a malicious look on his face as he stared at me, “Don't wanna get her angry. You remember the last time someone got on her bad side,” Silence filled the spaced between as he smirked evilly over at me, “they ended up with black eyes and blood loss.”

My eyes widened in surprise as Alex walked into the room, forcibly bumping shoulders with me before sitting down on the wrap around couch. My eyes fell to Rian, a surprised look on his face before I walked away, my clothes in hand, making my way to bathroom which I quickly locked myself in.

Throwing the clothes on the ground, I ripped off my tank top and shorts, standing in my underwear and sports bra I had worn under my clothes the night before. The words on my hips stared back at me, reading the lyrics that always reminded me of my mistakes and the things I had left behind and the boy that inspired them all.

“You've taken so much with you, but left the worst with me.”

Slowly, I read them out loud, softly to myself and the sure sound of my emotional box closing in on me.