I Mean This, Forever

I didn’t make a sound as I winded down the road. The silence was killing me, and probably only making today even worse, but I like it better that way.

“Gerard—” Mikey began

I looked over at him quickly, but still, made no sound. Mikey continued.

“You’re going to have to let go of Emily sometime, man. Face it; she’s not coming back,”

My eyes squeezed with anger, and I kept my silence. Mikey was waiting for an answer, but he knew I wasn’t that easy. He spoke up again,

“Where’s the sense in visiting her? To prance around her grave and talk to the air? You’re going to have to face the facts, Gee; Emily is gone. Forever,”

Mikey was about to set me off. How dare him.

“You stay out of this Mikey,” I glared at him as we hit a stop light.

“No, Gerard. You’ve been fucking miserable ever since her death; and visiting her everyday is only making it worse!” Mikey’s voice raised; a rare occasion, indeed.

Maybe he was just looking out for me? Oh, who am I kidding? I know what’s best for me, not him. He just needs to stay out.

“I love her,” my voice was faint— almost a whisper.

“No Gerard; you loved her. You cannot love what does not exist,”

“Shut the hell up, Mikey. You don’t know what you’re talking about,”

“Gerard, I know you loved her. She was the only person who could totally melt your rough exterior. And she loved you, too. But do you really want to waste your entire life wishing that you could bring Emily back? Dreaming of holding her in your arms; kissing her for hours until you’re both breathless? Or do you want to put it behind you, and start over?” Mikey was furious.

Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to come up with something to yell back at Mikey. But I couldn’t come up with anything. He was right. No— I don’t want to waste me life forever wishing Emily were back by my side. And yes— I wanted to start over; to find someone new. But it’ll be tough. I’ll never be able to fully get over the fact that I can never see Emily again. I can never hear her giggly laugh; I can never intertwine my hands with hers; and I can never hear her sweet voice telling me that she loves me back. Never again. Reality was all crashing down on me, but too quickly. Mikey’s voice subsided, and he spoke up yet again.

“I don’t mean to make you sad, Gerard. But it fucking kills me seeing you like this. You can’t hang onto her forever,”

As Mikey finished, we pulled in front of Frank’s house. I stopped the car, and Mikey unbuckled his seat belt. But me, I sat there, staring into the distance. As Mikey stuck his leg out of the car door, I opened my mouth.

“I know,” was my simple response.

Mikey turned to me with wide, surprised eyes.

“What?” Mikey asked with astonishment in his voice.

“You’re right. I’m beating myself up here. I need to just forget about Emily,”

I was going to clear my mind of anything that had to do with Emily— forever. I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore.

“No no no, Gerard. That’s not what I meant. It’s always good to remember her, and even visit her every once in a while. Just stop making her the only thing on your mind,”

Mikey was still looking at me, only with an expression I couldn’t read.

“No, Mikey. I just need to forget all about her. What Emily and I had is all in the past, I’m starting over.”

I was surprised by my new path I was taking. Was this really what I wanted? Yes. Yes, it was. I suddenly heard a small laugh from the side of me.

“Yeah right, Gee. You’ll always remember Emily.”

Mikey continued his way out of the car, as did I. I don’t think he realized how serious I was about the whole “Emily” thing. But I didn’t feel like anymore arguments. I simply made my way next to Mikey as we walked to knock on the same door we had knocked on nearly every Saturday since seventh grade.