Whatever You Say
TALK
Just when I felt as if things at the time could not get worse, a simple, "How was your day?" from my mom made it clear that things indeed could. From now on, I knew going back to school would be like going straight into a death zone, where I became—not only the most popular, but recently—the only target.
At the moment I tried to enumerate how many people would give anything to see me leave the school and as I replied to my mother I realized, I did, too.
“Just feeling like dropping out,” I said bluntly.
The surprised expression coming from my mother did not go unnoticed. “Yeah and why is that?”
I walked past her, up to the stairs as I heard my backpack crawl the floor behind me. “Don’t really want to talk about it.”
Rehan was sitting on the countertop the whole time that I had barged in through the door. He got down in a flash and moved to the end of the staircase with a proud grin plastered across his face. “Why? What’s the problem, Cunt? Did everyone find out about you and the Main Skank at your school?”
My mother sighed beside him. “Rehan…”
My head whirled at his direction. “What did you say?” I didn’t realize the tone coming out was full of threat until I had developed the words.
He snorted. “You think just because you’re running with the big dogs you can act like one; cute.”
Mom quickly stepped between us and put a hand on my right shoulder. “The principal called, Clarence. You didn’t expect me to find out about this, did you?”
“Well, great,” I said sarcastically. “Now we can discuss it following your rules of Parenting 101.”
“What an asshole,” Rehan muttered.
“Shut up, you don’t know what the fuck you’re saying.”
“Clarence!”
“How come he knows?” I asked my mother who was glaring madly at me.
“I picked up the phone…” he answered for her. “I hope you don’t mind that I pretended to be Dad,” he finished with another sly smile.
“Yeah, like the principal would fall for that. Dad’s never home.”
“Your principal doesn’t know that.”
Guess saying Rehan annoyed me was a clear understatement.
Mom’s stare was fragile and hurt—maybe because she was disappointed? Could be. Her fists were clenched, so that meant she was definitely worried. It was the same slight movement she liked to do on the steering wheel. “Rehan had no right to do that, but why didn’t you tell me? I’m your mother, you know?”
“Being my mother does not give you permission to know every little detail about my life. That’s why it’s mine.”
“I do have permission to tell you if what you’re doing is right or not, so if it turns out to be beyond incorrect—like what you just did—I am supposed to be the one to whisk you away from it.”
“I know that…”
“Why did you—?”
“Everything went out today, Mom, geez! Get off my back.” I walked past her and got upstairs to my room. I heard her say something else to me, like a warning, which I gladly ignored, when Susanne’s face came into my mind.
She sat gently on my bed, her legs carefully crossed in front of her. She smiled at me and adjusted her classes with her index finger.
“I was going to call you. When I finished getting home, that is,” I told her.
“You don’t have to say that. It’s okay if you weren’t going to.”
“No, Susanne.” I walked to the bed and sat next to her right after my backpack hit the floor completely. “I was, really. I—I don’t even know what was it that I was going to say when I did call you later. I wish you could just give me a small chance to get my thoughts in order. I know what you must’ve heard and I am so sorry, but I need you to listen to my version of the whole story.”
“C.J., nothing you say will make me think otherwise.”
“But—”
“Nothing you say will change the fact that I heard every type of version there is and I still don’t think any less of you. I bet what Éirin said wasn’t a hundred percent true. I can even bet my own life against it.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Just don’t say it. Susanne, the rumors are true. I did have sex with her.”
“I know. Éirin was trying to defend her reputation. Though…I’m not exactly sure how saying she did not have sexual relations with you will help her reputation, but whatever.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“Don’t be. Don’t be sorry for something that was mostly out of your reach. I bet you were mentally beating yourself over the whole mess.” She paused quickly to smile. She just knew me so well. “But, tell me your version now…”
I’m not going to lie. After throwing the whole bomb on Susanne, starting with the pill-thing, I felt closer to her—if that was even possible. She didn’t question me, but rather simply understood things that I was still fuzzy about. For instance, why did I let Éirin get to me like that?
“Well, you’re a guy.”
“That pretty much sums it up,” I joked, chuckling hard. “I didn’t mean to take advantage and trust me, I felt like crap afterwards.” Then I suddenly remembered Susanne’s face when Éirin came out—when the hallways grew silent as Éirin tested the megaphone. “Why were you crying?”
Susanne bit her lips as a sign she used to notify me she was thinking of what to say. “C.J., if I tell you something, would you promise you’ll still be my friend?”
“Don’t scare me now, Susie. What is it?”
She blew her bangs out of her face and pressed her lips together, before calmly saying, “I like you.”
A curve from my lips came down naturally. “It’s good to know we’re on the same page, then.”
She looked like she was trying to contain a few giggles playing in her cords, but as she let them go, they sounded like the happiest thing I had seen coming from her. “I still think you’re kind of a jerk, you know?”
“And that is because…?”
“Clarence, you let everyone else get in your head. It’s mostly your fault, not for ‘taking advantage’ of Éirin, or for drinking some stuff or for anything other than for letting every single human being you meet in your life get in the way of your adolescence. That doesn’t mean you have to treat people like you just treated your mom back there—don’t think I didn’t hear, but put a foot down when needed to and learn to grow from all of that.”
In that true moment, I realized how much Susanne meant to me.
I didn’t say anything else after that, but simply allowed her to kiss me and more importantly, allowed myself to kiss her in return and to fall gently into her arms during that night.
At the moment I tried to enumerate how many people would give anything to see me leave the school and as I replied to my mother I realized, I did, too.
“Just feeling like dropping out,” I said bluntly.
The surprised expression coming from my mother did not go unnoticed. “Yeah and why is that?”
I walked past her, up to the stairs as I heard my backpack crawl the floor behind me. “Don’t really want to talk about it.”
Rehan was sitting on the countertop the whole time that I had barged in through the door. He got down in a flash and moved to the end of the staircase with a proud grin plastered across his face. “Why? What’s the problem, Cunt? Did everyone find out about you and the Main Skank at your school?”
My mother sighed beside him. “Rehan…”
My head whirled at his direction. “What did you say?” I didn’t realize the tone coming out was full of threat until I had developed the words.
He snorted. “You think just because you’re running with the big dogs you can act like one; cute.”
Mom quickly stepped between us and put a hand on my right shoulder. “The principal called, Clarence. You didn’t expect me to find out about this, did you?”
“Well, great,” I said sarcastically. “Now we can discuss it following your rules of Parenting 101.”
“What an asshole,” Rehan muttered.
“Shut up, you don’t know what the fuck you’re saying.”
“Clarence!”
“How come he knows?” I asked my mother who was glaring madly at me.
“I picked up the phone…” he answered for her. “I hope you don’t mind that I pretended to be Dad,” he finished with another sly smile.
“Yeah, like the principal would fall for that. Dad’s never home.”
“Your principal doesn’t know that.”
Guess saying Rehan annoyed me was a clear understatement.
Mom’s stare was fragile and hurt—maybe because she was disappointed? Could be. Her fists were clenched, so that meant she was definitely worried. It was the same slight movement she liked to do on the steering wheel. “Rehan had no right to do that, but why didn’t you tell me? I’m your mother, you know?”
“Being my mother does not give you permission to know every little detail about my life. That’s why it’s mine.”
“I do have permission to tell you if what you’re doing is right or not, so if it turns out to be beyond incorrect—like what you just did—I am supposed to be the one to whisk you away from it.”
“I know that…”
“Why did you—?”
“Everything went out today, Mom, geez! Get off my back.” I walked past her and got upstairs to my room. I heard her say something else to me, like a warning, which I gladly ignored, when Susanne’s face came into my mind.
She sat gently on my bed, her legs carefully crossed in front of her. She smiled at me and adjusted her classes with her index finger.
“I was going to call you. When I finished getting home, that is,” I told her.
“You don’t have to say that. It’s okay if you weren’t going to.”
“No, Susanne.” I walked to the bed and sat next to her right after my backpack hit the floor completely. “I was, really. I—I don’t even know what was it that I was going to say when I did call you later. I wish you could just give me a small chance to get my thoughts in order. I know what you must’ve heard and I am so sorry, but I need you to listen to my version of the whole story.”
“C.J., nothing you say will make me think otherwise.”
“But—”
“Nothing you say will change the fact that I heard every type of version there is and I still don’t think any less of you. I bet what Éirin said wasn’t a hundred percent true. I can even bet my own life against it.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Just don’t say it. Susanne, the rumors are true. I did have sex with her.”
“I know. Éirin was trying to defend her reputation. Though…I’m not exactly sure how saying she did not have sexual relations with you will help her reputation, but whatever.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“Don’t be. Don’t be sorry for something that was mostly out of your reach. I bet you were mentally beating yourself over the whole mess.” She paused quickly to smile. She just knew me so well. “But, tell me your version now…”
I’m not going to lie. After throwing the whole bomb on Susanne, starting with the pill-thing, I felt closer to her—if that was even possible. She didn’t question me, but rather simply understood things that I was still fuzzy about. For instance, why did I let Éirin get to me like that?
“Well, you’re a guy.”
“That pretty much sums it up,” I joked, chuckling hard. “I didn’t mean to take advantage and trust me, I felt like crap afterwards.” Then I suddenly remembered Susanne’s face when Éirin came out—when the hallways grew silent as Éirin tested the megaphone. “Why were you crying?”
Susanne bit her lips as a sign she used to notify me she was thinking of what to say. “C.J., if I tell you something, would you promise you’ll still be my friend?”
“Don’t scare me now, Susie. What is it?”
She blew her bangs out of her face and pressed her lips together, before calmly saying, “I like you.”
A curve from my lips came down naturally. “It’s good to know we’re on the same page, then.”
She looked like she was trying to contain a few giggles playing in her cords, but as she let them go, they sounded like the happiest thing I had seen coming from her. “I still think you’re kind of a jerk, you know?”
“And that is because…?”
“Clarence, you let everyone else get in your head. It’s mostly your fault, not for ‘taking advantage’ of Éirin, or for drinking some stuff or for anything other than for letting every single human being you meet in your life get in the way of your adolescence. That doesn’t mean you have to treat people like you just treated your mom back there—don’t think I didn’t hear, but put a foot down when needed to and learn to grow from all of that.”
In that true moment, I realized how much Susanne meant to me.
I didn’t say anything else after that, but simply allowed her to kiss me and more importantly, allowed myself to kiss her in return and to fall gently into her arms during that night.