Memorial

“Yeh’ve been awfully quiet, Ol.” Vegan said, placing his beer on the side table. I stopped starring off into space and looked over at him. He sat up a bit and gave me a bit of a worried look. “Yeh, o’reight?”

I brought my beer up to my lips taking a small drink and nodding my head slowly. “Aye, ‘m fine.” I lied.

I watched him give Tom a quickly glance, before standing up and walking into the kitchen to get more beer I guessed.

I turned my head and starred out the window in his living room. The room was fairly quiet, compared to the noise that we usually made when any of us were together. Lee and Jona were playing Vegan’s Xbox. Tom and Vegan had been watching and trading off with them every so often as I silently watched.

“Wha’s up with yeh Ol?” Jona asked taking a new beer from Vegan.

I shrugged. “Nothin’ juss thinkin’, S’ all.” I stood up finishing my beer and placing the empty bottle on the coffee table. “M ‘ead ‘ome.” I sighed, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“Yeh sure?” Tom asked, looking unsure. I nodded. “Yeh want me to drive yeh?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I’ll be o’reight.”

Tom sighed and stood up too. He gave me a quick hug before I walked out the door shouting back a good bye to the rest of them.

I made my way from Vegan’s front door to my SUV. I pulled the keys out of my pocket and unlocked it before I got to the driver side. I opened my door sliding in my seat. I sat their silently for a few minutes, just staring straight ahead. My hands lay lazily in my lap.

My phone beeped from my back pocket, making me sigh. Put my key in the ignition and started up the car, pulling away from Vegans. I drove off towards my apartment. My phone started to go off more and more. I gritted my teeth and turned the radio up to drowned out the sounds of it and all thoughts in my head.

“Dj Kaitlin Michaels ‘ere with Rolo Tomassi, a local Sheffield band, who is juss finishin’ up their first U.K tour.” I stopped at a red light and pulled my phone out of my back pocket, glancing at the screen; another 10 messages from Amanda. I ignored them and tossed my phone onto the seat next to me. “So ‘ow’s it feel to be finishin’ off this tour?”

“S’ ‘onestly one of the most saddening thin’s eva.” Eva Spence spoke up for the rest of them.

“Oh, I bet. Must be upsettin’ to know tha’ its comin’ to a close.” Kaitlin said. They all agreed. “But I ‘eard tha’ yeh ‘ave a bit of a last minute or ‘ome comin’ show, that was thrown together a while back, tha’s at the end of this week.”

“Aye, we do.” Eva said happily.

“Well what made yeh all decide to do this one right after yeh ended tour?”

“Umm…I don’t really know.” James Spence laughed.

“Well actually Oli, wo we’ve all really came to be good mates with an’ helped us out with everythin’ called us up recently an’ was talkin’ to us an’ basically asked eff we liked the idea of doin’ a concert in Sheiffeild like as a welcome ‘ome thin’.” Edward said.

“Joe and Eva we’re aboard fer it right off.” Joseph chuckled. “We didn’t actually ‘ave a chance to talk ‘bout it. Did we?” James and Edwards laughed sayin’ no.

Kaitlin laughed too. “So wo’s all performin’ at this ‘ome concert?”

“Uh, Bring Meh, Architects, While She Sleeps, Tom Bell’s gonna be showin’ up, an’ uh maybe a few more friends of ours.” Joseph Nicholson said for them all.

“Oh well tha’ sounds bit excitin’. Where’s this gonna be happenin’?”

I sighed as I turned off my radio. I had pulled up to my apartment and sat in the parking stop. I quietly turned off the car and grabbed my phone from the seat; I placed it on silent before climbing out of the car, shoving the phone in my pocket and locking my car. I walked slowly into the building and slipped my hands into my pockets. My neighbors gave me looks as I walked passed them, pass the elevator and to the stairs. I pulled the pack of smokes from my pocket as I started my climb up the steps. I placed one of the cigarettes between my lips and lit it up.

The smoke swirled around me as I walked, joining my collecting thoughts of Payton. The feel of her soft pale pink skin under my fingertips. Just the very sound of my name when she spoke. The wholeness I felt when I had been holding her last night. I had never felt that with any other women. She was so different it made me ache. Thinking of her made my heart literally feel like it was breaking.

I blew out the final puff of smoke and put out the fag end on the concrete stairs. I opened the door to the hallway and pulled my keys from my pocket. I reached my door and sighed out, dreading going through it. I should have stayed at Vegans. I slowly unlocked the door, letting myself in, automatically dreading it like I knew I was going to.

Amanda was standing with her hands on her hips, glaring. I avoid her look and placed my keys on the key ring next to the door. I pushed the front door closed as I kicked off my vans. I walked passed her, moving towards the kitchen.

“Where ‘ave yeh been off too?” She asked angrily.

“Vegan’s.” I spoke opening the cool box and grabbing a beer.

“I’ve been textin’ yeh an’ callin’ since last night!” She hissed. “Wy’ didn’t yeh message meh back? I were worried.” Her tone and expression changed slightly near the end.

I snorted without realizing it and she started to glare again. I sighed opening my beer. “I didn’t know yeh ‘ad called meh.” I took a big gulp of beer. “Meh phone’s been on silent.” I took my phone out of my pocket and deleted all the notifications from her in front of her.

“Wy weren’t yeh checkin yer phone?”

I shrugged, walking away from her and into the living room. I lowered myself onto the couch, placing my feet onto the coffee table in front of me. I took another swing of beer. I looked at the blank TV screen and wondered if I should turn it on or not.

“Wha’ were yeh doin’ over at Vegan’s?”

I sighed, my head falling back onto the couch. “Workin’ on the new album an’ hangin’ with Lee, Tom, an’ Jona.” I brought the beer too my lips again.

“Why-”

“Wy can’t I ever just go out an’ do somethin’ without bein’ asked 50 fuckin’ questions?” I snapped turning and glaring at her.

She glared back her jaw tightening. “M’ yer bloody girlfriend, Oli!” She nearly shouted. “I can ask yeh where yeh fucking were if is see fit!”

I growled turning away from her. “Yer bein’ a fuckin’ twat Manda! Quit gettin’ yer knickers in a fuckin’ twist!”

“Meh? Yer a fuckin’ arsehole, Oli!” She screamed, coming from her spot on the other side of the room. She got in my face. “An’ the only reason ‘m bein’ like this is tha’ yeh never talk to meh!”

I gritted my teeth together. “Tha’s bulllocks!” I spat. “I talk to yeh fuckin’ plenty. But I can’t do a damned thin’ without bein’ questioned or fuckin’ accused of doin’ somethin’!” I shouted back at her.

She screamed in frustration and pulled her hand back to slap me. I grabbed a hold of her wrist and glared at her standing up. I pushed her causing her to fall onto the couch. I watched as her eyes filled up with tears before I walked away, towards the bedroom.

“Where are yeh goin?” She asked her voice weakening.

I stopped slightly. “To bed.” I answered before walking away again. I slammed the door behind me and walked to the bed. I took a huge gulp of my beer nearly finishing it off as I got to it. I plopped down on my side and sighed, rubbing my face with my free hand. I looked at it and notice I still had the bandage on it.

I wanted to smile but my mouth couldn’t form it. I was so unhappy here and not having
Payton here with me made it worse. I finished off my beer and placed the empty bottle on the night stand. I pulled my shirt over my head slowly and dropped it onto the ground at my feet.

I yawned realizing how tired I actually was. I hadn’t slept last night. I didn’t want to miss a minute of being with Payton. I didn’t know when the next time I would see her again was. I rubbed my eyes sleepily and lifted my sheets up climbing under them.

I rolled on to my side, pulling my pillow over my head to block out the sound of Amanda’s sobs. It didn’t take long till I was out.

When I woke up it was dark out, but bright enough to see. I yawned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I felt a thin arm around my waist. My heart picked up and I placed my hand on the thin arm turning to see if it was who I had hoped. I frowned see Amanda sleeping heavily beside me. Her eyes were puffy and she looked as if she had cried all night.

I shook my head and sighed. I sat up and buried my head in my hands. I actually thought she’d be in bed with me. I must be insane or something. I bit my lip and looked at the time on the clock beside the bed. It was only four thirty in the morning. I had to be at my office about one thirty. I groaned and stood up, stretching and popping my back and neck.

I walked slowly towards my bathroom and closed the door behind me, locking it just to be safe, before stripping out of my clothes and taking a leak. I turned on the water to the shower and jumped in.

I washed my body and cleaned my hair then just stood and let the water run off my body till it ran cold. I sighed and step out turning it off. I grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my waist. I took another towel and wiped off my body and tried to dry my hair some.

I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. I looked like crap. I had bags under my eyes and I looked like I’d never slept. I ran my hand through my hair and noticed I had showered with the bandage on my hand. I sighed and tore the ruined thing from my knuckle, flexing it a bit.

It felt sore but I felt fine now. I tossed the wrapping in the trash bin before unlocking the door and walking back into the room. I grabbed a clean pair of boxers and slipped them on, unwrapping the towel and dropping it to the ground. Skipped looking through my clothes and grabbed the small bag of weed from the top of my dresser.

I walked silently out of the room without waking Amanda and into the living room.

I sat on the couch and just starred at the pipe and beer I had grabbed. I sighed and took a drink of my beer before filling my pipe. I packed it in and placed the end to my mouth lighting it, taking in a deep breath.

I let the smoke seep from my lips slowly as I relaxed against my couch. My thoughts slowly swirled in my mind. I thought about the feel of everything. It didn’t feel as good as it used to, like it was a bit rougher than before. I ran my hand against my tattoo thigh, they felt sweaty. A nervous ness rushed through my mind. But for what? For what I was doing? Or what she had used to say? I didn’t know.

I shook my head and pressed the pipe to my lips again. I took a longer drag and let the silence surround me more. I sat for what seemed like days, but in all actuality could have been hours or mere minutes, just smoking and drinking. I wanted to smoke out the thoughts and drowned out the emotions.

I took another hit, closing my eyes. All the stress began to leave my body and a feeling of ease entered. I felt so loose, like my arms were made of rubber. I reached for my beer from the coffee table knocking the lighter off, I placed the pipe in the place of the beer.

I leaned against the arm rest of the couch and turned the TV on. The news popped up on the screen and I watched fascinated by the anchor man. His words made none of the bit of sense and the pictures made me laugh. It was to the point where my sides ached. I tried to take a drink of my beer, nearly choking on it.

“Oli?” My head snapped in the direction of the voice. Amanda stood wearing only an old t-shirt and her knickers. Her hair had been badly brushed down and her eyes were still red. She stood leaning against the wall. I smiled at her goofily; being completely stoned and buzzed made me happy to see her there.

“M-manda!” I said slightly I slurred. I touched my face and said her name to myself; making sure my lips were working proper. It felt so forgein. I tried a different word. “Bubblegum.” I laughed. I said it again. “Bubblegum. Bubblegum. BUBBLEGUM!” I said it again and again getting louder each time and laughing more and more.

“Oliver!” Amanda said making me look at her. She gave me a stern look and I turned back to the TV. “’Ow long yeh been out ‘ere?” she asked from her spot in the hallway.

I looked back at her and shrugged. “I dunno!” I threw my arms up spilling a bit of beer on the floor. I laughed at myself sitting up and placing the beer on the table. I grabbed the pipe again and took another hit. I held it in for as long as I could; chuckling when I finally exhaled.

I held it up for her and she shook her head. “Wy?”

She sighed irritated. “I can’t, member?”

My lips formed an ‘O’. “S’right. Yeh gettin’ tested or whateva!” She rolled her eyes crossing her arms over her chest and I stood up swaying slightly. I walked over to her and placed my hand on her cheek. She looked up at me slowly pushing away my hand.

I pierced my lips, looking at her hard. Her eyes began to water and her lower lip trembled slightly.

“Why?” she asked her voice cracking.

“Wy, wha?”

Tears started to fall slowly. “Why don’ yeh want meh anymore?”

I looked at her for a long time; all I could do was watch her cry. I tried to open my mouth and say something but I didn’t know what to say. I finally shrugged.

Her face became angry and she shoved me hard. “Tha’s not an answer!” She growled. “Tell meh why!” I shrugged again. She shoved me again. “Yer a propa arsehole, Oliver!” I just looked away and turned my body to leave. She grabbed my arm; giving it a tug and making me look at her. “Its cause yeh like some slag, aye?”

“Se’s not a slag.” Was all I mumbled. The relaxed feeling was back.

She snorted, “Se’ might as well be.” I stared straight at her. “I will make yeh want meh again.” With that she pulled me back to the room and shoved me onto the bed. I laid there as she pulled of our clothing and got on top of me.

Moans and shouts filled the room. Our bodies moved to the too familiar rhythm and I soon grew bored of it. I thrusted harder and she groaned in pain. “Not so fuckin’ hard Oliver!” She spat. The sweat coated our bodies as we continued collecting more. She came far before I did and when I did, it wasn’t how I remembered.

I pulled out of her as soon as I was done, pulling off the condom and tossing it in the small trash bit besides the bed. I grabbed my boxers from the floor slipping into them and laying in the bed. I didn’t look at Amanda. I just stared blankly at wall.

I felt her arm wrap around my waist and she pulled herself against my back; her breath brushing against my bare skin. I shivered slightly for the feel. I could feel her smirk against my skin.

“Yeh want to go again?”

I shook my head. “‘M tired.” I mumbled into my pillow.

“Later then.” She kissed my shoulder blades and I felt her get up from the bed. I heard the door to the bathroom close, and I sighed heavily. A single though spoke loudly in my head.

When Payton had moaned my name it had been all the greater.