Memorial

When I woke the next morning, the first thing I did was take a shower. The warm water soothed my body as I bleached the pink from my hair. Once I was done I stepped out of the shower to hear my phone going insane. I raised an eyebrow wrapping my towel around my body before walking into my room. I curiously picked it up, my eyes widening at the amount of messages I had received. All of them were from Paul and Meil. And each of them had called three times in the last fifteen minutes.

I frowned and went into my voice inbox and listened to a message from Paul. “Payton, where the fuckin’ ‘ell are yeh?” He screamed frantically, “The fuckin’ scout is goin’ to be ‘ere any fuckin’ moment an’ yer not ‘ere?! Meil’s ‘bout to ‘ave a ‘eart attack! Where are yeh?”

My eyes widened and my phone dropped from my fingers. My audition was today. I slapped myself mentally for forgetting such an important thing. Tears started to build up as I began to tear apart my room searching for my dance bag and get ready.

I grabbed my leotard and jumped into it, slipping on a pair of shorts from my clothes I had thrown to the ground and a plain black ballet top. My stomach was churning as I ran around my room drying my hair with my towel and searching for my ballet slippers that were not in my dance bag.

My phone started to ring again and I quickly dove over my bed, doing at tuck and roll before grabbing my phone. “I’m sorry! Soo effing sorry!” I started tears starting to fall from my eyes.

“Fer what?” Matt said confused.

I sighed crawling on my ground looking under my bed for my slippers. “Sorry, I thought you were Paul or Meil.” I mumbled trying to control my voice.

“S’ o’reight Pay.” He stated, “But why would yeh be apologizing to ‘em anyway?”

I groaned sitting up, “Because my auditions today, I’m beyond late, and I’m in no way ready, Matty!” I whined, I rubbed my head trying to see away to stay calm. But I was freaking out; I wanted to pull out my hair.

“Oooh,” He mumbled.

“I’m sorry Matty, I-I got to go. I’m so rushed right now; I don’t have time to talk.” I said dropping my towel onto the ground and going into my bathroom to grab a rubber band from my hair. “I’m going to have to call you later.”

He was silent for a moment. “I’ll be there in a moment, to ‘elp yeh, just calm down love.”

“Ok,” I mumbled. “Bye.”

“See yeah soon.”

I hung up quickly before putting my phone down and pulling my hair up into a messy ponytail. I grabbed some eyeliner quickly drawing it on before returning to my room to search for my shoes. By the time Matt had gotten to the house. I had completely destroyed my room. I sat in the middle of it tears begging to fall.

“What the ‘ell?” Matt said under his breath. He made his way over to me and quickly kneeled down. “Didn’t I tell yeh to calm down?” He asked pushing a stray hair out of my face.

“I can’t calm down Matt!” I snapped. I glared up at him as my nervous made my entire body shake. “I have a freaking audition right now! I don’t have my shoes, and I forgot!” I buried my head in my hands my lip trembling. I wanted to sob so bad.

He sighed pulling me into his arms rocking me slightly, rubbing my back gently. “Yeh gotta calm down Pay.” He said softly, kissing the top of my head. “Just calm down an’ think.” He pulled back slightly. “Where’s the last place yeh had yer shoes?”

I took a deep breath, retracing my steps in my head. “Holly’s.” I after a moment.

“Ok, let’s go.” He stood up pulling me to my feet and out the front door. We climbed into his car and he quickly pulled out of the drive way, heading towards the old house. I fidgeted the entire time; I couldn’t keep still. I was nervous as ever.

“Calm down, Pay.” Matt said grabbing my hand squeezing it gently. I sighed tiredly and pulled my hand back and looked out the window. There was no way that I could calm down. I had messed this up. My one and only chance to have something big. I just let it slip through my fingers.

Once Matt pulled up to the curb, I jumped out of the car and into the house. I ran up the steps as fast as I could, straight into my room and towards the closet. I threw the doors open and started tearing through my shoes, tossing them behind me as I looked over each of them. I called out in victory when I found the peach ballet slippers, before making my way down stairs.

“Payton!” Jasmine called as I reached for the door.

I groaned and turned looking at the top of the steps to see, her standing there. “WHAAAT?!”

She looked at bit taken aback. “W-What’s yer problem?”

“I don’t have a problem. I’m late for my audition, I’m sorry.” I said before throwing open the door and running back to Matt’s car. Once I was in and my seatbelt was buckled Matt pulled away and started to drive towards the studio.

I slipped on my shoes, tying them tightly on each foot. I sighed redoing my ponytail and adjusting my outfit. My heart raced faster and fasters as we got closer. I felt like I was going to fall apart, my stomach churned more and more.

“Were ‘ere.” Matt said once we had pulled up to the studio and he had turned off the car. I looked out my window, the familiar building looking so much bigger than usual. He sighed and stepped out of the car, walking over to my side and opening my door. “Come on Pay.”

I slowly unbuckled myself and stepped out of the car. Matt closed the door behind me and grabbed my hand leading me towards the door. I stopped, pulling his hand.

“I-I can’t do this Matty.” I breathed.

He turned to me and smiled reassuringly. “Yes, yeh can Pay.” He squeezed my hand tightly. “Come on, Just go in there an’ show them ‘ow great yeh are.” He wiped away my tear. I nodded slowly and let him pull me through the front door.

“Jesus Christ!” Paul said when he saw me. He rushed over to me pulling me into a hug. “Meil se’s ‘ere!” He yelled.

“Oh my fuckin’ god!” She rushed towards me snatching me from Paul. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezing me tightly. “I was bout to fuckin’ cry! Yeh ‘ad meh so fuckin’ worried.”

I patted her back lightly trying to pull away to breath. “I’m sorry.” I gasped finally getting away.

“They got ‘ere ‘bout an ‘alf ‘our ago.” Paul said running his hand through his hair. “Where ‘ave yeh been?”

I bit my lip nervously looking between Paul and Meil.

“Whats that got to do with anything, se’s ‘ere now.” Matt said standing next to me. He glared a Paul a bit. “That’s all that should matter.”

“S’ Fine Pauly.” Meil said patting his shoulder. She looked at me and smiled look nervous. “Yeh ready to go face ‘em?” She asked me. I nodded my head slowly. She smiled and hugged me again, “Yeh’ll do great, I know it.”

I nodded hugging her back. We pulled apart and I hugged Paul and Matt both before slowly walking towards the dance room. I walked in and closed the door behind me. Three heads turned towards me, looking very unimpressed. They were two men and a woman, older maybe later 50s.

“Ms. Paquette?” the older of the men asked. I nodded my head slowly, holding my hands together in front of me. He pressed his lips together tightly, looking down at his watch. “Yer late, my dear.” He looked up, “Almost an ‘our late.”

“I’m so very sorry about that.”

The lady huffed. “Sorry, doesn’t make up fer the lost time, Ms. Paquette.” She spoke crossing her legs in her chair.

“Let’s get this started shall we, so we don’t waste any more time.” The first man spoke again. I nodded and he clicked his pen, tapping it on his clipboard lightly. “Quickly warm up and show us your routine.”

I nodded and walked over to the bar, warming up quickly and switching on a song that I had picked for my routine before starting.

When I had finished all three of them clapped smiling slightly. “That was great, Ms. Paquette.” The women spoke.

“Yes, simply wonderful.” The older man agreed.

I smiled brightly at them. I hadn’t messed this up completely. I thought to myself. “Thank you.” I said happily.

“Yeh’re very welcome dear.” The man smiled.

The silent man leaned over at said something to the women, her smile faltered slightly and she looked at him. “Are yeh sure?” She asked. He nodded his head. She sighed at looked over at me. “Well my dear, yeh are an amazin’ dancer fer yer age, but it seems that we will not be needin’ yeh.” She said.

My smile fell. “W-What?”

The silent man sat up in his seat. “Yeh will not be in meh show.” He said, his tone sounded irritated. “I don’t like to ‘ave to work with dancers that are unreliable. I need my dancers to be there on time an’ be where they are supposed to be when they’re supposed to be there.”

“Sir, I’m not usually like this.” I said quickly, blocking back tears. “I’ve just had an off day. Ask anyone, I’m the most responsible reliable person ever.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “M’ sure yeh are dear.”

“Simon.” The women scolded, while she and the older man glared.

He waved her off and kept his attention on me. “Yeh may be a great dancer Ms. Paquette, but yer not what were lookin’ fer.” He stood up, straightening out his coat.

“What do you mean by that?”

He sighed and gave me a look as if I was dumb. “Yer weight my dear.” He said before stepping out of the room. The other two gave me an apologetic look before following him out.
I stood there stunned. I was rejected because of my weight?

“Payton?” Meil said softly stepping into the room, everyone following in smiling; All my sisters and my brother, Matt and the guys, and Taylor and the twin. “Ow’d it go?” She asked.

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came. They all smiled brighter taking my silence as a good thing. Meil squealed rushing to me and hugging me happily. “Oh, m’ so ‘appy an’ proud of yeh!”

I quickly pushed away from her. “I need air.” I quickly rushed from the room and outside. The graying sky and cold wind made me shiver as I gasped for air. I leaned against the wall, tears starting to slip. I was never going to get happy.

I moved away from the wall and started walking down the street. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried harder. I had messed up, I was overweight and I probably looked like a mess. I was never going to do good for myself.

It slowly started to rain, numbing my body as I walked. My clothes got soaked after about ten minutes, my top becoming see-through. A few guys whistled at me causing me to fell more uncomfortable as I walked on.

I stopped at the park, sitting on a bench and pulling my knees up to my chest. I wiped my eyes of on my sleeve, sniffling a bit. I silently pulled my hair out from my ponytail, letting it fall down onto my shoulders. The rain continued to fall making my sadness even more depressing.

I felt my hair being played with. I turned my head quickly to see some dirty looking man. “What’s a pretty little thin’ like yer self doin’ out ‘ere by yerself?” He asked, twirling my hair in his hand.

“W-Who are you?” I asked nervously, scooting away from him.

“Are yeh a yank?” He asked smirking moving closer.

I moved away from him again. “Who are you?”

He slid closer again. “M’ the man of yer dreams.” I slid away again, this time falling of the end of the bench. He started to laugh at me, I quickly picked myself up and started to walk away but he grabbed my wrist. “Where yeh goin’ darling?”

I tugged my arm. “Let me go!” I cried, pulling free of him and running away. New tears started to fall as I sprinted away from him. His laugh booming through the air as I ran from him

I ran and ran not looking up, causing me to bumping into people as they walked. They shouted at me but I kept running. I wanted to go somewhere where I’d be safe. The Tea Palace, I picked up my pace, heading in the right direction.

I was about a block away when I ran straight into someone causing the both of us to fall to the ground. “OI!” He shouted. “What the bloody ‘ell is yer problem!” I looked over at him to see that I had caused his coffee to spill all over him.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled

“Sorry?” He grumbled, getting to his feet. “Yeah that’s going to get the coffee out of my clothes.” I flinched curling up a bit. “Next time watch where yer ‘eaded, yeh stupid yank!” He shouted.

“OI! Piss off! Se’ didn’t mean it!” Oli shouted coming to my aid.

“S’ yer bird mate?” He asked turning to Oli. Oli looked down at me and frowned. “If se’s not yeh need to piss off. S’ not yer business.”

Oli turned to him, his jaw tensing up. “Aye se’ is.” He said through teeth.

“Well then pay up, se’ spilled meh coffee.” He held out his hand and Oli rolled his eyes holding out the energy drink he had in his hand. The guy looked at his hand for a moment before looking up at Oli. “Whats this?”

Oli shrugged. “I ‘aven’t got any money on meh.”

The guys hands clenched and he slapped the can from Oli’s hand. “Fuck yeh both.” He spat before storming off.

Oli sighed bending down beside me and shaking his head. “Bloody wanker ‘e is.” He mumbled. I wiped my eyes, sniffling softly. His features softened slightly. “Come on, Pay.” He held out a hand for me but I just sat on the ground looking at it. He sighed and grabbed my arm gently pulling the both of us up.

“What are yeh doin’ out in the rain?” He asked standing there in front of me; his hands shoved in his hoodie pockets. I didn’t answer him I just started to cry. “Pay?” His voice became concerned. “What’s wrong, Pay?”

“Oli.” I sobbed, he quickly pulled me into his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck clinging to him. He held me tightly stroking my hair gently.

“I’m ‘ere Pay.” He whispered into my ear. I turned to look at him and he smiled gently at me kissing my forehead. He pulled back slowly and took off his jacket. “‘Ere, put this on.” He said putting it on my shoulders. I slipped my arms into the sleeves as he zipped me up. “I don’t want yeh catching cold.” He mumbled, pulling the hood over my head.

I sniffled again looking him over. He was wearing a Jurassic Park t-shirt and a pair of plain skinny jeans. He ran his thumb along my cheek wiping away my tears. I hugged him again, burring my head into his chest. He picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I didn’t protest, I wanted him to hold me. He carried me for about twenty minutes before stepping into a warm building. I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked around me, it was an apartment complex.

“S’ my apartment.” He mumbled pushing the button for the elevator. I nodded my head and laid my head back down. He stepped into the empty elevator, pressing his floor and leaning against the wall. I blushed and unwrapped my legs from him placing them on the ground. He frowned slightly as I pulled out of his arms. I stood beside him sliding my hand into his; he smiled a bit as the elevator dinged and he led me out.

I stayed close to him, as we walked down the heated hallway. Oli reached his door and quickly unlocked it pulling me in. I followed him into his bedroom where he dropped my hand and walked over to his dresser. I watched him dig through the draws and pull out a few pieces of clothing.

“‘Ere change into these an’ give meh yer wet clothes so I can dry em.” He said handing me a pair of boxers and an old t-shirt. “Bathrooms right there.” He said pointing to the door right behind me.

I nodded my head slightly and started walking towards the door. “Oli.” I said before closing the door.

“Hm?”

“Thank you.” I whispered.

He smiled at me, “Anytime, Pay.”

I summed up a smiled before closing the door behind me and locking it. I placed the dry clothing on the edge of the tub sitting on it and untying my ballet slippers and tossing them into the trash. I started to take off the rest of my clothing and picked up the clothes I had been given. There was no underwear or bra. I frowned but put them on, tossing my other clothing into the tub.

I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself. I frowned at my pale completion, I looked so sick. I pushed the shirt up just below my breasts looking at my stomach. I turned looking at it from the side, I was huge. The old man was right. I felt disgusted with myself. I pulled the shirt back down not wanting to see it anymore.

Anger and self-pity filled me and I quickly started to open up the cupboards in search of my fix. I found a pack of them under the sink and I quickly dropped to my knees as began to break it apart, tossing the plastic into a small pile. I pulled the boxers down exposing my tights and pressing the razor against my skin. Blood started to instantly poor from the small wound.

I did it a few more times, digging deeper into my skin, feeling a release of all my stress. I sighed laying my head against the counter, as my tears poured out. I was feeling better.

“Payton?” Oli called knocking on the door. I jumped slightly and quickly scooped up the pieces rushing over to the small trash can. Tossing them into trash, placing my shoes over them. “Pay?” The handle started to wobble.

“J-Just a second!” I called grapping some toilet paper and placing it on my bleeding thigh. I pressed it against it, trying to get the bleeding to slow.

“Are yeh alright?” He asked

“Mhmm, just having, uhh, trouble getting out of my leotard.” I lied lamely.

“Ooh?”

I waited a few moments before taking off the toilet paper and flushing it. I pulled the boxers back up and rinsing off my hands. I wiped them off and opened the door slowly showing Oli.

He looked at me with a raise eyebrow. “I thought yeh were stuck.”

“I was.” I smiled slightly. “I had to go to the bathroom.”

He nodded his head and looked around. “Where are yer clothes?”

“In the tub.” I said looking over at the tub. I slowly walked to the tub and picked up my wet clothing. I carried them over to him and he took them from my arms. He quickly walked from the room and I stayed in his room, keeping my arms wrapped tightly around myself.

Oli walked in a few moments later. “Are yeh alright?” I stayed silent for a moment before just lifting my shoulders and shrugging. He walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. “Will yeh tell meh what ‘appened, to upset yeh?”

I wrapped my arms tightly around his middle, snuggling my head into his chest, taking in his sent. “Pay?”

My eyes started to sting again, “I was rejected in my audition.” I said into his chest.

His arms tightened around me. “M’ sorry, Pay.” He said into my hair. I squeezed him back sniffling. “They made a fuckin’ ‘orrible decision doin’ that.” He rubbed my back gently. “I bet yer brilliant.”

I looked up at him and bit my lower lip to keep it from trembling. He smiled at me softly kissing my forehead. “Come on, lets go an’ wait fer yer clothes to dry in the living room.” I nodded and he unwrapped his arms from me, walking over to the bed and grabbing two pillows from one side. He handed me one before grabbing my hand and leading me towards the living room.

He tossed his pillow onto the couch sitting down beside it. I looked at him nervously before sitting crisscross on the ground. I wrapped my arms around the pillow hugging it tightly to my chest, burring my head into it. It smelled just like him.

“Pay.” I looked over at Oli. He patted the seat beside him. “Come sit with meh.” I nibbled on the inside of my cheek, looking between the seat and him. “Please, Pay?” I slowly stood up and sit beside him. He grinned turning on the TV.

We sat quietly for a bit, his hand moved to my leg rubbing it softly. I sighed contently, wanting to lean over and just kiss him. Have him make everything all better. I just wanted him, to have his touch. Like this all the time.

I grabbed his hand from my leg, holding it between the two of mine. I lifted it to my face, kissing his finger tips, trail kisses along his palm. “Pay?” He mumbled. I placed his hand on my cheek feeling its warmth. “Payton?” I looked up at him lacing his fingers with my keeping his hand against my skin.

“Oli.” My voice was barely auditable.

“Wha?” He looked at me confused.

I reached up and brushed his bangs from his face. “Oli, I...” our face grew closer. “…I” our lips were so close. “I…” love you. Just say it! I was screaming. I licked my lips slightly. “I lo-”

“What the ‘ell?!” We jumped apart, and turned to see a pissed off Amanda.

Oh no...