Finding Home in It

It was barely seven in the morning, but my speakers were playing the soothing sounds of Mayday Parade at full blast, just like every other weekday morning. Music was the only thing that could prepare me for the day of torment that followed. At school, I’m one of the outcast, punk-rock, loner kids. I listen to my iPod all day and spend most of my time alone. You can imagine that school is anything less than enjoyable for a person like me. Although, it’s better than sitting home all day while my brother plays ridiculous video games, or had band practice with his friends. To most teenage girls, having three extra guys in their house to stare at wouldn’t be a problem; for me, it’s hell on Earth.

“Lex, let’s go! We’re going to be late, get out here now! I’m going to leave you here if you’re not in this car in three minutes!” My brother, Ray, screamed as he banged on my bedroom door. I gathered up my belongings, shut off the stereo, and ran down the staircase into the living room, and outside. I got in the car as quickly as possible without slipping on the ice, only to find that the only open seat was next to Frank. It’s not that I hate Frank, or even dislike him. The problem is, I love him. Those three words have been controlling my life for about a year now. The feelings were certainly not reciprocated. How could Frank ever love the short, emo girl, with dyed black hair? To put it simply, he couldn’t. He would never love me, or even notice me if Ray wasn’t my brother.

“Good morning, Lexi!” Frank smiled as I got in the car. He’s always been an overly nice guy, but I figure it’s because I’m his best friend’s sister. It took me a while to accept that fact, but I eventually got over it. Besides, our conversations seldom went farther than the “how are you?” stage anyway.

“Good morning, Frank” I said in return. I was less than enthusiastic about the seating arrangement; I hated being this close to him. He can probably hear my heart beating a million miles a minute, and he probably thinks I’m smoking crack.

“Did you do something with your hair today, it looks really pretty. I like it,” Frank smiled.
Did he really just notice something about me? This day is too weird. I had left my hair curly today in a last ditch effort to get the slightest of his attention, I guess that worked in my favor, surprisingly.

“Uhm yeah, I just didn’t straighten it, I didn’t feel like it,” I tried to play it off.

“You should do that more often, it makes you look pretty,” Frank said.

I think we must have somehow hit the Bermuda Triangle on the way to school this morning. This is all too weird; it’s like we’re in a parallel universe or something.

“Frank, leave her alone, she probably doesn’t want to talk to you,” my brother laughed.

“Oh yeah, how would you know, Ray?” Frank asked.

“Because I talk to her and you don’t you freak,” I hated how my brother talked to Frank. It truly made me cringe. How could he be mean to the guy I love, even if he is only joking.

“Well I’m going to start talking to her!” Frank smiled at me.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to, I get it,” I said to him.

“I want to,” he laid his hand on my leg, “and I’m going to start by walking you to class.”

“Creeper much?” Mikey, one of my brother’s other friends, asked as he turned around to face the backseat.

“Yeah, really dude, it’s Toro’s sister. What’s your deal?” Gerard, my brother’s friend, and Mikey’s brother, asked.

Frank whispered a response in Gerard’s ear. I could see a smile begin to form on Gerard’s face. I only wonder what Frank told him. We pulled into our parking spot in East Jesus Nowhere, or rather, the farthest section of the school’s parking lot. It’s a particularly terrible parking spot when it’s icy out, and in order to get from the spot to school you have to trek down one of the steepest hills I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure who designed this parking lot, but they definitely weren’t thinking. It Jersey, we have cold winters, and lots of ice. Why you would put a school parking lot at the top of a giant hill I’ll never know.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later,” I said as I took off down the hill trying to not slip on the random ice patches that the parking lot attendant was too lazy to clean up. I wanted to get to my first hour art class early to get a head start on my next project; I’m going to start working on some artwork for my brother’s band. He’s going to pay me, so it’s a pretty sweet gig. My brother, Mikey, Frank, and Gerard were a few feet behind me, I had my headphones in with the volume off so I could hear what they were saying.

“What’s with your sudden interest in my sister?”

“It’s not sudden, Toro, I’ve always liked her, she’s gorgeous, and from what I know, pretty amazing. I was just always too shy to really talk to her, and I’ve never had anything to say. I thought I’d jump at the chance to notice her hair,” Frank said.

“Wow, dud, wow,” Gerard laughed. “You could have just gotten Toro to tell her you like her.”

“Yeah, I totally would have done it. She’s beyond obsessed with you. She’s always asking about you,” My brother laughed. “It’s cute, honestly. She’s been doing it for about a year now.”

“Where’s her locker?” Frank asked my brother.

“It’s up on the third floor, next to Robertson’s room. She’s there after third hour.”
I cranked up the volume on my iPod as loud as it would go. I couldn’t stand to listen to anymore of this conversation. My brother, who I trust with my life, just spilled my secret. The guy I love is finally coming around. These two events do not go together, and I’m not sure how well I can handle it. Part of me wants to go scream at Ray. He betrayed my trust, and that hurts. But, part of me wants to scream with happiness.

This has been the slowest day of my life. I feel I’ve been awake for days, and third period has barely ended. It doesn’t help any that people do not know how to talk on the staircase and the stupid freshman keep stopping every three steps. All I want to do is get to my locker to see if Frank is actually there waiting for me. I’m trying not to let myself get too excited, because, the truth is, he’s probably not. I climb up the last flight of stairs and round the corner to find Frank standing in front of my locker. This morning I would have had to pinch myself to ensure that I was dreaming, but now, this is reality.

“Hey, how was College level U.S. History last hour?” Frank asked, smiling.

“How did you know?” I was confused, I didn’t even know he knew I was in that class, let alone that it’s third period.

“Ray told me,” he laughed.

“It was awesome, actually. We watched Colonial House, I’m a dork, I know,” I smiled.

“What’s that?”

“It’s this old show from PBS where they gathered up like twenty people, gave them a thousand acres, and they had to live like the colonists in 1628. It’s super awesome. They have a governor, freemen, and indentured servants. They have food rations, and time period clothing, too. It’s seriously the coolest thing ever,” I laughed.

“Ray wasn’t kidding about you and the history stuff, was he?” Frank had one of those nerdy smiles on his face. It was seriously the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

“No, he really wasn’t. I’m a history nerd, and I’m proud to say so. What you guys put into music, I put into history and art, it’s my life,” I kind of hid my face, that’s an embarrassing fact to admit. At least music is cool.

“I think it’s awesome that you care about history so passionately,” Frank said as he handed me my books.

“Thanks,” I smiled.

“After all, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” he said proudly.

“George Santayana,” I smiled. I can’t believe he knows that. He’s either really trying hard, or just had a lucky guess. Either way, I was happy. For the first time in my high school career I was comfortable standing in the hallway, comfortable with who I am. It’s amazing how something so simple can change my entire outlook. I guess being loved back is all I ever needed.

“What are your plans after school today?” Frank asked proudly.

“Probably just drawing up some artwork or something. You have practice, don’t you?”

“We cancelled it for today, Mikey and Gerard said they had stuff to take care of,” Frank started to look down at the ground. “But, I was wondering if maybe we could hang out and go to the park?”

“I’d love to go to the park with you, Mr.Iero,” I smiled. “One thing, I call first dibs on the swings!”

“Oh, no you don’t!”

“Yes, I do! I’ll race you there, right now!”

“Are you suggesting we skip school Ms. Toro?” Frank was half smiling, half laughing. I could tell he liked the idea. Besides, I knew we’d only skip our hour lunch period and come back anyways. We would never actually skip a class, that would automatically disqualify the guys’ band from playing in the school competition. It’s a high stakes thing; the winning band gets a chance to record a single to play on the radio. Our school may be stupid most of the time, but at least they get the prizes right for the music competitions.

“We’ll walk down to the front doors, and I’ll race you to the swings at the primary school. Deal?” Frank was grinning from ear to ear.

“Deal,” I smiled back.
Walking to the front doors may have been the longest two minutes of my life. It was one of those awkward times when neither person has anything to say, so you just stare at each other instead. I could finally see the doors and I took off into a full on sprint.

“Hey, you’re cheating!” Frank yelled as he chased after me.

“Cheating is the only way to win! Didn’t your mother ever tell you that?” I yelled back at him. Just as I predicted I reached the primary school’s playground before Frank, and took my spot upon the throne that was the little swings. Frank stopped running and walked over to where I was sitting.

“Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater,” he smiled down at me. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up to his level.

“This has been the best day of my life,” he said, still holding my hands. I looked up at him and I could feel my face starting to blush. I shifted my feet slightly, trying to find the right words to say.

“Me, too,” I looked down at his feet, he was wearing the black Converse I had drawn a heart on when he wasn’t looking a few weeks ago. I wonder if he knows, I thought to myself. “Ever since you and Ray started the band, I’ve kind of liked you,” I kept looking down; I was scared that he might think I was one of those weird, stalker girls.

“I noticed,” he smiled at me and looked down at his shoes. “I saw you draw the heart on my shoe, and I’ve worn this pair every day since then,..”
My phone started to ring, and Frank was interrupted mid-sentence.

“Hello?” I said into the phone that I had put on speaker. It was Ray calling, he was supposed to be in class, this could not be good.

“Lex, I have bad news,” I could barely make out what Ray was saying between the sobs.

“What’s going on, buddy?” Frank asked. I could hear the sincerity in his voice, he had always had a strong bond with my brother.

“Lex, it’s Grandma Toro, she’s passed away,” the sobs continued.

“No, no that can’t be it, that’s impossible,” I started to cry, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. Frank took the phone from my hand.
“
I’ll stay here with her for a while, I’ll keep her safe, I promise,” Frank told my brother. I could hear the click letting me know that Ray had hung up, placing full trust in his best friend to care for me. I fell to the ground; my legs were too shaky for me to stand any longer. How could this have happened? She was the only one who had ever understood me, if you don’t count Ray. She was the only one I could ever talk to. I don’t think my body can handle this. I wish I could just curl up into a ball on this playground and die. Then I could be with her, then I could be happy again.

“It’s okay, Lexi, I’m here for you,” Frank said, trying to hold back tears himself. “You’ve got to get up off the ground, love, remember, you’re allergic to the grass.” He grabbed my hands and helped me get up off the cold, hard ground.

“I can’t take this, this isn’t happening,” my sobs began to come faster and harder. Frank put one arm behind my back, pulled me in close to his chest, and closed his other arm in around me. He was completely protecting me from the cruel outside world that had completely let me down. I continued to cry; he continued to hold me.

“No matter what the world throws in your way, I’m always going to be here for you. I love you,” he said as he kissed my forehead.

“I love you, too” I said amidst sobs. I may have been sad when I said it, but I felt safe in his arms and I felt safe finally knowing I was loved back. I had found my happy place; it was in Frank’s arms. It was the place I had dreamed of being for so long, the place I had hoped would feel as good as this. I found my home, wrapped up tight in his arms, braced against his chest, a place where I stay for eternity.