Shambles

I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I was driving absentmindedly. There had to have been some logical explanation as to what had happened. What I couldn’t believe was that Janine went about the whole day acting totally normal with me, as though she hadn’t just slept with my ex. How could any decent person act so casually one second and then have such a look of guilt the next?

It was almost dark when I found myself driving onto the highway towards the beach. I pulled over. What the hell was I going to do at the beach at this time? Then I thought. When we were little, my mom used to take me and my sister to the beach when we were upset. My sister and I had kept up that tradition when my mom worked late or wouldn’t pull herself out of bed. Right now, it seemed illogical. I pulled off the next exit and found myself going towards town.

Mom. Ani. I miss you.

By the time I had parked the sun had set. Restaurants surrounding the park had outside tables set with candles. The sounds of knives and forks clattering against plates soothed me. My mom had been a chef, and my sister and I had gotten to stay in back the restaurant when we went there right after school for dinnertime. That was until she married Sam the lawyer when we were in seventh grade. Then my mom found the courage to trust the school bus, and also that we wouldn’t set the house on fire.

I ran back to the car and tore off back to the center of town, the memories of my family too much for right now. I parked next to the park.

My mind shot back from the memories to today’s events. First, there was the whole Sanders family drama. I couldn’t believe I had gotten myself into such deep shit with one short night. Barely even seven hours. Things could have been so different if I had just stayed in. Then my mind went back to Ian. He had been kind and gentle. He hadn’t pushed me for anything, not even to sleep with him, which was why, I think, I had wanted it. Then again, he did pay me for my “services.” That was all I was, a service, wasn’t I? I sat down on the swing and closed my eyes. A service. Even Cassandra had seen me as that. I couldn’t tell if she pitied me during our little meeting or if she was angry with me creating such complications in her life. Then there was Brian, who I couldn’t get a read on. He honestly could have meant any number of things by that question. He seemed like the kind of person who wanted to help, and I just chased him away. Then Janine… tears welled up in my eyes. I can’t cry. Not here, not now.

Someone was walking towards me. I was blinded by a light hanging over the swings and I couldn’t make out a face. I bit my lip and pulled out my cell phone, ready to frantically dial 911. Maybe if I scream loud enough someone would be able to hear me…could I scream? I was all choked up…

“Maureen?” My head shot up from the cell phone. I stared at the figure until he walked into the light. Just my luck. “What are you doing here?” I bit my lip and stifled a manic laugh, then swallowed my tears. “I told you yesterday, I like to come here. I take it you haven’t talked to your sister. Or brother for that matter. You should call one of them, I think they’ll have some very interesting things to tell you.” I rambled and he looked genuinely confused. “Wha-How do you know about them?” Now I was shocked. “They didn’t tell you they saw me leaving?” He looked startled, he started pacing around, thinking. He started talking quickly. “Now Cassie’s weekend dinner plans make sense…she’s never been one to want to go out to a family dinner. Maybe they think they need to intervene…?” I laughed out loud for that one. “Yeah, well she’s trying to stage an intervention with me too.” Once again, he was puzzled. I sighed; I guess I would have to tell him the truth at some point. “After her psychology class she was trying to get me to talk to her. Then Brian was trying to understand why I was in the apartment this morning.” His whole body changed. His face turned hard, cold. His body was stiff. “What did you just say?” I cowered, frightened by the tone of his voice. “I’m in your brother’s classes.” There was a very long silence in which Ian started pacing again, this time murmuring to himself. I heard a few words like “law” “age” and “prison” and I jumped up, angry. “Look. I’m eighteen, you have nothing to worry about since you aren’t the one teaching me, and I can transfer out of your sister’s class whenever I want to if it will be a problem. No one will ever have to know about what happened. And here,” I took the envelope out of my purse and threw it at his feet, “the initial four hundred for the tour was fine. The sex was on me. I don’t want your pity. Next time you’re looking Angelina has quit.”

When I turned away, I was proud of myself. I wasn’t going to let him make me feel the way everyone else made me feel today; pathetic and cheap. I kept myself tall and refused to look back. That all failed when he grabbed my wrist again and swung me around. I cringed and yelped. “Wait, I don’t want you to go.” I stopped struggling long enough to look him in those beautiful green eyes. They were sincere but confused. I took in a breath and waited for him to continue. He closed his eyes and sighed, letting go of my wrist. “Maureen, Angelina, whoever you are, I don’t want you to run away. I like talking to you and I need a friend in this place.” I glared. I certainly wasn’t running away, I was avoiding a problem that was completely unnecessary, but I kept my mouth shut. He went on, “I don’t care. My sister can think what she wants. My brother can come to his own conclusions, I don’t care. I don’t want to pity you- I’ve had enough of that myself.” His hand found my face, which I at first shrunk away from thinking the worst. His thumb wiped away tears that had started to spring free from my eyes. I looked at the ground and his hand glided down under my chin and tilted my head up. “I don’t think you want to walk away. I think you feel the same way.” I shook my head. “You don’t even know me.” He smirked. Why did he have to be so enthralling? “I see you. On the swings. In the hotel looking out the window.” I looked away again, only for his fingers to tilt my chin once again and guide my gaze back to his face. Tears once again welled up in my eyes. If only I could believe him. He could see my insecurity. “Just friends?” I bit my lip and shrugged, I didn’t think I could handle anything more than that. How had I let this happen? It had been less than 24 hours but I felt like we could be friends at least. That’s what I needed.

His hand fell to his side and we were just staring at each other for a few minutes. I picked up my bag and wiped away the tears that didn’t come. “So what do friends do now?”

Turns out, my new friend wanted to buy me dinner. As we walked out of the park we bickered about it. “You can’t buy me dinner, that’s not friendship since I slept with you already. That’s wooing.” He smirked and shrugged. “You’d know if I was trying to woo you. You’re having a crappy day, so I’m trying to cheer you up. It counts.” I threw my arms out, exasperated, “We have to at least split it.” He put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze. With his arm around me, the heat that had been there last night burned through me. “A friend of mine gave me six hundred dollars just a little while ago- I think that’s neutral money.” I stuck my tongue out at him and sighed. “Fine, but I get to buy coffee next time.” It felt so easy talking to him, as though I didn’t just have a complete breakdown in the park and we didn’t just mutually agree on a friendship as though it was some sort of business deal. He rolled his eyes. “I also want to hear all about your day. And you, you know, since we’re friends and all and I didn’t even know your name until five minutes ago.” I laughed and ducked out from under his arm. “Then we might need two dinners, because I wanted to hear all about you and your insane family.” He considered it. “Ok, so tonight I’ll buy dinner around here and we’ll talk about you. If we need to, we can go back to the park. Tomorrow, you’ll buy dinner and we’ll talk about me.” Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. This seemed utterly ridiculous, but I agreed.

Dinner started out great. We went into a little Italian restaurant and ended up ordering a pizza after learning we both loved Hawaiian. I started to tell Ian about myself, purposefully leaving out a few details. I wasn’t quite sure how to bring some of the heavier things up, and I didn’t want him telling his whole family about the poor little high school girl they had to deal with daily.

Then we got to the details of the day. I told him about my failed attempt to sneak out from his hotel undetected, my first period class with his sister and the awkward conversation with his sister and brother. He didn’t interrupt or comment about their actions, so I just continued into the afternoon with my friends at the coffee shop. Tears welled up, but I pushed them back trying to keep a brave face.

When I finished, he looked pensive. “So why does this guy matter so much anyways?” I looked around the restaurant trying to see if there was anyone I knew there. When it checked out I shrugged. “Aaron had broken up with me at the end of junior year because of my… situation.” I took a deep breath. “We had been dating for two years.” I sighed. I did love him, that’s why we had managed to stay together for so long. “I mean, I don’t know. I guess my heart just wasn’t into it, and maybe I just knew deep down how he truly was. He got violent. He wasn’t used to being told no I guess, for months he abused me verbally and physically but I couldn’t see it. One night he finally tried to force me, he got really physical…” I started down at the table, cutting myself off, not able to get the words out. I fast-forwarded. “I even went so far as to hit him in the head with a book to run out the door.” I bit my lip and looked back up at Ian.

Ian whistled, “That’s a way to end things I guess.” I shrugged again, “I didn’t know what I was doing, and even after that I still wanted to be with him. He had been with me through everything and I couldn’t see how he had manipulated me; how I always put him before my friends, and how I even went so far to do his work for him so he wouldn’t get kicked off the football team. That wasn’t enough for him, I get he wanted a physical relationship, but just as I was about to give in and my life went to shambles a year ago. He couldn’t accept it. My stepdad actually sent me to talk to someone over the summer so I could admit to myself he wasn’t any good for me.” I smiled at myself as I remembered Aaron had lost his position to Ian’s brother. Ian cocked his head to the side, “What?” I laughed, “Your brother took his spot on the football team. I guess he lost it in the end anyways, even when he got me to do everything for him.” Ian laughed too. “Glad my brother could do you such a service. And you sound better off, you don’t need a jerk. And maybe he’s also not worth losing your best friend for.” I still saw him as my Aaron, but I couldn’t say that. “Janine knows everything; I don’t see how she could still have gone through with it…” Now Ian shrugged, “The world works weirdly. Maybe you should hear her out before kicking her out of your life.” I rolled my eyes, “Ok Buddah.”

When we finished dinner we moved back outside to the park, sitting and talking for a few more hours. When I finally took notice of the time, I panicked. “Why didn’t you tell me it was twelve…” I grabbed my purse and started toward the park entrance. Ian strolled behind me with his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t think it mattered, you were out all night yesterday.” I shook my head. “My stepdad is a lawyer, he probably thinks I’ve been murdered or kidnapped by now.” Ian just taunted me. “I don’t know about murder, but I’d love to kidnap you for a while.” I dug my keys out of my purse and glared at him. “I think you did that yesterday. I recall initially stating I didn’t want to go up to your apartment…” I pulled out the keys and unlocked the car, earning me a whistle when the lights to the Mercedes flashed. “So I take it you earned some good money…or you borrowed it.” I opened the door and sat down before I responded. “Sam’s a partner in the firm now.” I could tell by the look on his face he wanted to ask something else, but before he could I pulled the door closed and started the car, rolling down the window. “Let’s meet up here tomorrow, ok?”

All I saw as I pulled out was a nod.