The Pursuit of Happiness

A quiet desperation was building higher, but I had to remember that this was just a game …

I sighed as the water ran down my form, embracing me in its heat, but sadly there was nothing that could ease the tension that was building up in me with every passing moment.

The world, the countries, the shows, the people and the Echelon – that was my life, those were my dreams and inspiration. How could she be on my mind when I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hands? How could she haunt me in my dreams, lurking, seducing and robbing me from my rest? Who was she to do so?

I had her for one night – for those few blissful hours, invading her space, her body and soul. I thought that after being with her, stripping her from the dignity that she wore so close to her form, everything would change. But I was so wrong on so many levels. Everything did change, but the change happened in me.

I fucking hated seeing her face before my eyes – in my sleep, between the breaks and even sometimes in the crowd. And yet it was never her; it was only my consciousness playing tricks on my mind. Fool.

I fucking hated remembering her moans, replaying the sound that came past her lips in my mind over and over again, until I felt myself being unable to move. It was too much to bear.

Her soft skin beneath my fingers – I couldn’t bring myself to look at other women anymore. She spoiled me with her kisses – so hot, so wet and begging for assault; and the sounds that came past her lips – laughs, moans, cries – everything. I was so gone.

How could I look at anyone else, if all I saw before me were the blazing, fiery green eyes? How could I look at anyone else, if all I saw before my eyes were the deep, dark curls? And how could I look at anyone else, if all I wanted was waiting home, left in the comfort of her silky sheets.

“Hurry up in there!” Tomo’s loud voice echoed throughout the bathroom as I regained my composure – once again she had invaded my thoughts and my privacy. “Curse you,” I snapped shutting the water off.

* * *

Two heads turned in unison as I opened the door and entered the bedroom holding the answer to the sickness I have been having lately – positive. It was positive.

Vicki’s and Alona’s curious stares bore into my face, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at them; I couldn’t look my friend and sister in the eye. I was so … heartbroken and so … pathetic. “It’s positive,” the quiet sound came past my lips as I sat down on the bed, trying hard not to break down.

There was silence surrounding us; even the sobs that came past my lips seemed to have lost their sound – it was too much bear and too much to deal with. I couldn’t … I wouldn’t. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t want this. The little life that was growing inside suffocated me. I couldn’t breathe let alone function properly. I felt so dirty and so invaded.

What was there left of me? What was I good for now?
“I can’t keep it,” I whispered trying hard not to cry. I could almost feel the tears forming in my eyes, but no – I held them in. If I would let the tears fall, there would be no stopping, and the last thing I wanted right now was cry my eyes out. I had to get myself together. I just had to.

“What do you mean you can’t keep it?” Vicki exclaimed. “Are you going to give up on a child?” I shrunk at her demanding voice – so sharp and reproachful. How could I keep it? “I just can’t,” I sobbed looking down at my pale arms, my vision blurred from the tears that started to form in my eyes.

“Don’t you think you have to at least talk to Shannon before you make such a drastic decision?” My eyes shot up at Vicki’s face. “He has a right to know and he has just as much right at this as you.”
I have never seen Vicki being like this – there was no mercy in her eyes. The calm, collected exterior was replaced by a woman, who could barely hold herself together – her temper rose and she was beyond annoyed.

“I can’t … I simply can’t.” I whispered once again, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks – I was so useless and so weak.
“Both of you just shut up.” My sister’s voice rang. “We have to stop and collect ourselves – Helena, get yourself together … And Vicki, calm down. It’s her choice to do whatever she pleases to – we have no saying in this.”

“How can we not have anything to say in this?” Vicki exclaimed. “We’re talking about a human being here – a growing soul developing under her heart. How can she not want it? For God’s sake, it’s your child Helena! Yours and Shannon’s child!”

“That’s the reason I don’t want it!” I snapped looking at both women. “It’s his …” They stood there looking at my shaking form as I tried my best to not explode – my spinning head was killing me and the nausea increased by every passing minute. “Don’t you see it? He wouldn’t want to do anything with the baby! It was just sex … Unprotected, stupid sex.”

“You stupid girl,” Vicki laughed looking at me like I was some kind of fool. “The guy wouldn’t fuck you, if he didn’t feel anything for you. Wake up, Helena.” Vicki took her jacket and purse and left the room without saying goodbye.

I closed my eyes and sighed. A few hot tears fell down my cheeks, but I wiped them away just as quickly as they came. No more sorrow.

The weight of the bed beside me sank as Alona embraced me, stroking my hair and pressing me into her form. I tried to push her away at first, but the comfort that she offered was something I needed so much, so I let her do it – I let her stroke my hair, I let her hold my sobbing form to her.

“I have never regretted anything,” she whispered in my hair. “But there were things I have done that made me bow my head in shame. Some of these things are buried so deep inside that they come at night and haunt me, like the ghosts from the past – lurking, invading.” She sighed kissing the top of my head.

“I’ve had an abortion and it was the stupidest thing I have ever done – I was young and naïve, and I was scarred just like you are now – a baby was never a part of my plans so I decided to get rid of it. God must’ve been angry at me for the decision I made, because now I am infertile – the doctor that made the surgery warned me about the possible chances of losing the fertility, but I didn’t listen. Instead I lost my humanity – I am not able to have a baby ever again.” She whispered the last part, her voice cracking as a sob escaped past her lips.

“I killed the only child I have ever had and I killed my hope for the future. I tried to fix things – the operations and the procedures cost a lot of money, but they were useless. They didn’t bring my fertility back. So that is the main reason why all the money that parents left me are gone – I tried and I failed.” Alona took my face in her arms and looked at me with her tearstained eyes. “I want you to be happy. I want you to make a different decision, even if it’s not what you really want.” She tried to smile. “Because that little life that now grows inside of you,” she put her arm over my flat abdomen, “is a little soul – a small breath of life and it has a right to live.”

Another sob escaped past Alona’s lips, “don’t make the same mistake I made, please sister.”

* * *

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the sleep out of my system. Stupid sleeping patterns – I could never go to bed like a normal person would, but then again I guess I was not a normal person and this was not a normal situation. I sighed looking at the coffee table that was covered with magazines and papers – an attempt to occupy myself while insomnia played with my mind.

My Blackberry vibrated on the couch and I looked at the screen – Alona.
“Hey,” I greeted with my voice full of sleep.
“You called?” her usual mischievous tone on the other side made me smile. I missed that voice.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Alona chuckled before answering, “you sound exhausted, what time is it?”
I looked up at the clock that hung on the opposite wall and sighed, “four in the morning.”
“What are you doing up so early?” she exclaimed as I heard the busy street in the background.

“I haven’t been to bed yet,” I yawned taking the cup of coffee and drinking it.
“Busy night or is it just one of those creative moments?” Alona asked chuckling a bit.
“Neither … Couldn’t fall asleep,” I said getting up and walking towards the kitchen section placing the empty cup on the counter.

“Insomnia, huh?”
“Happens sometimes,” I answered pouring the steaming water into the cup.
“So you want me to tell you a bedtime story?” Alona chuckled. A smile appeared on my lips as I placed the kettle back on the stove and made my way to the couch I have been occupying. “Nah, not this time. Tell me what’s new, how are you and Helena? I haven’t heard from her for a while now,” I said taking a gulp of the coffee.

There was a silence on the other end before Alona answered with a sigh, “she’s fine.” I furrowed my eyebrows, “is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine, Jared.” Alona didn’t sound too convincing.

I have been talking to Alona almost every day for the past two months and found that she was actually a very interesting person to talk with – sometimes she was open minded and straight, but other times it was like I had to get information out of her with force, verbally of course. She was spontaneous and always genuine and a person I could count on, but despite the fact that we have been getting to know each other more and more with each passing day it was never in a romantic kind of way. Guess I didn’t see her as an object of desire and it didn’t look like she was interested either, which was rather fine with me.

“Are you sure?” I asked letting Alona understand that I didn’t believe her.
“Listen, everything is fine more or less, but it is and let’s just drop the subject, okay?” she sighed.
“Okay,” I agreed closing my eyes and letting my head rest on the back of the couch.

One thing I learned about Alona is that she didn’t like when people tried to get her to talk. She was the kind of person who would do the things she wanted to do – if she wanted to talk, she would talk; sooner or later, but she would.

“Is Helena really okay? I feel like she’s drifting away,” I sighed rubbing my eyes.
“She’s … good,” Alona said after a pause.
“Alona,” I groaned into the phone feeling slightly annoyed. “What are you keeping from me? Is Helena alright? What is going on th –?”
“How’s Shannon?” Alona suddenly asked catching me off guard. Her tone was rather annoyed and somewhat stinging.

“He’s been acting like a pissy drama queen lately, but other than that the usual self.” I answered looking at the bunk area that was consumed in darkness.

To come and think of it Shannon was acting a bit uncharacteristic lately – a snotty remarks here and there, a slightly nasty attitude towards people around him and an aggressive playing during sound checks and shows, which always ended up in him breaking the drum sticks and a pissed off energy rolling of off him in massive waves; but I guess it was just a phase he had to get through. To come and think of it, he has been also smoking more lately – the fact I have tried to dismiss, but now when I come to think of it, it was pretty bad. There was something definitely wrong with Shannon.

Alona grumbled something on the other end of the line bringing me back to reality. “Did he do something?” I asked.
“No, he didn’t … Listen, I have to open the restaurant, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asked and I could picture a small smile playing on her lips. I smiled in return and nodded my head, “you do that, have a good day.”

* * *

“Morning sunshine,” I greeted my brother with a smirk, seeing his not-so-happy morning face. Shannon grumbled in return as he made his way into the kitchen.

It was eight in the morning and I was still occupying the same dark leather couch drinking coffee from the same white mug. The only difference was that this time the coffee table was free from the papers and magazines and I had a laptop on my lap.

I looked at my brother’s form – Shannon was making his way through the kitchen with an annoyed look on his face and there was tension surrounding his every movement. “Shan’, are you alright?” I asked looking back at the screen.
“Peachy,” Shannon replied passing by without a glance, and heading out banging the door with a full force.

“Good morning!” Tomo’s voice rang through the bus as he entered the room. “It’s such a beautiful morning, oh yes it is, oh yes it is,” he sang heading to the kitchen area.
“Hey Tomo, do you think that there’s something wrong with Shannon?” I asked closing the laptop and placing it on the coffee table.

“Well, other than him being a prick lately, then no – I don’t think that there’s something wrong with him.” Tomo said pouring steaming water into his cup. “I think that he needs to get laid and fast, or else he’s going to kill everyone in sight.” Tomo shrugged sitting beside me. I sighed closing my eyes once again. The sleep was slowly taking over my form.

“Had a rough night?” Tomo asked sipping on his mug.
“Didn’t feel like sleeping,” I admitted looking over at Tomo. He smiled before answering, “you have weird sleeping habits.”
“Tell me about it,” I sighed.

“Have you heard something from Helena?” I asked, wanting to know if I was the only one she was avoiding.
“Well, I haven’t heard from Helena personally for about a month, but Vicki talks with her all the time. They have bonded,” Tomo smiled.
“That’s good,” I nodded.
“Yeah.”

The door to the bus opened and Shannon came in, placing the pack of cigarettes on the counter before heading back to the bunks. “Hey Shan’,” Tomo called after his retreating form. “Yeah?” A grumpy voice answered.
“You alright?” Tomo asked anticipating the answer.
“Yeah.” A distant voice sounded and Tomo waved a hand at Shannon dismissing him, “sure you are.” Tomo mumbled under his nose.

“He’ll come around eventually,” I said.
“Yeah.”

* * *

The red mass boiled in the pot, as I added freshly chopped potatoes – it was almost time for lunch and I decided to make a borsch.

I remember how my grandmother used to come to visit us and she would always make borsch no matter what. Maybe it was because me and Alona liked it more than our mother’s cooking, or maybe it was just because grandmother always made it so incredibly delicious. Either way it was something I would never forget and would bring into this family as well – a Mori family’s tradition.

Now that there was the four of us living under the roof I found myself becoming happier and happier with each passing day. The news of me being pregnant were kept in secret – the only people who knew that I was carrying a child under my heart was Alona and Vicki. I couldn’t bring myself to admit it to anyone else, even Martha; it was just something I wanted to keep to myself for a while.

There was also the fact that I had to tell the news to Constance and Ruby eventually and I decided that I would come clean today – Constance was coming over for a lunch and I had a perfect opportunity. I just wasn’t sure if I could do it – I was scared; scared of what her reaction would be – would she hate me for sleeping with her son and carrying her grandchild under my heart? Either way I had to do something or the guilt that I felt would eat me alive.

The other fear that I had to face was telling the father himself – I haven’t talked to Shannon after that night – not even a word, let alone a phone call. I didn’t even have his phone number not that it was a problem – I could always ask Jared, or Tomo or even Vicki for it, but I couldn’t. Not yet.

Vicki and I made up after the little argument we had in the morning I found out that I was indeed pregnant. She came and apologized for her behavior and I apologized for being so blind and irresponsible – I had to think about the things I said and did now that I had another person to take care of – my flesh and blood.
I admitted that abortion was not an option and I would raise the child alone if I had to.

The white phone vibrated on the kitchen counter as I dried my hands in the towel and looked over the screen – unknown number.
“Yes?” I said into the phone.
“Helena?” An unfamiliar voice came from the other end and I furrowed my brows in confusion.
“Yes. Who is it?” I asked.
“It’s Oliver,” a voice answered chuckling slightly. Oliver?
“We met at the club a week ago, remember?” Shit …
“Oh, yeah …” I said images of the night playing in my mind – he was the cute guy that happened to be in a wrong place at a wrong time. I felt so guilty rejecting him.

“I’m glad that you remember me,” he chuckled and I smiled in return.
“Yes well I do remember faces rather well,” I laughed looking at the steaming soup.
“Is that so?” He asked and I could picture a smirk playing on those lips of his.
“Yes.” I nodded.

“Well, seeing as we didn’t had the proper chance to meet I would like to ask you out for a diner,” he said his voice being polite.
“Oh,” I said feeling a little taken aback. “Are you asking me out?” the words came past my lips without even thinking. I shut my eyes cursing mentally as I heard his deep chuckle ringing on the other end. “Yes, that was just what I was asking, if you don’t mind of course.” I sighed feeling a bit lost. Why now?
“Listen Oliver,” I said feeling slightly guilty. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I admitted. “It’s not a good timing and I’m terribly sorry – I won’t be able to come to a diner with you.”

“Do you have a special someone?” His voice asked with curiosity.
“Umm, no.” I answered feeling a bit shy. He was persistent.
“Then I don’t see the problem of getting to know me,” Oliver chuckled and I bit my lip not really knowing what to do.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I said once again, trying to get my point across clear.
“Why are you so afraid of going out with me?” He asked in a sweet voice. “It doesn’t have to be a date if that is making you uncomfortable. I just want to meet you Helena, that’s all.”

He wanted to meet me and that was it, was it? I thought about saying yes to the guy, but I couldn’t help and feel that it would be a decision I would regret. I didn’t even know the guy and yet I didn’t even give him a chance to introduce himself.

“Maybe some other time,” I said feeling a bit guilty – it was not a complete rejection, but I still gave him hope when I myself felt that there was none. I was such a coward.
Oliver sighed into the phone before answering, “I’ll call you later Helena and don’t you go running away from me – I always get what I want. Have a good day, Helena.”

I looked down at the phone and decided to save the number in case he would call me – that way I would know not to pick up.
A doorbell rang and I smiled – the soup was ready and Constance was here. I placed the phone and the towel on the counter and made my way towards the front door.