The Pursuit of Happiness

The most blissful and overwhelming feeling a woman could have was feeling the little soul inside of her make one of the first movements. That almost unnoticeable touch under a woman’s heart which lasts only for a second or so and yet it is there. Even the mind stops still and the heart tries to listen into the stillness waiting for another glimpse and soon enough the wait is rewarded and the touch repeats itself – like a soft breeze on a summer day, playing in the leafy hairs of the trees – so gentle, so caring and yet demanding of attention.

“Are you listening?” Martha’s concerned voice rang on the other side of the phone as I was brought back to reality. “Yeah,” I sighed letting the smile grace my lips. “The baby moved,” I said to Martha ignoring almost everything around me and trying to catch another touch of the little soul growing inside of me.

The touch was light, almost unnoticeable, but oh, how I felt it. The smile on my lips widened and for the first time I felt as if something in me bloomed. “I’m here, mommy and I love you,” the little being said, touching me softly, and oh, how much I loved my little baby.

I was five months pregnant – a little over the half of the journey was done and I couldn’t help but wonder – how did the time managed to fly by so fast?

I remembered the first time I visited my doctor – a lovely lady in her mid-forties with a lovely smile on her thin lips and deep brown chocolate eyes. She held kindness in her words and actions, and something about her presence made the uncomfortable process become delightful. I enjoyed watching my little bundle moving on the black screen – there he was, my little boy. And yes, it was a boy – a beautiful, healthy baby boy.

I found out the gender of the baby just yesterday when I had my ultrasound. Constance was not able to come this time, but I wasn’t angry or anything. It didn’t matter actually – the woman was with me most of the time, even more then my own sister, but I guess it was just Constance’s motherly instincts kicking in – she did consider me as her daughter and the little baby boy growing in me was like a grandchild to her. Little did she know that the baby was indeed her grandchild.

“How does it feel?” Martha asked as I tried to find the right words to describe the blissful moment.
“It’s beautiful, Martha.” I whispered. “I feel like the baby is noticing that I’m his mommy … he knows I’m here and I feel so, so … God, I can’t even find the right words,” I laughed stroking the bump. “It feels like heaven, Martha. Such a pure and genuine feeling, it almost makes me cry,” I admitted feeling slightly emotional.

“My dear, enjoy it while you can,” Martha chuckled. “You won’t even notice how the time flew past as you will look into the small face of your firstborn.”

I imagined the sight Martha described – the little bundle sleeping in the warmth and love of my arms. A baby blue blanket wrapped securely around the little form, while my son dreamt of a place unknown. My son.

“It’s a boy.” I admitted to Martha laying down on my bed where Pythagoras slept. The big baby was getting lazy – sleeping and eating was the main tasks he did daily and I had to finally do something about it. Or maybe I could let Alona deal with him – she was more than happy to spend her free time with the puppy seeing as they have bonded lately.

“Oh God, congratulations … How many time have I congratulated you tonight?” Martha laughed and I let my own smile play on my lips.

I missed my friend. I missed her more than anything, but I couldn’t be selfish. I had to get myself together and understand that Martha had just started to actually live her life and yet I still felt a bit envious of her. The cities she visited, the memories she collected and the emotional and spiritual wealth she found within herself – oh God how I wished to be there with her. How I wished for my life to be just as joyful and full of happiness as hers was now, but … it was not my life, it was hers. And I tried to actually be truly and completely happy for her no matter how loud the voice in the back of my head wanted to scream at my consciousness and cloud it with envy and jealousy.

What kind of a friend was I for thinking that way?
What kind of a person was I for wishing away what I had right here, right now – the baby, the loving family and friends, and of course myself – a personality that was still forming. I was still exploring and getting to know myself and the world I lived in and yet, here I was sometimes wishing my life would turn out differently.

“Does Shannon know yet?” Martha asked and I allowed my mind to fill with the images of the man that was the father of my child. “No, he doesn’t. Tomo promised not to tell anyone, not even Jared.” I said feeling slightly uncomfortable.

I asked too much of Tomo and I knew it perfectly well. This keeping the truth from all the right people was getting old, but what was I supposed to do? Come out clean in a bright daylight, just like that? No, I couldn’t. Instead I waited for something, for a sign of some sort to make things right.

“You should tell Shannon.”
“Yeah,” I sighed feeling slightly irritated.

How many times do I hear that sentence every day? It was almost impossible to stay sane and yet here I was, still with my mouth shut. I hurt myself and the people, the family that I loved – my family.

“I will,” I promised Martha nodding my head.
I had to.

* * *

I closed the door of the bus behind me and light up the end of my cancer stick, exhaling the white smoke into the cool night. Taking the stick in between my fingers, I quickly pushed the buttons of my black phone, searching for the person I wanted talk with. Helena.

Ever since I found out that she was carrying the child of non-other than Shannon Leto, I took the charge of seeing how well the pregnancy went. Some part of me was still angry at her for not telling me sooner and for, of course, keeping the truth to herself, but I had to understand her reasons behind her actions – she was so young and the child of the man who wasn’t even interested in the girl was not a fairy tale a girl could dream of. Sure, Shannon did have the hots for Helena, but I doubted it was something more, but maybe it was just my subjective opinion.

Shannon was acting rather peculiarly since the tour started – a bit bipolar and sometimes even unbearable with his mood swings, but hey – who was I to speak?
Even Jared seemed to be a bit taken aback by his brother’s behavior and that got me wondering – was Shannon’s strange behavior connected with that one time he shared with Helena?

To come and think of it, he was never rather friendly with her. In fact, most of the time he was trying hard to ignore her, but those secret glances in her way and the way his whole form changed whenever she was around, gave the whole show away. And the fact that he broke the things up with Miranda, it was something I still wasn’t able to wrap my mind around – sure, she was there for him and for his needs and Shannon said himself for a million times that Martha was just that – a woman, who understood him completely in bed, but never ever did he mention her in a relationship kind of way, let alone marriage and building a family. But maybe I was thinking too much into it. Maybe, maybe, maybe …

“Yes,” a sleepy voice replied on the other side of the phone as my lips formed into a smile. “Hey.”
“Tomo,” Helena said and I pictured the smile forming on her own lips.
“Did I wake you?” I asked dragging in the smoke.
“It’s okay. I wanted to call you anyway, but I dozed off,” Helena answered and I heard the ruffle of her sheets in the background.
I let the smoke out and chuckled, “how’s the baby?”

“The baby’s good – it’s a boy.” Helena chuckled announcing the news. I felt the smile in my lips widen and couldn’t help, but let the excitement take over my mind. “A boy? Congratulations, Helena! Oh God!”

Those were the best news I have heard in a while.
“A little Leto junior running around,” I chuckled imagining the sight.
“Shannon would be proud,” I let the words slip past my lips and cursed mentally. It was a touchy subject and I wasn’t exactly easy on Helena either. Hell, I’d rather tell Shannon myself that he was going to be a father and to a baby boy, but … it was not my place to tell.

“It’s difficult,” Helena sighed and I rolled my eyes, taking in another drag.
“Bullshit, Helena and you know it,” the words came out harsher than I intended them to sound, but that was done. Helena already knew my opinion of the whole situation – the more she stretched the whole process, the more painful it will be in the end.

But maybe it was good this way?
The band was still on tour and news like these would only make the matters worse. Who knew what would happen if Shannon actually discovered that Helena was with his child?

“I’m sorry,” I apologized feeling slightly guilty. The whole situation was totally fucked up and I was making it even worse for her. I wondered how she coped up with it all.

“How are you? How do you feel?” I asked feeling genuinely interested in Helena’s wellbeing.

Helena became one of the few people I truly held respect in – she was unique and of course something a person would not find on every corner, and she was a foreigner, but all the above didn’t matter actually. Sure, she was just like any other girl except with slightly more uncommon appearances, but her world was something that stood out the most – her point of view and beliefs made me relate to Helena on a higher level and I felt as if I have known her my whole life. Helena was really sweet, genuine and of course strong, otherwise she wouldn’t be there where she was now – a baby growing under her heart and her living in a foreign country. Not a perfect fairy tale, but I believed that people like Helena would have a happy ending – it was just the matter of her acceptance of things and gifts that Life had to offer.

“I feel good, actually surprisingly calm and happy,” Helena said a yawn escaping past her lips. I dragged in a smoke and chuckled. “You’re sleepy, I should let you go.”
“No, please, not yet … I missed talking to you,” Helena whined.

I threw the end of the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, “I’ll call you tomorrow. It’s late in LA, Helena.”
“No, Tomo, just a bit more,” she continued to protest and I finally caved in. It was my stupid idea to call her in the first place, now I had to deal with the consequences.

“Okay, you crazy mofo, what do you want to talk about?” I chuckled as I heard another yawn on the other end of the phone, “that’s the answer I was hoping to hear. Come on Helena, I’ll talk to you tomorrow – it’s really late.”
“Fine,” Helena grumbled as I let a laugh past my lips.
“Good night, Tomo,” Helena said and I nodded in return, “sweet dreams kiddo.”

* * *

“Is Helena pregnant?” I asked my voice full of disbelief.
I looked at Tomo’s shocked expression. He did not expect me to overhear his conversation with Helena, hell, I wasn’t expecting something like this to happen let alone invade his privacy, but the words that came past his lips made me freeze in my tracks – Helena was pregnant.

The walk to the nearby twenty-four hour grocery store ended up with me returning back to the bus – I forgot my wallet and instead of focusing on my task of filling the bus with fresh food, I stumbled upon shocking news – Helena was indeed pregnant.

The fact itself was something could never imagine to be the truth. Even worse – she was pregnant with my brother’s child. Helena was pregnant with Shannon’s child and I was … speechless.

I stood there looking at my band mate, waiting for him to confirm what I have heard a few moments ago. I knew it was the truth, there was no doubt about it, but I needed to hear it from Tomo. And why was it from Tomo?
What did he have to do with all of this?
It was Shannon’s child after all, why didn’t he know anything about it?
“Does Shannon know?” I demanded my voice taking a sharper edge.

“Lower your voice, Jared.” Tomo said, shoving his hands in his jacket’s pockets. “Yes, Helena is pregnant and no, Shannon does not know – it’s not our place to tell.”

“The hell it’s not our place to tell! He’s my brother and the father of the child,” I spat feeling my temper flare.
What the hell was going on?

“That is the reason why it is not our place to tell – it’s Shannon’s child. His and Helena’s and they have to deal with it.” Tomo said coming closer to me.
“What the hell? Why am I finding this out just now?” I demanded once again. “And how come Shannon does not know? Does mother and Ruby know?”

“No, they do not and that is how the things will stay, understand?”
“What?” I asked feeling slightly shocked. “Are you actually asking of me to keep something like this from my family? Tomo, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I tried to keep my voice down and to calm myself as much as I could. It all was a sick twisted joke, I just knew.

“It’s Helena’s choice, Jared. Please, respect that.”
“Respect my ass, I’m telling Shannon.” I said walking past Tomo.
“And what then, huh? We still have two months left! What will happen to the whole tour?” Tomo’s words made me stop in my tracks.
“You know how he’s been lately and don’t tell me you haven’t noticed – he’s your brother and even you see that his behavior has changed since Helena entered our lives.”

“Oh it sure as hell changed – my brother is like a walking woman on her periods and all because of her.” I said turning around. “She’s the main reason why Shannon is such a pain in the ass …”

“She may be, but it was Shannon’s own fault. He was the one who couldn’t keep it in his pants, not to mention the fact of using protection.” Tomo rolled his eyes and my lips broke into a smirk. “Idiot.”

“He broke things off with Miranda, Jared …” Tomo said after he let his own smile grace on his lips.
Miranda was a woman my brother liked to fuck, to say things more clearly. Sure, she was beautiful, smart and all that, but … it wasn’t enough for Shannon to actually settle down. On the one hand it was actually making things easier – the world tour and the success that the record had gained made the band reach for the dreams we thought were never possible, but then again we all were a pretty big dreamers and seeing something like that came to life was breathtaking.

But on the other hand we were not getting younger – sure, the looks stayed the same, but … it’s wasn’t the same, not from the inside at least. I knew that my brother wished to have a family, I did too, but not in these circumstances. There was too much to life than a family and a white picket fence. There was plenty of time for that in the future – not this was a war – the Echelon, the band, the world, the shows – everything.

“Oh God,” I sighed, rubbing my face with my palms. “If this gets out we’re so screwed.”
“I don’t think it will be that bad. Sure, it might be slightly shocking at first, but we’re still humans after all.” Tomo shrugged.
“Yeah, I know, but … everything is so fucked up.” I sighed looking up into the night sky.
“I couldn’t agree more,” Tomo sighed. “Let’s just hope for the best.”

* * *

“Hey,” I said once Helena picked up the phone.
“Hey,” she replied the sleep covering her every word.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could. It was early in the morning and it was also one those sleepless nights. I just had a lot on my mind and it was hard to make my mind stop running around with all the thoughts.

“Tell you what?” She asked sounding genuinely tired. I guessed it was still too early in Los Angeles.
“About the baby,” I replied closing my eyes and waiting for her reaction.

“How did you know?” Helena’s calm voice asked after a while.
“Overheard your talk with Tomo,” I replied feeling slightly uncomfortable – I invaded their space. “It wasn’t on purpose.”

Helena sighed on the other end and there was the silence once again. I was wondering if she fell asleep and wanted to ask if she was still there, before I heard her voice, “I’m sorry.” It was all that she said.

“Don’t be,” I replied feeling slightly guilty for making her uncomfortable. Tomo told me everything about the pregnancy and the way Helena felt about the whole situation. It did cease my angriness and I began to understand Helena’s motives behind her actions, but I still thought that she had to tell Shannon. Sooner or later, but she had too.

“No, I am. I really am. You don’t know how hard it is to keep something like this to myself,” she sniffed and I opened my eyes.
Was she crying?

“Are you crying?” I asked feeling guilty – I made a pregnant lady cry.
“No, I just have something in my eyes,” she sniffed some more and I chuckled at her lame attempt to cover up the fact that she indeed was on the verge of tears.
“Go to sleep Helena and don’t worry about a thing – I will not tell anyone.” I said, closing my eyes once again and feeling a smile grace my lips.