The Pursuit of Happiness

More than twelve percent of babies in the United States are born prematurely every year, and my son – my firstborn, was one of them. I sighed rubbing my tired eyes trying so hard to stay awake. The last eight hours were the longest and possibly the most terrible ones in my whole life. I have never thought about actually becoming a father. Sure, I did think about the option, but as soon as the thought came, I shoved it into the darkest parts of my mind – it wasn’t something that I actually wanted just yet, not even after I broke everything off with Miranda. The look in her eyes was always the same – pure love and commitment, which showed that she was ready to actually build a family, but sadly I was not the right guy. And yet, here I was, a father to a baby boy who I didn’t know existed until those faithful eight hours ago. The thought itself was shocking and somewhat frightening, but when I saw the tiny, red bundle in doctor’s arms and heard the sounds coming out of the little mouth, I couldn’t help but feel proud – I was a father.

Theodore Leto was born prematurely and that was what made the proud smile on my lips turn into a frown and the fear of unknown kicked in – will I be able to hold him in my arms and smile down at his sleeping form? Will his first word be ‘dada’? Will the first music he listens to be something that my band made? Will he be a drummer just like his father? Will he make it into the college and have a bachelor’s degree or maybe he will be just like me – chasing dreams, making them into reality, living life the fullest and breathe in the energy that crowd was giving so freely? Will his first love become the mother of his children? And the most important of all – will my son survive?

It has been eight hours, eight hours of constant nerve-wrecking emotions and thoughts running through my mind and my body, and when Theodore was finally born, I felt relief wash over my entire form. He made it.

Of course that was only the first step into this world, reality was far crueler than that – as a prematurely born baby he was fighting for his right to live, to make it through the night and see another sunrise. I knew he would make it, there was no other way – Theodore Leto had to make it! He was a God’s gift after all …

The name, Theodore, was something that Ruby suggested once the doctor asked if we had a name for the newborn. Helena looked at me with those glassy eyes of hers as I stared back at the woman, who has just given birth to my son, thousand emotions running through my form, as the name flew past my lips, “Theodore Leto,” I said, remembering Ruby’s suggestion, my voice hoarse, “God’s gift.” Helena’s fiery eyes glazed over with tears once again hearing the name – Theodore was my son and I claimed my rights to be his father – I was willing to be there for him and for her.

I was still mad at Helena for not telling me that she was pregnant with my child – I could’ve been there for her through it all, I could’ve saved her from the misery she had put herself into, but no … She wanted to learn it the hard way. But no matter how hard I tried to stay angry at her, I couldn’t quite be angry. Not even when she looked at me with those tired, beautiful eyes of hers that were puffy and red from all the crying and the lack of sleep. She was so beautiful and beneath all my anger I felt emotions which were none other than gratitude – Helena gave me the best gift I could ever ask for.

I still felt betrayed by my brother and Tomo – they knew that Helena was pregnant with my child and they didn’t think it was actually something that was worth mentioning, not even once … not even a hint … no nothing and that was what drove me crazy the most – the silence, the keeping things from me. Sure, I wouldn’t react the way I did if it was nothing, but a child and a pregnancy was not nothing! I was sorry for yelling and snapping at Jared, I was sorry for shoving him into the car, I was sorry for being the way I was, but I was not sorry for the things I said – I had a right to know.

“You should eat something,” a voice which belonged to Tomo said. I opened my eyes and raised my gaze towards my friend. “Not hungry,” was my reply – a simple, casual tone, which meant that I wasn’t angry nor was I happy – I was approachable.
“They’ll be fine for a half an hour,” Tomo continued. “But you I’m not so sure about,” he sighed sitting beside me.

He was right, I haven’t had a proper meal since we got on the plane more than twenty hours ago, but … hunger was the last thing on my mind. Everything was in such a blur that I have forgotten about essential things like sleeping and eating. My stomach grumbled and that was when I finally felt that I indeed was hungry. “Sure, let’s go.” I said rising from my seat and walking towards the elevators, a surprised Tomo following my every step.

* * *

“You know, everything was perfectly fine once you decided to arrive,” the venom in her voice was starting to get on my nerves and I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying anything that I would regret later on. Yes, I understood perfectly that Alona was hurt; her sister had just given a birth to a baby that was not due for at least another two months and no matter where their twisted relationship stood, Alona was protective towards her sister. She cared for her no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

“Oh shut up,” I whispered sighing heavily, not even bothering looking at her – it would only cause more drama and my head was already throbbing slightly from the lack of sleep.

“Oh no,” she snarled from her seat, “You do not tell me what to do when you are the one responsible for all this mess! If it wasn’t for you my sister would not be here, crying her eyes out all the fucking time! If it wasn’t for you and your irresponsibility and the lack of knowledge of safe intercourse, she would not be here and –”

“And you would not be an aunt,” I snapped looking Alona in the eyes. She finally got what she wanted – I lost control and gave her a piece of my mind with one sentence and I hoped that it would shut her up … or at least I thought it would, before her shocked face turned into more angered one.

“You swine! How dare you talk to me like that? How dare you intervene with my family? How did you even dare touching my sister, my sister – of all the woman you had to choose her, you son of a – ”

“That’s enough,” Vicki said her voice stern. “We’re all at fault here and there’s nothing we can do about it right now, so please, let’s be civil and wait for the visiting hours to start.” Vicki finished, closing her eyes and leaning into the solid form of her fiancée.

But no matter how much Vicki wanted to break the tension that surrounded our little group I couldn’t help but give Alona a piece of my mind. “You don’t know anything about me,” I whispered, my voice stern and my eyes holding her form tightly in place, “so you, the drama queen with low self-esteem, should stop judging everyone and everything in your way, because the way I see it, you’re just so insecure about yourself that you have a constant bitch syndrome playing in that thick skull of yours. So shut the fuck up and do not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong – what is going on between your sister and me is none of your business, so fuck off.”

I was breathing deeply, trying hard to collect myself after the little speech. I was cruel, the words were harsh, there was no doubt about it, and the hurt in Alona’s face was hidden behind a scowl, but I saw it – I saw the flash in her green eyes, I saw her form crumble for that one second and yet she hid it so well which made me wonder whether I imagined my impact on her or not.

I never regretted anything in my life, nor have I ever spoken to a woman like that, but she asked for it. Alona was asking for it the whole time she was here – the bitching, the blaming and constant irritation was unbearable, so I was satisfied that finally those words came out of my mouth. I was actually pleased to see hurt in her face, it was somewhat appealing and gave me a sense of satisfaction.

But I had nothing against Alona, she was rather pleasant person to be around when she was in her good mood, but her drastic temper was something I was not used too. It drove me crazy from times to times and I had almost forgotten what she was like while we were on tour. Jared and Tomo communicated with sisters all the time, while I just dreamt of seeing Helena once more for those long seven months. Seven long, hopeful months and here I was having so much more than I expected and waiting to finally see her, eye to eye without judging, without blaming and snapping – just me and her, and our son.

I was willing to make her my wife. The thought scarred me so much, but I didn’t care or rather I forced myself not to care, because there was no benefit in it for her or me, it was all about Theodore. I knew what it was like to not have a father. Yes, I had a stepfather who did his best in raising me and Jared, but that was not it … I was actually willing to go down the aisle with a woman I felt attracted to. Not love, not anything sappy and all that crap that came with love, but actual attraction – the passion, the lust and caring.

The idea of becoming a married man was crazy, I could see the hurt in Miranda’s eyes once she would hear about it, but … it was not about me anymore. Hell, it was not about Miranda anymore, I had to stop caring about other people, I have done it for such a long time and now … Now I had the opportunity to do what’s right.

Marriage was the topic I was not keen on talking about. The whole process of bonding and exchanging wows in front of family and friends was … unpleasant to say the least. If I truly cared for my significant other I wouldn’t need to put a ring on her finger just to keep her to myself, because that was what people did these days – they walked the aisle in fear of being hurt and hoped that a legally signed paper, a peace of processed wood with a few symbols on it, would make a person faithful. A complete bullshit, if someone would ask me.

And my opinion was quite noticed by everyone – friends and family, and everyone who knew me. I wasn’t rushing things that had to do with legally signed “husband and wife” on it, I couldn’t actually imagine calling anyone my wife, but … Helena was something different. I didn’t know if I actually wanted to make her my wife, it was just something I had to say to make things right, or at least what I thought was right. I had to be responsible now when I had someone to actually take care of – my flesh and blood.

* * *

I raised my eyes towards the doors and felt my heartbeat stop. There he was in all his glory – the man I learned to like, then hate, then once again like and now … now I was simply confused.

I knew that there was something wrong with the way I felt, I knew that something would go wrong and it did. My little son was born earlier, too early and there were chances that he would not make it. But he had to, he had to …

I felt my eyes burning once again, but there were no more tears to shed. I have cried enough for the past hours, the constant worrying and negative thoughts that ran through my head were getting to me – my body was numb from all the drugs the doctors have injected in me, but my head was what hurt the most – the throbbing didn’t cease completely, it was still there in the back of my mind, lurking, invading. And the emptiness inside of me was unbearable. I was so used to having him in me that I didn’t know how to be without my little baby …

“Hey,” Shannon said approaching the bed and sitting down at the seat beside it. I looked into his eyes and tried to smile, but failed miserably when my lips trembled. I wasn’t going to cry in front of him, no, I forbid myself to cry!

“It’s going to be alright,” Shannon’s strong arms wrapped themselves around me as I let the sobs past my lips – I felt so miserable. All the pain and guilt I felt for the last seven months were finally coming out – the regret, the hurt, the pain and all the misery, I let it all out, sobbing uncontrollably in his strong chest. Shannon’s scent invaded my nostrils as his strong arms caressed my form – the way his fingers stroke the back of my head was so comforting that it made me forget about the throbbing I felt since I got here.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered after what seemed like forever. I was still in his arms, Shannon’s back pressed against the pillows of my hospital bed, his chest raising and falling evenly with every breath he took, and his heart was beating steadily in that strong chest of his. “I am so sorry for everything,” I whispered once again letting him understand that I indeed was sorry for everything.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered back in that husky voice of his, as I closed my eyes, enjoying his touch and feeling sleep finally taking over my form. I was finally at peace.

* * *

“Jared,” I said smiling at the man sitting in the chair beside the bed I was still occupying. The little nap did wonders to my whole form – the drugs seemed to finally kick in and no longer did I feel the throbbing at the back of my mind – it was gone, just like Shannon.

“Hey there,” Jared’s face lit up as he saw me finally awaken. “How are you?”
“Dizzy,” I chuckled trying to get a hold of myself. Oh yes, the drugs were finally working.
Jared smiled and rubbed his tired eyes. His hair was a mess – it had outgrown and was done in a messy updo which suited him very good. His clothes were still the same and I wondered if he ever made it home.

“Have you been home?” I asked resting my head against the pillow.
“Not yet,” he answered looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his. There was comforting silence between us as we looked at each other, both lost in our own worlds.

I couldn’t read Jared’s expression, his eyes were looking far beyond this room and I felt my own mind filling with the images of the events that have happened – the whole process of delivery passed by in such a blur, I couldn’t believe that it all happened in eight hours. My little red bundle of joy was finally here, he made it – he breathed in his first breath of this world and a cry came out of his little mouth. And yet, he was still too little to function on his own – the doctors were taking a good care of him they ensured me, but I still couldn’t help but feel frightened that maybe he won’t live to see another sunrise. What if … what if he wouldn’t make it? How could I move on? How could women who went through the same I was going through survived after it? Snap out of it, Helena, he’s alive!

That was what I had to focus on – the good things in life, the good things in my life. I had a child now, I had my little baby boy – Theodore Leto, my little God’s gift.

“May I come in?” A voice brought me out of my daydreaming as I looked at the newcomer standing in the doorway. Constance.

I felt my body stiffen and the tension returning to my form. This was not good, not good at all.
“Hey mom,” Jared said rising from his seat and approached Constance as she took careful steps towards my bed, never once looking at me.

They something to each other as Jared faced me a small smile playing on his tired face, “I’m going to head home, take a shower and grab a bit of something. You’ll be okay without me here?”
“She’ll be fine,” Constance said, crossing her arms on her chest and looked at me for the first time, with a small, tight smile gracing her lips.
“Alright then, I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Jared looked at me and with that he simply left. No hugs, no kiss on the forehead, no nothing … Just a simple “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

The silence fell upon us as I dropped my gaze on my hands, nibbling at my nails. For the first time I was nervous being in the presence of a woman I used to see as my mother. I felt ashamed and miserable, because I lied … because I kept the truth from her … because I hurt her in the most unpleasant way I could.

A sudden movement made my eyes shot up as I felt my heartbeat increase – there she was, occupying the chair that Jared have been mere minutes ago, looking at me with unreadable expression and without any words coming out of Constance’s mouth. The warm smile she had previously was gone; it was replaced with a thin line that her lips formed and never have I wanted to just disappear as I wanted it that moment. The silence was unbearable, it suffocated me, made me feel miserable once again. I was about to open my mouth and say something when her hand shot up in act of silencing me. “Hush,” she said in a stern voice. “Let me speak, please.”

So I let her – I let her inhale deeply as she stared at the ceiling for a while before her blue, mesmerizing eyes, fell on my form with unshed tears in them. “Thank you,” a simple gesture, a gratitude, a serene emotion was flowing off of Constance in waves and it all hit me like a train on the tracks. Constance thanked me, she didn’t throw a tantrum, she didn’t judge, she just simply thanked me.

It was something I didn’t expected, hell, it was the last thing I expected her to do, and yet there she was, with tears rolling down her cheeks as Constance looked at me, trying to read me like a book and I let her. I let her see my motives behind my silence, I let her understand, I let her see the reasons why I kept it to myself and oh she saw it all, she knew me better than anyone else.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered once the time was right. Constance’s lips turned into a small smile before she stood up and embraced me in her arms. “Thank you,” she kissed my forehead and I closed my eyes. “Thank you so much.”