The Pursuit of Happiness

„I guess it would only be fair,” I stopped gathering my underwear as I heard his gruff, sleep filled voice behind me. “For you to leave this time,” I exhaled and turned around, facing half naked Shannon who was leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and an emotionless expression on his face. He had a towel tied around his lower half and his whole form was still somewhat wet from the shower he took earlier.

I was slowly awaken to the feeling of soft touches on my skin – skin on skin as his fingers traced invisible patterns on my heated, sleepy form. My first thought was to slap his hands away and give him a piece of my mind, but decided against it once his touches left my skin as I heard him getting out of the bed, leaving me alone in his bedroom.

His bedroom. Oh, I felt so completely and utterly ashamed of myself remembering the things we had done the whole night. We literally fucked like animals – rough and fast, demanding and conquering, passion enfolding our forms and blinding our minds; slowly and teasingly, with each and every touch sending our souls into oblivion; in each and every position known to human mind and with every technique Shannon knew. He was all I … wanted and so much more. Shannon could be anything and anyone, and yet he was himself and it all startled me, made me so scared I couldn’t breathe, let alone look him in those fiery eyes of his. The way he looked at me – let it be up or down, it made my toes curl and forget my own name.

I sighed and proceeded to put my undergarments on, trying to forget that he stood only a few feet away from me, half naked … with nothing underneath that towel of his. No, staying over was stupid and what was even more stupid, was the fact that I actually slept with Shannon.
Again.
Without protection.
Again.
Countless times over the somewhat ten hour period.
Again.

What was it with him and sex – an unprotected sex for the matter? And where was my brain? What was it with him and knowing my body so well? He discovered the small things so fast, like, how I loved it when he was taking me from behind, ravaging my body, my core, his large, strong palms groping my breasts. How I loved it when he held me tight by my hipbones, how he pulled my hair back, how he trailed his tongue through my folds, how he …
Oh God.

“Shannon,” I faced him feeling slightly flushed and after I was somewhat decent – a bra and panties didn’t help much, but at least it was something. “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted feeling kind of stupid standing there in front of him, the images of the things we did replaying in the back of my mind. What was I trying to say? That it was a mistake, again? That sleeping with my child’s father was a mistake? Yes, maybe it sounded stupid, but the situation we were in was far from perfect family portrait. “I am attracted to you, but Shannon, you have to admit,” I pleaded with him trying to get my point across clear. “We are so far from perfect and we’re not even a couple! You’re the father of my child and that’s it, Shannon! I don’t even know you!”

I was breathing heavily, the blood starting to race through my veins, pumping loudly in my ears, as it seemed like I was the only one who was stressing over these things, because Shannon just stood there, his arms still crossed over his chest and his beautiful face emotionless.

I sighed and turned around searching for the remaining parts of my clothing in desperate need to get home to Theodore; Constance and Ruby were probably happy to have the little one to themselves for such a long time, but enough was enough, and quite honestly, I missed my little baby.

I finished putting my pants on when I was spun around, facing the man I had slept with not so long ago, his whole form tense. “I’m getting sick and tired of this ‘I don’t know you’ crap,” Shannon said sternly, his beautiful eyes boring into mine. “If you don’t want to have anything to do with me then fine, I will leave you alone, but do not forget that we have a child together and there’s a possibility that we will have another one, and unlike last time, now I want to be a part of it in every single way,” he snapped.

“What?” I asked feeling like I’ve been slapped in the face. “What do you mean by ‘another one’? I do not wish to have more children with you, Shannon!” I exclaimed, trying to free myself from him, but his grip was firm and unless he let me go first, I didn’t stand a chance to be free. Instead he held me tightly, his whole form towering over my smaller one, his temper flaring.

“Are you trying to get me pregnant, Leto?” I asked still wiggling in his grasp, unable to believe the things I heard. “It’s not my intention, but it seems like whenever we are having sex, there’s no such thing as protection unless you’re on a pill, which I highly doubt, by the way,” he smirked leaning slightly away from me.

I was still looking at him like he had grown two heads and shook my head. “No, I’m not on the pill.” I mumbled feeling somewhat ashamed of admitting such a thing to him – it meant that he knew I was not the type of girl to jump from one bed to another and to have sex any time I wanted too, and I slowly began to understand what Shannon was referring to.

“Good, because I wouldn’t want you to take that shit. It doesn’t do woman any good anyway,” he replied letting go of my arm, but still standing close to me. “I would rather have you walking around with my child under your heart than let you take that poison, messing up everything that is natural.”

“Well then you need to learn what a condom is, because I do not plan on walking around with your child under my heart in the nearest future, nor am I planning on sleeping with you either. How could you Shannon, how could we? You have a girlfriend!” A week excuse, I knew, but the thought of it made me sick – I was no better than my parents, I was no better than any of the lying, cheating bastard that lied to his or hers significant other, deceived and had no respect in other person whatsoever – I made Shannon cheat and it made me so mad.

“Miranda was never my girlfriend to begin with,” Shannon chuckled, mischief dancing in his eyes, as his lips curled into smirk. “I guess I’m not the regular ‘boyfriend’ type, you see – I see, I conquer and I keep what’s mine, but I could never make Miranda mine, because if I did, then I would have to give all of me in return and I didn’t wish to do so. Something in the back of my head said that it wasn’t the right thing to do just yet. But you on the other hand, you are such a charmer,” he said, his smirk widening into a full grin.

In that moment I wanted to slap him so much, my whole form was starting to shake with anger. How could he? How could he even imagine that he could conquer me? To take me, all of me without giving anything back? I was not a fool to waste my time and all that was precious to a person who thought nothing about it. And I was certainly not a fool to Shannon Leto.

I somewhat collected myself, turning around in order to find my shirt and to get away from this place as fast as I could without saying something that I would most certainly regret. He was so not worth it.

“What are you doing?” He asked in a stern voice as I found my shirt and proceeded to put it on. “What does it look like?” I asked not even bothering to look at him. “I’m going home.”

“You are not going anywhere,” Shannon grabbed me by my arm roughly, as I was pressed flat against him. “Theodore is with my mother and Ruby, and he will be at their place as long as it takes. You and I on the other hand have some unfinished business.”

Wiggling and trying to get away from him was not an option, so I did the only thing that was left to do – I sighed and closed my eyes in surrender, “What do you want from me?”

I was so sick and tired of this, all of this – him and me and everything in-between, the drama, the stupidity of the whole situation, the pain and everyone who was involved. When did it all got out of control so much?
Silence. The only thing that I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears, mine and Shannon’s breathing, but he didn’t bother to reply. I sighed again and opened my eyes looking up at Shannon. He had a grim expression written all over his tired face, but as soon as he noticed that I was looking at him, the expression changed and it was replaced with the emotionless mask once again.

“Yes, I am afraid,” I admitted deciding to lay my cards on the table, to come clean, finally. This thing between us – it had to stop, it had to finally turn into something, because it was taking so much toll on me, and in order for it to turn into something, I had to face it no matter how hard it was and how much I tried to avoid it. I didn’t have the energy anymore, I couldn’t fight him anymore and I couldn’t stand to be around him. “Just … please, please tell me – what do you want from me?”

I closed my eyes trying to block the stinging in them as I felt the tears form. It was so hard, this … this relationship. No, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a constant drama, a stupidity, a …

“I want you, all of you, Helena,” he whispered, his arms coming around me, bringing me to his broad chest. “Please, give me yourself, all … whole you, everything you.” The plea was there, the soft roughness of his voice tingled my ear. A silent cry for help.

This wasn’t the man I used to despise, no. This wasn’t the man I lied to, had a child with and slept countless times with either. This wasn’t the man I bared myself too, oh no. This was so much more, so much deeper, so much scarier.

“Shannon,” I tried, I pleaded, I wanted to get away, to run, to hide, and cry myself into oblivion, to cry so hard, but his hold on me tightened as his breathing warmed my ear, my hair, my form. “Please, don’t do this.”

“Do what Helena? Hold you? Tell you I want you, all of you?” He asked louder. “I need you, Helena, I need you so much! You don’t know what it has been like, you don’t know how long I have been waiting just for this moment, to finally admit to you, to finally say it out loud. Hell, I even said it to Miranda last night – I love you, all of you!”

There it was. The source of my fear, the source of destruction – the “L” word. It alerted me, it unnerved me. No, no, no! “No, Shannon,” I said on the verge of tears. “You can’t.”

“I can, I so can – I love you! I truly and honestly love you!” He looked down at me, his beautiful eyes full of emotion I have seen last night – the one that made me question myself, my actions and to fear wash over my form – love.

“There might have been a time when I would give myself away, all of me,” I admitted as the first tears made their way down my cheeks. “Once upon a time I wouldn’t give a damn, but now … I can’t, I just can’t.” Tear after tear, unstoppable, uncontrollable.

“Hush, just …” Shannon whispered brushing his thumb over my cheeks collecting every single one of my tear. “Please.”

“I can’t love you, Shannon, I will let you down, don’t you see? It’s so plain to see – I’m not capable of love, I’m not capable of being stable … I’m a wreck.”

“No, Helena,” Shannon said sternly, “you’re so beautiful, can’t you see? Baby, you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you!” his voice was bitter and yet so full of love. How could I be so blind, how could I not see what was actually there? How could I be so blind, so stupid … How could he be so stupid to fall in love with someone like me? Oh, I would let him down so many times, countlessly, hell, I have already done it – first with all the drama and then with Theodore.

I tried to get away from him and it came easily – his arms loosed their hold on me and I stood there, in front of the man who claimed his love for me, my gaze casted downwards, filled with shame and pain. I couldn’t.

“Just … don’t give up on me Helena, please,” a plea. A silent cry for help, again, and I couldn’t. I was so sorry.

“I’m so sorry … I am so terribly sorry,” I repeated once again before going in the way I came through last time. He didn’t follow.