The Pursuit of Happiness

I hated spring. I despised it with every fiber in my body. One thing I hated just as much as spring was autumn – the two seasons filled with all the grayness and dullness of the world. It was so surreal how every beautiful thing could turn into mud, coldness and dreadfulness. And as I looked at the view through the window, I could not help but close the curtains and scowl. It rained.

I was such an odd person when it came to mood swings and weather. It seemed as if my emotions were linked to it – when it rained I felt as if it rained inside of me and I was filled with dullness, melancholy and slight traces of angriness. When the sun shone brightly in the sky, I felt as if I was on top of the world and nothing could stand in my way. No matter how illogical my emotions were, I understood perfectly clear that there was a need for grayness and dullness in my life from time to time, I was a human after all. But then again I couldn’t help but wonder – why did it have to rain in Los Angeles? Wasn’t it supposed to be sunny?

It was an uncommon sight, this type of weather in the Culver City, and I felt my mind bringing me back all those years ago to the time I grew up. Back in Europe half of the year was like this – raining in autumn and raining in spring. Six months of dullness and grayness. Then there were also three months of snow and harsh coldness, but I grew to love the sight, in fact I loved winter just as much as summer. There was nothing like the perfect contrast between two of the most powerful seasons. I was a summer child after all – born at the end of July and a proud Leo in my heart. Although I thought that astrology in itself was a one sided belief system that was created by the elders of the world, I still noticed some similar qualities between myself and the people that were born on the same day and under the same sign – the pure passion for life, the undying love and hope in everyone and everything alive, the raw faith and the proudness of being, the undying optimism burning deep inside and shining brightly through the eyes that saw into infinity. Such beauty, such power!

But no matter how proud I was of myself, I was never a selfish person, my mother taught me better than that. I never allowed myself the feeling of superiority over somebody, because my morals always stood for equality – I was no better than others and I deserved just as much as everyone else in proportion to my beliefs and acceptance. What you give is what you get, my mother always told me and now, when I was twenty five, I understood the meaning behind those words oh so clearly.

But despite all the positive thinking that I have taught myself over the years, I could not help but feel the angriness and annoyance wash over my form. I hated rain. And yet, it was good to know that this day was one of so little rainy days in the middle of May. Summer was fast approaching and so was the blooming of my soul, heart and mind. There was something there, something beneath the surface, lurking, approaching. Excitement and fear of unknown, but no matter what I always had to remind myself – the sun always comes after the rain .

* * *

Peppermint tea steamed in my hands leaving a trace of freshness behind, as I carried the seething cup towards the guest room. It was ten in the morning and I tried to make some breakfast for my guest and forget about the ‘oh so happy’ emotions that played in my mind. I had to get myself together; it was just weather after all and there were bigger things than my emotions, which needed attention.

I stopped by the door and tried to listen into any signs of movement, but there were none, so I brought my hand up to the door knocking slightly and waited patiently. “Come in,” a quiet voice spoke and I turned the handle entering the room. The curtains were drawn together, preventing the outer world of entering.

There she was, sitting on the double sized bed with her back against the door, motionless. I came closer to the bed and stopped cautious of entering her personal space. “I brought you some tea,” I said looking down at the cup in my hands. “It’s peppermint and I didn’t know if you like it or not … It actually was the only tea I had.” I shrugged feeling a bit uncomfortable. What if Martha was a coffee person; I didn’t have any. Maybe I should’ve borrowed some from Letos? Constance was a coffee person, I suddenly remembered.

The girl turned her upper body towards me and I took in her appearance. She looked good, actually better than what I expected her to be, but there still were traces of yesterday’s event. Her eyes were a bit swollen from all the crying and the busted lip seemed to be slightly swollen today, but overall she looked good. She looked like she had a good rest and there was relief written on her face.

“Thank you, it will do,” her smooth voice spoke past as I approached, handing her the cup. Martha took it and smiled. I nodded and stood there watching her every move. Martha sipped on her tea sometimes wincing from the hot substance, but never saying anything. She had this small smile gracing her swollen lips every time she gulped down the drink, and it seemed as if she was wandering somewhere far away by the distant look in her eyes. I felt out of place, standing in the middle of the room, looking at her all the time and invading her space, but she didn’t say anything. She just looked at the cup in her hands and drank it from time to time.

I tried to focus on something else rather than the girl that sat on the bed, so I averted my attention onto the sound of the rain hitting against the window sills. It was a beautiful melody, but too bad that I didn’t it enough actually enjoy it. The freshness that embraced the room from the open window was a different story – I found this type of rain almost comforting. There was a huge difference between the rain that poured in the mid of October and the one that poured in the middle of May. While one was the sign of the winter which was fast approaching, the other was the sign of hope and washed off everything in its way – the tears, the past and the names.

“You can sit down, you know,” her voice brought me back to reality and I jumped a little. She looked at me with a twinkle in her brown eyes and chuckled slightly. I approached the bed, sitting down beside the girl. As I looked at her closer I noticed that she indeed looked better and more peaceful than I have ever seen her, not to mention the fact that there was a nasty bruise on her cheek. I was expecting to see her all miserable and crying, but there were no traces of dried tears. She did look kind of sad, but there was something else there, something much more beautiful than the sadness and sorrow.

“How are you?” I asked feeling a bit uncomfortable by my question; it was the silliest thing a person could ask in this case, but I asked anyway.

“I’m good, I feel good,” she said a bit uncertain as if she couldn’t believe it herself. “I feel like this unbelievable weight was lifted off my shoulders. Relief, yes that’s what I feel.” She smiled even more and closed her eyes, sighing contently. I felt her joy and could not help but let out a small breath of relief. It was going to be alright, everything will be just fine.

“Do you remember what I told you that one night, when I came over all crying and whining; the thing about being in love?” She asked and I nodded, “Yes, I remember.”

“Well, now I believe the words I said even more. Now I know that I was never in love with Eric. I was in love with the idea of someone actually taking a liking to me as a person and as a woman.” She sighed.

“Martha, please … You’re so much more th – ”

“Oh come on Helena! That fool was right, I was fat and useless. Don’t tell me that you are blind and cannot see all this extra baggage I have!” She laughed looking down at her body. I could never bring myself to call her fat or useless, there were other words that described her in more decent way.

“Martha, you’re not fat … You’re just …”

“Just what?” She laughed.

“Just … Umm … You just have some excess fat,” I felt my cheeks redden, but Martha just laughed – a loud, sincere, bubbly and somewhat unladylike sound. It was the type of laugh where you couldn’t help but join in. So I laughed with her until I felt my stomach clench. Our laughing stopped and Martha wiped away the tears in her eyes. “Well, that was a good laugh.” She laughed a bit more and I smiled.

“Actually, now that I think of it, I do have a lot of baggage and not just overweight you see. I was never like this, I used to be just as skinny as you, little girl.” She chuckled poking my stomach. “Hey!” I protested.

“Oh come on, you are so tiny!” She exclaimed.

“I’m not tiny and I’m not skinny … I’m just small.” I said looking down at my hands, blushing furiously. Martha laughed looking at me. “You’re an odd one,” she said quietly turning her head to the side. “And yet you are just like all of us … I guess it really doesn’t change the fact where are you from, under the sun we’re all the same.”

“And you have a very beautiful hair,” she said quietly taking a lock. “I wish my hair was just as curly as yours,” she let go of the curl and touched her head, scowling a bit. “And I need a shower.” I smiled, “you are most definitely welcome to use the bathroom.”

Martha nodded, but didn’t say a thing. We sat there in silence once again and I remembered about the breakfast I made, but never brought. “I made you breakfast,” I said. “I hope you like French toast and an omelette, it’s in the kitchen. I’ll bring it up while you shower,” I said quickly standing up from the bed but was stopped as Martha took hold of my hand. “Not yet,” she said smiling politely. “I just want to sit here for a little more if it’s okay with you,” I nodded sitting down in my place, folding my arms in my lap.

“I never said thank you,” Martha began, “for everything that you did for me and for letting me stay in your home when I couldn’t go to mine,” she chuckled. “I hope that he’s gone, I miss my own room.” Martha sighed and brought her gaze back to me. “You know, yesterday was just such a huge turning point. I actually wanted it to happen,” she chuckled and I couldn’t help but feel a bit confused. Martha received a beating of a lifetime yesterday and here she was, admitting that it was just what she needed.

“I had a strange feeling about the relationship that I was in for the past two years. It was good in the beginning, though I knew that Eric was no good for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I thought that I would end up alone and at the time he gave me a sense of love. But now I realize that I was too needy towards him. He’s just a human after all,” She exhaled. “How can I expect someone to love me and give me what I want if I couldn’t do it for myself in the first place?” She looked at me waiting for the answer, but I was too confused to say anything. “I actually despised everything about me and I wanted someone else to teach me how to love myself,” she chuckled. “I got what I deserved. Oh God, thank you!” she laughed as quiet sobs started to shake her form. “Thank you so much,” she lied down and cried.

“Martha,” I approached her shaking form. “Martha, everything is going to be okay,” I said rubbing her shaking back gently. She looked at me through the tears and smiled, “you don’t understand Helena!” she sobbed, “I feel alive! Don’t you see? I passed! I passed the lesson that was given to me!” She sobbed and laughed thanking God once again.

Her awareness and tears of joy brought back the memory of the conversation I had with Constance a while ago. Now I remembered what I thought about the whole situation Martha was in – it was all just a lesson that she had to learn and she passed. I smiled at her shaking form and embraced her in a hug. I was so proud of her – she passed the lesson and in the end Martha understood what Life was trying to show her.

* * *

“I’ll come over in a half an hour,” I said into the phone.

“Alright, dear, I’ll be waiting,” Ruby’s pleasant voice chimed at the other end and I hung up. Earlier that day she invited me for a lunch and I accepted, although there was a slight catch – the black SUV that stood in the Leto’s driveway, but I forced my mind to block out the car and the person that owned it out of my mind. Today was a new day and yesterday was yesterday.

I did feel a bit embarrassed by the way I reacted towards Shannon yesterday, he was just trying to help after all, but still, something unnerved me. I found myself not being able to let the situation slide as easily as I wanted it too, so I tried to cover my uncomfortableness with making up excuses as the way he acted in return – he didn’t have to be so rude. To be completely honest I didn’t even remember what the words that got me so worked up were, I remember only emotions. It wasn’t like I was thinking about him all the time, just occasionally and not about him personally, but rather about the unpleasant emotion that ran through me – remorse. The feeling actually annoyed me, but I tried to deal with it.

“What’s with the scowl?” Martha asked. I looked up at her fresh form. “It’s nothing,” I shrugged not really wanting to talk about it. “If that’s what you say,” she smirked and went over to the fridge taking out a bottle of milk.

“I’m going over to the Letos for a lunch, you want to come?” I asked looking at the girl. “Nah, I’m good,” Martha said placing the bottle back into the fridge. “I think I’ll head over to my place later. It’s time to say bye-bye to past,” she chuckled darkly sipping on her glass of milk. “Need some help?” I asked, but she shook her head. “Nope, go have fun with the Letos. They are nice people, especially the brothers – polite, intelligent and immortal by the looks of it.” She laughed.

“Huh?”

“Oh come on, it’s not like you haven’t noticed the gorgeousness of Leto brothers!” Martha exclaimed. “They are in their forties and they still look like twenty something! If only there were more men like the Letos, I swear, I would gladly throw myself at them!” She laughed.

“They’re forty?” I asked in disbelief. “Wow, they do look good for their age, don’t they?” I said bringing back the images of Jared and Shannon in my mind. “They certainly do,” Martha agreed. The thing was that I did notice the unique appearance of the Leto brothers, but I didn’t let it affect me. They were Constance’s sons and I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with her and Ruby just because of some emotions that I felt towards Jared and Shannon. There were plenty of beautiful people in the world and the brothers were another pair to add to the count. In fact I believed that all people were beautiful in their own special way, it was just the matter of how charismatic a person was and the Leto brothers were most certainly charismatic. But there was also another point of view which reached deeper than the skin – personality. No matter how beautiful a person seemed on the outside, sooner or later the ugliness would come and ruin the surface. Beauty was just skin deep.

“Okay, I’m off!” I said waving to Martha and heading out the door towards the Leto household. The black SUV bore into my vision and I shook my head trying to ignore it. It was just a car for Christ’s sake! I passed the driveway and let out the sigh of relief.

“Grandma’, I’m here!” I called closing the door behind me and froze in my place as I was met by a loud bark and the sound of something running towards the place I stood. The realization hit me and I felt a wave of coldness wash over me as I saw a running mass of black fur. “Oh God,” I exclaimed and my body froze – a dog.

“Artemis, you come back here!” a voice called, but the dog was unaffected. Big, brown eyes stared at me as loud barks echoed throughout the hallway. “What have I told you about barking in the house?” Ruby came and tried to make the beast go away, but it seemed like the dog was not listening. Instead he just sat there, looking at me with those big brown eyes, a pink tongue hanging past the mass of sharp teeth and a wiggly black tail that moved back and forth.

“Next time I’ll tell Shannon to take you with him, God, you are unbelievable. Come on, away you go, leave Helena alone!” Ruby scolded trying to make the dog move, but no such luck. He just sat there looking at me with those warm brown eyes and the wiggly tail. I found myself admiring the beauty of the dog and noticed that he wasn’t so scary after all.

“Oh, isn’t she lovely,” a new voice exclaimed and I raised my eyes towards the newcomer. She was an elder lady and looked just like Ruby. In fact they were like twins and I couldn’t help but look at Ruby and then at the lady, trying to adjust my vision at the sight I was seeing.

“Helena dear, this is my sister, Lidia!” Ruby exclaimed looking back at the other lady. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I nodded trying to move past the dog in front of me and shook my hand with Lidia. “The pleasure is all mine, dear! I have heard so much about you,” Lidia said hugging me tightly. I was surprised by the gesture, but was reminded that Ruby did the same thing first time I met her, so I chuckled and the dog behind me barked. I jumped slightly not quite used to the sound. The black, mass of fur didn’t look so threatening as it seemed before, but one can never be too precautious with an animal, it was a wild creature after all.

“Oh, he’s just saying hello!” Lidia exclaimed, bending down and stroking dog’s head. He seemed to enjoy it, as the big brown eyes closed and he leaned into the touch. “Oh, you’re a good boy, aren’t you?” Lidia cooed. “You were just saying ‘hi’ to the lovely girl here, right? Yes you did, yes you did, you big boy!” the dog barked again.

“Yes well, there are still some rules in this house and they include no barking,” Ruby crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the beast. “Oh come on Ruby, let him have some fun!” Lidia chuckled looking at the black fur leaning into her. “He’s a puppy and he didn’t attack the girl, quite the opposite, right Artemis?” Lidia’s question was met by a loud bark. “See!” She laughed patting Artemis’s head. “Yes well, come, let us eat. The brothers and Tomo will be here soon!” Ruby said ushering me towards kitchen, “come my dear, help the old lady out!”

* * *

Artemis barked loudly at the sound of the front door closing and the loud laughs echoing throughout the house. “Oh, they are finally here!” Lidia exclaimed making her way towards the hallway. “Excellent, they’re just in time for lunch,” Ruby said giving me the large bowl of salads which I carried to the dining room.

Loud laughs were followed by cheers and Artemis’s barking and soon the three men, Lidia and Artemis were standing in the dining room.

“Hey,” Jared approached me with an adorable smile gracing his lips, as he looked at the table behind. “I didn’t know that you were coming over, although that’s not a surprise. It looks like my grandmother is quite attached to you,” he laughed stealing a piece of bread from the plate. “No filching Jared!” Ruby exclaimed hitting his palm and the stolen piece fell on the floor. I tried to pick it up, but Artemis was faster.

“Damn it, what have I told you about feeding him bread!? I’ll make Artemis sleep in your room tonight with all the gasses!” a familiar, amusing voice rang through the room and I tried to ignore the uncomfortableness that washed over my form.

“Hey, it was not my fault!” Jared exclaimed laughing slightly. I stood up and straightened out my blouse. “Oh hey,” Shannon looked at me, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Now that I noticed it, he did look quite handsome – a black V-neck shirt brought out only the best out of his muscular form and I could not help but remember the conversation me and Martha had earlier. I looked over at Jared and saw him talking to a man – he was a funny looking guy and the first association that came to my mind was dark-haired Jesus. There was a mass of dark hair covering his face and head – he had a long, slightly curly hair that reached down his shoulders and a beard with mustache. He was laughing uncontrollably and I felt the corners of my lips turn up slightly.

* * *

The lunch went very well. I learned that the black haired Jesus-guy was Tomo and he was an old friend of the brothers aside from being the member of their band. I also learned that Tomo was a man with a lot of stories and loved to laugh. In fact his laughing was so hilarious on its own that I often found myself laughing at the sounds he made rather than the joke or the tale itself.

I also learned that Artemis, Shannon’s dog by the way, took a huge liking to me, which didn’t please his master at all. Artemis sat beside me throughout the lunch and didn’t listen to any command that Shannon made, which seemed to be a hilarious sight to everyone except the two of us. I felt uncomfortable because Artemis disobeyed and Shannon, well, he looked like he was sitting on the needles throughout the lunch, although he never said a thing. It didn’t help the fact that he was sitting right across and I could see all the tension that was running through his body. The last straw probably was Jared’s joke about Artemis choosing sides – it looks like the dog knows where the real treasure lies, which was followed by the booming laughs and Shannon’s glare towards his brother, but never ever did he look at me. Was my presence that offending?

At one point I was ready to stop Shannon and apologize for my behavior towards him yesterday, but Artemis’s paw stopped me. It was like the dog could read my mind and was against me saying anything. I couldn’t help but feel slightly astonished by the dog’s gesture and decided to keep my mouth closed. It was between the two of us after all and maybe it was not the time to say anything. Maybe there never will be, it wasn’t such a big deal after all.

“Need some help?” a soft voice distracted me as I washed the dirty dishes. I turned around and saw Jared leaning against the doorway. “Oh, if you want to, I’m almost done,” I said averting my attention back at the task before me. Jared came over, took the towel that was hanging by the sink and started to wipe the remaining dishes dry.

“Did you enjoy the lunch with the Letos?” He asked placing the dish into the cupboard and I nodded. “Yes, it was fun. Tomo is hilarious,” I chuckled remembering some of the jokes that Tomo made earlier.

“Yeah,” Jared agreed.

“If you don’t mind me asking, where is Constance? Ruby said something about her meeting an old friend,” I asked Jared. It was quite unusual to be over at the Leto household without Constance around. “Ah yes, mother mentioned that she was meeting Aunt Lily today; charming woman, if I must say,” he laughed and I could not help but wonder. Jared laughed at the face I made and explained, “Aunt Lily is the most unique person you will ever meet. She is this typical obnoxiously loud-laughing woman with big breasts and a lot of mass on her bones. She talks really loudly and is kind of funny to watch, and I do like her. She’s very noticeable and genuine, the quality I enjoy the most in people,” he said looking with a twinkle in his deep blue eyes. I nodded and felt a comfortable silence envelope us. There were voices and laughs coming from the other room, but here in kitchen it was only the two of us wiping the dishes dry.

“How’s Martha?” Jared suddenly asked and I looked up at him, “huh?”

“Shannon told me,” Jared explained, placing another dish into the cupboard.

“Oh well, she’s actually pretty good, much better than I expected her to be,” I said remembering this morning.

“That’s good to hear, it was about time for her to see what kind of bastard she was with.” Jared said frowning slightly and I could not help but agree – indeed, it was about time.

“She’s staying with me, although she did mention going back to her place later. Said something about getting rid of the past,” I chuckled remembering the glint in Martha’s eyes.

“Oh, I would love to see her in action,” Jared laughed and I joined in as we finished with the dishes.

“Thank you for your help,” I said turning to Jared’s form. He smirked and nodded, “it was my pleasure.”

Looking at Jared, I caught myself thinking how gorgeous the youngest Leto brother was and just when the thought registered in my brain, I wanted to mentally slap myself. These were not the kind of thoughts I was supposed to have. The blood rushed to my cheeks and I averted my gaze from his piercing blue.

I felt something brush at my legs and jumped slightly – Artemis was sitting beside me, watching me curiously with those beautiful brown eyes. “Well big boy, what is it that you want?” I bent down patting his head as he shook his furry black tail.

“He really likes you,” Jared observed. “He’s never like this, only to the family so be proud – you’re a part of the Letos now,” and just as the words left Jared’s mouth, something inside of me stirred. It was the same feeling that I had when I saw my picture hanging in the hallway beside all the family and friends – a feeling of acceptance.

“Oh there you are,” Ruby came into the kitchen and patted Jared’s cheek. “Isn’t he a handsome guy?” She asked and I nodded. “He’s indeed very handsome,” I admitted laughing. “Especially the hair,” I laughed some more at which Ruby scowled. “Well, your real hair color is something much better than that electric blue you had a few months ago.” Jared and I laughed while Ruby just scolded, “it’s true! Never ever pull that stunt again, Jared dear.”

“Have you seen Arte – ” Shannon’s voice rang through the kitchen. He stopped in the middle of the room looking at the sight before him – my hand petting the dog’s soft, black fur and Artemis absolutely loving it. Shannon quickly looked up to my face and averted his gaze down at the dog, “Come on buddy, let’s go for a walk.” But Artemis didn’t move; he continued to sit there looking at me and ignoring Shannon’s presence completely. I stood up uncomfortably and turned to Ruby feeling that this was my time to go, “lunch was delicious as always, thank you grandma’.”

“Oh, you’re leaving? So soon?” Ruby asked clearly disappointed and I nodded kissing her cheek. “Yes, I have some things to do, but thank you.”

“Oh, you’re most certainly welcome my dear,” she said and I looked at Jared, “thank you for your help,” he nodded.

“It was nothing, kid.” Kid?

I turned around to leave the room but was met by Shannon, who was looking at the dog beside me – Artemis had stood up as well and was following my every step. I walked past Shannon not bothering to say goodbye, seeing that he was also preparing to go out. To be completely honest I didn’t want to talk to him either.

I quickly said my goodbyes to Lidia and Tomo hugging each of them and receiving some sloppy kisses from the elder lady. She didn’t let go of me unless I swore to meet her again, which I happily did – the lady was amazing. As for Tomo, he said that he would see me more often now, seeing that I was a good addition to the family. He also made another joke about Artemis and me, at which he earned himself a slap on the head from Shannon.

“Artemis, where do you think you are going?” Shannon’s voice rang in the hallway as I tried to close the front door behind me, but Artemis was faster. “Hold it buddy,” I whispered taking Artemis by the collar, “I’m going home so don’t make him mad, alright?” I asked looking in the big brown eyes; he was such a beautiful animal. “I’ll see you later,” I said quietly and looked up at Shannon who opened the door and was putting his black leather jacket on. “Come here,” he said to Artemis and I let go of the dog. “Thanks,” was all that Shannon said as he put a leash on Artemis and walked away not even bothering to look at me.

I just stood there watching Shannon’s and Artemis’s retreating forms and could not help but feel a bit confused.

What did I do?