The Pursuit of Happiness

June passed by rather fast, almost too fast for my liking; but I guess that was the way of Life and there was nothing I could do about it. June was also very eventful and productive as I looked back at it – I have met yet another bunch of new people, the most remarkable of them being Tomo’s fiancée Vicki Bosanko.

She was a unique person and a remarkable woman and she complimented Tomo in every possible way. In all honesty I couldn’t imagine anyone else who would be more suitable for Tomo – they were a match made in Heaven. The way they talked to each other, all of the mimics, gestures, even their laughing was synchronized. And there was this look in their eyes when they gazed upon each other – like the whole world had disappeared around them, and there were only the two of them, perfectly happy and absolutely content.

At first I felt jealous of them and the beautiful relationship they had, because every time I saw them, it made me realize how lonely I really was and how desperately I wanted the same thing that they had – a healthy relationship, which lasted for nine years and still blossomed with love, appreciation and respect towards each other.

Vicki was very polite, but rather distant, although I didn’t let it bother me much. It was not like I wanted to have as many friends as I could – just being acquaintances was rather fine with me, but Tomo had none of it. He did try to make us become closer, but sadly something just didn’t click. Yes, I did respect her and even admired her, but I couldn’t really find this link between us, so that we would become something more, like Tomo wanted for us to become – friends.

The jealousy wore off after a while and I found myself admiring the relationship Vicki and Tomo had even more. After all, Tomo deserved all the best, because he wished everyone the same genuine emotions. He was the type of person who would always say what was on his mind in the most positive and funniest way, and I grew to love that about him. He was also the first one of all of them to accept me.

The other person I managed to find the link with was Jared, though it did take a while. Jared was a very intelligent person. As I have noticed the first time I met him, he put a lot of meaning behind every sentence and he always chose his words carefully. He was also a celebrity in Los Angeles, but the fact that he was one had no effect on me – I didn’t care whether they all were celebrities or not and what they did for living; at the end of the day they were still just regular people. The difference between them and me was that these men lived their dreams and presented them to the world, while I choose to find out what my dreams were first. What was my pursuit in this world?

Jared was also a very interesting person to talk with, he had a strong and justified opinion on every topic, and he was the most attractive thirty nine year old man I ever had a chance to meet. But no matter how attractive I found him, he never stirred any romantic feelings in me – it was just that, a simple yet genuine friendship.

Shannon was a different story. No matter how much I tried to be polite and civil towards him, it seemed like everything was going downhill. I could feel how everything about me irritated him – my presence, my laughing, even the sound of my voice. There was this tension between us that I had no explanation of. He was like a ticking time bomb ready to explode whenever I was around. It didn’t get unnoticed – Jared and Tomo joked about how someone needed to release all the tension, but something told me it was not the case.

To come and think of it, the whole situation made me almost want to pull my hair out – what was his problem? How can a person despise me so much? What did I do so wrong that the person doesn’t even talk to me, and yet, when he is forced to say something it all comes out as a snarl and mock. He was the first person who disliked me so much and it was starting to get on my nerves.

Of course at first I let it all slide, thinking that it was because I didn’t control my emotions and talked to him in not such a friendly way, but later on it started to get out of control – the way he snickered when I failed at something – been clumsy here and there, needed help with something and he just walked past and sometimes acted as if I didn’t exist, like I was not in the same room he was. At one point he even tried to make Artemis stay away from me. That made my emotions turn from anger to sadness. I tried to never let people words of actions get to me, but with Shannon it was unbearable – every time he did something or snickered at me, the tension turned into tears and I had to hold myself together and not cry in front of him; I’m sure he would find a way to mock me about it later on. Hold it in, Helena, you’re stronger than this.

It was so not fair and I couldn’t even confront him about it. There was always someone around and I didn’t want to make a scene. But the longer I postponed it, the more he said or did something, the more it felt like I was closer and closer to exploding. I could feel my patience running dry and I desperately hoped that it wouldn’t turn out ugly. He was Constance’s son after all.

The buzzing on the kitchen counter brought me back to reality. Jared.

“Yup?” I balanced the phone between the side of my face and the shoulder, and trying to mix pastry at the same time. Multitasking at its best.

“Hey, should I call later?” His deep, calm voice flowed through the phone.

“Nope, it’s okay. I’m just making some cupcakes,” I chuckled.

“Oh, yum,” he chuckled, “listen, are you doing anything later in the afternoon?”

“Hmm, no, I have no plans. Why do you ask?” I asked pouring the pastry into cupcake forms.

“Well, how about lunch?” Jared asked chuckling slightly.

“You mean like out, in town?” I asked my curiosity rising.

“Yes, let’s go out. But it is not a date, you know, just friends having a friendly lunch together. What do you say about that?”

“Sounds interesting, won’t I get you in trouble? I mean, you’re a star after all,” I laughed placing the bowl into the sink.

“I don’t care as long as we’re not doing anything that would get me in trouble,” he chuckled and I found myself liking the sound. It was adorable.

“If you say so. Okay, let’s have a friendly lunch.” And so we agreed upon meeting in a small café in the City around four o’clock.

I put the cupcake forms into the oven and looked at the clock – it was two past midday so I had to wait a half an hour for the cupcakes and a trip to the city by bus would take twenty minutes, so that meant that I had about an hour or so to get myself presentable.

* * *

“So, what is with the war between you and my brother?” Jared asked eating his César salads. I looked up from my plate with a macaroni hanging from my mouth. Jared looked at me through his dark sunglasses that were covering his eyes. His face freshly shaved and his dark brown hair was styled in a messy updo. He wore a simple white V-neck, which clung to his form and complimented his body very nicely.

I looked down at my plate and mumbled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on! Do you think I’m blind or something? I know my brother pretty well and I have managed to learn to read you pretty well too,” he said taking a sip of his water, “there’s something wrong between the two of you.”

“Well, if you know him so well then maybe you could tell me what is going on. He’s the one acting as if he can’t stand the sight of me,” I huffed placing another fork wrapped in pasta into my mouth.

“I haven’t talked to him about it,” Jared sighed taking another bite of his salad, “it was just my personal observation and now you have confirmed my suspicion – there is something wrong.”

I tried to think of something to say, but my mind was blank. I couldn’t even look Jared in the eyes because of all the embarrassment.

“Don’t look back,” Jared suddenly said and hung his head lower. I looked him over as he put his black hood on and adjusted his sunglasses.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Paparazzi,” he just grumbled finishing up his salads.

“Uhh, is that bad?” I asked not really knowing what to do.

“It will be if you won’t finish your pasta in the next two minutes before the guy has a chance to shove his camera in your face,” Jared mumbled taking out a twenty dollar bill, placing it on the table. I set down my fork and got up with Jared, reaching for my own wallet, but was stopped when Jared grabbed my arm, “my treat, besides no time.” He let go waiting for me to gather my stuff and we walked away from the cafe

We walked with a small distance between us so that paparazzi didn’t make any suspicious pictures which would harm Jared’s image. I wouldn’t like that, but I guess Jared was rather used to this. He acted all casual as if camera wasn’t following his every move. “Relax, he’ll get tired of following us,” Jared smirked shoving his hands in the pockets of his black jeans.

* * *

“Thank you,” I said unfastening my seat-belt. Jared insisted upon driving me home, saying that he was thinking about visiting his mother and grandmother, and since I lived across the street it was a no problem after all.

“No, thank you for the lunch and everything, it was interesting,” we both chuckled and I opened the door getting out of his vehicle.

“Listen,” Jared said getting out of as well. “We’re having a party tonight and maybe you would like to come?”

“Oh, will that be okay if I did?” I asked feeling a bit surprised. Today was a rather interesting day – first Jared asked me out on the lunch, as friends, of course, and now he was asking me to come to the party he was having later on. “I wouldn’t be asking if I had a problem with you being there. I happen to enjoy your company so why not invite you to one of not so many Leto events? You’ll get to see the Leto residence,” Jared smirked taking his sunglasses off.

“I’ll think about it.”

“You know my number if you decide to come,” Jared took me by my arm and pulled flush against his body. He was a head taller than me, and I fit perfectly into his form. I was surprised at first, but then relaxed against his lean body and wrapped my arms around him, hugging back. He kissed the top of my head, rubbed my back and then let me go. “Do come, if it’s not too uncomfortable; I’ll promise that Shannon won’t bother you.”

“It’s okay,” I sighed smiling at Jared, looking in his bright blue eyes. “He will not be the cause of my absence.”

We said our goodbyes and I went inside the comfort of my house.

* * *

“Do you really think I should go; I’d rather stay home,” I whined in the phone. “You could come over and we would order some pizza, please?”

“Fat chance, missy, I’m painting my kitchen walls and you need to go to the party, who cares if Shannon hates you,” Martha laughed into the phone.

“Thanks,” I huffed, “you really made me feel better.”

“Oh come on, it’s all in your head. He doesn’t hate you,” Martha sighed, “It’s called selective interpretation – you see, feel and hear what you want to see, feel and hear, think about it. Well, for example, you think about pregnancy and suddenly it’s everywhere! All the girls passing by are pregnant; there are baby and pregnancy stuff everywhere.”

“Why do you talk about pregnancy, are you preg – ”

“God damn it no, it’s an example!” Martha whined.

“Oh,” I chuckled.

“Yes, well, you see, in your case you think that Shannon hates you, but what if he doesn’t and it’s all in your head? Think about it.”

Could it really be just my imagination? Have I really imagined it all, the constant irritation and tension coming from Shannon? Have I also imagined the talk with Jared? He asked me about the war between us, I didn’t imagine that, did I?

“But Jared asked me about it too,” I sighed moving to the closet.

“Well, Jared is just. Hmm, I have no logical explanation to that. Okay, I give up, yes, Shannon hates you.” My eyes widened and I moaned into the phone while Martha laughed. “In all honesty, Helena, why do you care? He’s just a guy.”

“I don’t know! I do not know why I care,” I whined. Yes, why did I care so much?

“We’re bound to see each other – his family likes me, his friends like me, so it would be, you know, nice for us to just get along.”

“Well maybe there’s no getting along, maybe you just have to let it be just the way it is.”

“But,” yes. Why didn’t I want to let it just be? Why did I have to make this thing work if it wasn’t going to in every possible way? Maybe we were just too different and there was nothing in common. It was a possibility, and a rather large one.

* * *

The party was interesting, to say the least. It was more of like getting together, meeting old friends and drink expensive drinks or just a glass of juice in Jared’s case.

“You made it,” he exclaimed smirking slightly while I just shrugged and hugged him, “yes well, Martha was too busy painting her kitchen walls than have a pizza mini-party at my place.”

“That’s too bad. Maybe we should do it some time, ey?” Jared chuckled letting go of me. God, he smelled so good, the cologne was amazing – musky with a hint of exotic – manly yet passionate at the same time. Jared looked pretty handsome as well – he had a simple shirt on, which he paired up with a black vest and black jeans covered his long, skinny legs. There was also a black fedora on his head, falling a bit to the side and his hair underneath were styled in a messy way. “We definitely should,” I agreed.

“So, what will you have, my dear?” Jared asked as we approached bar. “The Leto’s have everything for everyone.” He looked at the bartender catching the man’s attention immediately.

“The lady would like,” Jared looked at me, “oh, um, well, I don’t know,” I answered uncomfortably. I wasn’t looking forward to drinking tonight. I planned on sticking to the glass of juice like Jared himself and not get drunk, and in result, embarrass myself.

“Cosmopolitan for the beautiful lady, Ben,” Jared said smirking at me. The bartender nodded.

“I wasn’t planning on drinking, Jared,” I said in all honesty trying to put a meaning behind my words. I wasn’t ready to tell him why I wasn’t so fond of alcohol yet – the less people knew, the smaller the problem was.

“Just one drink, please?” Jared must have felt my uneasiness and tried to offer some sort of comfort. I nodded and Jared hugged me, placing a small kiss on my forehead.

“Are you allowed to do that?” I asked feeling slightly uncomfortable. What if I got him in trouble? There were a lot of people here.

“Relax, this is my house and I’m allowed to do the hell I please. Besides, I consider you a friend of mine and all I do is in a strictly friendly way,” Jared pinched my blushing cheeks.

“Ahh, and I thought you were missing out on this,” a familiar voice joined us. I looked to my side and noticed Tomo in all his bright and hairy glory. “Tomo,” I smiled looking at the familiar, friendly face. “How are you?”

“Good, good, you? Nice party, ey,” Tomo chuckled sipping his dark drink. “So many familiar faces I haven’t seen I a while. Oh, by the way, I think Shannon is quite the party animal tonight, Jared.” Tomo chuckled.

“What did he do now?” Jared sighed trying to look past Tomo. Out of pure curiosity I tried to look past Tomo too, but without any luck – he was simply too big.

“Shannon will need a room quite soon,” a new voice emerged behind Tomo. “Hello Helena,” Vicki greeted, looking at me with a small smile playing on her lips. I nodded my head, sipping on the drink – a long glass filled with a beautiful red liquid, “it’s nice to see you.” I said gulping down the drink.

“Good God,” Jared exclaimed leaving the three of us. Tomo laughed while Vicki rolled her eyes.

“Shannon is always trying to show off his girlfriend in public and not in the most appropriate way,” Tomo snickered taking a sip from his drink.

Girlfriend? I chocked on my drink when the word registered in my head.

“You okay?” Vicki asked placing her arm on my back.

“Yea – … yes, yes I am. The drink is too strong, I guess.” I said avoiding the eye contact. Pathetic excuse, I know.

He had a girlfriend. That was unexpected, that was totally unexpected. It wasn’t like I liked him or was attracted, or anything. I was just a bit surprised. Yes, that was exactly it.

Suddenly the drink I was holding was tasting funny and I excused myself saying I need to use the ladies’ room. Once I was inside, I closed the door tightly and sat down on the lid of the toilet seat.

He had a girlfriend.

Why was that such a surprise to me? It was obviously that a guy like him would have a significant other in his life. Then why did I feel so, so … Yes, how did I feel? Shocked above all, shocked.

I looked up and saw a mirror hanging over the sink, so I rose up and looked at the image that stared back at me in the reflection. I was beautiful, with my dark hair gathered in a messy updo, my makeup a bit heavier with black eyeliner, dark eye shadows and red lips covering my plump mouth. My dress was slightly ruffled but still beautiful and elegant – a simple black sleeveless dress that reached my knees and beautiful red high-heel shoes with little bows on the tips. My favorite perfume of exotic fruits was sprayed over my form completing the image and a confident smile on my lips that was now turned into a frown.

I looked good then why were my green eyes so dull and so red as if I haven’t had a peaceful sleep in ages? Why was my usual, somewhat happy face so serious and dull of all the sudden? In all honesty I looked so tired.

“It’s time to go home,” I said to myself. It was definitely time to call it a night. I did my fare share of socializing and I came, just as I promised. I unlocked the door and just as I was about to turn the handle, a solid form bumped into me.

“Oh,” I took in a sharp breath caught by surprise. “Shit, I’m sorry!” Strong hands grabbed my arms and steadied me, before I had a chance to fall on my butt. I looked up and there he was in all his glory – a man who has been bothering me for the last month. He was the reason I felt like such a wreck, like I have done something incredibly unacceptable and now he hated the sight of me. Shannon Leto.

I withdrew my hands from his grasp and looked him dead in the eye, “do not touch me.” I said through gritted teeth and tried to get past.

“What is your problem?” His deep voice rang in my ears as Shannon’s tall, broad form blocked my path, his arms crossed over his chest. What was my problem?

“My problem?” I exclaimed. “Seriously?”

“Yes your problem,” he said his form taking a defensive mode. He was a head taller than me and broader and I couldn’t get past him if I tried, so I felt trapped.

“No, what is your problem?” I asked crossing my arms over my chest in return. If I wasn’t going to get out then I will protect myself. Face the enemy, do not let him see that you are weak.

“What are you talking about?” He looked at me with surprise written all over his face. “Are you on your periods or something? God, you’re acting like a bitch all the time. I can’t even imagine how everyone can stand the sight of you,” Shannon exclaimed looking at me with disgust.

Did he really say that or were my ears playing trick on my mind? I was too stunned to speak. Never ever would I imagine Shannon Leto say something like that. I felt a small bubble of rage forming in my chest. “How dare you!?” I snapped looking at him through anger filled eyes. “You’re a douche who has been acting like a total - ” I breathed in heavily not really knowing what to say. I was beyond angry to even think straight, I just wanted to slap that –

A loud echo echoed through the room and I breathed heavily in relief. There!

Shannon’s head was tilted to the side with a red burning palm mark covering his cheek. Suddenly everything stopped, even the tension was gone and so was my rage. The blow did me justice, I was satisfied with the mark covering his cheek and I felt my palm burning. That hurt, but not as much as his words.

Shannon looked at me his eyes burning with rage and his lips set in a tight line. Before I had a chance to react, Shannon grabbed me by my upper arms and slammed me into the wall, my head hitting it in the process. Darkness swirled before my eyes and a loud ringing echoed in my ears, “do not ever do that again, you hear me?” He snarled into my ear while I tried to fight off the dizziness. My vision turned to normal after a few seconds and all I could see was Shannon’s face leaning over me. He had light stubble covering his jaw and a small moustache over his upper lip. His hazel eyes were dark and full of anger as he breathed heavily.

“Maybe next time you’ll learn how to control that shit that comes out of your mouth,” I said smirking slightly. At the moment Shannon pulled me from the wall rougher and opened his mouth to say something before a voice interrupted him. “What the hell is going on in here?” Vicki exclaimed coming into the bathroom. She took in our appearance and her eyes stayed on Shannon’s face for a while before commanding him, “let Helena go.” Shannon looked at her than back at me and let go of my upper arms.

“This isn’t over,” Shannon said before leaving the room. I didn’t even dare to look at him or his retreating form; I just sat heavily on the toilet lid with my head hanging low. I wanted so desperately to patch things up, whatever it was that needed to be patched, but in the end everything became so much worse.

“Are you alright?” Vicki’s calm voice filled the room and I looked up at her, nodding slightly, still feeling buzz in the back of my head. “Yeah, I was just heading home.” I said getting up.

“Do you need a ride? I can drive you.” She offered and I just shook my head, “there’s no need, I’ll just take a cab.”

I got up and walked past Vicki into the hallway. The party was going on smoothly, luckily nobody noticed anything, but the loud music was just too much for my throbbing head. I needed to get out, to get some fresh air in my lungs. “Are you sure? It won’t be a problem, you know,” Vicki followed me while I tried to find Jared in the crowd. I spotted him talking to a group of people at the far end of the room. I thought about going over and saying goodbye, but stopped in my tracks. There was Shannon with his hand gripping a drink and a girl leaning into him. Once he noticed me looking at him, he hugged the girl tighter and kissed her on the lips, his dark eyes never leaving mine. I set my lips in a thin line and raised my eyebrow. Seriously?

“I’ll tell Tomo that I’m going to drive you home,” Vicki’s voice brought me back to reality and I shook my head once again, breaking eye contact with Shannon. “There’s no need for that, Vicki.” I said smiling at the girl. “I will get home just fine. You stay here and enjoy the party with your soon-to-be husband. Congratulations once again and good night,” I said hugging the girl and heading out through the front door, leaving the events of the night behind.

I’ll have to call Jared in the morning and apologize for not saying goodbye. I also had to make plan just in case Shannon wanted to be rough once again.

If this was a war, I intended to win it.