The Pursuit of Happiness

Last time I greeted sunrise was about a month ago. This whole time I had a healthy appetite for sleep, but now I simply laid in the comfort of my bed, staring out the window without any sign of sleep coming over me anytime soon.

I sighed, trying to block out the pain in my lower abdomen – periods. Those five significant days each month made me realize how much I loved and hated my body. Yes, it was unbearable at the beginning, the whole concept of bleeding and not being able to function normally, but over the time I embraced my body and its natural cycle. After all, it wasn’t something I was able to avoid – I was a woman after all and all women had those special days. I also noticed how delicate and sensitive my body became – the way the sides of my breasts hurt and how they seemed to be a bit larger; the way my lower abdomen hurt a bit and how I felt every single movement in my womanly parts; the way my mood changed and how I noticed some things around me I have never took interest before and how my appetite increased. Those were special days that symbolized the health and fertility of my body.

As I lay there, I couldn’t remember the last time I was so irritated and annoyed over the beginning of these oh-so-special days. The pain in my lower abdomen was unbearable and I was afraid of standing up, the last time I tried to I almost lost consciousness, so I decided to take some pills and wait for them to do their magic. The sides of my breasts also hurt too much for my liking and I felt dirty – both physically and mentally. And I felt tired. Life was getting to me and I felt so weak, like all my energy was drained. And I knew the person who was partly guilty for it. Shannon Leto.

His behavior yesterday made me so angry and so frustrated. He was the first person who got under my skin so fast and in such unpleasant way. Never ever have I been so humiliated before. When the insults came out of his mouth, I just stood there with my mind blank and unable to say anything in return. I was so paralyzed by his being alone; it was hard for me to function with him around.

And then there was that kiss, which he so openly demonstrated. What was that all about? That primal look in his dark hazel eyes and the way he gripped the drink and the poor victim. The sight was too much for me to bear; it was like he wanted to prove something, but what was there to prove? Yesterday it seemed ridiculous, but as I played the sight in my mind I couldn’t help but wonder – was there a message beneath it all? And if so, what was it?

Phone on my nightstand buzzed and tried to avoid any kind of sudden movements – my abdomen hurt too much for me to function properly.

Finally I reached for my cell and looked at the incoming call – Jared. Oh.

“Yes?”

“Helena, hei!” He exclaimed. “Where did you go last night?”

“Home. I wasn’t feeling too well.”

“Does your departure have something to do with Shannon?” Jared asked in a serious tone. I took a deep breath, “no.” A lie.

Jared sighed and there was silence on the other end for a while. “Listen, I talked to Vicki yesterday, she said that she walked in on the both of you.”

Of course Vicki would say something, why wouldn’t she? “What happened between me and Shannon had nothing to do with me leaving earlier than I intended to. I wasn’t keen on going in the first place,” I said trying to avoid the subject as much as possible. I intended to keep this war between me and Shannon only. There was no need to drag my newly acquired friends into this mess – it was between me and him only.

“Listen,” Jared sighed, “I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I don’t like what I heard and would appreciate it if you and Shannon would get along. Although your relationship is none of my business, it concerns all of us.”

“It doesn’t concern all of you,” I said getting a bit angry. “It’s none of your business! And besides, there’s nothing going on. It was all a misunderstanding. Everything’s fine now.”

I was getting angry – too many people knew that there was going something on between the two of us. Luckily they didn’t know that it was a war – a cold war.

Jared sighed and there was a silence for a few seconds before he spoke up again, “listen, all I want is for you to be happy and for my brother to stop being this moody pain in the ass. He has these phases but this one is the longest one and it annoys the hell out of me. What amazes me the most is that out of every person he could annoy, somehow he chose you.”

I tried to not roll my eyes and snort in return. Out of every person he chose me to be the one he let his temper flare on, so mature. Of course, people had good days and bad days, but I never understood how a person could let others suffer, just because he or she had a bad day.

Maybe I couldn’t understand the fact, because I dealt with my bad days in a different way – I isolated myself from the people around me when my world came crushing down. It was something I had to and wanted to deal with by myself without any help. Besides, I knew myself best and I knew what was good for me.

Maybe what Jared said about his brother being a good guy was true, but he certainly didn’t show any good qualities in my presence. The first time I met Shannon on Mother’s day he struck me as an intelligent man with a broad point of view. He was also rather handsome, as all the Leto family was and I couldn’t bring myself to deny it – I did feel attracted to him, but his attitude was what pushed me away, and the fact that he was Constance’s son and Ruby’s grandson didn’t help any better. These two women accepted me into their homes, lives and hearts and I couldn’t bear if I had to lose them because of some fling. Besides, these emotions were so small and insignificant. Or so I thought.

“Are you still there?” Jared’s voice brought me back to reality.

“Yeah,” I sighed trying to get up from the bed. I felt the numbness from the medicine taking over.

“Would you like me to come over? I’m already on my way to mom’s,” Jared asked as I noticed the driving sound in his background.

“Sure, why not,” I chuckled. It was always nice to have some company.

* * *

“The hell are you doing here?” Were the first words that came out of my mouth as I looked at the person I expected the least to see. Actually, I never expected to see her.

“Vai tad tā Tu sagaidi savu gadiem neredzēto māsu?” (Is that how you greet your long-lost sister?)

There she stood in all her glory, with a playful smirk gracing her plump, red lips and her bright green eyes dancing over my form. I couldn’t help but wonder – was my mind playing tricks on me or was she real.

“Nu, vai aicināsi mani iekšā vai arī turpināsi skatīties uz mani tā, it kā es būtu spoks,” (well, are you going to invite me in or are you just going to stand there and look at me as if I was a ghost) she chuckled a bit taking a hold of her suitcase. The only thing I could do was move aside and let my sister in. I still wasn’t able to find my voice; her being here was something unnatural. How did she find me?

I closed the door and followed Alona inside, looking at her as she sat on the loveseat in my living room. She crossed her tall, lean legs over each other and looked at me with amusement written all over her face. “Pārsteigums?” (Surprise?)

I couldn’t believe her – she was the last person I wanted to see and yet, here she was acting as if everything was okay. I felt the annoyance wash over my form as I realized the seriousness of the situation. There was this cold war going on between me and Shannon, which already took all my strength both physically and mentally and now here was Alona – the long lost sister who was just as unpleasant to me as everything else I have been going through lately. Her returning in my Life was another drop in my patience cup, which was running empty pretty fast.

Alona smirked at the disbelief written all over my face and I tried with all that I had in me not to explode. “What are you doing here?” I asked in a strict tone crossing my arms on my chest.

“Talking in English now,” she said with a heavy Northern accent. “I see. Well then English it is,” Alona chuckled brushing off an invisible dust from her skirt.

“I’m here because I have no place to go, if that’s what you want to hear,” she admitted looking me dead in the eye. “And I’m broke. The plane ticket to LA and the few dollars I paid for the cab ride was the last amount of money I had.”

“You spent all of the money parents left you?!” I looked at her not believing what I just heard.

She didn’t look surprised or guilty at all. Instead she just shrugged and replied casually, “I have been travelling and you know how expensive that is.” She said looking at her nails. I couldn’t believe her.

Parents did leave me a larger amount of money as they passed away, because they knew that Alona would spend it all in no time. And still I haven’t even spent the half of the sum. The bachelor’s degree in finances helped me in surviving and making wise decisions regarding my funds – I learned how to make my income grow faster than spending it all like there was no tomorrow.

I used to be just like my sister – throwing money back and forth without thinking much about it. Money was never a problem to me and my family, but now when I lived by myself, I have learned how important it is to save up, invest in positive stocks and shares, and be financially literate. I never knew where I would be tomorrow, so I was always prepared.

Alona was expecting for me to answer with something that would make her feel better; the expectation shined in her eyes, but I was not giving in so easily. There would be no lesson in this situation if I would just say “yes, dear sister of mine, please do take the money I have and feel free to spend it just as stupidly as you did with your own”. As much as I wanted to help her, I had to get myself together and not give into my emotions. Yes I felt bad for her, she was my sister after all, a sister in need, but I wanted to help her in other ways. I wanted to help her gain money in the same way I did – to invest, to save up and to spend it wisely. It was too easy and too dumb for me to just give her the money – she would spend it in the same way she spent her share of the inheritance.

“Alright, I will help you,” I said looking at her after a while. “You are welcomed to stay under my roof, but that is it.” Her composure fell a bit, but she quickly masked her disappointment with a small smirk. “You will have to find a decent job and support yourself. I will not give you money if that is why you came here,” I continued. “I will help you with advises on how to save it up, but that is just about it.” I finished and looked at her.

There were traces of disbelief in her eyes, but overall she did a good job at hiding her emotions. Something she always did pretty well.

The situation was unpleasant to say the least, I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, but she had to learn her lesson and I did offer my help as much as I could.

“Alright,” she said, standing up from her seat. “Thank you for your help,” Alona said straightening out her skirt and crossing her arms over her chest. “And I will try to bother you as little as I can.” She finished with a small smile gracing her lips.

I sighed and closed my eyes. What a day …

The doorbell rang and I jumped slightly in my place. I looked at the front door wondering who was behind it. Was there someone else trying to waltz in my life unexpectedly? I sighed and made my way to the hallway, opening the door.

“Hey,” Jared stood there with his arms in the pockets of his blue leather jacket and a smirk playing on his lips.

“Oh, damn, I completely forgot that you’re coming over,” I sighed brushing my hand through the locks on my head.

“Am I interrupting something?” Jared took his sunglasses off and tried to look past me inside the house. Somehow I didn’t want him to see my sister just yet, so I moved in front of him and tried to let him understand that this was not the right time. “No, it’s just that I’m busy right now,” I said feeling a bit guilty about not being completely honest with Jared.

“Helena, can I borrow – ,” I heard my sister’s voice behind me as she got closer. “Oh, hello there,” she said emphasizing her northern accent. I closed my eyes and sighed irritated. Great. I looked at my sister who had amusement written all over her face as she looked at the dumfounded Jared, standing there on my porch looking at the girl behind me. “I’m Alona, Helena’s sister,” Alona said moving past me, extending her hand towards Jared.

I couldn’t help, but feel the annoyance wash over my form – she so did it on purpose! Her smile was so lardy-dardy as if she knew that I haven’t really talked about her with Jared, and that there was something wrong with this whole situation. She relished the whole tension that radiated off me.

“A pleasure to meet you,” Jared said taking Alona’s hand in his and shook it. “I’m Jared.” My sister smirked looking at the men in front of her. The sight made me feel sick and I sighed in annoyance, trying so hard not to punch someone.

Her presence unnerved and annoyed the hell out of me, and the way she tried to get her attendance known – such a show off and attention whore. I was very much aware of the words I called my sister mentally, but I couldn’t help it – it was true.

“Helena,” my sister said turning her attention to me. “What do you say we invite Jared here to join our little celebration dinner?” She smirked looking at the men before us. “Oh, I was on my way to mother’s. Maybe the two of you would like to join us? I’m sure Ruby and Constance would love to meet you, seeing that Helena is like a daughter to them,” Jared said, smiling at Alona.

I saw my sister’s smirk widen and couldn’t help, but feel the dread washing over my form. She was doing just the thing I was afraid of – her coming into my life and acting as a big, perfect, long-lost sister – it was something I definitely didn’t need right now. “Maybe we could do it some other time,” I said looking at Alona trying to let her understand that it wasn’t such a good idea, and then at Jared smiling apologetically, “she just got here and we haven’t seen each other in quite a long time.” I tried to sound as convincing as I could without giving away any of emotions, but of course my sister wasn’t having any of it.

“Oh, but we have all the time in the world,” Alona smiled touching Jared’s arm lightly, “I would love to meet your family. If they love my sister so much and have accepted her, then I would most definitely need to meet these wonderful ladies. I think we’ll get along just fine.”

Jared smiled and I tried to swallow the small bundle of nerves.

This was not good.

* * *

It was such a disaster. I haven’t felt so nervous and so out of place. It didn’t help the fact that throughout the dinner Shannon kept giving me dirty looks. He had this primal, animalistic look in his eyes every time I looked at him. The weirdest part of it all was the fact that whenever I caught him looking at me and when he realized that I saw that he was looking at me, he turned his attention away from me and kept on chatting with my sister who, to my irritation, blended in perfectly.

At first Ruby and Constance was a bit precautious, because I have been open about my relationship with Alona. They knew about my family and the distance between the two of us, but over the evening Alona seemed to charm the two of the most important ladies in my life. She actually bewitched them with her openness, sense of humor and countless stories. Even Tomo, who came over for dinner in time with Shannon, took a liking to Alona. That was not good. The only thing that still kept me sane was Vicki. Throughout the dinner I couldn’t help but thank her mentally for her precaution towards people. It seemed as if Vicki saw past the show that my sister tried so hard to pull on and wasn’t too excited by the intruder. I was so grateful for that, finally someone who was on my side.

Actually, there was no need to choose sides. Alona hasn’t done anything wrong just yet, but still, I couldn’t be my usual self in the presence of the two people I despised the most. With all the looks Shannon gave me, I couldn’t help but wish for the evening to end faster.

When everyone finished with their meals and deserts I offered my help with the plates, as I usually did.

I sighed placing the last clean plate into the cupboard and jumped in my place as I felt two strong arms being wrapped around my waist, “shush.” His hot breath tickled my neck and I felt myself go limp in his arms. It was too much – his musky scent enveloped me and the fear of Shannon’s presence being so close to me kicked in.

What was he doing?

His strong arms played with the waistband of my skirt, sliding his hands lower to my hipbones, gripping them as he pushed me closer to his firm form. I felt paralyzed as he pushed my curls away from the side of my neck and started to plant small, hot trail of kisses over my neck and up to the side of my cheek.

The hell was he doing?

Everything in me was shouting, my emotions running wild trying so desperately to get out, to run away and scream, but I was too scared to move. There he was, the man who made my everyday life a living hell, sucking and licking the tender skin of my neck. The way his hot tongue danced across my skin and how strong he held me by my hipbones, the way he leaned slightly over my form and how his manly scent embraced me, paralyzing my whole body.

Stop, the voice in my head shouted, but unfortunately I couldn’t get any sound past my open lips. I tried so hard to breathe properly, but my need for air came out as a struggle to breathe.

“Oh, you like that?” He chuckled into my neck, applying pressure to his kisses. I felt his chest trembled with the unshed laugh and couldn’t help, but close my eyes – he was enjoying my discomfort too much.

Say something, anything, make him stop! I tried to order my vocal chords to function.

“Honest to God,” his deep, raspy voice rang in my ear, amusement covering every chord. “I will break your heart,” Shannon took my earlobe in his mouth and sucked on it lightly before letting go, “tear you to pieces,” he moaned in my ear, “and rip you apart,” he finished, tilting my head to the side and attacking the side of my neck with his teeth, breaking the skin in the process.

I couldn’t process the words he spoke in my ear – the pain of his bite, the emotions running through my body and the way the world around me swirled was too much to bear. His hands left the sides of my hips and travelled down my sides, applying the pressure as they traveled south and closer to the insides of my legs. Shannon pulled me even closer into his form and slowly, but deliberately applied the pressure to his touch, travelling up to my most sacred place. I opened my eyes, ripping myself out of his touch and stopping his movements with a hard slap that echoed throughout the kitchen – I gave everything that I had into the blow.

How dared he?

“In case you didn’t hear me clearly the last time we had a chat, I will remind you,” I stepped out of his zone and clenched my jaw, looking at his tilted head with a burning red mark on the cheek, “do not touch me!” I didn’t even bother waiting for an answer – he crossed a line this time and there was no excuse for that. That was humiliation at its worse and I was not going to stand there and let him treat me the way he treated all the others. This was a war, for God’s sake!

My heels clicked over the wooden floor of the Leto’s household as I tried to move as fast as I could to the front door and out of the house. This was too much for one night.

I heard footsteps following me and tried to skip a few steps at a time. I got to the door and opened it, trying to get out of the house as fast as I could, but Shannon grabbed my wrist. “Come back here, I wasn’t finished with you!” His angry voice grumbled as he closed the front door with his foot and took me by my wrists, trying to block out my movements. I struggled in his grip, but he was much stronger than me – the way he held onto my wrists was almost to the point where it hurt too much and I tried to keep the tears from falling. “Let me go!” I shouted, but he was unaffected.

“Why should I,” he snarled looking down at my struggling form. “I enjoy watching you squirm in front of me way too much. I wonder if you’re just as unrestrained in bed too.” I stopped my movements and looked up at his smirking form wanting so hard to add another red mark to his other cheek, just to wipe away that ugly smirk from his ugly plump lips.

“Let go of me!” I shouted, but Shannon just laughed, pressing my form closer to him. “I love it, when you feel so uncomfortable that you try and run away from me. It’s such a turn on,” Shannon said kissing my jaw.

Was it a joke? How can someone get turned on by torturing and humiliating other?

“You’re sick,” I spat trying with all I had to get away from his touch, but Shannon just laughed, “if that’s what you say, my dear.” He licked my jaw and proceeded to my neck.

Please, make him stop!

“Stop struggling,” Shannon commanded his voice being serious. He looked me dead in the eyes with his dark gaze, “I will get you, like it or not, but you will bow before me, you got that?” He took my chin in his arms and squeezed it. “You got it?” He repeated his question looking down at my lips.

“I will never bow to a man,” I spat trying to free myself from his grip. “Especially to a pig like you,” I spat getting out of his grasp, running as fast and far as I could.