Status: Temp postponed. Computer probs. We'll be back soon.

Listen to the Thunder

My Heart Is On Lock Down

My heart raced as I stood in front of one of my favorite bands, I was so excited that Martin asked me to come. Something was nagging in the back of my mind to ask how he knew the band personally but I was too hyped to ask. We were sitting in the guys dressing room when finally Jack and Paul walked in.
“Jack!” I shouted glad to see another familiar face, I know I was with Martin and all but I needed someone I knew better in such an awkward situation for me. . . someone to help me start up a conversation.
"Rumor!" she laughed. "Hey, Martin. Nice to see you found your pants."
He rolled his eyes and stood up to give Paul a hug. I giggled at the silliness of the scene in front of me.
“So guys when does the concert start?” Paul asked casually as we all sat down on the couches randomly placed around the room. I noticed the smirk on Martins face as he intertwined his fingers with mine; he leaned close to me and whispered.
“Is this okay with you?” he nodded toward our hands and I couldn’t speak I was to busy fighting the butterflies in my stomach and the awful comments that kept screaming at me from my own head. I just smiled and nodded. He kissed my cheek and moved back to his original position. I could tell I was blushing bright red and I was hoping everyone else was to involved in their own conversations to notice.
“So Rumor, Martin here tells me you’re new in town. How do you like it so far?”
“We moved in yesterday, so we haven’t had much of a chance to see the city” I stated nervously. Jack looked at me noticing our hands and winked with that silly grin of hers.
“But what we’ve seen of the city has been really exciting” Jack chipped in, her voice quiet. When suddenly there was a knock on the door, a large burly looking man walked in without being invited.
“Guys your on in five” his voice was loud and booming, this man was definitely intimidating.
“Well it was great getting to chill with you guys again and it was great meeting you two” Benji got up and started for the door with the rest of the band in tow. I looked at Jack and I could tell she was thinking the same thing.
“Wait! We both shouted”
“Can we get a picture before you go?” I asked my voice shook a little.
Give me a break I’m shy and their famous!
He turned around quickly and smiled widely.
“Of course, anything for a fan.” We all posed for a huge group picture, the scary burly man took the picture for us.
♥♥♥
After the concert I had Martin drop me off at the apartment, turns out he lives right down the hall from me which actually makes the whole jelly incident a lot less weird. He asked if I wanted him to stay but I insisted that he go to his own place for a little while, he didn’t want to argue so he just kissed my cheek and said he’d see me first thing in the morning. Jack wasn’t home yet because Paul wanted to take her out for a late night snack of some sort. I love that she met him he seems to be doing a good job at making her eat and breaking her out of the shell she’s in. My shell on the other hand just isn’t visible I let people think they know me but they only know the me I wish I was. See this is the problem with me when I’m alone I start to think . . . and usually my thoughts aren’t very kind. All the crazy thoughts running through my head.
Why would he ever even remotely like me? What would someone as funny and great as him see in someone like me? How could I let him get involved with a mess like me? Am I making a mistake by bringing him down with me? Should I just forget about him? What if he's just another Jared? Why am I such a horrible person?
The voice wouldn't shut up.
All these thoughts plus more are constantly running through my head, I’m good at hiding my discomfort until I get alone because the quiet makes it impossible for me to block myself out. The stupid voice never goes away. It just simply won't. Even years after entering rehab for the first time, I just can't bring myself to let go. I try and try again and what do I have to show for it? Empty beer bottles and dirty razors? Yes. The answer is yes. That's all I have to show for six years of Hell. Nothing's worked. I can't get the feeling of rejection out of my system. I wanted to forget about them, my mom, Jared... I wanted to be numb. Quickly, I eased myself from the couch, and let my feet move toward my heart's desire. Frantically I searched my drawer for the shiny piece of metal tapped to the top.
"Shit!" I cursed for the first time in years as I slightly sliced my finger while trying to remove the sharp blade. "Why did I put you there?" I asked the object as I now held it in my hand. "Oh yeah... Jack." Silently, almost as if people were filled in my empty apartment, I crept toward the bathroom. I was shaking with addiction. Being addicted to pain isn't all that great. It actually terrified me. I could practially already feel the blade gliding across my wrist. No, I'm not suicidal.... I just yern to feel something other than pain in my heart. The pain in my wrist made the pain in my heart disappear at least for the moment. And on really bad days when I feel like a lifeless robot...cutting reminds me of one thing. Cutting reminds me that I'm alive.
Taking the the silver blade in my shaking hand, I gently placed it on the right side of my wrist. I took a deep breath, not exhaling, and drug the object slightly down at an angle. The mark was long, but it was easier to breathe. I picked up the blade and placed it at the right, middle part of my wrist and moved the blade to the left. The pincing feeling made me calm down already. I finally let out a huge breath that I had been holding. My shaking was gone. I placed the blade at the top of my wrist, just below my palm. I applied extra pressure to ensure a deeper cut. Slowly, painfully even, I brought the razor across my barley visible vein and to the left side. I finally felt...free again. I stared intently as the blood surfaced from all three marks and started to make their way down. It was like the blood lines were racing to see who could fall down my arm the fastest.
Just one more....
The voice encouraged me. I smiled, knowing I agreed and would happily keep going. Again I picked up the razor and placed it on my wrist.
"Oh my God!"
I jumped at the un-mistakable sound of my sister's voice.
"Jack!" I squealed, letting the razor drop with a light clank on the tiled floor. I didn't realize that I was crying until this point.
"Rumor...what the fuck are you doing?!" Jack shouted. "Are you insane?!"
"Don't call me insane!" I snapped back, standing up quickly, ready to defend myself.
What if Martin thinks I'm insane?!
You are insane, Rumor.

"Then what else would you call this?!" Jack yelled back. I was at a loss for words, and just stared at her. "I'm waiting, Rumor."
"I don't know!" I burst.
"What do you mean I don't know?! It's not that hard!"
"Obviously you've never felt this way before, Jaycee!"
"If I had, I sure as hell wouldn't have harmed myself because of it!"
"You're one to talk! Starving yourself is a way to harm yourself!"
Jack's mouth dropped slightly, and then she closed it back again.
"That's different, Rumor." Jack cooed. "I'm better now. At least I'm not letting my old habits take control of me. Dammit, Rum! We're supposed to be here for help! You're just taking steps back."
"Stop it!" I snarled. "Fucking stop yelling and telling me that I'm wrong! I know that I am! Stop reminding me that I'll never be good enough!"
"Whatever. Do whatever you want to, Rumor. It's your life. Fucking waste it for all I care."
And with that, Jack turned around and left the bathroom. I rested my head against the wall and looked toward the ceiling. The tears wouldn't stop coming, and I slid down until my butt hit the floor. Cradling my knees to my chest, I wept. The razor felt even more inviting than it was just a few minutes ago. I crawled on the floor and over to the sharp object. I stared for a minute, realizing what I just did.
I think I fucked up big time.

♥♥♥

I was woken up by a gnarly kick to the shin. I jolted upright from the bathroom floor and stared into
Jack's
cold, green orbs.
"Get your ass up. Martin's at the door." She replied in a monotone voice before leaving me alone again.
My eyes hurt, my wrist throbbed, and I'm pretty sure Jack hates me.
Fantastic.
I got up off of the floor. I refused to look into the mirror, knowing I would find a broken, blond girl staring back at me. I wasn't ready for that kind of confrontation. I swept my straight locks into a loose pony tail before I washed my face, without looking into the mirror. I walked across the hall and into my room before searching for an suitable outfit. As soon as I found a long sleeve shirt, and skinny jeans, I started to get ready. Pulling on the long sleeve's is what hurt the worst. The material rubbing against my raw wounds caused discomfort that I knew couldn't be avoided.
When I was done adding jewelry, I walked back to the bathroom. It was slightly blurry, and I refuse to put in my contacts. That involves a mirror. I scooped up the Ray Ban glasses and placed them on my face. I was actually able to avoid seeing myself. Mission accomplished.
"Rumor?"
I turned around to see Martin standing behind me with a slight uncomfortable look on his face.
"Hey," my mood instantly lifting.
"So...um...wanna hang?"
I giggled.
"Kinda got that from you being here....so....yeah."
"Great," He chuckled and smiled at me. "Want to go to the mall?"
"Sure." I replied.
Martin led the way back toward the living room where Jack was sitting with Paul.
"When did you get here?" I lightly joked with the younger boy.
"I came with Martin."
"That's what she said." Jack muttered under her breath, but Paul caught it and laughed along with the red-head. When Jack and I made eye contact, she glared at me for a few moments before turning her attention back to Paul. Paul and Martin exchanged awkward glances.
"Um...come on Jack. I want to take you somewhere." Paul stated, grabbing her hand and pulling her behind him. He didn't give her room to object. As soon as they were gone, I smiled over at the gorgeous boy beside me. Is it bad that he keeps the horrible thoughts away? He gives me a confidense boost.
"I want cereal," I stated, earning a laugh from Martin.
"Me too. Watcha got?"
"Anything and everything....except Lucky Charms. Those things are gross."
"Okay," He chuckled, but followed me into kitchen nonetheless. "I want Cocoa Crispies." He stated.
"Good answer...in my personal opinion." I smiled before reaching up toward the cabinet.
"Rumor?" Martin asked, looking intently toward the handle, or where I thought was the handle. He stared for what seemed like forever.
"What are you looking at?"
He didn't respond, so I looked toward my hand. I didn't notice that my sleeve had shimmied down, putting my cuts on full display.
"I think we need to talk,"
♠ ♠ ♠
Apologies of taking so freaking long with this chapter! I've been swamped with school and shizzzz.

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- Val <3