On This Bench Of Suicide

Here I am sitting on this park bench... still alive.
the rough wood attacking my spine.
Taking in the enviroment of the scraggy local park, it was getting late now.
A bottle hanging limply from one hand, a photo clasped tightly in the other.
Kid's bike past me shouting impish abuse at my appearance.
They don't know.
They don't feel.
They don't cry.

I still sit there, waiting
whimpering, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, holding them securely to my chest, so tightly I was starting to lose feeling in my legs, but I felt protected from everything around me; the trees standing proud like kings, thebitchy whispering of the branches and bushes in the wind & rain, the darkness sweeping in on me.
Still waiting, waiting for the "pain Killers" to kill my pain & mix with the vodka.
My photo is now draining away in the rain.
All of my last memories... slowly dripping away.
The darkness is aproaching, heavier now, crawling around me... suffocating me.
I'm slipping in and out of conciousness now, still having beautiful flash backs all the same.
The day we met,
special occasions,
the first time we kissed,
when we fell in love.
**time lapse**

Right well im dead now.
Yes I got what I wanted.
But now Im so irratated,
Why didn't I come into contact with you again in this bitter sweet immortal life... so much for heaven.
Imliving in the same world, around the same people, same surroundings.
But no one is out to get me anymore, or to say "I understand" because they just don't!
I remember that messed up night. the night I was plunged, deep into this black hole & replaced after being redeemed of my living state and soul.
I remember the feeling of slipping away.
And now Im so angry! When all I did was love you and you were viciously ripped away from me, when you walked into the road with your Ipod On full blast,not seeing a massive lorry come screaming round the corner and smash you to peices... literally.
Why did that stupid lorry driver not somehow miraculously stop his lorry?
But hey, heres me with the pretence of hope, even though it wasn't your fault, it was mine.
I should have made your life more important so you would be more careful with it, maybe telling you I loved you more often, maybe once/twice a day wasn't enough.
Maybe I should have never existed, then I wouldn't feel this pain, I would have never fallen for you and your charming smile & glistening personality, never to feel all this hurt and desperation to die... inside
I don't want to feel the following: heartbreak, upset, loss, hatred, confusion, anger; I feel each of these for a zillion diffrent reasons, now youre gone

Let me go
I miss you
It seems that without your heart mine is incomplete
I love you