A New Beginning

I coughed uncomfortably and took a step back. “Like me,” I repeated. “Like me as in…?” My voice trailed off, allowing him to fill in the blank.

“As in I try to forget that this relationship is supposed to be bullshit. It’s kind of hard, though, when you remind me every ten seconds that it never will be real.”

My face colored slightly. “Um, well, uh…” Realizing that I wasn’t saying anything, I cleared my throat and ran a hand through my tangled hair.

“Nice,” he commented, referring to the fact that I had an inability to form actual, English sentences. “Look, I never said that you had to say it back.”

The fact was, I had no idea if I felt the same way. It wasn’t like I had ever had the courage to give myself up that much, to have feelings for someone. My trust issues ran deeply, and sometimes, it felt like there was not much I could do about it.

I mean, sure, I liked hanging out with Puck sometimes. And okay, maybe our arguments were entertaining. Maybe I even liked them. And those few times that he’s been genuinely nice to me… But they didn’t make my feelings romantic, did they?

Finally, I looked up to find Puck staring down at me, his expression almost hurt. Obviously, he wouldn’t make it clear that he was feeling something real, but the feeling was buried just under the surface.

“I don’t know,” I finally sighed, putting a hand against my forehead. “I just…I really don’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s cool.” He shrugged, like it wasn’t a big deal, but the tone of his voice, the pain that was evident, made me feel like shit.

Would it be any better if I lied and told him that I did like him? Why should I sacrifice my own happiness to pamper his ego?

“Guess this was kind of a wasted visit, then,” he murmured, sneaking a glance at the door longingly.

“It wasn’t wasted. I’m glad that I know how you feel.” But part of me wasn’t happy. At all. That knowledge wouldn’t be forgotten, always nagging me whenever the two of us were together. Knowing that our “relationship” was fake to me, but not necessarily for him.

Puck seemed to know that I was lying, just shaking his head and turning around. “I guess I’ll see you around, Australia.”

“Um, we could rehearse our duet,” I suggested quickly, almost like the words burst out of me. I didn’t want him leaving angry at me. I didn’t want the look on his face to be the one that remained for the rest of the weekend.

His laugh had undertones of spite and disbelief. “No,” was his only answer before he opened the door and walked back out into the cold.

I smacked myself in the forehead and journeyed to the kitchen. But even as I was pouring and eating cereal, my mind was somewhere else.

Puck probably thought I was a cold, heartless bitch, but in reality, I felt horribly that I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. But would he prefer to the truth or living a lie?

The door opened, and I screamed, almost knocking over my cereal bowl.

But it was just Santana, looking perfect with her uniform crisp and her hair back in a sleek ponytail, not a single hair out of place.

I watched her, waiting for her to say hello, but she didn’t. Instead, she just grabbed some yogurt and leaned against the counter to eat it, ignoring me completely.

“So,” I started, breaking through the thick silence, “how was your night?”

“Fine,” she responded mechanically.

“Sounds like fun.” My voice was sarcastic as I drank the milk left over from my breakfast.

It was quiet again, even as I brushed past her to throw my bowl in the sink. Snickering to myself, I hurried up the stairs. Why did I think that just because she admitted that she actually did like me being in Lima, it would mean that we’d be civil to each other? Like a real family. That was just entirely unrealistic.

For the rest of the day, I did my homework and wasted time on the computer. At one point, I could hear Santana in the other room, talking animatedly with Brittany on the phone, her laugh so loud and uncensored that it carried down the hallway.

I’d never heard Santana laugh for real, without any anger or hatred. But Brittany was able to pull that out of her?

My mind started racing as I sat back against the wall. Maybe it was fueled by the fact that Puck had confessed that he actually did like me, and I was searching to see if this kind of connection existed readily.

Okay, so I knew it did. After all, I was a girl. I’d seen countless chick flicks, highlighting romance between two human beings, most often one of them not believing in the concept of love.

Wasn’t a key component in attraction that one person could make the other laugh, really laugh, even if they were a cold, heartless bitch?

My eyes narrowed at the ceiling. Was Santana a lesbian?

Part of me really wanted to ask her, but maybe that wasn’t my place.

For a good ten minutes, I seriously debated getting off my ass and asking her directly. Finally, I accepted that even if I did ask, Santana wouldn’t give me a serious answer.

So I just leaned forward again, slouching, and continued scrolling through the webpage.

* * *

Dinner was awkward. It was pretty obvious that Aunt Marisol was still pissed at me, since she didn’t look up once, instead focusing too much on the food in front of her. Uncle John didn’t seem to eat at all, all of his time spent looking nervously between Aunt Marisol and me. I stabbed my food viciously, occasionally looking up to glare at the two of them.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), Santana was out at a party and couldn’t ease the tension ripping the family apart. Since she wasn’t even around, I bet she didn’t know what was happening. Not even a little bit.

Soon enough, Aunt Marisol got up, scraping her chair against the hardwood floor in what seemed to be the loudest possible way. Without saying a word, she took Uncle John’s untouched plate and stormed into the kitchen.

If Uncle John was a good uncle or actually had some courage, he probably would have touched my arm and encouraged me that everything would blow over soon. But he just got up from the table quietly and departed, not even giving me a glance for support.

I took a sip of my milk and shook my head. This family sucked. So much. But no one wanted to draw attention to the fact that there were unresolved issues, ones that were too embarrassing to be brought up. Everything had to be hidden to keep the honorable (yeah, right) Lopez name from being tarnished.