Not of Joy

Two men were cuddled together on a worn burgundy loveseat.

The blonde, the smaller of the two, glanced up at his boyfriend of four years. His dark, messy tresses were still damp from the shower he had finished earlier. Dark eyes focused absently on the flickering but silent television.

“Derrek,” the blonde’s soft voice added stark contrast to the otherwise silent house.

“Hmmm?” Dark, slightly glazed eyes glanced down at the smaller man.

“Do you ever wonder, that maybe if you’d done things just a little different, then maybe
everything would’ve been different?” the blonde asked quietly.

He sighed. “Talk to me.” The dark haired man, Derrek, sat up, disrupting his younger lover’s position, and turned to him.

Sitting up, the younger man turned to his lover and stared down at his hands, refusing to meet the other’s eyes.

“It’s just,” he swallowed, “is it my fault that she’s not with us? Could I have done something more?” Suddenly, he looked up and Derrek’s heiart clenched, giving a painful throb, when he saw the large tears ebbing out of the hazel eyes and falling down his pained lover’s already reddened cheeks.

“Oh, Michael. Oh, Mikey, no.” He reached for the smaller man and pulled him into his arms. “It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just, how things happened.” But the blonde shook his head.

“It is my fault, though. I-I could’ve stopped her. I should’ve told her I was sorry, told her not to leave, said anything. Maybe our little girl would be . . . be here.” And with that, he began to sob. Gut wrenching, heartache-filled sobs.

Derrek tightened his arms around Michael and made soothing sounds, hoping to comfort his grief-stricken love.

Truth be told, he was hurting too. His heart ached for the little life lost.

As silent tears made tracks down his cheeks, he recalled the fateful decision they’d made a little over a year ago that would turn their world upside down.

Flashblack

“Derrie?!” his blonde lover squealed from their bedroom.

“In the kitchen, Mikey!” he called. He heard feet thump down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Guess what! Guess wha- Ohhh, what are you making?” Mikey cooed when he caught sight of his boyfriend’s lucky wooden spoon.

Derrek dipped the spoon into the pot and pulled out a large chunk of chicken and a few curly noodles, replying, “Chicken noodle soup.”

Mikey squealed and dashed to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and hug him tightly. “I love your chicken noodle soup!”

Derrek chuckled. “I know, that’s why I’m making it. Now, what were you saying when you came down here?” He looked down into the murky broth and stirred it once, twice.

“Oh! Guess what!”

He pulled a noodle out with his spoon and mumbled “What?” as he put the spoon into his mouth.

“We’re going to have a baby!”

The whole, not-yet-chewed noodle was inhaled into his esophagus, and then he began to cough.

“Derrek!” Mikey cried, alarmed, and began to hit at his boyfriend’s heaving back.

He coughed up the obstruction, spat it into the sink, wiped his mouth and turned with wide eyes back to his blonde lover.

“Really, Derrek,” Mikey teased. “You really must learn to chew your food.”

Ignoring the teasing remark, he asked, “What’s this about a baby? You can’t get p-pregnant,” he stumbled over the word. “You’re a guy.”

Mikey looked confused for a moment, then he began to giggle. “Oh, no, Derrie! I meant that I want us to have a baby! Adoption! Or surrogacy!”

Derrek sagged with relief and nodded. “Oh, okay.”

“So can we?! Please, please, PLEASE!” he begged.

Derrek was silent while he moved the pot off the burner, retrieved a ladle, and dished the steaming soup into two awaiting mugs. When finished, he hand one mug and a spoon to Mikey and led his blonde lover to one of the three bar stools on the opposite side of the kitchen. He sat down on the stool beside Mikey’s and stared at him for long moments until he finally broke the tense silence.

“Are you sure about this? I mean, why now?”

“Oh, I’m very sure!” the blonde said, nodding vigorously. Then his expression became thoughtful. “We’re getting older, Derrek. You’re twenty-four and I’ll be twenty-three in four months. All of our friends are married and starting families of their own. I just think it’s time for us to do the same.”

Derrek nodded after a moment. “I agree.”

Mikey’s eyes alit with joy. “So does that mean . . .?”

Derrek held up a hand. “First we need to do some research, find out all of our options. But yeah, we’re gonna have a baby.”

End Flashback

Michael was thrilled. He brought home anything and everything that even slightly related to babies.

They chose adoption because as soon as Mikey read about the stories of surrogates running away with the child he’d had a fit and immediately crossed surrogacy out.
Two months later and they began to call adoption agencies. The first two seemed promising, until they were told of the couple’s annual income. The third denied them as soon as they’d found out they were a gay couple. The fourth and fifth both sounded wonderful. Until they’d gotten there, went to the nursery, and Mikey had immediately shaken his head and turned out of the room, saying that his “baby” wasn’t “in the room.”

Eight months after they’d began, Michael and Derrek received a visit from Michael’s twin, Mikayla.

Derrek smiled softly as he remembered the day that felt so long ago but was, in all actuality, only a few months back.

Five Months Prior

“Mikey! Dammit! Open the fucking door!” Mikey heard as he walked toward his front rattling front door.

He unlocked the door and turned the knob, the door swinging open to reveal his twin sister, Mikayla, with her leg bent at the knee and foot poised to kick the door again. He rubbed his eyes sleepily and shook his head.

“Jeez, ‘Kay, what the hell are you doing out in weather like this? And at,” he paused to check the cell phone (Derrek’s) he’d haphazardly grabbed when he’d stumbled out of bed.

“Eight in the damn morning, too?” He ushered her inside and grappled with her overly large, snow-covered jacket.

“Sorry, sorry. I was just so excited and couldn’t wait to tell you!”

“Tell me what?” he asked, confused.

“Oh, oh! I’m getting ahead of myself. I have a present for you and Derrek. Go get him so I can give to y’all,” she commanded.

He pouted. “But Derrie is grumpy in the morning!” he whined.

She gave him a look. “Go get him,” she said in a tone that promised pain.

Sticking his tongue out at her, he complied, running up the stairs to wake up his dead to the world boyfriend.

Mikayla waited impatiently for the pair, smirking when she heard a squeal from her brother.

Feet were heard thumping down the stairs and soon, Mikayla spied her brother thumping down the stairs with a groggy looking Derrek in tow.

“Good. Now sit,” she ordered and pointed to the living room.

Pouting, they did as told and both sat down on their worn out burgundy loveseat.

She pulled a chair from the dining room and set it across from them, sitting gingerly into it.

“Now, let’s get down to business, shall we?” Taking on a professional tone of voice, she leaned back and pulled her purse into her lap, crossing her ankles in a guise of sophistication.

The two men stared at her expectantly.

“I, um . . .” Suddenly losing her momentum, she pulled a little rectangular, wrapped box out her purse and thrust it in their direction. “Here,” she mumbled.

As one, they each grabbed an end of the box and slowly peeled their ends of paper away.

“Kay?” Mikey asked in confusion when the wrapping paper was gone and the box was revealed.

First Response- “A pregnancy test?” Mikey croaked and slowly shook the box, hearing thumps inside the box. He opened it and a thin white stick fell into his palm. He looked down at the little screen in the middle of the stick and gasped softly at the words so clearly announced.

Positive.

“You-you’re pregnant?” He couldn’t help the jealousy he felt, it was white hot lightning spearing his entire being.

She nodded and bit her bottom lip. “I thought about it a lot and I’m absolutely sure I want to do this.”

Derrek swallowed audibly and gaped at Mikayla. Mikey looked at him then looked to his sister.

“Want to do what?”

She gave him a nervous smile. “I want to be you and Derrek’s surrogate.”

Present Day

After that, almost nothing could tear Mikey away from Mikayla’s side. Whatever she wanted, she got.

Unless it was privacy. That she never got.

Mikey or Derrek drove her to all of her doctor’s appointments and bought everything a pregnant person needed.

Mikey called, or told Derrek to call, at least three times a day. He even went so far as to grocery shop for her so she wouldn’t pick up anything bad for the baby.

At sixteen weeks, four months, they’d found out it was a girl. A perfect, healthy girl.

Their home quickly filled up with pink, lots and lots of pink. Shoes, dresses, hats, bibs, diapers, formula, bottles; anything you could buy more than one of, they did.

By the fifth month, she was clearly showing, her waddle was more pronounced, and mood swings were really . . . swinging.

And it was just a little something. A little, tiny, insignificant thing that messed everything up.

Flashback

“Miiiiikey! Where are you!!!!” Mikayla yelled as she waddled into Derreck and Mikey’s house on a Friday afternoon.

Mikey groaned and pulled a pillow over his head to, hopefully, block out the noise and his incessant headache.

“MIKEY!” she screamed.

He whimpered. This morning he’d awoken and immediately ran to the bathroom to heave up last night’s dinner.

The flu. Why do I have to have the damn flu now? he thought as his mind dimly registered the fact that someone was stomping up the stairs.

Suddenly, his bedroom door slammed open and light flooded into the room.

He cracked his eyes open and groaned.

“Mikey!”

“Kay!” Startled, he sat up and immediately regretted it as his stomach lurched. “What’re- what’re you doing here?!”

She looked at him as if he’d grown another head. “Today’s my next doctor’s appointment!”

“I have the flu, Mikayla. You shouldn’t be here. Derrek called and told you that he would come pick you up. I don’t want you to get sick, you need to go home,” he told her wearily.

“But Mikey,” she whined.

“You know I’m irritable when I’m sick. You need to leave.”

“I don’t want to,” she said with a pout.

“Go. Home, Mikayla,” he said, his voice steely. Or as steely as someone with the flu could sound.

He just knew that her eyes were welling up with tears. And sure enough . . .

“Fine. I will!” she said tearfully.

He winced as the door slammed and sat back gingerly, slowly drifting off into a fitful sleep.

The next time he awoke the cordless phone beside him was ringing annoyingly. He picked it up and his Talk.

“Hello?” he asked groggily.

“Yes, hello. May I speak with Mister Reigh?” A light, feminine voice asked.

He was suddenly very much so awake. “This is him. May I help you?”

“I am calling from Women and Children’s Memorial. Miss Mikayla Reigh had you down as her next of kin?”

Fear struck him. “Yes, she’s my sister. Our parents died several years back. What- what’s wrong with my sister?” His hands began to shake as a premonition of the woman’s next words rang through his mind.

“Your sister was admitted a little under an hour ago. She had some major scrapes and bruises, a compound fracture, and some internal bleeding. She currently in surgery and will be so for the next few hours. Mister Reigh, were you aware of the fact that Miss Reigh is pregnant?”

A sob broke through. “Sh-she was si-ix months a-a-along.”

A hesitant pause. “They’re both in critical condition-”

“Oh God,” he said, horrified.

“Mister Reigh, although you may come here, we ask that you remain at your residence until further notice.”

He swallowed and nodded, although he knew she couldn’t see him. “O-okay.”

Without another word, he hung up.

He slumped back on his bed and curled into a ball.

End Flashback

It was now the wee hours of the morning and they were expecting the call from the hospital any time now.

The couple was still sitting together on the burgundy loveseat, Mikey with his head in Derrek’s lap and Derrek was back to staring at the muted television.

Suddenly, the phone rang and their hearts stopped.

Slowly, Derrek moved Mikey off his lap and got up to answer the phone.

“Hello?” he said quietly.

“Mister Reigh?” a decidedly male voice asked.

“Uh, no.” He glanced at Mikey and met his eyes. “He’s not available. I’m his boyfriend.”

“Miss Reigh is out of surgery. We managed to stop the bleeding but she’d lost too much
and . . . the baby didn’t survive.”

He took a shaky breath and asked his question. “How . . . how is Mikayla?”

“Miss Reigh is fine. She’s sleeping at the moment. We expect her to wake up before noon today.”

“I thank you for calling. We’ll be down around ten or so.” He hung up and turned to Mikey, who was looking at him with tears in his eyes.

“How’s Kay?”

“She pulled through. They stopped the bleeding and expect her to wake today.”

A small flicker of hope shone in his hazel eyes. “And the baby?” he asked tentatively.

Tears sprung in Derrek’s eyes, he bit his lip and shook his head.

***

Sometimes, life deals out a lot of shit. But you can’t lay down and die. You must roll with the punches and stand strong next to those you love.