The Only Hope for Me Is You Alone

I felt movements on the bed, but I didn't stir out of my sleep. I never had a good night's sleep since Gerard left, and I want to get back on track.
"Mommy, why did daddy say our names on TV? I thought he didn't like us anymore."
I opened my eyes and saw her sitting on the bed. When did she get here?
"What are you talking about sweetie?" I said as I rubbed my eyes and sat up slowly.
" He said stuff about us on the TV." Annabel said as she pointed to the TV. "Is daddy coming back? I miss him. I want him to read me a story. He tells me better stories."
I looked at her and laughed. "Daddy has some touring to do, you know that. He'll be back around Christmas."
"Daddy said he's leaving on the 30Th, today's the 10Th." Annabel said as she turned to me. "He missed my birthday."
"I know, but he has to make money. That's what daddy's do." I said as I stretched.
"Daddy usually comes into my room and kisses me, and tells me a story before he leaves. Or he takes me out for the whole day. Why was it so different?"
"Me and daddy aren't getting along-"
"I know. You told him not to come back and you threw something at him. Which happened to be my toy but, you chased daddy away." Annabel said as she turned to the TV and hugged her legs into her chest.
"I didn't chase him away baby, all mommies and daddies get into little arguments that's all."
"I never heard you and daddy fight to the point you throw stuff and curse at each other. I wish daddy was here and he told you to leave!"
"Daddy just doesn't understand what mommy's dealing with-"
"Why did you fight?!" Autumn turned to me, crying.
"Daddy wants a baby but, we just can't afford to have another child right now. Daddy's just coming into money, and he doesn't understand that-... Well your daddy's very thickheaded and only thinks about himself. Having another baby will basically complicate things." I said, I tried to sugarcoat it. I didn't do a good job.
"You're a stupid bitch!"
"Where did you learn that word?! I said no cursing!"
"Uncle Mikey.... He said when you're on your period you're a bitch"
I never did like Mikey.
"Just don't repeat what Uncle Mikey says, he's so stupid" I said and laid down on my bed.
I heard my phone ring, I reached and it was Gerard. I smiled and answered.
"Can I talk to Annabel?"
"Uh.... yeah" I handed the phone to Annabel. "It's daddy"
I could see the glow of happiness in her face. She really did love him.
"Hi daddy!" she said as she smiled. She took my phone and walked out of the room. She definitely takes after her father.

I went to the box again, I can't believe Annabel didn't look through it. She has my sense of curiosity. I took out all the pictures and saw what was at the bottom. My diary. I took it out and opened it to a page. The ink is faded and the pages are torn only on this date. December 23, 1999. The day that changed my life forever...

At my house, my mom was... celebrating Christmas her own way. Drinking and having sex with random strangers. I put on my hoodie, that Gerard gave to me because I complained I was cold the other day. I really wasn't cold... I just wanted to have a piece of him close to me. ( I still have it. It's in my closet. Told you he was forgetful.) I zippered it up, it still smelled like him. He wasn't the one to wear cologne, but he smelled amazing. I walked out and looked up at the snow falling down. It was beautiful. I walked to Gerard's house and heard yelling from inside. I hid on the side, again.
"GERARD GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YOU FAT ASS" a big man, with a dirty shirt screamed.
Then out of the front door, out ran Gerard.
I could see the fear in his eyes....
"GET BACK HERE YOU DON'T TALK BACK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M YOUR FATHER"
The moment I saw Gerard trip, my heart sank... Gerard was almost free...
His father ran over to him and threw the chair from the porch at him. I've never seen Gerard cry... and that was my first.
When his father was done he stumbled inside but, Gerard laid on the ground.... Crying his eyes out.
'Gerard" I said calmly. I walked over to him slowly and knelt down next to him. "Gerard" I said again.
"L-Lindsey, d-don't tell" he looked me in the eyes.
"Shhhhh' I said with a gentle smile. "Gerard... Every thing's safe with me."
Gerard smiled as tears rolled down his cheeks.
As I helped him up, Gerard grabbed me into his chest and I fell down with him again.
"Gerard!" I said, laughing.
"Lindsey... what are you doing here...?"
I looked up at him.
"I... Wanted to spend the weekend with you..."
"In my house? Lindsey... no"
"Gerard, please" I looked at him pleadingly. "Gerard, you don't know what it's like-"
"I don't know?" Gerard looked at me. "I don't know? Lindsey you saw what happened. That goes on every night!"
I looked at him and got up. "Gerard I'm sorry....'
"Sorry?! Lindsey you're a Cobain. You have everything handed to you. You're rich."
"And you're the one to judge?" I wiped tears from my cheeks and ran out of his yard... I was so hurt.
"Lindsey! Come back! I'm sorry! Lindsey!" Gerard shouted as he followed me out of his yard. "Lindsey! Lindsey! I didn't mean it!"
I ran until I couldn't hear Gerard shout my name. Where am I? I looked at the street corners... Balcom Ave.
Bert lives here.
I ran to his house and knocked. I needed someone to turn to.
"Lindsey... It's fucking cold out here what are you doing?!" Bert pulled me inside and hugged me tightly.
"I'm sorry... I wanted-'
Lights flashed through the windows.
"Fuck my parents are home, come on Linds" He grabbed his coat and put it around me. Then he grabbed my hand and ran out with me to the woods.
"Sorry... My parents don't approve of girlfriends." Bert said with a smile.
"I'm not your-"
He put his finger over my lips and smiled.
"I can pretend..."
"Bert... We're just friends"
"Lindsey... I love you so much... You don't... understand. I think of you every day and night.. I want you as mine, forever." Bert said as he got closer.
"Bert.. I love you too-"
"It's settled! You're my girlfriend!" He said with a big grin.
"No.... as a friend..."
I saw Bert's whole facial expression change.
"You always treated me like shit. Always! You never take me seriously! You're so fucking mean to me and I show you love more then anyone.."
I took his coat off and gave it to him. "Bert... Please I'm not in the mood-"
Bert looked at me up and down. "YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THAT GOTH KID! YOU HAVE HIS SWEATSHIRT ON! HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE YOU!"
"....Bert please!"
"Don't pull that shit with me Lindsey... You love him. You know what Gerard does? He finds girls with low self esteem like him, fucks them and lets them go."
My heart sank. I looked at him.
"Now you listen. Lindsey.. I'm the one for you. Don't you realize it?"
I looked at him. "I don't like you. I never will. No matter what you tell me. I'll never like you."
Lindsey Cobain you did it now.
Bert pinned me against a tree and started kissing me.
"Bert knock it off! Bert! BERT'
"SHUT UP" Bert screamed at me.
Bert yanked off my hoodie and threw it on the floor. He shoved his hands in my bra.
"They're so nice" Bert said with a smirk.
"Bert get your fucking hands off of me!"
"Shut up bitch" He said as he slapped me.
I looked away and shut up... I was speechless.

Bert ripped off my shirt and kissed down to my chest. He bit my neck slightly and kept going down. He ripped open my pants and pulled them down. He pulled his down. I tried... I tried to stop him.
"You're a virgin right?"
"BERT GET OFF OF ME!" I shouted, I was crying hysterically.
"I'm guessing yes" He said with a chuckle.
He shoved it in and all I could think about was the pain... I was crying and screaming, I couldn't stop him. I couldn't think about anything else.
"You're not bleeding..." Bert said as he zipped up his pants. "YOU FUCKING SLUT YOU SAID YOU WERE A VIRGIN!"
I wasn't.
"You probably lost it to Gerard you little whore" he said as he shoved me into the floor.
I pulled up my pants and put Gerard's hoodie on. I ran straight home, the cold air was stinging my tear-soaked face. I kept running... I couldn't stop. Where do I go? Who do I turn to?