We Burst at the Seams

Dumbledore tells Remus what has happened by owl. Remus stares at the parchment for too long and Arthur Weasley asks him what’s wrong. Remus hands him the letter silently and sits in the nearest empty chair. This is not happening. This cannot be happening. He will close his eyes, and everything will disappear. This is not real.

Arthur gasps. “No,” he says, reading the letter again. He looks at Remus. “Molly!” he yells to his wife, who is upstairs. She is not usually at the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, but she has brought along her children tonight. They were planning a feast, for no other reason than to bring everyone closer for a night. “Molly!”

Remus opens his eyes to find he is alone. Arthur has left the kitchen to tell his wife the horrible news. The Potters are dead.

The owl is sitting on the table, eating some of the ham Remus helped Molly prepare earlier.

He gets up from the chair and looks around the kitchen for a quill and parchment. Eventually he finds some after opening almost every single drawer. In his haste, he jabs a hole through the parchment. He pauses, takes a deep breath and presses the quill to the parchment a second time.

Sirius, come to Headquarters.

-Remus

This is all he writes. He knows Dumbledore will have sent the letter Remus received to Sirius as well, to all members of the Order. Remus knows that sending a letter to Sirius is futile. Sirius betrayed James and Lily tonight. He was their Secret Keeper. He was the only one who knew where they were. The only one.

He tries to attach the letter to the owl’s leg, but his hands are shaking too much. He feels another set of hands take the parchment out of his own. They attach the letter and the owl gives a small hoot before taking off.

“Who was that for?” Alice Longbottom asks quietly.

“Sirius,” Remus says. His voice breaks as he utters the name. “I want to know if he’s alright.”

Alice looks at him with pity. “Remus, he’s ... He’s with ... He’s with him.”

Remus swallows because he doesn’t know what to say. For the first time, he notices her eyelashes are stuck together with tears. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are puffy. He then realises that he has not shed a single tear.

She helps him into a chair and proceeds to boil the kettle with her wand. “Here,” she says, pressing a steaming cup of tea into his hands. “Drink up.”

He takes it without a word, but does not drink. He has guessed for some time now that Sirius was the spy. All the times he would be out late, all the times he avoided being alone with Remus. Deep down, Remus knew all along that Sirius Black was a traitor. He was just too in love with him to really face up to the truth. And now, James and Lily, and their baby son, Harry, are dead.

“There you are,” says a man from the door way. Frank Longbottom walks swiftly to his wife and they embrace. “Neville’s finally asleep,” he says.

They could almost be the Potters, Remus thinks.

“Poor Harry,” Alice says. “He’ll never remember his parents.”

“What?” Remus asks, jerking his head up. “He’s alive? Harry’s alive?” He thinks of the sweet, green-eyed boy who was always laughing at something. Sirius would always spoil him, bringing toys and sweets whenever they went to visit.

“It was in the letter,” Alice says, frowning. “I’m certain it was in the letter.” She picks it up off the table and re-reads it, just to be sure. “He only says James and Lily are ...”

There is an awful silence as the three of them take on the weight of the words she does not speak.

“... and the traitor scum just ups and runs off, does he?” Mad-Eye Moody’s voice is heard in the hall.

“It’s not like he would hang around, Mad-Eye,” says Sturgis Podmore.

“If I ever—” Mad-Eye begins, but Podmore shushes him, nodding his head toward Remus.

“I’m just going to check on Arthur and Molly,” Remus says. He places the cup of tea on the table and walks into the hall. He takes the stairs slowly, thinking he will collapse onto one of the spare beds. He does not actually want to see the Weasleys, he just wants to be out of the company of everyone else.

“Remus,” says Arthur. As Remus reached the landing, Arthur emerged from the bedroom presumably containing his wife and sons. “Where’s Peter?”

“Peter,” Remus echoes. He has forgotten completely about Peter. Peter should be here. He was invited to the dinner. He said he would be coming. “I don’t know. What’s Dumbledore doing?”

“No clue. I’ll let you know when I know.”

Arthur hurries downstairs. Remus opens a bedroom door and, making sure no one is on it, he lies down on the bed.

He thinks of Sirius. He’s probably with Voldemort right now. Laughing about how his friends were so trusting. How even Remus, the person who was closest to him, could not figure it out. Remus wonders if he helped Voldemort do the killing. Did he look James in the eye, right before his death?

Remus shifts onto his side and curls into himself. His chest aches. He wants Sirius here. He wants Sirius dead. He wants Sirius so much it makes him want to scream because nothing is fair. It wasn’t supposed to work out this way.

This love, this is not happiness at all. This love is nothing but the most exquisite pain Remus has ever experienced. This is beyond anything he had ever imagined. People sang of the happiness it created. The joy. Remus had spent countless hours poring over what he thought were elegant words of poetry and prose. He saw them now for what they were: lies. There was no beauty in love.

* * *
Sirius flies his motorbike down into an alleyway in Godric’s Hollow. He is chilled to his bones because he didn’t have time to put on a jacket, but he barely notices as he kills the engine. He leaves the motorbike in the alley, not caring if Muggles saw him fly it. The house is no longer under the protection of the Fidelius Charm, so he remembers where James lives. He runs out of the alley and into the street.

The house is gone. Completely gone.

As soon as he discovered Peter was not in his hiding place, he knew something was wrong. Sirius had jumped straight back on his bike and flown to the house. He should have realised what had happened as soon as he remembered the Potters’ address, but the fear drove the facts out of Sirius’s mind.

How can the house be gone? Sirius stares for a long time, trying to understand. Why would Voldemort blow up the house?

Suddenly, Sirius can barely stand. His head is light and the street lights are everywhere and streaking across his vision and he can’t see properly. He begins to walk and he bumps into a lamp post but he keeps going. He’s shaking. He can’t feel his hands. The only real family Sirius ever felt he belonged to is gone. James is dead. James is dead he’s dead he’s dead he’s dead.

How can he be, though? He sent Sirius a letter this morning! He can’t be dead! Sirius is on the other side of the street now. He bends over as he vomits and he does not feel the sting of stomach acid in his mouth and nose. His hands won’t stop shaking.

“Sirius?” he hears a familiar voice say. “What’re you doin’ here?”

Sirius looks up to find Hagrid’s enormous figure beside him. “James,” he croaks. His legs cannot stand anymore and he sits on the kerb. “Hagrid.”

Hagrid sits next to Sirius and carefully arranges a bundle in his arms. He pulls an enormous handkerchief out of his pocket and hands it to Sirius, although Sirius is not crying. “We’ve still got little Harry here.”

“Harry?” Sirius looks properly at the bundle Hagrid is holding. There’s Harry. Sirius reaches out for him. Hagrid hesitates, but Sirius looks at him and he passes the baby to Sirius. By some miracle, this tiny baby has survived whatever happened in that house.

“It’s awful,” Hagrid says, his voice thick. “They were so young.” He sniffs.

Sirius hands him back his handkerchief. “What’s wrong with his forehead?”

Hagrid blows his nose noisily before answering. “Dumbledore di’n’t say. He just said ter bring Harry ter his Aunt and Uncle’s.”

“His Aunt’s? Petunia’s house? Petunia doesn’t know him! Let me take him, Hagrid. I’m his godfather. I’ll take care of him.”

“I can’t, Sirius. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Please.” Sirius cradles Harry closer to himself, burying his face in Harry’s blanket. He smells like soap; Lily or James must have just given him a bath not long ago. Sirius feels tears coming and he doesn’t stop them. He hears Hagrid blow his nose again. Sirius sniffs and tries to compose himself. He lifts his head and sits up straight.

“Dumbledore said ter take him there.” Hagrid reaches out his arms for Sirius to place Harry into. Harry wakes up and begins to cry. His little fists clench.

“No!” Sirius moves Harry away. “I’ll look after him. I have money. I won’t go on missions for the Order anymore, I’ll get a better job, I’ll—”

“We don’t need the Order anymore,” says Hagrid. “You-Know-Who’s gone.”

“What? What do you mean, he’s gone?” Sirius bounces Harry up and down and the crying quietens and eventually ceases.

“He was destroyed, in tha’ explosion.”

“What happened, Hagrid!” Sirius shouts. He’s tired of not knowing anything. He couldn’t see his best friend for months, Remus would barely speak to him for days on end and now he cannot even take care of his own godson and he doesn’t know why. “Tell me!”

Harry begins to cry again.

“Shh,” Sirius says and resumes bouncing him. “It’s alright, it’s okay. Everything will be okay.” He hates himself because he is lying to a baby.

“I don’ know!” Hagrid says firmly, but does not shout. “I have to take him ter Dumbledore an’ tha’s all I know.”

“Please let me take him. Please, Hagrid. He’s the only family I have.” There’s Remus, too, Sirius reminds himself, but no one is supposed to know about Remus.

“I’m sorry, but I have ter follow Dumbledore’s orders, Sirius.”

Sirius looks at the boy in his arms and wishes he never had to let go, he never had to move from this spot. Harry would never grow up and Sirius wouldn’t have to think. The only thing left of his best friend, his brother, is this boy.

“Sirius.”

Sirius looks at Hagrid and realises that he won’t change his mind. He takes a deep breath, wipes his face with the inside of his sleeve and clears his throat.

Sirius kisses Harry on his forehead, avoiding the small, open wound there. “I’ll see you soon, Harry,” he says. “Here,” Sirius says and passes Harry over. As soon as the boy leaves his arms, he feels tears well up in his eyes again. “Dumbledore better know what he’s doing. Make sure he tells them Harry loves pureed apples. And jelly, although Lily doesn’t like to give it to him. Lime is his favourite flavour. James and I used to sneak it to him.” A tear runs down his cheek but he pretends not to notice.

“I will,” Hagrid says gently. No matter how long he has known Hagrid, Sirius is always amazed at how gentle this giant of a man can be. Hagrid puts a hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“I best be off before the Muggles get here,” Hagrid says. He waits for Sirius to say something, but Sirius doesn’t. Hagrid stands up and begins to walk off. He doesn’t want to leave Sirius this way, but he must.

“Hagrid, wait.” Sirius gets to his feet. “Take my bike.” He wipes the tears away off his cheeks with his sleeve. “Come on, it’s this way.”

“Bu’ you love tha’ bike!” Hagrid protests when Sirius gives him the keys.

“I won’t need it anymore,” he says. There are too many memories attached to it, now that James is gone.

Hagrid is about to say something else, but the look Sirius gives him is enough to silence him.

“Goodbye, Harry,” Sirius says to the sleeping boy, and Disapparates.

* * *

“Remus?” says a timid voice as the door opens and a slice of light pours into the room.

Remus wonders if it would be easier to pretend he’s asleep. Of course it would be, but he has to face the world some time. He turns to face whoever it is and pretends he’s waking up from a nap. “Mmm?”

“Do you want to come downstairs? Dumbledore’s here,” says Alice. “V-Voldemort’s destroyed,” she adds in a whisper. “When he tried to kill Harry, the house exploded. We don’t know why. But ... the war’s over.”

Dumbledore. For all the effort he put into protecting James and Lily, they are still dead. Re
mus finds he no longer cares about the war: everyone worth protecting is gone.

“Sure. I’ll be down in a moment.”

“Alright.” Alice closes the door and he hears her walk down the stairs.

As he walks down the same stairs a few minutes later, he stupidly wishes that at the bottom he will find Sirius, sitting at the table like he usually was, planning some Order mission, or some prank with James. They never grew out of playing jokes on everyone, especially Remus.

Instead, he finds what is left of the Order. There are smiles and tears and people hugging. But the smiles don’t match the eyes. Everyone is too haggard to properly celebrate. They have lost too many of their number.

“Remus,” says Frank. He is the closest to the staircase. “I’m so sorry.”

Remus nods at him, because there are no words he can possibly say.

“If you ever need anything, we’re always here for you.”

Sirius said that, Remus thinks. He can picture the moment in cruel detail. It was after Hogwarts and they had been living together for a week. They were both sitting in the lounge drinking firewhisky. They’d just finished a dinner of pumpkin soup that James’s parents had brought around when they had come to visit. Remus had been amazed at how close Sirius was to them.

Sirius had been going on about how the Potters were the best couple he knew. He was more than a little tipsy at this point. He began a long monologue that Remus couldn’t quite decipher, but there were lots of words like trust and respect thrown in there.

Sirius turned to Remus and slapped a hand on his shoulder. “What we have, Remus. What we ...” He trailed off and looked blankly at Remus for a few seconds. “We’re like them. We’re good. You know?”

“Sure,” Remus said as he laughed and then took a sip of his own firewhisky.

“And we’re always, it’s like, we’re always together. But you don’t drive me insane like James does. Not that I don’t love him, James is a great guy. He’s the best. Don’t you like James? I love James.” Sirius drunk from his glass and spilt a little on himself. “The thing is, Remus. Moony. Mooooony. The thing is. I will always be there for you. Just like Achill-lilili-les and Patroclus. Like them. Except you don’t die.”

“I’m Patroclus?” Remus asked, pretending to be offended. Of course he isn’t, Sirius is much more suited to the role of Achilles.

“Of course,” Sirius said. “Although, I wouldn’t let you go to battle without me. So the metaphor is really quite shitty.”

Remus starts as he realises Frank is still staring at him. “Thanks,” he says and tries to smile. It’s more of a grimace, and he hates the look of pity Frank gives him.

Walking further into the room, he eventually finds his way to Dumbledore. Mad-Eye is talking to him, but Dumbledore says something to him and Mad-Eye leaves.

“It was him, wasn’t it, Dumbledore?”

Dumbledore looks at him with those immeasurably deep, blue eyes. “Yes.”

Somehow this answer steadies Remus. It is final and complete and now Remus knows how big a fool he has been. He should have spoken up, then maybe they could have saved James and Lily from Sirius’s betrayal.

“You aren’t to blame, Lupin. None of us could have seen this happening.”

He is to blame, he thinks. Not everyone was fucking Sirius Black. Not everyone was living with him, no one else knew about all those times he went out and wouldn’t explain where he had been. No one else knew that they would not speak for days.

“I should go,” Remus says, not looking Dumbledore in the eyes. “Thank you for all you did, Dumbledore.”

“It’s Black’s fault,” says Mad-Eye, who had evidently been listening in. “Who knows how his mind works. Betrayed his best friend, could have killed that baby.”

“Alastor, I think Minerva wanted a word with you,” Dumbledore says. He leads Remus to the entrance hall, where they are alone. “Remus, you can’t blame yourself for what Sirius did. It is terrible, yes, but it is not your fault.”

“Is Harry safe?”

“Yes. He’s with Lily’s sister.”

Remus nods. At least Harry will be with family, with people who love him. “Can you say goodnight to everyone for me?”

“Of course. Goodnight, Remus.”

“Goodnight.” Once out of the house, having avoided seeing anyone, he Disapparates into his and Sirius’s home. He takes a step and stumbles. The coat rack has been knocked over and is lying across the hallway. Remus picks it up, replacing the hats and his own coat. Sirius’s coat is gone.

He lights the lamps in the hall with his wand. It could be any ordinary day. Everything is in its place. Sirius could be sleeping in their room, or out with James, or taking his motorbike for a ride. Except he’s not.

Remus goes into the kitchen and begins to boil the kettle. He gets a tea bag and his usual cup and waits for the water to boil. Eventually, the cup of tea is made and he sits in the lounge after having lit a fire with magic. He sits on the carpet in front of the hearth and closes his eyes. He leans back on the armchair behind him. He falls asleep and his dreams are haunted by people who have no faces.

* * *

Sirius arrives at Peter’s hiding place. He double-checks, but there is so sign of Peter. He’s probably hiding from the Order somewhere, as well as the Death Eaters. He led their Lord to his death. He will not be exempt from blame.

The thought does not comfort Sirius at all. His family are dead. The knowledge is eating away at his insides and he feels like he’s going to vomit any second.

He transforms into a dog, and suddenly the world is so much easier to bear. All he needs to do is find Peter. Once he finds Peter, everything will be okay. Dirty rat dirty rat dirty rat’s hiding in the walls? Sirius follows the scent-trail to a small hole in the wall. Dirty rat crawled through. He can smell it.

He growls, clawing at the wall. Eventually, he finds the scent-trail. He’s hungry and there are squirrels and cats to chase but Sirius must be a good dog because once he finds Peter everything will be okay and Remus will not be mad at him and Harry can live with them. The trail goes down into the sewers.

Sirius whines. He does not like the sewers. The sewers are dark and cold and smell of bad things. But Peter is down there somewhere and Sirius must find him.

He loses the trail when it goes through a metal grate that he cannot fit through. He growls and scratches at the metal, but it is no use. Dirty rat got away. Transforming back into himself, he beats at the metal with his fists until they are bloodied.

Climbing up the nearest ladder he can find, he breathes deeply in the fresh air. It is still reasonably warm and he lies down on the footpath. He looks up at the moon and is reminded of Remus. He wonders where he is. Probably at home. With a cup of tea.

Thinking that Sirius is a traitor.

Sirius bites his lip and wonders what would happen if he went home. He can’t go home without proof. Everyone thought Sirius was the Secret Keeper. Once he has Peter, everything will be alright.

Peter wouldn’t go to their house, would he? Sirius can’t think of another place he would go. Obviously, he couldn’t go to a Death Eater’s place. Although, why would Peter go to an Order member’s home?

Still, it is a place to start looking for the traitor. He transforms back into the dog and trots to his home. He can’t risk Apparating so near to his home at this time: the night is too quiet and Remus will hear him appear. The walk takes almost an hour and Sirius has to pause and take several rests. He catches a couple of mice and eats them quickly, trying not to stop for too long.

Finally, he arrives. His ears prick when he sees that the front room’s light is still on. He places his paws up on the windowsill and looks through the curtains, carefully, because Remus must not see him.

Sirius’s tail wags enthusiastically when he sees Remus, who is sitting on the floor next to the fire, sleeping. He loves Remus. Remus is a good man who is sort of like a dog sometimes but not really because Sirius can smell other things on him. Once Sirius finds Peter he will show Remus and then everything will be better. His tail is wagging so fiercely now that the whole lower end of his body moves from side to side.

Remus stirs and Sirius moves away from the window. Not yet. Not yet. He must find the rat.

* * *

It took all of the Tuesday and half of the Wednesday, but Sirius finds Peter. He chases him through a Muggle town that Sirius doesn’t know the name of as they are both in their Animagus forms.

Sirius growls and snaps at the end of Peter’s tail, but Peter darts away at the last second and runs under a parked car. Sirius swipes a paw under it, but Peter is just out of his reach. He can see the dirty rat’s whiskers twitch in terror and Sirius is pleased. He wants to make the rat hurt.

Sirius barks and he knows Muggles are staring at him but he doesn’t care. He must get Peter. Without Peter there is no future.

Peter runs out from under the car and down an alley. In the cover of the alley, Sirius returns to his human form and gets out his wand.

“Fight!” Sirius yells at the rat. “Turn around and fight me, you bastard!” He aims a curse at Peter, but the rat avoids it—barely.

Sirius makes a noise of animalistic fury. They are out of the alleyway, and are now in a deserted side street. Sirius raises his wand and shouts the Homorphus Charm at Peter. He misses once, twice, three times. He’s out of breath but he keeps running. He shouts the charm for a fourth time and it hits Peter and he transforms into his human shape, on all fours, still a considerable distance from Sirius.

Peter scrambles to his feet and Sirius is almost upon him. He aims a curse over his shoulder, which hits Sirius on his left arm, but neither man slows his pace.

Sirius chases him into a street full of Muggles. He doesn’t care. He has to get Peter. He must.

Peter runs across the road, but before Sirius can follow the lights turn green and cars bar his way.

“Pettigrew!” Sirius yells across the road and people stop what they are doing and watch the spectacle in front of them.

The lights turn red and Sirius has the chance to run across the road. Peter about fifty metres away, backed into a corner made by the buildings lining the street.

Sirius stops. He wants to savour this moment. Does he need to capture Peter? Can’t he just kill him?

“Lily and James, Sirius, how could you?” Peter says.

Sirius barely has time to register what he has said before a huge explosion comes from where Peter is standing. People are screaming, there is a giant hole in the ground. Peter is gone. There are people, dead people. More death.

Sirius stands before the crater and laughs and laughs. He’s going to Azkaban. He can’t prove anything. Everyone will think he is the traitor. And Remus, Remus will hate him. Remus will hate him for the rest of his life. His throat begins to hurt from the laughter, but the whole situation is funny he cannot stop.

He doesn’t seem to find it odd that this is the single most hilarious moment of his life.

tears run down his cheeks and he struggles to breathe properly. he wipes them away, but the laughter does not cease.

He is still laughing hysterically, feverishly, when the representatives from the Ministry of Magic arrive.

* * *

Dumbledore arrives in person this time to tell Remus the news. Remus ushers him in and offers him a cup of tea. Dumbledore declines and they both sit in the lounge.

“They have found Sirius,” Dumbledore says. Remus feels like he’s being X-rayed. “He was not far from Hammersmith. We think Peter Pettigrew tried to go after him.”

Peter. In these past two days, Remus had barely spared a thought for Peter. And now, he must be dead. Guilt floods Remus’s mind and he struggles to concentrate on what Dumbledore is saying.

“Peter was killed, in the middle of the street. He died trying to bring Sirius to justice.”

“In the middle of the street?” Remus asks. He concentrates on Peter, because he cannot bear to think about Sirius. “What about Muggles? Wouldn’t someone have seen?” Peter is dead. There has been too much death. Remus wishes he could fall asleep for ten years, so he would not have to think. “Oh, Peter.”

“Twelve Muggles were killed in the explosion.”

Remus is silent. Sirius is not only a traitor. He is a murderer. A murderer of innocents. Of Muggles, for Merlin’s sake. They have nothing to do with the war, with the Order, with Voldemort, with any of it!

“Remus, I am truly sorry. I felt you should know before you read it in the newspaper.”

“Th-thank you, Dumbledore.” Remus looks at his own lap, where his hands are holding each other steady. He wants someone to hug. “If it’s alright, I’d um, I’d like to be alone.” He feels odd talking this way to a man who was once his Headmaster.

“Of course.” There is a pause. “They’re keeping him at the Ministry for another hour before he’s moved to Azkaban.” Another pause. “Do you want to see him?”

“No.” There is no pause, no doubt in Remus’s mind that this is the right answer to give.

Remus shows Dumbledore out, locks the door and crumples to the ground, his back leaning against the wall. He rests his head on his knees, wishing that this horrible, excruciating pain in his chest would go away. He has lost everyone who meant anything to him in the past three days. This is what you get from love, he tells himself. Pain and regret and anger and betrayal and jealousy and then everyone leaves you. So much death.

Eventually, he stands. He walks around his home and begins to gather his books, his clothes, anything of importance to him. He packs it all into a magically expanded suitcase, which he leaves on the floor of his bedroom.

He lies on the bed he used to share with Sirius one last time, staring at the ceiling. He drifts off to sleep, hours later, wishing he had never met the man named Sirius Black.