The Way We Talk

Jack was sitting on his couch, contemplating whether he should go out or spend a night in. He didn’t go out much anymore, didn’t really feel the need to. He could just drink away his misery in the comfort of his home. Besides when he did go out, he always ended up at some woman’s apartment, sneaking out the next morning and feeling guilty for using sex as an escape from this nightmare he was living.

He’d moved from Baltimore to LA a few months back thinking he’d fare better if he was closer to Abby. Wrong, of course. He now had to endure wedding talk whenever she was around. He knew he could always go back home to Maryland, but he just couldn’t bring himself to leave her behind. He’d lost her once for what he’d thought was forever, and he had no desire to do that again.

He was distracted from his thoughts when his phone went off, an unfamiliar number blinking at him. He ignored it, figuring it was some random girl he’d given his number to after he’d consumed a ridiculous amount of alcohol. Those calls were usually awkward because he never remembered their names. How could he? He was plastered.

Thankfully, his phone soon stopped vibrating and Jack returned to his show. However five minutes later, it began to shake again. Jack groaned and reluctantly answered, “Whoever this is, I really need you to stop calling.”

“Sorry man,” a male voice answered. “It’s Jared.”

“Who?” Jack racked his brain. He didn’t know a Jar- oh wait. Yes he did. Abby’s Jared. “Right, Jared. Hey man, what’s up?”

“Nothing, well actually… I was wondering if maybe you were free sometime,” Jared said.

“Are you asking me out?” Jack asked, feigning shock. “I know that Alex and I run with the Jalex thing, but I’m not actually into guys.”

“No, no! That’s not what I meant,” Jared defended. “I just thought it’d be a good idea to hang out and get to know you. I’ve only met you like once, but you seem to be a pretty important part of Abby’s life. So I thought maybe we should hang out or something. That’s all.”

Jack laughed. “I’m kidding man, but sure I guess that could be cool. I mean, I was just going to watch TV anyway; going out sounds like a better plan.”

Jared chuckled on the other end. “Okay then I’ll meet you at that dive bar near here. I’m actually hungry.”

“Santa Monica has good dive bars?” Jack questioned.

“Would you rather just stay in LA?” Jared offered. He needed Jack in his comfort zone, otherwise he’d never talk.

“It doesn’t matter, I mean yeah,” Jack amended. “I know of this really cool sports bar. They have good food.”

“Sure let’s that. I’ll be leaving here soon.”

“Okay, I’ll text you the address and meet you there.”

“Alright,” Jared said as he hung up.

Jack turned off the TV and went about getting ready. Jared asking to hang out with him made him a little uneasy, but maybe Abby would appreciate it. And, if he ever wanted to at least be in Abby’s life, he’d have to get on her husband’s good side.

God, thinking about Abby having a husband was probably the weirdest thing in the world. He’d always imagined her married… to him of course, but then again he was young and naïve and thought he’s be with Abby forever.

He pulled on his leather jacket and locked up the apartment, heading to one of his regular spots.

***

Jared slid into the booth opposite Jack Barakat with a slight smile. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Jack answered, not really the least bit interested in his company. “So I’m getting a pitcher of beer, you good with that?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Jack called over the waitress and placed his drink order. “And then we’re gonna need a minute to look over the food options, but if you get that beer out here, that’d be great.”

The waitress rolled her eyes, smacking her gum as she scribbled down a couple of words and then walked away.

“Well, she didn’t seem very friendly,” Jared remarked.

“Yeah, no one here really is. Crappy service, but the food is top notch.” Jack shrugged. “And they have more drink selection than most places.”

“Right,” Jared trailed off. This was much more awkward than he’d anticipated. He wasn’t sure exactly where he wanted to start, but he figured he could start with small talk.

The aforementioned waitress returned with two glasses and a pitcher of beer, set them on the table and stood waiting for the two men to place an order. “What can I get you?”

“Let me have the double cheese bacon cheese burger with fries please,” Jared ordered.

“I’ll have the same,” Jack added and grinned at her as she left then looked back to Jared, wondering if he should start the conversation or if let him. “So where is Abby tonight?”

“Oh she was going to try to work on the centerpieces for the wedding or something. She’s taking advantage of the fact that Aimee’s here.”

“Yeah that’s probably a good idea, but isn’t that hard with a six month old?” Jack asked.

Jared nodded. “Yeah probably, but Abby likes taking care of her; it serves as a distraction from having to make decisions.”

“She really hates making decisions doesn’t she,” Jack laughed.

“Yup,” Jared agreed.

After that, conversation came easily. Jared asked questions about the band and how he liked working with Interscope. They discussed sports and the weather, LA, Santa Monica, and whatnot. Jared kept an eye on Jack’s alcohol consumption and began noticing the effects on Jack. He loosened up and seemed to be more comfortable.

“How about we order a couple of shots?” Jared suggested, to which Jack agreed. Jared knew this would take time but he hadn’t realized Jack’s alcohol tolerance was so high. It took six shots and another pitcher of beer before Jared decided Jack was relaxed enough to talk about Abby.

“So, how long have you known Abby?”

“Uh, let’s see about five years or so I think?” Jack answered happily. “It feels like forever though. We became friends our senior year of high school. She was stuck inside a locker.”

“Wow,” Jared laughed. “That’s hilarious.”

“You know it really was. My best friend Alex and I were walking down a deserted hallway after school and there was this banging on the door from this locker. We were confused as fuck until we heard someone speak. The best part was when Alex opened the door and she literally tumbled out. Cutest thing ever,” Jack recounted.

Jared smiled. This was going to work perfectly. Jack was volunteering information without even waiting for him to ask questions.

“She was always clumsy,” Jack added, taking another drink of his beer. “She doesn’t seem to be much anymore, but back then I was always scared she’d break something.”

“Yeah, she still has her moments,” Jared chuckled. “So you two dated right?”

Jack looked up at him, blinking several times. “Yeah we did. We were together for two and a half years. Best years of my life.”

Jared didn’t miss how Jack’s voice lowered significantly at the end there. He could tell he was in for quite a story. “What happened then?”

Jack sat up a little straighter, trying to get a grip. What were they talking about? How’d the subject turn to Abby so quickly? He didn’t know why he was pouring his heart out to his ex’s fiancée, but he couldn’t really stop his mouth from running.

Jared watched Jack, not sure if he was drunk enough for this. There seemed to be hesitation and Jack looked like he was trying to think hard. Lucky for Jared, Jack was an honest drunk.

“We always fought, so much, all the time. And then I cheated on her.” Jack made a face. “Then she cheated on me,” Jack chuckled darkly.

Jared stared at the man in front of him quite surprised with this turn of events. His fiancée had cheated. No wonder she never said anything, she was probably embarrassed.

“Worst part was she cheated on me with my best friend, Alex. Shouldn’t have been a big surprise though, my first girlfriend cheated on me with Alex too.”

“That’s rough, man.” Jared nodded, feeling a little guilty as he watched Jack replay that part of his life. He seemed so sad.

“I would’ve married her, you know?” Jack confessed. “I loved her so much. We both fucked up, we could’ve made it work if she hadn’t run away. I already had our life planned out. We were going to get married, move into a house in Baltimore, have kids, the whole nine yards…”

Jack trailed off, his eyes shiny with tears. Jared looked down, not able to bare watching Jack start to crumble before him. This was more than he had expected, much, much more.

“Are you still in love with her?” Jared asked, already knowing the answer.

Jack looked up at him, letting his shoulders drop. “I’m always going to be in love with her. She was and still is everything to me. That’s why I’m in LA instead of Baltimore.”

Jared inhaled, sitting back against the booth. Well shit, his fiancée’s ex was pining after her. She had to know that he was. Jared was sure Abby knew deep down inside that Jack was here because of her.

Jared frowned to himself, Jack’s attention already on something else. Did Abby still love Jack or have feelings for him the same way Jack did?

***

Aimee had fallen asleep on the couch about an hour ago and had left me with the task of cleaning up all the sand. It was quite a bit of work, but I finished before nine and managed to make everything look presentable. I surveyed her and Aimee’s work; simple, long cylindrical glass vases filled with sand and seashells. Aimee, being artistic and all, had hand painted each vase. I had to admit that they came out quite nicely.

As I was packing away the vases in boxes, I heard cries coming from mine and Jared’s room. Emily was awake. I quickly went to her and picked up the tiny six-month old, rocking her back and forth. I had never really cared for kids, but something changed the moment I laid eyes on my niece. It was amazing. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, and honestly, it sort of surprised me how easily I’d adjusted to having a baby in the family.

“Hey there princess, Aunt Abby’s got you. What’s the matter, you hungry?” I asked the infant. Emily simply cooed and squirmed around until she was comfortable again and started falling asleep. I smiled down at the baby in my arms and suddenly wondered if this would be normal for me in a couple of years. I was getting married after all; the next step after marriage was starting a family. Jared liked kids anyway.

Jack had always wanted kids, three or maybe four of them.

I mentally scolded myself for even thinking about Jack. I shouldn’t be. However, as I sat in the recliner in the living area across from Aimee, I couldn’t help but remember the few dreams I’d had and wonder if they would’ve become real if I hadn’t run away. They probably would’ve.

Jack and I would’ve stayed in Baltimore, maybe bought a house in the outer lying areas of the city. Perhaps it would’ve been a small house with a white picket fence, with a nice back yard maybe. We’d have a dog or two, to keep me company while Jack was away. Eventually we’d have kids of our own, a boy first hopefully, and then a girl. Joyce and Bassam would’ve been the perfect grandparents, so would my parents, but for some reason I felt more inclined to favor the Barakats.

I smiled ruefully, sighing as I daydreamed. Jack and I could’ve been so happy. I’d never stop wondering what if, I realized. All I’d ever do in life was wonder what could have been with Jack. I loved Jared, but it wasn’t the same way I loved Jack. I wasn’t sure if it was just because he’d been my first real love, or maybe I was just so obsessed with the past that I convinced myself that I was still in love with him.

“You’re thinking too hard. I can smell your hair burning.” Aimee interrupted my thoughts, startling me.

“I didn’t realize you were awake,” I smiled at her. “Emily woke up but went right back to sleep.”

Aimee returned the smile. “Oh good, I hadn’t heard her. Thanks.”
My sister sat up and stretched, stifling a yawn. “So what are you thinking about?”

I sighed, trying to figure out how to make myself sound less like an infatuated teenager and more like a normal person. There really wasn’t a way to do that, so I settled for the truth. “Jack.”

Aimee frowned. “Why?”

“Just thinking about what my life would’ve been like. Jack and I could’ve been really happy, you know?”

“Oh honey, that’s not healthy,” Aimee sighed. “Are you still in love with him?”

“I think a part of me will always love Jack Barakat,” I answered honestly. “But we’re like fire and gasoline. We get together and everything explodes.”

“You’re different now, so is he. I dare say you’ve both matured. Maybe it would be different?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Our friendship is strained. A relationship would be even harder. I can’t even entertain that idea, Ames. I’m engaged; to a very wonderful man, I might add,” I stated.

“Then why is it that you’re envisioning your life with Jack and not the man you’re supposed to marry? Are you even sure you want to marry Jared at all? I feel like you’re just… just settling. Like you think you’re never going to be able to move on so this is the best option.” Aimee locked her eyes with mine.

“I just don’t know what I want anymore, Ames. I think about Jared and he makes me happy, but there’s always this little voice in my head that makes me wonder about Jack. How he’s doing, if he’s happy, if he’s moved on, if he’s alone, and it just consumes me. I don’t know if I still love him enough to risk everything I have,” I confessed.

“This is all my life will ever be, isn’t it?” I asked my sister, “a question of what if?”

It was the first time I’d said it aloud, let alone to another human being. The idea that I’d never be truly happy left a sour taste in my mouth. Aimee didn’t know what to say, she simply gave me a sympathetic smile and stood, walking over to me.

“I don’t know, Abs. But I don’t think you should do anything you’re not completely, one hundred percent sure about. I think you really need to think about life and your choices and do what you want. Whatever it is that makes you happy.”

Aimee squeezed my shoulder and then gently took Emily out of my arms. “I’m heading back to the hotel and my husband. You have a lot to think about. I love you, and no matter what happens, I will always love you and support you.”

“Thanks, Ames. I love you too.” I hugged her and gathered her things. “I appreciate your help, with everything,” I added.

“Anytime,” she replied as she stepped out the door.

I grabbed my phone and threw myself on the couch, turning on the TV. MTV was doing a special on All Time Low. Of course they would. I sighed, but continued to watch anyway. They’d come a long way, that much was for sure.

Time flew by and before I knew it, it was nearing midnight and Jared still hadn’t come home. I was about to text him when the door opened and Jared walked in, half carrying half dragging a very drunk Jack into my living room.

“Oh my god, what’s going on?” I asked Jared as I stood from my spot.

“He’s fine, just had a little too much to drink, so I figured it was safer to have him crash here than anywhere else,” Jared answered. He laid Jack out on the couch where I’d just been sitting.

“Where did you find him?” I asked, confused.

“We were hanging out at a dinner and had a few drinks… well, he had more than a few,” Jared chuckled.

“You were hanging out?” I asked. I couldn’t process what he was saying.

“Yeah, I figured since he was a good friend of yours and we’re getting married that I should get to know him.”

“That’s just brilliant. Maybe I should call up Samantha and invite her to a sleepover!” I challenged. What the hell was he doing?

“That would be brilliant,” Jared mocked. “Why are you so upset?”

“Because you went behind my back and hung out with my ex-boyfriend!” I hissed.

“Because you failed to mention that he was an integral part of your life!” Jared shot back.

“Because I didn’t think it was a big deal!” I snapped.

“You’re always talking to him, it is a big deal!”

“It’s not! He’s a close friend, that’s it.”

“Abby, he’s still in love with you!” Jared shouted. “He’s here because of you.”

I stopped short, all the anger vanished. “What?”

“He told me he’s still in love with you. He would’ve married you, still probably would given the chance. I don’t know about you, but that bothers me.” Jared let out a breath.

“I… we’re just friends, Jared. That’s it,” I replied quietly.

“You might say that, but he still loves you, and I worry that maybe you still have pretty strong feelings for him. You’ve always been very aware of him. At first, I thought it was just because you guys were good friends and he was a member of your favorite band. But then I realized, once you finally admitted he was your ex, that maybe it had to do with the fact that he was your first real love. You don’t see yourself when he’s part of the conversation; you become more alert, more invested in what’s going on. And from what little you had told me before about this one relationship in particular, you regret it’s failure the most,” Jared stated.

“Jared, I will always care about Jack,” I began, might as well tell him the truth. “Unfortunately, I’ve come to the realization that he will always be with me. He was a very important part of my life. I love you, I do, but I’ll never just forget about him. And I don’t ever want to lose him as a friend.”

“I get that,” Jared nodded. “I do understand that, but how am I supposed to feel knowing that you care about him and continue to have him in your life? It’s not something I’m comfortable with.”

“Jared nothing would ever happen with him,” I said, turning to look at Jack.

“Isn’t that what you had thought about Alex?”

I froze, turned slowly to face my fiancée and cleared my throat. “He told you about that?”

Jared nodded. “Yeah, he did. You both cheated on each other, without meaning to. Flirting with temptation isn’t wise. And that’s why I don’t want you to be friends with your ex.”

“I was young, stupid, and drunk. I’m not like that anymore. I would never do that now, Jared.”

“It could happen, Abigail, don’t act like it’s something so far fetched. I’m entitled to worry about it.”

I couldn’t believe this. It was so much like one of mine and Jack’s fight so long ago, when he wanted me to quit being friends with Tyler. “I’m not going to stop being friends with him.”

Jared frowned. “You’d risk our relationship to keep your friendship with him?”

“Jared, please don’t make this bigger than it needs to be. I don’t want to fight.” I pleaded.

“I think you should seriously think about what you want, because it’s clear that you don’t really know,” Jared told me, much like Aimee had earlier.

He left me standing in the middle of our living room, with Jack passed out on the couch. I sighed and grabbed the cover that I kept draped over the recliner and covered Jack before following Jared into our room. I went about my nightly routine of washing my face and brushing my teeth and hair. Jared was asleep by the time I got to bed. I lay next to him and stared at the red numbers from the clock on my nightstand.

What did I really want?