The Way We Talk

“We’re officially done tracking!” Jimmy announced. The room erupted in cheers and high fives. Honestly, it was nice to finally be finished with the album. Hopefully, all their hard work would pay off. There were still a few things left to do, but the most important part was finished. My role was finished.

Even though I knew the time I had left with my friends was limited, I’d still spent the past two weeks avoiding any and all contact with Jack. He did the same, so it wasn’t all that hard. I’d tried to ignore my new revelation, but it was especially difficult when I was on a computer, near a television, or even listening to the radio.

It seemed that ever since his E! appearance, the entire fourteen-year-old population was in chaos. My twitter was blowing up with questions on how I felt about ‘Jolly’, did he cheat on me with her, were we in some sort of thee-way relationship?

I almost burst into laughter at that one, a three-way relationship, really? I was curious as to whether Jack would address the situation over twitter, so of course I stalked his page. But, of course there wasn’t anything online. The only things I could see were some of Holly’s replies to him. Some of the messages between them made my stomach churn, they were so nauseatingly sweet.

My own relationship was suffering, I knew that but I wasn’t completely bothered by it.

“Abby, uh… earth to Abby,” Alex waved a hand in front of my face. I jumped in surprise, not realizing I was in a day dream.

“What?” I asked, shaking my head and clearing thoughts of Holly Madison and my ex.

“I asked you if you wanted to come celebrate with us. We’re all going to dinner,” Alex invited.

“Oh… I have plans,” I started, but was interrupted by Zack.

“Don’t pull the old ‘I have too many things to do’ bullshit. We all know you spend your evenings on your couch watching reality TV with a glass of wine when you’re feeling risky. One night out with friends isn’t going to hurt,” Zack challenged.

I smiled at him guiltily. “Fine… I guess I can go,” I conceded, avoiding Jack’s face.

We cleared out the studio and ended up in some swanky bar and pub at a large table. Alex had informed me at the last minute that Lisa would be joining us. I hadn’t seen her in over a year since the big debacle at the Barakats’, and I was afraid to see what would happen tonight. I was seated across from Jack and Alex, in between Rian and Zack. I avoided all eye contact with Jack while the boys idly chit-chatted about the record. I was taking a sip from my glass, my eyes scanning the doorway when the left side door opened and in strode Lisa Ruocco, my ex best friend.

There’s this weird thing that we people tend to do when someone we love abandons us. We expect them to show the amount of pain our absence has caused in some way; for us women, we usually like to see the effects on the other’s physical appearance. I’d hoped that Lisa would look the same, if not worse. But no, she sashayed in, gorgeous as ever and looking every bit a like a model.

I swallowed the big gulp of water I’d taken and rubbed my sweaty palms on my lap. I hadn’t realized that I was bouncing my leg until Rian’s hand appeared on my knee giving me a squeeze for reassurance and a small warning to stop fidgeting.

“Hey guys,” Lisa greeted the boys. “Hello, Abigail.” She gave me a slight nod as she sat next to Alex and kissed him.

“H-hi Lisa,” I stammered back. At least she was being civil, I could do civil. The boys went back to their conversations in an attempt to ignore the awkward tension.

“How’ve you been?” Lisa asked once she was settled in her seat. I must’ve looked like a deer in the headlights because she backtracked and explained why she was curious. “Well, I mean it’s been like, what, two years since we last spoke?”

I nodded profusely. “Uh, yeah, yeah… two years, yes, I’ve been fine. I work at Interscope, obviously… and I live here…” I point to the table. “Well, I mean not here, here. I don’t live under a table. I mean I live in this city, I live here.”

At this point, the boys had turned their attention to the blabbering idiot seated with them and were trying to figure out what would happen next.

Lisa stared at me with this incomprehensible look before she began chuckling. “Oh my god, Abby, you’re still the same old socially awkward person I met in high school.” She smiled sincerely, the kind she used to give me when we were friends. I blushed and smiled back at her as the guys started a new conversion, pleased that the bomb was diffused.

“I missed you,” I told her quietly, reaching a hand across the table to her.

“I missed you, too,” she replied, reaching a hand of her own to meet mine. “We’re okay.”

Those two simple words made me sigh in relief. She’d finally forgiven me, after everything that had happened, she’d put it past her. I grinned and she started telling me everything I’d missed in the past two years. She was a part time model, and was working on an internship doing what she loved. I couldn’t think of anything better for her.

“So, I heard that you found out about… you-know-who in the worst way possible,” Lisa brought up the sore subject. I crossed my arms and sat back in my chair.

“Uh, I really don’t know why you’re bringing up Voldemort at this moment in time,” I shrugged, glancing at Jack slightly before focusing on Lisa’s face.

Lisa rolled her eyes at me. “You know what I’m talking about, and you’ve never been a good liar. But I’ll drop it.” Lisa grinned. “For now,” she added.

I ate in silence, attempting to check into the conversation every once in a while. Mostly though, I was trying to ignore the way Jack kept checking his phone every five minutes and smiling. I poked my fork into another stuffed mushroom as a large grin crossed Jack’s face again; he looked so happy. I wondered if I ever made him that happy. Did he smile that way when I would text him?

I watched as he replied quickly. Suddenly, he looked up and met my gaze. The buzz and hum around the room quieted down and in that moment, only Jack and I existed. I felt eighteen again, in love with the boy I couldn’t have.

I missed Jack so much.

I swallowed audibly and somehow, in the shock of what my mind revealed to me, managed to hit my glass of water and spilled the entire thing in my lap. I let out a yelp as the cold water seeped through the thin fabric of my dress.

“Oh crap!” I jumped and tried to dry myself off with a napkin. I looked up at Jack, then around the table at my friends who had matching expressions of alarm. Then Jack started laughing. Thoroughly mortified and scared of my own epiphany, I took off to the restroom.

I stood in front of the sink staring at myself in the mirror. I had a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend. I missed my chance already. So why did I miss Jack so much?

Lisa’s reflection appeared behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so instead I just shook my head, staring into the drain of the sink.

“I know you miss him, and I know that the fact that you miss him is freaking you out, but you have to calm down,” Lisa spoke. “It’s not a huge deal.”

I looked up, staring at her. “Lisa, I have a boyfriend who I care about. I can’t pretend that I’m in high school again and in love with my best friend. It’s over, and it hurts, just like it did back then. I thought I’d moved on and found someone that I could start new with, but all I can think is, he’s not Jack. It is a huge deal because I can’t just think of myself. I have to think about everyone else. I can’t hurt people the way I did before. You hated me for so long, I lost my two best girlfriends, the one guy I thought I’d be with forever, and friends I had only dreamed of having, all because I was selfish.”

Lisa stared at me, probably unsure of what to say. I sighed and leaned against the counter.

“Then, get over it. Stop acting like you’re in high school, accept that you’re both in new relationships and quit obsessing. You’re only hurting yourself,” Lisa told me. She didn’t mean for it to sound so cold, but it was the truth.

“He kissed me.”

Lisa stared at me again. This was becoming her new thing. “He did what?”

“He kissed me. Two weeks ago, I drove him home and we talked and were jamming out. Then when I dropped him off, he kissed me.”

“Like, on the cheek?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah Lis, on the cheek. I’m freaking out about a kiss on the cheek.”

“Well I have to ask,” Lisa said, crossing her arms. “Wow. He kissed you.”

“We both agreed that we shouldn’t have, but it happened. I’ve been ignoring him since.”

“Well that’s not helpful.”

“I know it’s not, but it’s been the only way to keep out of trouble,” I explained.

“You guys just love being complique,” Lisa smirked. “Wait, what about this boyfriend? You failed to mention him the entire evening.”

I sighed as I grabbed paper towels and started working on drying off my dress. “His name is Jared. He’s signed with Interscope, that’s how we met. We’ve been together for about a year and a half.”

Lisa raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, walking toward the mirror to fix her makeup. “Wow, a year and a half. That’s a long time. So, do you love him?”

It took me a while to answer because I wasn’t really sure. I definitely felt strongly for Jared. I once said I loved him, but nowadays, it seemed like maybe those feelings were fading away. But that could just be because I hadn’t seen him in a while, and Jack was around. That had to be it.

I took a deep breath. “I do. I love Jared. I just haven’t seen him in a while and Jack’s here. That’s all it is. I’m not falling out of love with my boyfriend; I’m just using Jack as a replacement.”

Lisa smiled slightly. “If that’s what lets you sleep at night, Abby.”

I gave her a look as I stood holding the bottom of my dress under the hand dryer.

“I’m kidding. You’re totally right. You’re just using Jack to hold you over until you see your knight in shining armor. It’s natural to have a crush just to change things up,” Lisa waved a hand dismissively.

“Yeah, exactly, no big deal,” I agreed. I decided that my dress was dry enough and motioned to Lisa that I was ready.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I still think you and Jack have unresolved issues and should have a sit down and talk about it.”

“Thanks, Lisa. But no, that isn’t a good idea,” I said, ending our conversation as we exited the ladies’ room and returned to our table. Jack looked up apologetically as the other guys welcomed me back.

“Still good old clumsy Abby,” Rian grinned. “You’re the best.”

I smiled and shrugged. “I sometimes forget who I am. These moments serve to remind me.”

Alex grinned and lifted his beer to me. “Here’s to hoping you’re always reminded.”

“I can drink to that!” I grabbed a glass of wine and drank half of it, trying to put the conversation Lisa and I had had in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to be plagued all night with thoughts of Jack.

My phone buzzed on the table and Rian looked at the screen, grinning. “Oooh, Abby’s lover is calling,” he teased.

I blushed as I went to grab my phone. “Shut up, guys!”

I slid my finger across the unlock screen. “Hello?”

“Hey babe,”

“Jared, hey. I was just… h-how are you?” I moved away from the group. “Where are you?”

“I’m just hanging around with the guys, had a good show today.” Jared replied.

“That’s great,” I said as I wound through the crowded room until I was outside.

“What are you doing?” Jared asked me. The temperature was dropping slightly; not quite cold, but not quite warm, either, surprising seeing as it was near the end of July and it shouldn’t be cooling down this much yet.

“Oh, I was just having dinner with the band. We called a wrap today,” I answered. I turned back to look in through the window at my friends. They were all laughing and carrying on. I smiled automatically; seeing them happy made me happy. Jared would love them, I thought. “When you come home, I’ll have to introduce you to them.”

“Yeah, that would be great. I’d like to see who’s been taking care of my girl while I’ve been gone.” I could almost visualize him grinning.

“Oh please, I can take care of myself,” I chuckled. I caught Jack’s eyes as he stood and grabbed my jacket. He began making his way to the door.

“Well, as good as that is to know, I still worry. Anyway, what time you gonna be home?”

Jack joined me out side and draped my sweater around me. I mouthed a thank you to him before answering Jared. “Uh, I’m not sure, probably in about an hour or two. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Jared replied. “Well, I’ll let you go. Have fun and get home safe.”

“Thanks babe,” I told him. “I love you.”

Jack stood off to the side, trying not to eavesdrop, but I knew he couldn’t help but hear.

“I love you too. Goodnight.”

I hung up the phone and slipped it into the pocket. Jack had one foot perched up against the wall, his hands in his pockets. I took a deep breath as I took a few steps toward him.

“Uh… thank you for bringing my sweater.” I pulled on the hem of the clothing to add emphasis.

Jack nodded, but didn’t say anything. We stood in awkward silence for a few moments before Jack finally said something. “So, I guess it’s kind of time to talk about some stuff now…”

“Did Lisa put you up to this?” I asked.

“Lisa? What does this have to do with Lisa?” Jack questioned.

“Never mind,” I shrugged. “Just forget it. You don’t owe me an explanation. Who you see is not my business, and I don’t care,” I lied. I hoped I’d lied well enough that he’d drop the subject and let me go back inside.

“Oh, you don’t care? That’s interesting because you’ve been avoiding me for two weeks like we’re in high school again,” Jack accused.

“If I remember correctly, Jack, it was you who used to ignore and avoid me in high school,” I challenged.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you obviously care a little bit because it bothers you.”

“It doesn’t bother me. You can screw Holly Madison all you want. I. Don’t. Care.” I stood up a little taller and glared at him.

Jack looked at me condescendingly. “Do you forget that we were together for more than two years?”

“What are you talking about?” I crossed my arms.

“I know when you’re lying, Abigail. We were fucking close. I fucking knew you better than anyone else - ”

I cut him off. “Yeah, that’s right. You knew me, past tense. I’ve changed in the past two years, just as much as you have. We’re strangers, Jack, and trying to act like we’re still friends obviously isn’t working. To answer you stupid question, no, I haven’t forgotten that we were together. How could I?” I could feel my eyes watering. “You were everything to me, but that is also past tense. I have a boyfriend who I love, I don’t need you.”

“Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?” Jack asked. “Because right now, you sure do look a lot like the old Abby who told me she loved me and always would.”

I stared at him. “Why are you making this so complicated? Why are you trying to ruin me?”

“I’m not trying to ruin you,” Jack said.

“Really? Because you’re not doing a good job of letting this go,” I motioned to each of us. “It’s been two years, Jack.”

Jack stared at me, trying to find a weak point in my reasoning, but it wasn’t there. I was right. It had been two years, we were different people and we had significant others. We just weren’t going to be together and we each had to face the music.

“You’re right,” Jack rubbed the back of his neck. “So then, what do we do?”

“What do you mean what do we do?” I asked. “We’re done. Recording, I mean. We aren’t going to be working together anymore. This, this is it.”

Jack looked down, opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again.

I sighed. “You are going to go and have fun being in love with Holly,” I told him. “And I’m going to go home and have fun being in love with Jared. We’re each other’s past, but we’re obviously not each other’s future anything.”

Jack scoffed. “It’s not that simple.”

“Why isn’t it?” I asked, waiting for an explanation.

“It’s just not,” Jack answered. He pushed himself off the wall and walked back inside. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and followed soon after. I sat at the table, quietly once again rethinking my entire life.

The rest of the evening passed me in a blur. I didn’t even notice that everyone was leaving until Lisa tapped my shoulder.

“Hey, we’re leaving,” she said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just got a lot on my mind,” I replied. She looked at me apologetically.

“Call me, we’ll talk, okay?” She asked. “I still have the same number.”

I nodded and was about to step out and join everyone else when I turned to face her. “I told him that we had to face the fact that we’re never going to be together, and he said it wasn’t that simple.”

Lisa sighed. “He’s always got to make things complicated. Why isn’t it simple?”

“I don’t know, but that’s what he said and walked away. I don’t know what he wants me to say, I don’t know what I want him to say. I just know that now I have no clue how I feel about anything.”

“I’m so sorry, Abby,” Lisa hugged me. “It’ll all straighten itself out.”

“Yeah, I hope so.” I lamented. “I still care for him, Lisa…”

“I know you do honey and I wish I could help, but all I can do is be here for you.”

“That’s more help than you even know,” I told her, gently smiling.

We joined the guys outside who were all hailing cabs. Jack was off to the side, his ear pressed to his cell phone. I tried to ignore him, but I couldn’t when I heard him huff in annoyance. “You said you’d come visit… yeah okay. It’s fine… I’m sorry… I understand… yeah, yeah.”

I turned my back to him and waited for a moment before deciding that I’d rather walk. “Hey guys, I’m just going to walk home. It’s not too far.”

Rian and Zack looked at me like I was crazy. “Abby, it’s too dark. It’s dangerous,” Rian said. Zack nodded in agreement.

Alex had his arm wrapped around Lisa’s shoulder, turning his head to listen to me and Rian. He turned Lisa and himself around to face me. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to walk home. I agree with Rian here.”

“Yeah, we can just share a cab. It’s not that hard to drop you off at your place,” Lisa said, nodding along with Alex.

“I will be fine you guys,” I sighed.

Jack finally joined us all on the sidewalk. “If she wants to walk, just let her. It’s not like she’s twelve.”

“Thank you! See I’ll be fine,” I told them. Reluctantly, they finally let me go.

“I’ll call you when I get there Lis,” I addressed a doubtful looking Lisa. She nodded and hugged me. I said my goodbyes to everyone before I turned to see Jack. He looked at me, before nodding and walking past me to the cab that had just pulled up. I sighed, gave an unenthusiastic wave and began my trek home.

I can’t say I thought about everything that had happened, but really all I did was think of nothing. I just walked and it helped actually. I was calm by the time I reached my apartment building. I climbed the steps instead of taking the elevator just to prolong my walk, but finally I was in front of my door. I slid the house key in and turned, hearing the lock click and open the door.

“Surprise!”

I screamed and almost fell on my butt from fright. My heart slowed to its regular rate when I realized Jared was there.

“Jared? Oh my god!” I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.

“I missed you too,” Jared chuckled. He held me for a while before I finally detached myself from him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, grinning.

“I thought that I’d surprise you with a visit.” Jared smiled at me and kissed me.

“Well, then consider me surprised,” I laughed, returning his kiss. I was genuinely happy to see him, which made me feel better.

Jared smiled and ruffled my hair. “Okay, well this was just part one of the surprise.”

“There’s more?” I asked incredulously.

Jared nodded and pulled me to the bedroom. Of course, I assumed he wanted to sleep with me, so I was pretty distracted, trying to kiss him more, but once he entered the room and I looked around, I stopped. My room was filled with balloons and flowers, the dresser and nightstands all held lit candles. I gasped, shocked. I looked back at Jared and then ventured into the room further.

“What is all this?” I asked wonderstruck.

“Well,” Jared began, sitting me down on the bed. “I got to thinking a lot about you and I this tour. All I could think of was how much I missed you and how I wished you were able to come on tour with me, which made me realize that I am completely, one-hundred percent in love with you, Abby Stone. I can’t really imagine my life without you, and I don’t ever want to know what it’s like.”

I stared at Jared, completely speechless.

“I love you more than I have ever loved anybody else, and I want to love you forever,” Jared said. “So, do you love me?”

I felt a sensation of déjà vu and saw Jack and myself in that small motel room almost three years ago when he asked me the same question. I didn’t trust myself to speak so I nodded. Jared smiled sweetly at me, got down on one knee and produced a small velvet box from his pocket. I was pretty sure I’d stopped breathing at this point.

“I’d hoped you’d say that. I really do love you, Abby. So will you marry me?”

I stared at the ring in the box with wide eyes. I could feel my heart fighting its way out of my ribcage, and my hands starting to sweat. Holy shit, Jared just proposed to me. He wanted to marry me. Oh my god. Why hadn’t I answered? He was still smiling, but I could tell it was beginning to falter with my lack of response. I loved him, right? So what was I waiting for?

“Yes,” I whispered, hugging him tightly. “Oh my god, yes.”

There were tears in my eyes, tears of joy, but still, they were there. Jared sighed in relief and took the ring out of the box and slipped it on my ring finger on my left hand. I finally got a good look at the ring he’d picked. It was gorgeous; a pear shaped diamond on a split band with small round diamond accents. It sparkled even in the dim lighting.

“Oh my god, Jared it’s beautiful, but oh my god. It’s so…. It looks so expensive,” I breathed.

“It was my grandmothers, actually. So it was passed down to me.” Jared patted my hand. “It’s a perfect fit. That’s good.” He grinned and got up, pulling me with him.

“I love you,” I told him. “I love you.”

Jared grinned and hugged me to him. I hadn’t noticed that he’d started playing music and we danced slowly in a small circle in my bedroom. I felt lighthearted and couldn’t stop smiling against his shoulder. But there was still an odd sensation in the pt of my stomach that reminded me that I was just the tiniest bit disappointed that Jack hadn’t been the one to pop the question.