Beautiful Things

“Hi,” Reid said, grinning crookedly as he stood in the doorway.

I leaned against the door to keep my balance. It was different now that he was really standing in front of me. I felt like since I last saw him we had changed so much. He was wearing a purple dress shirt tucked in and his black RayBans were hooked onto his collar. I didn’t know what to say, so I stepped back to let him in.

“You cleaned up,” he noted aloud, looking around my place.

I nodded as I closed the door and stood beside him. “You can actually see the floor now.”

Reid stifled a laugh and turned to look at me. We faced each other, slightly awkwardly. I looked around the room at anything, avoiding eye contact as best as I could. I knew I was obvious, but I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.

Reid was staring at me, I could feel it. I was scared he was going to notice every flaw on my face, like how my eyebrows needed plucking or the obnoxious pimple on my chin.

“Can you look at me?” he asked softly.

I didn’t say anything, but I did look at him as best as I could. I folded my arms across my chest. I heard somewhere that it was a protective stance, and I wasn’t sure why I was protecting myself. It was only Reid. He placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Megan,” he began, “Please take that job offer.”

I pulled away from him, letting his hand slip off my shoulder and fall to his side. He opened his mouth to say something, but shut it as I glared at him. I propped myself up against the wall, tilting my head back to it. I banged my head once.

“Stop,” Reid demanded. “Why are you doing that?”

“If I take that job—”

“Then what, Megan?” Reid cut me off, “The world isn’t going to end. I know you’ve been waiting for this your whole life.”

“I don’t know if it’s what I want anymore,” I confessed.

“How could you doubt it?”

“Because,” I mumbled, “things are different now.”

A long pause followed. Maybe it wasn’t as long as it felt like, a few seconds at most, but my god, did it feel like hours. “We’re going in circles,” he stated quietly.

There were so many things that I wanted to say. I wanted to blurt them all out, and I was somewhat afraid that I would out of pure spontaneity. It was one of those moments where you had so much to say, but for some reason, you just couldn’t say it. I wasn’t sure why. They were only words. They were a certain string of words that would put me at my most vulnerable, but still words.

“Why did you come here?” I finally asked, gaining more confidence, letting the adrenaline flow through my veins. “Why did you want to see me if you were just going to turn me away?”

“It’d be selfish of me to tell you to forget about the job offer,” he retorted calmly. I knew he could tell I was slowly losing my patience. “I thought I could convince you to take it in person.”

“Fuck the job offer,” I scoffed, “I’m so sick of everything being about the job offer!”

“Everything is about the job offer, don’t you understand?” he reminded me.

“All I understand is that I pick you over it every time.”

And there was one of the things I couldn’t say, but it was said. It had come out. It was too late to take it back. The words floated in the air, and no matter how quick I was, I could never catch them and shove them back down my throat. They were said, and they were said for good.

Reid paused again. He stared at me, long and hard. I wanted to look away, possibly crawl under my blankets and hide. I was head of the police; I was cool, calm, and collected. Or at least I was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to show my weakness or fear or desperation to hold on to the little we had. I knew I felt something and it was a million times better than any job, and I broke every rule of a successful woman by confessing it.

“Please don’t,” he asked of me, “I don’t want to part of this mistake.”

“You don’t like me, do you?” I asked, keeping my head down, scared of meeting his eyes. If I did, it would just be that much more painful when he said no.

“I do like you,” he replied quickly, “I like you a lot, Meg, but you need to do what’s best for you.”

“Right, of course, take the easy way out. You don’t really believe that.”

“Fine. Truth is, I don’t want you to take it. I know that when you do take it, this isn’t going to be allowed, but I also know that if you don’t take it, you’re going to hate yourself later.”

I was dumbfounded. I never thought I would actually hear Reid tell me he didn’t want me to take this job. It was constant stubbornness, not letting his guard down in the slightest, yet here it crumbled in a few seconds. I couldn’t believe I had worn him down, but I was glad. Neither of us had to pretend like that job was a good thing.

“So what now?” I asked, just to fill the silence. I didn’t want to be so distant from him. Sure, we were hardly even across the room from each other, less than a few feet, but it felt like there was a canyon that fell in between. And emotionally, I couldn’t be more detached.

“You tell me.”

“I’ll take that job offer, because I know you think it’s best for me,” I assured him sincerely, “And then I can see you every day, too.”

Reid laughed. He stepped closer towards me, closing the space. I slouched against the wall, typical me when I got nervous. He bit his lip and I had seen this before. He leaned in to kiss me, and I let him. It was a soft yet passionate peck that left me wanting more, but I couldn’t have more. It wasn’t allowed.

“Why did you do that?” I giggled, feeling my checks getting hot and my blushing almost uncontrollable. If I was blushing a lot when he called me beautiful in the dress shop, then this was insane. I didn’t really want to know the answer as to why he kissed me, because part of me already knew, but I wasn’t sure why he would act on it.

“Slow down there, Megan,” he replied, “The FBI hasn’t hired you yet.”