& Sometimes Life Isn't Fair but I Will Always Love You

No one knew what was wrong. Not me, not my parents, not Brandon’s parents, the only people that knew what was happening were the doctors and nurses in the hospital room with him.

Tragedy brings people closer, and that’s exactly what happened as Brandon’s father held his mother, his mother holding tightly onto my hand as I cried into my mother’s chest, not knowing what was going to happen, praying to God to let him live, not to take him, to let him stay with me.

But praying doesn’t always work, I learned, when the doctor came out to talk to us, wringing his hands in nervousness, a sad frown on his lips, and small tears in his eyes.

I knew that the nursing and doctor staff here had become very close to Brandon, on account of all the times he had spent here, but I didn’t realize just how close they had gotten. How much they began to love him, too.

The doctor walked over to us, all huddling together, as if numbers would help us to fight against this plague, cancer.

He sighed; a long depressing sigh.

I just stared at him, a scream making its way up my throat, wanting him to talk to us. Tell us what was happening. Him just sitting here wasn’t doing anything, and I couldn’t read him. I didn’t know what to think of the situation, and I desperately needed him to tell me.

“Brandon’s body has given up.”

One simple sentence, a sentence that only held five words in it, but could slice right through a heart. Could tear a life so completely apart, and cut someone to the bone.

An animalistic cry made its way out of Mrs. Tarak’s mouth, a sound that said pain and grief, a sound I never wanted to hear again.

“G-Given up?” I seemed to be the only one who could speak.

“His body has stopped fighting, stopped trying to fight the cancer. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing more that we can do. There are no more treatments; right now we have a machine that is keeping him alive. You can all go in and say goodbye to him, but you may want to make it fast. We aren’t sure how much longer he’ll be coherent.” With that the doctor got up to walk away, leaving us with a lot to think about.

“U-Uhm,” I whispered out, my voice hoarse. “Mrs. and Mr. Tarak, you can go see him first, I’ll be waiting outside the door for my turn.” I whispered, “But right now I need to go calm down.” I said, almost inaudibly, quickly excusing myself and rushing to the bathroom.

I slammed open the bathroom door and rushed to the sink, turning on the cold water and splashing my face, hoping to wake up and pretend like none of this had never had happened. Pretend that Brandon wasn’t sick, and that we were back to our date in the twinkling gazebo. I wanted to wake up and be at the gazebo, in his arms, I wanted Brandon not to cough up blood, not to have white tubes in his chest, not want him to be fucking dieing!

A sob made its way up and out of my throat as I fell to the floor in agony, wrapping my arms securely around myself, and weeping.

Before I could let it go to far, though, a nurse found me in the restroom.

“Oh, honey,” she said, sitting beside me on the floor and wrapping her arms around me. It was one of Brandon’s nurses. She knew. “Honey, you need to stop crying. I know it hurts but right now Brandon needs you more than ever. Imagine how scared he is. He doesn’t need his last minutes on earth feeling the pain that the girl he loves is feeling. He needs to see you happy, so that he will remember you that way forever. You need to march in there and kiss him, tell him you love him, and comfort him, because as much as it is hurting you right now, and as much comfort that you need, he needs double that, sweetie.”

A whimper made its way out of my mouth as I realized she was right. I tried to nod, and stand up, my legs wobbled so the nurse helped me to stand. Soon after she left, knowing that I would do what she said.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Eyes red rimmed and bloodshot, face puffy and blotched. I didn’t even look at my hair, knowing it would be a disaster.

I sighed.

“Alayna. Be strong for him.” I whispered to myself, trying to make my voice stronger.

Knowing that it would probably be my time to talk to him soon, I quickly splashed my face with water once more, ran my hands through my hair, and looked in the mirror.

“You can do this.”

Sure enough Mr. and Mrs. Tarak were just making their way out of Brandon’s room as I walked up.

I nodded at them and walked in the door, moving to stand next to him.

He smiled up at me, he was weak, but he was there.

“Hey baby.” He whispered hoarsely to me.

“Hey” I whispered back, smiling at him and biting my lip to stop myself from crying.

Without another word, I did what the nurse had told me to do. I marched over to him, bent down and kissed him fully on the lips, letting the kiss go farther than it should in his health state.

I leaned back and smiled down at him, loving the way his eyes glistened with happiness.

“I love you so, so much, Brandon.” I whispered to him.

“I love you too, Alayna. But I need to tell you something, before I….” he didn’t go on, and I’m glad he didn’t. I didn’t need to hear that word. He grabbed my hand in both of his. “I just need you to know, move on. Find someone who deserves you, someone that can live long enough to make sure that you are safe, someone who can grow old with you, someone better then me.”

A tear fell down my cheek as I gasped and leaned down, grabbing his face in my hands and kissing him once more.

“Brandon Tarak. I never want to hear you say that ever again.” I said sternly. “I will never move on, Brandon. I don’t want to. I will forever be married to you. I promise. Because there is no one else in the world that I would rather be married to. No one is better than you, Brandon. No one.” I said, pleading him to understand that he was all I wanted.

He smiled widely at that.

“Thank God, I just said that because it seemed like the right thing to say on my death bed.” I wince at the last comment. “But I want you to be married to me, because I will forever be married to you.”

I laughed at that, smiling through the tears.

“Yeah.” He whispered, reaching up and touching my cheek. “Keep smiling. I want your beautiful smile to be the last thing I see.” He whispered.

“What about the last thing you feel?” I asked him, leaning down, my face getting closer to his.

“A kiss.”

I gave him his wish, kissing him fully on the lips.

As we pulled apart, the door opened, his parents coming in with Tyson in hand.

“Someone else wanted to talk to you, Brandon.” His mother said as she let go of his hand, he sprinted over to me wrapping his arms around my legs.

I smiled and picked him up, sitting him down on the edge of the bed facing Brandon, his hero.

Tears filled Tyson’s eyes, and I realized that he knew.

“Please don’t leave, Brandon. Who else will play Transformers with me?” Tyson begged.

Just as Tyson said that, Brandon’s eyes lit up as he remembered something.

“That reminds me, I have something for you, Tyson.” Brandon said, telling his mom to reach into his pants pocket that sat across the room.

She pulled out a Transformer action figure.

Tyson’s eyes lit up with excitement.

Brandon’s mom handed it to Brandon and he smiled down at the figurine in his hands.

“I got this when I was a kid, and I want you to have it.” he told Tyson, who grinned and put out his hands for his new gift. “But,” Brandon said, keeping the toy in his possession, “you have to promise me one thing.” Brandon said. I smiled, of course he had conditions.

“What!” Tyson said.

“You have to watch out for your big sister for me. You have to take care of her, because I won’t be able to.” Brandon said, smiling up at me.

I smiled through the tears.

“But Brandon, if she’s bigger than me, how am I supposed to protect her?” Tyson asked as if Brandon was stupid.

“You can do it.” Brandon said, smiling at my younger brother and handing him the toy.
Tyson smiled down at the toy, but then a frown overtook his features and he looked up at Brandon, tears in his eyes.

“I’m gunna miss you Brandon.” He whispered. “You were like my big brother.” He said as he started to cry.

“I’m going to miss you too, Ty.” Brandon said, opening his arms so that Tyson could hug him.

“I’m going to miss you too, Brandon. More than you will ever know, every single day.” I whispered, joining their hug.

Eventually, my mom came and took Tyson home, which left Brandon, his parents and I alone.

“Brandon,” his dad said, gripping his son’s shoulder. “I want you to know that you always made me proud. Each and every day.” He said, his voice catching as a lump formed in his throat from the pain.

“Thank you dad.” Brandon said, choking up also. “I am going to miss you guys so much.” He whispered, his eyes filling with tears as he leaned his head back against the pillow.

His mother just began to cry into his father’s shoulder, which made me begin to cry, also.
Brandon looked over and saw, and then he reached out and grabbed my hand, kissing it.

“Please smile, my wife.” He said lovingly.

I smiled despite the pain that I felt, knowing it’s what he wanted.

I don’t really know what I had expected to happen when it all ended. I guess I didn’t expect anything other than a simple warning. Something to tell me it would happen soon. To give me time to prepare myself.

But I didn’t get a warning, and I wasn’t prepared for it, when my husbands eyes closed, his head lying back against the pillow, his heart monitor flat lining despite the machine that was supposed to be keeping him alive.

We all sat there a minute, waiting for something to happen, anything. For the beeping to start again, for him to open his eyes and tell us that he was just kidding, that it was a prank.
But that didn’t happen. The only thing that happened was the nurse coming in, turning off the heart monitor and leaving.

That made me angry. How insignificant a thing to do for such a great life that was now gone.

That’s when I just let it all out. I had been trying to remain so calm for him, to smile for him, but I just couldn’t anymore, and with his hand still enclosed around mine I leaned into his chest and cried my heart out.

Because despite the fact that Brandon and I hadn’t really been together for long, and despite the fact that I was only sixteen, and people would say I didn’t actually know love, just lust, I did know love.

And it was a boy with cancer named Brandon Tarak.