1,000 Stars are Passing By

As I get ready for Riley's birthday party, I formulate a plan in my mind. I can't stay here anymore, I'm suffocating. It doesn't help that Mr. Tomas has been here twice since the last time, both for the same thing.

All I even do is sit on the couch, doing literally nothing. The TV's off, there's no book or computer in sight. I always have the remote in my hand, but it's never been used. The light's are always off, too.

I can barely get myself to meetings with the band anymore. Every time I even think about music, I think of my old guitar teacher, and what he did to me. It's just not the same, playing music, for me anymore.

Sighing, I turn away from the mirror, my look done up to perfection. It's a little weird to see my face in the mirror. I haven't been off the couch in the past week, pretty much. Not many mirrors in that lifestyle.

I tug on some keep-a-breast bracelets, grab the gift for the birthday girl, and step out the door to walk over to Riley's.

It's a good mile, but I don't mind. I've been a major couch potato lately, so I could use a good exercise.

I push the thought that I haven't eaten much to the back of my mind.

X

“Dalton!” I exclaim, hugging the man referred to tightly around the middle.

“Lina! I've missed you so much,” he even cares to pick me up.

I smile and laugh at his antics. He keeps me in the air, but extends me out a little and up, so I put my hands on his shoulders to steady myself.

“Put me down!” I shriek.

“But you're not an ravenous dog,” he frowns.

“You know what I mean,” I hit his shoulder.

“You're so light!” he comments, “What are you, 85?”

“I don't know,” Though I do. A little heavier than that. A little. Dalton sets me down gently after a few more rounds of begging.

“What's up, Lina?” Riley's youngest brother, Thomas, asks casually, halting to a stop beside me.

I blush. I used to have a big crush on him.

“Not much,” I reply.

“Well, the party's inside,” He says, as Dalton rushes past him.

“There has got to be Jones in there!”

Thomas chuckles, “Doesn't he have 50 cases at time?”

I shrug, “Free Jones,”

The party goes on, complete with games and pizza. I'd better snag Riley before she gets too tired.

“Hey, Riley. Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Formulate. I have it down. I can stick to the script. I know exactly what she'll say, and how to respond to it. This is all part of my bigger plan. Well, kind of like a test.

I need to know if they're seriously concerned about me. I have to test to see if she'll guess what I'm planning and if she'll try to stop it.

I can't do this with Dalton, he'll see right through me, though he would do the most to stop me. Riley is the person who'd do the second best job to keep me from doing this.

“Yeah, sure,” She leads me to an empty room, “What's up?”

“How are you doing?”

“I've been better,” she sighs, pushing her hair out of her face.

“John left,” I remember out loud.

“Yeah, and I miss him so much,”

“I understand, I miss Zack too,” I feel so hypocritical. I must not miss that much, if I'm not even going to make it to our California trip.

“More importantly,” she says, changing the subject, “How are you?”

She looks deep into my eyes, and for a second I'm afraid she'll see my plan, and all my lies. But, I just push The Wall up farther and call it good.

“I'm okay,”

“Okay?”

I nod.

“Have you seen a therapist?”

I hesitate. Somehow, I can't seem to lie to her about this. I shake my head.

“Elina,” she says in an even tone, “Is it about paying? I'm sure there's a free one somewhere. You could always go to the Rape Recovery center,”

“No,” I assert, “I was just waiting until after the holidays. I didn't want to be inconvenient, or anything,”

“This isn't something you can just push aside, Elina. Now, I know Zack will be here soon, and he's pretty much your therapist, but you have to see someone till then,”

“Why should you get to tell me what to do?” I snap, deviating from the plan, “You're not my mom, Riley. You're not my boss, you're not the fucking dictator of my life. How do you know I'll even be here when Zack comes?

“How do you know that I even want him to come anymore? I can deal with life without him, you know. I'm not some crazy nut job. I don't need someone to talk to,”

“What do you need?” Riley asks, ignoring my hurtful words.

I think for a moment, “I just need everyone to leave me alone,”

“No, that's what you want,” Riley says, “No one needs that,”

I've decided she'd make a good councilor.

“I need out of this place,” I sigh, walking away.

X

After Riley goes to bed, everyone files out of her house. Everyone was pretty upset that she didn't open her presents, but we've planned to come back tomorrow for this grave injustice.

I stay up all night, as per usual. Sleeping is not good for me. Anyone could come in in the middle of the night and hurt me. Not to mention the nightmares.

Before I know it, it's time for me to leave for Riley's again. It just dawned on me that I didn't even watch the ball drop. New Year's and I missed it.

I watched a whole year go by while staring at my coffee table.

When I arrive, Dalton is already there, picking a movie. Once everyone gets here, she opens her presents.

“Thanks, you guys,” she smiles happily, poking in a new pair of earrings.

There is a chorus of humble returns, and we settle down to watch the movie.

When it's over, I excuse myself, along with Holland. I'm supposedly going to clean my house before Zack gets here.

“You're both staying in your house?” Dalton asks.

I just shrug, hoping I'm not giving too much away.

Seconds turn to minutes. Minutes turn to moments. Moments turn to hours. Before I know it, it's seven at night the next day, and my phone is ringing.

“Hello?”

“Elina, I'm really worried about you,” Dalton greets 'cheerily', “Will you come over and stay the night?”

“I have to get ready for Zack to come over,”

“You and I both know you wouldn't let him step foot near that hellhole,” Dalton says seriously.

“I still have to pack,”

“You can do that while Zack's here tomorrow. He is going to stay a few nights, right?”

I give my agreement as an answer.

“Okay, I'll come pick you up,”

What should I say? I have to figure it out. I'll memorize my lines, and he won't suspect a thing.

Formulate, formulate, formulate.

As Dalton's car pulls up, I have my backpack with all the essentials packed in it over my shoulder.

I decide that he has a right to now what will happen to me.

“Do you want to do something, or just lie down? You look like you haven't slept in days,” Dalton asks.

“Let's just lie down,”

So, we both climb into his bed, and his arms wrap around me, like normal. Familiar. Comforting.

For a second, I'm back when everything wasn't so screwed up. I'm back when everything was normal and happy, back when Dalton was the one with the problems.

But that was for a second. Reality rushes back to me and rips me away from my little fantasy like a tornado.

Tears flood my vision, and I whimper.

“I'm scared,” I manage.

Dalton doesn't say anything, just rubs my back.

I bury my face into his chest, taking shaky breaths. He puts his chin on top of my head, pulling me even closer. After a few moments, he kisses my head.

“What should I do?” I whimper, “I don't know what to do,”

“About what?”

Another silence falls upon us. I can't tell him. I had decided to be honest, but I can't anymore. I don't want to be stopped. Zack will be here tomorrow, but I'll already be gone. I have it planned, it will work.

I run through my plan three times, still silent.

“Can I tell you a secret?” I whisper.

“Did you even have to ask that?” Dalton chuckles.

“Don't repeat this to anyone. I don't care how worried you are, it doesn't leave your lips. At least not until the time is right,”

“Okay,” Dalton agrees, catching on to the importance and seriousness of this.

“I honestly can't take it anymore,” I vent, “I can't stand living there anymore,”

“Stay with us. Ross won't mind at all,” Dalton suggests.

“Not just there. Here,” I explain, “It's not that I don't like you guys, it's just... crushing me. This town is killing me,”

“I don't know what we could do about that,” Dalton says after a long pause.

I start to cry again. I don't know how to continue. I'm skirting the issue. I don't want to tell him, but I want him to know so bad.

“What are you getting at?”

“I... I can't stand it,” I repeat, “I need out of here. I need a new name, a new face, a new place where no one will know me. I need a fresh start,”

“Are you running away?” Dalton asks, alarm in his tone.

“I've made a plan to,”

“Elina, don't.” Dalton says, sitting up in bed suddenly, “You can't just leave. What about Holland and Riley? Don't you want to see them make a full recovery?”

I do. I really do. I want them to recover, and I want to see them get better, but it's not enough to keep me here.

“I can't just sit back and watch Riley die, Dalton. It would kill me,”

“Holland?” he says weakly, close to tears.

I shake my head, “I love her. She's one of my best friends. I can't watch her resist it. It would be much better to hear about recovery than to watch it,”

“That's not the only reason, is it?”

“I need to leave,” I say, standing up. It's nine. I was planning to be on the road by now.

“No, Elina.” he says, knowing that I didn't mean to my house, “Stay here tonight,”

I protest. He ignores it.

“Please,” he says, voice cracking, “I know I can't stop you in leaving. I swore secrecy. But, please. Please. Give me one more night. Just one,”

It will put me way behind schedule, but I agree. I figure he deserves this much.