You Make Me Feel So Alive

Liam’s been here for three weeks, and I’m growing attached to him.

In between searching for (and finding) a job for Liam, we've hung out and we've talked and I’ve had to keep telling myself that I can’t allow myself to do this. I can't allow myself to feel. It would jeopardize everything I've ever worked for, everything I've ever known. I hadn’t been called out on a mission since the one the day I met Liam, and I hope to god no one needs to be killed so I can spend more time with him.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but I like my life better with Liam in it. It’s much more interesting, more normal, like it should be. I’ve never had a real friend, as I was brought up away from the rest of the world, and I was enjoying the experience of actually having one.

He made me do so many things that I didn’t know I could do. Like, for instance, he was talking about a guy he’d seen when he was on the streets who was convinced a possum was his best friend, and he would talk to it like it was a person, and if anyone told him that the possum wasn’t a person, then he would have a fit and he was so adorable and cute when he laughed that I couldn’t stop myself: I smiled. For the first time in my entire life, I smiled.

I was considerably… happier around him. I guess would be the word. I don’t know if I was actually

I didn't think I'd ever be in this position. I didn't think I could ever be happy, sad, or any other emotion you can think of. Now that I do, I can't believe I could ever live without them. Everything was so much... richer. Every experience made a bigger impact that I could ever imagine.

But I've come to the realization that I have a choice to make.

If I want to keep these emotions, and Liam, for that matter, I have to give up my career. And I don't exactly work a 9-5 job where you can just turn in a two weeks' notice and take off. For me, quitting my job would be like drafting my own warrant for arrest. I know too much, as cliche as that sounds.

But I don't know if I can give up the emotions that I've recently acquired. And I don't know if I can give up Liam.

It might seem silly, to be willing to give up quite literally everything for one person. But over the past couple weeks, I've grown... attached to him in a way that I don't think I could ever be happy again without him. He is my happiness, and I don't think I ever want to know what life is like without him.

"Hey, Damien?" he said. "Are you busy?"

I looked down at my empty hands and glanced around the room. "Do I look it?"

He smiled and walked over to me, sitting next to me on my bed and smiled. "No. But I never know with you."

"I'm quite mysterious, aren't I?"

"Quite." he said. "Anyway, I was wondering if, you know, if you aren't busy, if you'd like to go get some food with me tonight? I just got my first pay check and I wanted to take you out as a thank you."

"That sounds great." I said. "Are you sure though? I mean, it's your money. I can always pay."

"No, I want to. I have money and I want to thank you for what you've done for me."

"Okay then." I said. "I'd be happy to go out with you. For dinner, I mean."

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Liam and I were sitting in a relatively nice Italian restaurant and I was worrying my ass off about whether or not I was doing everything right. Did I look all right? Was I talking too much? Was this even a date or am I just making this all up? Why am I so nervous?

Oh yeah. 'Cause I may or may not be in love for the first time in my life. And I just happen to be in love with the best looking guy you will ever lay eyes on.

"Damien?" he said. "You okay? You kinda zoned out."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said, bringing my self back down to earth. "Just, a bit nervous I guess."

"Why?" he asked, looking confused.

"Because I mean, I'm not supposed to... and you're just... I'm just nervous." I said.

"Ooookay." he said, looking skeptical. "Look, I know that I said that this was just a thank you dinner, but I really wanted to ask you... I mean, I know we've only known each other for a little while now, but we've spent so much time together, and I really like you. So I guess that's it. I just wanted to tell you that I like you. And don't feel like, awkward, or anythinng. I know you probably don't feel the same way..." He ducked his head down and looked at his lap, obviously embarrassed by what he'd just said.

I just smiled. He liked me. He was blushing and it was adorable and I was so happy that I don't think I ever wanted to go back to living without feelings. "I like you, too, Liam."

He gasped and looked up, jaw dropped. "You do?"

"'Course I do." I said. "I've never felt like this for anyone else, and then you show up in my life, and I can't stop smiling or laughing and I just can't imagine life without you anymore."

"Wow." he said, still shocked.

"Can I get you anything else?" the waitress asked, coming back over and taking up our empty plates.

"No, we're good. Can we just get the check, please?" Liam said, recovering from his shock.

"No problem." she said, depositing the black folder with our check in it on the table.

Liam paid, with some protest from me, but I couldn't stop him. I did agree to letting him take me out.

Once he paid, we left the restaurant and started walking back to my apartment in silence, just enjoying each other's company. Our hands would brush every once in a while and I was debating whether or not to just grab his in mine or whether he would think it was stupid. But, then again, we did just kind of admit our feelings for each other. Oh, what the hell. The next time our hands brushed together, I took his in mine and squeezed it lightly, smiling at the blush that colored his cheeks.

I think I was really starting to fall for this boy...