Breathing Has Got Too Hard

I slammed the door as I returned home, frustrated as hell with myself.

“Ben?” I heard my mum shout from the living room. I kicked off my shoes, violently and ignored her, storming upstairs.

“Ben are you okay?” I heard her shout faintly from downstairs as I reached my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I flailed, not knowing whether I should punch something or reach for my pick box for a razorblade or an actual guitar pick.

I sat down on the bed. Head in hands. Clutching my hair in my fists. I cried out, a cry of anger releasing from the tension building in my chest and shoulders. My heart was beating ten to the dozen, I felt my wrists throb against my cheeks, the hot blood pumping through them. I cried out again, throwing myself up and punching my wardrobe. Blood dripped down from my knuckles, the wound burning hot, I felt no pain, just the burning. The adrenaline preventing me from properly feeling it.

I felt like such a fuck up. I was having such a good day. And I just cracked under all the bullshit from my past. Stupid fucking cunt Brendan, always had to pop up exactly where he wasn't needed. I felt like I'd failed in my quest to have one really good day for the first time in a really long time. Brendan had seriously ruined it for me.

“Ben, what are you doing?” Mum burst into my room, frantic look on her face. She looked me up and down, stood in the middle of my room, fist bleeding, face red and bruised from the fight. She stepped over the mess and clutched my hand, seeing the bright red gash that had formed between my knuckles. I was breathing really fast, had began to sweat and my cheeks were burning.

“Come on, we’ll clean you up and we can talk about this,” She whispered calmly, gently dropping my hand and coaxing me to follow her into the bathroom.

*

“Hold that there,“ She instructed, patting a wet cloth against the cut on my hand. I obliged, taking the cloth in my hand. I sat down on the grey leather sofa in the living room, Mum sitting down slowly next to me.

“Now tell me what happened,” she asked, turning me to face her. I choked. Not really knowing what to tell her. She knew about Brandon. But I didn’t want her to see how pathetic I am.

“Danny was great. We had fun,” I squeaked, having not really spoken since I’d been crying. “But Brendon turned up and started a fight with me for no reason,”

“No reason? Are you sure?” Mum asked.

“I told him to get out of my sight. In so many words…yeah I swore at him, I’d had a bit to drink, I wasn’t really thinking…” She stopped me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“You know alcohol is a depressant, Ben. We’ve talked about this,” She said, a stern tone coming into her voice. I gritted my teeth. Yeah. And in that conversation I’d told her I can do what I want.

“Yeah, mum, and I’ll have a drink if I see fit. How did I know Brendon was gonna turn up and aggravate me?”

“It didn’t have to be Brendon it could have been anybody! Someone stronger, and we might be sat in A&E with your legs broken in three places rather than sat here having got away with a few cuts and bruises! Ben, you know how alcohol affects your temper and your mood swings, why carry on drinking? It’s not going to make you any better!” Mum had began to shout now. She was stood over me, going slightly red in the face.

“MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO GET BETTER YOUR WAY. MAYBE I WANT TO DO IT MY WAY!” I screamed, storming out of the room. Great. Now I was pretty much inconsolable.

*

It was now 12:30am. I’d spent my night lay out on my bed thinking. I didn’t want to move. I’d considered just giving up on everything again. But I failed at killing myself too so it wasn’t worth watching Mum go through the fear and hurt all over again.

Mum had gone to bed. She hadn’t even said goodnight to me. I’d truly upset her. But she’d started to go about helping me the wrong way. I’d made it clear I wanted to do this my way. That was the only way I could see myself getting through this.

Suddenly, I jumped as I felt my phone vibrate under my pillow, and start blasting out my Enter Shikari ringtone. I leapt up and pulled the phone out, looking who was calling. It was Danny. I picked up.

“Hello?”

”Hey Ben. Are you alright?”

“I guess. How’s your face looking?” I lowered my voice, remembering my Mum was sleeping.

”My nose is fucking killing me and I think one of my teeth’s loose. But I’m okay. What did your Mum say about your cheek and eyes?

“We argued. She doesn’t like me drinking because alcohol is a depressant.” I badly imitated my Mum’s voice on the ‘alcohol is a depressant’ part.

”That might be true but you were really happy before that cunt turned up.”

“Yeah I know.” I sighed.

”Listen, what’re you doing tomorrow?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Nothing as usual. Why?”

“Because I want you to meet some of my friends, from Leeds. Cameron and James. You fancy it? Maybe if we see that asshole we can take him properly this time,” Danny sounded enthusiastic.

I sighed, envisioning meeting yet more people, who might not be as friendly as Danny.

“Sure. What the hell. I think I need to stay out of the way of my Mum for a few days,”

”Awesome. Same time same place tomorrow?” He asked.

“Sure. See you later.”