Breathing Has Got Too Hard

“Ben, wait,”

I was storming out of the door the next day, having not spoken a word to my Mum since the argument. I muttered a “No,” under my breath before pulling the front door open and leaving the house, feeling Mum staring into the back of my head. I’d probably pay for that when I returned home.

I definitely wasn’t looking forward to that.

I took my iPod out of my back pocket, plugging the headphones into my ears. Drowning out the rest of the world with some good ol’ metal music. I walked fairly fast. I wasn’t sure what time the train was, I just knew I was meeting Danny at 11. It was now 10. Maybe I’d have time to grab a can of Monster in the train station.

It was a short walk to York train station, through the estate and down into the town centre, where the old Victorian station resided. My gateway to feeling okay again. I contemplated what meeting more people would be like, I didn’t exactly feel my best at the moment. I was starting to regret agreeing to go out.

I walked staring at the grey pavement, headphones vibrating in my ears from being turned up so loud. Someone walking toward me caught my eye as I walked, and I glanced up to see a fairly young chav couple, as greasy and scummy as they come. I noticed the guy was trying to say something to me, waving his arms about at me. I didn’t even bother taking a headphone out to listen, I just walked on. I wasn’t in the mood. Not that I ever was. But every now and again I’d take pride in outsmarting people like that.

I felt a stone hit the back of my head. I flinched, and just picked up my pace a little. I really didn’t have the energy to even think of something witty to say to them.

I reached the corner shop by the train station, picking up a cold can of original flavoured Monster and buying it. Again not bothering to take my headphones out. I really didn’t feel like socialising with anyone, even if he was selling Monster to me.

Just as my song ended, I walked into the entrance of the train station, the booming male voice echoing about the departure lounge. I quickly checked the departures board that hung above the throng of commuters, taking a sip of my Monster. Platform 1.

At least I didn’t have to walk a mile to the platform. I took pleasure in small things like that

*

The train seats were prickling the backs of my arms, the strange velour material pressing on them. I sighed, averting my eyes to the window where fields covered in dead leaves and discoloured grass rushed by.

I had two choices today. I could moap about and just tag along. Make an idiot of myself with how quiet and reserved I could be, especially with the mood I was in today. Or I could put myself across as fun loving. Enjoy spending time with Danny. Embrace these new people, I might not get another chance like this to make new friends and a fresh start.

There was also the choice in whether I should drink again or not. There was hurting Mum, then there was disappointing her. I’d managed to disappoint her. But oddly enough, drinking with Danny made me happy. Which is what I want. So I don’t see the problem. But then again, I don’t wanna hurt mum more than I already have.

I was fully aware of how selfish I was. I barely ever thought about Mum’s feelings before I made my decisions. There have been lots of examples of when I have done that. And I was fully aware that needed to change if I wanted to keep my relationship with her a healthy one. But I genuinely thought that she was wrong this time. I was finally starting to see light at the end of this endless tunnel and I felt that partying was helping to some degree. I wasn’t sure. My brain hurt.

*

I felt a twinge of nerves knot in my stomach as I walked into Leeds train station, and spotted Danny, who’d dived onto a guy with thin dark hair, his fringe swept right over to the right, his huge flesh plugs poking out of the sides of his head. Stood by them laughing was a sandy brown haired guy, a swept straightened fringe and a couple of facial piercings. He pointed over at me, catching Danny’s attention signalling over to me, and my heart skipped a beat. I really hated meeting new people. I could barely face people I was used to, never mind this.

I very nearly turned back, until before I knew it, I’d whacked my head off the floor and all of Danny’s weight had shifted partly onto me and partly on the floor beside me. He was laughing hysterically, as I moved from under him and sat up, my vision going funny.

“Owch,” I said, rubbing the back of my head and trying to focus on Danny’s mischievous grin a few inches from my face.

“Come on mate, don’t be a pussy, Gerrup,” Danny said, standing up and pulling me from the floor. I felt a little sick, as my head spun when I stood. Oh I really did feel like a prick now.

“Ben, you alright?” Danny finally asked, as I looked up at him and his pale face came into focus.

“Yeah,” I sighed, giving a tired smile and glancing at Cameron and James who were staring at us bewildered.

“Oh yeah! Ben, this is Cameron,” Danny said, patting the guy with the huge plugs on the back. “And that’s James,” he pointed at the guy with the straight hair and facial piercings. I nodded and shook both their hands, I could feel their eyes looking me up and down, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. I felt like I was being judged which was the opposite of what I wanted. I didn’t feel like going though that stuff today.

“So what do you say to going for a cheeky pint at the Cockpit?” Danny grinned, glancing at the 3 of us.

“Oh yeah nice one,” James agreed, his thick Yorkshire accent slipping under both Danny and Cameron’s whoops of joy and a high five. Danny caught my eye and said “You alright with that Ben?”

I gave a weak smile and nodded, and I could feel James’ and Cameron’s eyes burning into me.

“Alright let’s go,” Danny cried, starting to walk with a little spring in his step. I let James and Cameron fall into step with him before I began to follow them, like some sort of lost puppy. I felt so out of place.

We walked out into the cool winter’s air into the centre of Leeds, bathed in dim grey light, the heavy clouds blocking out the sun. I pulled my plain black hoodie tighter around my body, as I watched Danny - who was at least 4 inches smaller than both James and Cameron - bounce about between them as they walked either side of him.

We reached the stairs down to the Cockpit, and Danny stopped at the top of them, letting James and Cameron walk down them before him. He turned to look at me, his bright blue eyes searching me.

“What’s up with you?” He asked, falling into a slightly slower pace with me as we walked down the stairs. I spied James and Cameron stopping and looking back at us.

“Meh. I’m feeling pretty shit today.” I admitted, just as we caught up to the other two lanky guys who also towered over me as well as Danny.

“Aww well you’ll be feeling pretty fine after a few hours with us,” Cameron piped up, elongating the I in fine and flashing me a smile. I smiled weakly back, appreciating him speaking to me first rather than me having to awkwardly strike up a conversation.

“Cam’s right. I told these two about that ass hat from yesterday. What was his name?” Danny asked, frowning.

“Brendon,” I muttered, my blood beginning to simmer softly at the thought of his name.

“Urgh he sounded like a reyt arse,” James added, scratching the back of his head. I laughed, thinking about how accurate Danny’s representation of him must have been.

“He is. He gave me hell in high school,” I said.

“What did he actually do?” Danny asked, and my heart sank. I wish he’d have asked me when we were alone or something.

“A lot of things. He was manipulative and he turned a lot of people against me.” That sounded bad enough. I just wanted to leave it at that. I really didn’t want to go into it.

I looked over at Danny who I think sensed my discomfort, as he gave me a small nod and said “Yeah, well I got in a few good punches or so yesterday. I’m half hoping we’ll see him again today for round 2!”

Just as Danny had said that, and we’d turned the corner to enter the Cockpit, I spotted Brandon from across the street - but this time with 3 extremely strong looking guys.