Whatever It Takes

Arianna stepped off her treadmill and threw herself on the ground. Her heart was racing as her chest quickly expanded and contracted, trying to fill her lungs with air. Her body ached, her mind was blank and she wanted to vomit. And yet she felt more alive and awake then ever before.

She loved her morning runs. There was no better way to start off the day in her books. Something about running helped her clear her mind and start the day off on a positive note. Also having a gym in her house helped motivate her to run each day. She really had no excuse not to.

She picked herself up off the floor and walked out into the hallway. She took the stairs two at a time and reached the main floor. She debated between showering first and then eating or vice versa. Before she could even make up her mind, her stomach began to rumble. Decision made.

As she walked to the kitchen she heard her cell phone ring. She spotted it on the counter and picked it up. “Talk to me” she said as she held it against her ear and opened the fridge.

“You’re full of wonderful one-liners lately” Marissa said from the other side as Arianna’s eyes searched the fridge. “What can I say? It’s a gift” Arianna joked as she took a yogurt out of the fridge and opened it. “So what’s up?” she continued as she went over to the drawer and took out a spoon.

“What are your plans today?” Marissa asked her, her voice cracking slightly. Arianna scrunched her forehead, but then shook her head sure she misheard. She washed some berries under the sink faucet.

“Don’t know. Jordan called me yesterday and said he had something to do today. We were suppose to celebrate Valentine’s day today since he has class tomorrow night, but I guess that’s not happening anymore,” Arianna explained, trying to hide her disappointment.

“Perfect!” Marissa screamed into the phone, causing Arianna to jump. “I mean, that’s not perfect for you or him. But it’s perfect for me,” Marissa said quickly. “I was going to ask you to spend the day together. You know shop, have lunch, get manicures,” Marissa rambled on, not giving Arianna a chance to speak.

“I don’t know Mar,” Arianna said, “I was just planning on staying home and doing some homework actually since my plans fell through”. She took the berries in the bowl and covered them with yogurt. She mixed them together and took a bite while taking a seat at the kitchen table.

“Please A,” Marissa begged. “I have no Valentine this year. I really hate to be alone; I thought we could do something together. You can sleep over since my parents are gone and we can go to school early tomorrow and do homework then!” Marissa bribed her, the desperation clearly evident in her voice.

Arianna bite her nail, unsure what to do. To be honest she was feeling lousy ever since her conversation with Patrick yesterday. Maybe she should have just forgiven him and let things be. And she did have a lot of homework to do. After weeks of sulking over Patrick, her schoolwork had fallen pretty behind. Arianna sighed; but how could she turn down her best friend?

“Fine” she finally agreed, hearing Marissa breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you!” Marissa cried in response, as Arianna laughed at her friend’s dramatics. “Ok so I’ll be over to get you in 30 minutes, good?” Marissa asked her.

“Actually I’ll drive over to your house” Arianna said as she took her last bite of yogurt. “I just exercised so I need to shower and then I’ll be right over” she continued as she got up and placed her bowl in the sink.

“Ok sounds good!” Marissa replied, “Make sure you look good though. No sweats and ponytail,” she warned Arianna. “What? Why not?” Arianna questioned, her curiosity growing at her friend’s weird demands.

“Because I want to try out that new restaurant near my house and it’s pretty fancy. I don’t want to get kicked out because my date looks like a hobo,” Marissa explained in a matter-of-fact tone. Arianna laughed in agreement and hung up the phone.

She ran up the stairs two at a time and walked into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She went over to her closet, opening the door and grabbing her robe from the back. As she went to close the door, her eyes caught sight of a dark black hoodie she had hidden in the depths of her closet.

She reached out and grabbed the soft fabric of the dark black sweater, her thumb tracing a circle on the sleeve. After a slight hesitation, she reached in more and pulled it out. She felt her knees shake, as she suddenly found her body sitting on the floor. She glanced down at her hands, the colorful logo of the Blackhawks screaming for attention in a midst of black fabric.

Her throat started to tighten as she was engulfed by the sudden memories of this sweater. She shook her head as she brought the material up to her face. His scent still lingered in the fabric even after all this time, almost like a small gift. Her eyes began to water as her heart filled her head with thoughts of the past.

This was why she kept the sweater hidden away. These memories would always be able to crawl under her skin. It was the notion of “what if” that constantly tugged at her mind and soul. What if she had never met him? What if they never became friends? What if he had felt the same way? What if he was her Valentine this year?

She hated herself for these thoughts. They weren’t fair to Jordan. He was her boyfriend now; he was the one who loved her. He took care of her and made her happy and didn’t hurt her.

When it was late at night and she couldn’t fall asleep, she could feel the torment inside of her. If she was as happy as she thought she was, then why in the pit of her stomach did she feel guilty every time Jordan kissed her or touched her? She had grown accustom to shaking it off as butterflies, but at this moment it seemed too much.

She was lost in a sea of thoughts until she heard her cell phone ring. She jumped up and grabbed her phone off her dresser. “Hello?” she said as she tried to steady her shaky voice.

“Baby? Are you ok?” Jordan’s voiced asked concerned from the other end. Arianna glanced up at her dresser mirror and was surprised to find water stains on her face. She took her hand and quickly wiped away any evidence of the tears.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just about to go shower,” she explained, as she closed her eyes and tried to steady her heart. “Oh ok. Well I just wanted to apologize again for cancelling today. Something really important came up…I hope you understand” Jordan said.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she replied as she opened her eyes. “So what are you going to do today instead?” he questioned as Arianna heard an engine start in the background. “Nothing special just chill with Marissa, do some girly thing,” she told him.

“Amazing!” he said too enthusiastically, causing Arianna to frown. Why was he so excited about her day out with Marissa? “Uh, yeah I guess so…” she replied, still confused by his reaction. “Look I got to go A, but I’ll call you later ok?” he said quickly.

They hung up and Arianna put both hands on her dresser to steady herself. She looked down at her hands; what was wrong with her? She glanced up at herself in the mirror, starring at herself in the eyes. She deserved to be happy, didn’t she? Then why did she find herself sabotaging such a good thing now?

She glanced back at the sweater on the floor. She sighed and walked to her washroom, not giving it a second glance. She’d need to burn that sweater one day soon. She laughed at the thought; she knew she’d never be able to bring herself to do that.

***

“Ok, what is going on?” Arianna finally demanded, as she turned to look at Marissa in the driver’s seat. A guilty look spread across Marissa’s face for a spilt second before she shook it off. “What do you mean?” she asked innocently as she kept her eyes focused on the road.

After showering and showing up at Marissa’s house, Arianna sensed that something wasn’t right. Marissa was acting weirder than usual, jumping each time her cell phone went off. They only left the house after Marissa gave her approval on Arianna’s outfit after an intense look-over.

Adding to the weirdness was the fact that Marissa never stopped talking. Usually she wouldn’t find this odd, as Marissa was a chatterbox. But this time, it just felt different. Almost like she was talking because she was nervous. She also almost pulverized Arianna when she took out her phone to check her messages. Marissa yanked it out of her hands in such a swift motion Arianna could barley object. Her best friend explained that she wanted one day without distractions and refused to give her back the phone.

They were supposed to have gone for lunch, yet somehow it turned into supper. Marissa would change her mind every two seconds about what was next on the agenda for the day.

When they finally did arrive at the restaurant, Marissa spent a half hour debating over the menu and asking redundant questions to the waiter, who looked like he was going to scream.
Then came dessert; never in her life had Arianna seen someone eat a cheesecake so slowly.

Arianna wanted to scream with joy when they finally emerged from the restaurant. As they got into the car to finally go home and unwind, she noticed that Marissa was taking the long way to her house. The long way being a whole detour in the opposite direction of her house. That was the final straw for Arianna.

“What I’m talking about is the fact that we’re going the opposite direction of your house right now” Arianna said as she watched Marissa’s neighborhood pass her by. “What is up with you today? You’ve been so edgy and weird. Not to mention you hijacked my phone from me” Arianna finished as she starred down her friend.

Marissa sighed and shook her head, “I suck at this”. Arianna looked at her confused, “suck at what?” she asked although she was slightly scared to hear the response.

“Jordan asked me to distract you today” Marissa said simply. “Distract me? From what? Why?” Arianna questioned, as she was still confused and not putting together the pieces.

“He wanted to surprise you. For valentine’s day” Marissa continued, as she sighed and rubbed her temples. Arianna’s heart did a slight flutter while her stomach dropped. “He…he wanted to surprise me?” she asked quietly. Marissa just nodded in response, not sure what else to say.

“So then why did you steal my phone like a psycho?” she asked Marissa, still confused about that one action. “He wanted to make sure you wouldn’t try to call him or reach him while he was busy setting things up,” Marissa explained.

The news of her boyfriend trying to surprise her for Valentine’s Day should have sent her in a tizzy of happy emotions. And yet, she felt nothing. Her body was numb and her mind was blank.

Marissa turned to look at Arianna; her expression was soft and caring. “Your not mad at me are you?” she asked quietly, a hint of uncertainty in her voice. “Of course not. Why would I be mad at you?” Arianna asked her concerned.

“Because you’re so quiet. And your face…you look so serious. So not happy” Marissa explained, as she looked back at the road. Arianna sighed; what was wrong with her? Her hands shook in her lap as she felt a sudden weight build up in her chest.

“Is it normal that hearing the news that my boyfriend wanted to surprise me for Valentine’s Day doesn’t make me giddy and excited?” she asked softly as she turned her head to face Marissa. Marissa looked at her in the eyes, not saying a word but shaking her head “no” in response.

“What’s wrong with me?” Arianna whispered, as she leaned her head back against the car seat. “Honestly?” Marissa asked her, as Arianna nodded. “You know the answer” Marissa replied.

“I don’t love him,” Arianna said after a few minutes of silence. “I don’t love him how he loves me” she continued, “and that’s not fair to him. He deserves better”. She could feel her eyes holding back tears. She hated the fact that ever since Chicago she had become an emotional wreck, crying at the drop of a dime.

“And the worst part is,” Arianna said, “I thought I could be able to be everything he deserves. I really thought I was ready to move on and be happy and be in a relationship. And now I find out, I’m right back where I was 5 months ago. Alone and crazy over some guy who doesn’t want me”.

She looked out the window and realized they had reached Marissa’s house. She glanced back at her friend, curiosity filling her again. “Well if that’s how you feel you should tell him,” Marissa said with a shrug of her shoulders as she opened the door and got out.

Arianna undid her seatbelt quickly and got out of the car, following Marissa up the pathway. “Tell which one what?” she questioned, as Marissa unlocked her front door and stood at the threshold. “Tell both of them the truth” Marissa responded quietly.

She pulled Arianna’s phone out of her pocket and handed it to her. “I’m sorry, but you'll thank me for this,” Marissa said finally, as she looked Arianna in the eyes. Before Arianna could ask her what she meant, Marissa shoved her through the door and closed it behind her.

***

Arianna looked around confused, the house was pitch black.

As she made her way through the foyer, she glanced down at her phone. 8 missed calls and 13 text-messages all from Jordan. Why would he message me if he was planning my surprise, she thought as she found herself confused by his actions.

Arianna saw the living room lights on in the distance and began to make her way there. She opened up his most recent message and starred at it in confusion.

-Ari, I don’t know where you are. I’ve tried calling you all day. Let me know if you’re ok. I kind of wanted to surprise you but looks like that won’t be happening. Call me.-

“What the hell?” she said aloud to herself as she kept looking at the message. What in the world was going on? Marissa’s story and Jordan’s message didn’t add up. There was something else going on and she was going to find out what it was. Just as she walked into the living room, a familiar voice stopped her heart.

“I think I can explain,” Patrick said, as he stood before her in Marissa’s living room. Arianna’s heart was still, her palms were sweating and her lungs refused to breathe. She felt sick and nauseous, as if she had been kicked in the stomach. And yet behind all of these feelings, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach. The warmth spread through her body as she saw him within reaching distance.

“Patrick?” she whispered as she finally managed to get a word out. “W-what are you doing here?” she asked as she tried to sound normal, although it was no use. Her hands shook at her sides as she played with her phone. He looked better than she remembered.

“I came here because I needed to make things right” he said simply, as he still stood at the other end of the room. He had his hands in his jean pockets, his grey t-shirt fitted to show his muscular arms. “I called Marissa the other day and told her I was planning on coming here to surprise you and needed her help. She was hesitant to agree but I managed to convince her to hear me out”.

“If this is about the phone call Patrick…”Arianna began but was cut off when she saw him take a step closer to her.

“Please, let me speak” Patrick said simply, as he kept his eyes fixed on hers. “I haven’t been myself lately. And that phone call, where I said that thing to you…I’ve never been really good at expressing my feelings”.

“I don’t understand,” Arianna sighed, as her body yearned to jump into his arms.

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Patrick said as he took another step towards her. “I thought letting you get out of my car that night in Chicago when you told me how you felt was the right thing to do ”.

Arianna was now permanently stuck in place. Her heart and head were bombarded with thoughts and emotions as they kicked into overdrive. “How was that the right thing to do?” she asked quietly.

“Because I thought you were better off without me,” he replied, as he closed the space between them. He took her hands in his, and glanced down at their hands as their fingers intertwined instantly without thought.

“I thought that without me you could have a normal life. Somehow in my head it made sense,” he continued, as Arianna shook her head at him. “That’s not fair. I’m a big girl Pat. I can make my own decisions. Being with you would have been normal for me” she argued with him.

“That’s what you say now” Patrick responded as he rubbed his thumb in her palm. “But you don’t know what it’s like. When the media gets on you, and girls find out about you and me and they start horrible rumors about you. When we can’t be together like a normal couple and we spend months apart”.

He sighed and looked down, away from her face that was now filled with sadness. “I know you have no reason to believe me when I say this. But you have to know, I’ve been crazy about you since that day I met you. And the more time we spent together the more I grew attached to you. I like you so much, it’s scares me sometimes because you make me do things I’ve never done before. Like being selfless and putting your needs before my own”.

“This may not make sense to you but when I let you go I did it because I cared about you. And because I wanted you to have a normal life. You deserve that” he finished as he looked back up at her.

She looked at him and felt betrayed. “Ok, so I get it. I was too good for you…do you even know how dumb that sounds Pat?” she questioned him as she pulled her hands away from his. “ I have thought about you everyday for 5 months. And every day I wondered why I wasn’t good enough. So you don’t get to come here now and tell me that this whole time I was too good for you”.

“That’s not why I’m here,” he confessed as she shot him a questioning look. “Oh? So then why are you here?” she asked him coldly, although her insides tickled with curiosity.

“I’m here because I’m done being selfless. I want to be selfish and I want you and need you in my life” he told her as he grabbed her hand in his and let his arm drape across her waist. He pulled her in tighter and closer to his body, never letting their gaze break. “I know you have every reason to tell me to get lost and leave you alone. But please don’t…please give us the shot that I so badly messed up last time”.

She starred into his eyes and could feel her anger diminish. This was everything she wanted and all she had dreamed for. But did it just come so easily?

“What about all those things you were worried about? Things that would ruin us?” she asked him softly, as he took his hand and placed it on her neck. “I’m ready to face them if you are. I may screw up and not deserve you at times, but I’ve never been so sure of something in my whole life. I would never hurt you. Will make this work, I promise”.

It was hearing those two simple words that solidified it all in her head. She wasn’t sure why, but she believed in his promise. Without a second thought she brought her hand up to his face, letting her fingers trace his jaw line as a smile spread across her lips. In a swift second he grabbed a hold of her face and sent his lips crashing onto hers.

If their first kiss was magical than this was heart stopping. His hands ran themselves through her hair, as her arms pulled her body in closer to his. She could feel the warmth of his body through her clothes, as it tingled every inch of her. Her toes curled up as his arm moved down her body to her hips. He lifted her gently off the ground, as his lips never left hers.

When the finally parted to catch their breath, he leaned his forehead down to touch hers. Their noses grazed each other as their hands intertwined by their sides. “That should have been our first kiss” Patrick whispered as Arianna laughed lightly.

“And why is that?” she challenged him as she leaned back enough to see his eyes. “Because now you’ve experienced a real Patrick Kane kiss. And you’ll never be able to go back to anything else” he said confidently, his eyes twinkling with humor.

She laughed and hit his arm, as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. She had missed him so much.