Status: In progress; Active; Authors Needed
Letters of Sorts
Letter Ten
Before I get into my letter I should probably explain myself. In late February I started a friendship with benefits with a guy at my school. We lost our virginity to each other and kept it secret. It tore me apart and eventually I ended it, only to beg him to start again. He ended it so he could date another girl. I fell in love with him. This was an actual letter that I wrote and gave to him. This is word for word what I wrote to him.
Dannybear, sometimes Dan, but never Daniel,
So I have this thing; when I'm upset with or about someone, I write them a letter that I never actually give them. Obviously though, if you're reading this, I gave you yours. I don't know why, but for some reason I want you to know how I feel. I'm gonna be brutally honest and you probably won't like what I have to say... so if you don't wanna know, I suggest you stop reading and rip this to shreads. I'm sure I'll never know,
I started this whole thing as a way to cure my lonlieness. Alan and I had just broken up, and let's be honest, I wanted sex. You were incredibly sexy and you were willing. I figured that since we didn't know eachother, that this would be easy and I wouldn't get attatched to you. I was wrong. Somewhere along the way I started to really care about you. I pushed my feelings aside and kept going. I don't regret it. Although this is the worst I've ever felt, being with you was the happiest I've ever been. I've never been so confused about anything, or anyone in my life.
The weird thing is, it was never the sex that bothered me. It was the little things. The our secret meetings in the stairwell, the cuddling, the slow dance in the shower, the constant texting. It was the stray looks in class, the morning you sat on my bed and watched me get ready for school, the same day you left your stuff in my room. The way you held me that day in the stairwell while I cried, the night you were so worried about what I would think of your haircut. But most of all, it was the kisses. The way you kissed my forehead, my nose, even my hair. When you would leave my house, or wherever we happened to be, and you would say you had to go, but you'd kiss me again. And again, and again, and again. That's what really did it for me. I don't think you understand how much it meant to me to get out of the shower every morning and have a good morning text from you. Or the fact that you were always the last person I talked to before going to sleep. I just don't understand it. I would do anything if you'd asked. You were my first and I wouldn't change it for the world. I hope you don't regret me either. The day in the stairwell when I ended it, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took all my strength to pull my hand away from yours and push you back.
Thinking about you being with someone else physically hurts. I went to your game tonight, she was there. I don't know why I went, I knew it would shatter me. But, I care about you and I wanted support you. So I put on a fake smile, did my make up and pretended it didn't hurt. I left the gym a few times. I wonder if you even noticed. Probably not, why would you? I also wonder, after the game when I was talking to you, do you relize that everytime you turned around to look at her, my heart was breaking?
You're the only person that knows about my past before i moved here. That's something I want to make sure you know. I never lied to you, and I never held back. I've never been so open and honest with someone. I've also never changed myself for another person before, but the past month I've changed so much about me, just hoping to be everything you wanted and that you'd give me a chance.
I've never been one to believe in love, just lust and infatuatuon. So don't freak out, but what I guess I'm trying to say is that I love you. I hate myself for it, but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried. Whenever I'm around you I get tongue tied and I can't think. I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that people get on rollar coasters.
I was thinking about the future and I think I'll always remember you. You'll go on and your memory of me will start to fade and blur. I'll slip further from your mind day by day. Eventually you'll forget my name, until finally, you've forgotten me completely. That kills me. You're going to have an amazing life and I pray that you cling to memory as long as you can. I don't want you to forget me. You're an amazing person Dan, don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not. I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to know you, but maybe it's better this way. We only have a handful of weeks left of high school, then I won't have to face you everyday with a fake smile.
I'd take on the world if I thought it would help me keep you, but I guess I never really had you to begin with. I hope that the time we did spend together was good for you and that you have no regrets, because I don't. I hope that I was lucky enough to bring you even the littlest bit of happieness. If you ever need anything, I'll be here for you. I'm gonna miss you. I'll miss your cheesy smile and the way you twirl your pens in your hand. I'll miss your hands too. I'll miss your sniffling and the way you cracked your fingers. I'll miss your voice, I'll even miss your ugly, orange hoodie. I'll really miss kissing you and the way your lips taste. I don't know if I ever told you, but for me, a kiss is the most intimate thing I can share with another human being.
I hope you don't mind, but I'm keeping your shirt. Although, if you asked, I'd probably give it back to you. It's lost your scent, which kinda bums me out. I don't know if you feel bad or not, but please don't. I want you to realize that I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm thanking you. You've opened my eyes and my heart. Because of you, I know that love does exist. Adam and Chelsea keep telling me that there are other guys out there, but I don't want anyone else. Maybe I'll get over you eventually, maybe I won't. Only time will tell. I'm a great writer, but I'm terrible at putting my feelings down on paper. So I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess. I'm also sorry for letting my feelings get in the way and complicating what we had. It would be so much easier if I could hate you, but I can't. It just doesn't work that way.
And so I've come to the end. I hope this hasn't upset you and I'd be surprised if you actually read this whole letter. I have so much more to say, but I can't find the words to say it. I just didn't want this to end without you knowing how I felt. Which is basically this: I love you, and you ever do think of me, I hope it's with a smile on your face.
Goodbye for now,
Starr
Ps. did I ever tell you that you're the only person I've ever let use my middle name?
Dannybear, sometimes Dan, but never Daniel,
So I have this thing; when I'm upset with or about someone, I write them a letter that I never actually give them. Obviously though, if you're reading this, I gave you yours. I don't know why, but for some reason I want you to know how I feel. I'm gonna be brutally honest and you probably won't like what I have to say... so if you don't wanna know, I suggest you stop reading and rip this to shreads. I'm sure I'll never know,
I started this whole thing as a way to cure my lonlieness. Alan and I had just broken up, and let's be honest, I wanted sex. You were incredibly sexy and you were willing. I figured that since we didn't know eachother, that this would be easy and I wouldn't get attatched to you. I was wrong. Somewhere along the way I started to really care about you. I pushed my feelings aside and kept going. I don't regret it. Although this is the worst I've ever felt, being with you was the happiest I've ever been. I've never been so confused about anything, or anyone in my life.
The weird thing is, it was never the sex that bothered me. It was the little things. The our secret meetings in the stairwell, the cuddling, the slow dance in the shower, the constant texting. It was the stray looks in class, the morning you sat on my bed and watched me get ready for school, the same day you left your stuff in my room. The way you held me that day in the stairwell while I cried, the night you were so worried about what I would think of your haircut. But most of all, it was the kisses. The way you kissed my forehead, my nose, even my hair. When you would leave my house, or wherever we happened to be, and you would say you had to go, but you'd kiss me again. And again, and again, and again. That's what really did it for me. I don't think you understand how much it meant to me to get out of the shower every morning and have a good morning text from you. Or the fact that you were always the last person I talked to before going to sleep. I just don't understand it. I would do anything if you'd asked. You were my first and I wouldn't change it for the world. I hope you don't regret me either. The day in the stairwell when I ended it, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took all my strength to pull my hand away from yours and push you back.
Thinking about you being with someone else physically hurts. I went to your game tonight, she was there. I don't know why I went, I knew it would shatter me. But, I care about you and I wanted support you. So I put on a fake smile, did my make up and pretended it didn't hurt. I left the gym a few times. I wonder if you even noticed. Probably not, why would you? I also wonder, after the game when I was talking to you, do you relize that everytime you turned around to look at her, my heart was breaking?
You're the only person that knows about my past before i moved here. That's something I want to make sure you know. I never lied to you, and I never held back. I've never been so open and honest with someone. I've also never changed myself for another person before, but the past month I've changed so much about me, just hoping to be everything you wanted and that you'd give me a chance.
I've never been one to believe in love, just lust and infatuatuon. So don't freak out, but what I guess I'm trying to say is that I love you. I hate myself for it, but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried. Whenever I'm around you I get tongue tied and I can't think. I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that people get on rollar coasters.
I was thinking about the future and I think I'll always remember you. You'll go on and your memory of me will start to fade and blur. I'll slip further from your mind day by day. Eventually you'll forget my name, until finally, you've forgotten me completely. That kills me. You're going to have an amazing life and I pray that you cling to memory as long as you can. I don't want you to forget me. You're an amazing person Dan, don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not. I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to know you, but maybe it's better this way. We only have a handful of weeks left of high school, then I won't have to face you everyday with a fake smile.
I'd take on the world if I thought it would help me keep you, but I guess I never really had you to begin with. I hope that the time we did spend together was good for you and that you have no regrets, because I don't. I hope that I was lucky enough to bring you even the littlest bit of happieness. If you ever need anything, I'll be here for you. I'm gonna miss you. I'll miss your cheesy smile and the way you twirl your pens in your hand. I'll miss your hands too. I'll miss your sniffling and the way you cracked your fingers. I'll miss your voice, I'll even miss your ugly, orange hoodie. I'll really miss kissing you and the way your lips taste. I don't know if I ever told you, but for me, a kiss is the most intimate thing I can share with another human being.
I hope you don't mind, but I'm keeping your shirt. Although, if you asked, I'd probably give it back to you. It's lost your scent, which kinda bums me out. I don't know if you feel bad or not, but please don't. I want you to realize that I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm thanking you. You've opened my eyes and my heart. Because of you, I know that love does exist. Adam and Chelsea keep telling me that there are other guys out there, but I don't want anyone else. Maybe I'll get over you eventually, maybe I won't. Only time will tell. I'm a great writer, but I'm terrible at putting my feelings down on paper. So I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess. I'm also sorry for letting my feelings get in the way and complicating what we had. It would be so much easier if I could hate you, but I can't. It just doesn't work that way.
And so I've come to the end. I hope this hasn't upset you and I'd be surprised if you actually read this whole letter. I have so much more to say, but I can't find the words to say it. I just didn't want this to end without you knowing how I felt. Which is basically this: I love you, and you ever do think of me, I hope it's with a smile on your face.
Goodbye for now,
Starr
Ps. did I ever tell you that you're the only person I've ever let use my middle name?
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks for reading :)