24 Hours

CHAPTER 1
It’s impossible to say what life was like before it was completely altered. In the course of 24 hours I:

1. Ate a total of 23 hostess cakes
2. Met a leprechaun (but he wasn’t really Irish)
3. Attempted my very first felony (note ATTEMPTED)
4. Won the lottery
5. Painted my toe nails zebra stripes. (and they were pink)
6. Shaved my head
7. Died my head pink (this was after the shaving)
8. Performed my very first blow job
9. Made out with an eighty-year old dude. (in my defense, he had an 8 pack)
10. Fell in love

***NOTE: This is a true story; one hundred percent nonfiction. Everything you read will be not only amazingly interesting, but it’s a biography of the day I officially failed my senior year. So if you choose to read, which you should, than you should just be aware that I don’t tolerate derisive use of articulates that show the incompetence of the average human mind. So basically: take me seriously or DIE.

CHAPTER 1.5

“Katy-Mare, this is a problem. If you fail the test on Friday, you will be academically expelled.” I look at her. The woman is off her nut.

“Is that legal? I mean are you allowed to punish me like this for being stupid?” Her face resembles one of the chick that looks like an eagle off of that one mountain dew commercial. Every time I see it I was to caw at her and see if she flies away. If only.

“Katy-Mare this is serious. Expulsion will mean summer school. Summer school means…” Blah, blah, blah. I swear she could bore a stoner on meth to death. (That rhymed, in case you didn’t notice.)

“Katy-Mare; look at me with respect. I want none of your slacking.” I wonder if anyone else realizes that when she’s angry she uses your name in every sentence. I slouch down lower in my seat and stare at the clock.

There is an eagle on it.

“Ms. Djuksnen, personally, I think graduation is a bit overrated. I have the knowledge I need and a job that no one else wants but pays good. Why do you insist on assing in on my life?” Her creepy nose twitches- if possible. It might be having a seizure. Man, that would be just incredible to witness.

“I am your counselor. My job is to “ass in” on your life. So you know what? That’s exactly what I’ll do. You are sentenced to an early out-of-school-but-in-school-camp for the remainder of the year.” I sit straight up.

“But I haven’t taken the test yet. If I pass that I still have a chance, right?” Another twitch.

“Technically; yes. But let’s look at the odds of this- I doubt you’ll pass.” Rude.

“Okay well let’s say I had a chance. You have let me at least try it.” Her whole body is completely rigid. It’s awesome.

“Technically I suppose I do.” I’m w-i-n-n-i-n-g.

“I’ll think I’m going to leave now. Call me into your office after my test.” I say. I rise and walk out the door calmly. I swear before I shut the door I hear a cawing-like sound.

Let me point out that this was last Friday. It’s Saturday now; going on Sunday.

Rest assured, I completely bombed the test. I’m not even completely sure what it was about; that’s how pointless it was. But I do know what the big red F meant. It meant time-to-live-your-life-in-a-hell-hole-with-a-witch. Pretty freaking wicked. (in the bad way, in case you didn’t know. I didn’t bother visiting Ms. Djuksnen’s office before I left. She’d find out eventually. Instead; I walked out to the south parking lot. That’s the cool one. Usually, I’d hang out with the stoners. Not today. I don’t really feel like taking in secondhand smoke with a guy who wouldn’t know my right boob from my left. (Alright, so maybe even I have a hard time deciphering that one. It’s hard when you’re looking in the mirror.)

Forest, the most badass dude ever was talking to a bunch of people excitedly.

“Come on! We only need one more person for duck, duck goose. Somebody.” I threw an empty pop can at his head.

“Hey Forest!” He turned his head. His eyes automatically lit up when he saw me.

“Libby!!!!!!!!”

***NOTE: Libby is a shortened version of Katy-Mare-stutters-when-she-talks-to-a-guy-she-likes-and-sounds-stupid-like-mad-libs-so-I-shall-call-her-Libby.

He ran up to me and engulfed me in a big hug.

“Hi.” I said. He kissed my cheek and set me down.

“Ohmygod, you know, you should- like- totally play duck, duck goose with me.” I giggled and shook my head.

“No thanks. Do you have a joint?” The smile he gave me reminded me of SpongeBob. It was that adorable.

“Not exactly. But there’s this stuff and duuuuuuuuude it’s freakingflyingbananasfantastic! You have to do some.” I laughed. Exactly every time I see him he’s on something. That includes people.

“Do you have your car?” He looked down and sighed.

“Psh, since when is my mom sober?” I blankly stared at him.

“Exactly. I think it’s safe to say I don’t even have a car anymore.”

“I bet you have a secret brother. Maybe even a secret monkey.” I said. He giggled.

“I think so. I had a dream about it once. It reoccurred for a week.” My phone buzzed in my pocket. How the hell did Ms. Djuksnen get my number? I clicked ignore and shut my phone off.

“Let’s get high.”