Live the Dream

Watching them fight because of me was intense. I never should've made the suggestion of being part of the band. I mean I thought I'd get along with everyone but I guess Autumn wasn't planning on being welcoming. She practically hated me.

But the moment those vile words sprung out from her mouth, I was speechless. I wanted to run away and hide in a cave. Who knew someone like her could say those things? I always thought that I was the only one who was supposed to think like that but apparently I wasn't the only one who hated me for what I did to Adam.

Once Autumn slammed her bedroom door shut, I made my way to the door. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes. I didn't want them to see me so weak. I've been pulling on a strong front for as long as I can remember and breaking the streak now would ruin everything for me.

"Addie, please don't leave," Liam begged right before I could twist the door knob.

"I-I can't stay," I said as I cried. I slid down the door half-embarrassed about the state I was in.

Liam wrapped his arms around me and ran a hand up and down my back. "She didn't mean what she said."

"Oh please, she was only stating the truth and you know it!” I said trying to push Liam away but failing miserably.

“Hey, don’t say that. We both know that that’s not true,” he told me as he stroked my hair.

“But it is,” I whispered more to myself than to Liam but he still heard it.

I cried some more even if I begged my eyes to stop. I knew I was still hurting inside but what I didn’t know was that I was hurting too much. Ever since he passed away, I was never able to find complete closure in anything. I always told myself I’d move on by either forgetting anything ever happened or by living life as if he never came into it. But little did I know that with that stuff set in mind, I was heading for a rough landing when I take a trip down memory lane. And this, this was it. This was the time I realized that I never should have kept everything I felt inside about losing him to myself. I should’ve vented in some way but instead, I’m here in his bandmates’ apartment crying my eyes out.

After a few more minutes of just staying in place with Liam’s arms around me and my head on his chest, Skyler grabbed a bottle of water from their refrigerator and offered it to me. I smiled as I thanked him and watched him sit right in front of Liam and me. He grabbed one of my hands and squeezed a little before returning a sheepish smile.

“We all lost him and we don’t blame you for it. What he did and how he ended up was all on him. You had no fault in the matter,” Skyler said rubbing the top of my hand with his thumb.

“How can you guys say that? He never would’ve driven under the influence if he and I never-”

“Addie, that’s enough!” Liam reprimanded, pulling away a few inches.

I stayed quiet. I was a little startled about that little outburst. I bit my lip as a fresh batch of tears rushed out of my eyes. Liam tried to wipe them away but I just shook my head telling him that it was useless.

I didn’t know how much longer stayed in silence like that. But the silence didn’t feel awkward at all. We were all suffering because of the same cause and I was more than glad to know that there were others who were going through the same rough patch. I don’t think I’d make it alone. I’ve never actually gone through anything alone. He was always there with me and without him, nothing was ever the same anymore.

My back had started to ache from hunching too much. I gently pushed Liam’s arms off me, telling him that I needed to do something. He just nodded and helped both Skyler and I up. I looked at Autumn’s door and prepared myself for the worst.

They watched me cautiously as I knocked on her door. I breathed in heavily as I waited for her to open up. Fortunately for me, when she opened it, she didn’t shut it in my face right away.

“What do you want?” she asked cocking an eyebrow. She had bloodshot eyes. She’d been crying just like me.

“I know you must really hate me for something that I did and I never meant to hurt you in any way but if you’re not up to the suggestion that I made, then at least try and look for a new drummer and I’ll try to help the band the best I can,” I told her through ragged breaths. I didn’t know why I was so scared but with the way she looked at me – like she was about to drive a knife to my heart and stab me a million times in the same spot – made me feel frightened.

She didn’t say anything. She just looked past me and rolled her eyes. I didn’t want to ask her to do things she didn’t want and I was sure she got enough of that from both Liam and Skyler. So once I heard nothing more from her, I made my way out of the apartment only to be stopped by a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, look, I may not like you or anything but if you’re really interested, I think we might as well hand the position to you. Besides, whether I want to yell it out or not, the band in going down in the dumps and no one’s doing anything about it,” she said, looking at Liam and Skyler who shamefully looked at their feet.

“You’re serious?” I asked getting a little pumped.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I consider you my friend. You’re just a part of the band.”

I might have been shut down by the statement but at least I can try and help the band and live the dream that Adam always wanted to live down.