Another Memory

Gerard’s P.O.V.:

I couldn’t keep my gaze off of Alison sat beside me in my shitty car as she went through an old sketching pad I’d left lying around under the seat. Luckily we’d parked on the side of a quiet street beside a park, otherwise we’d probably be in hospital by now. My hands were shaking and I wasn’t sure why, putting it down to it just being the weather. I turned the engine back on and cranked the heat, and then Alison opened the window.

“Gees, it’s a bit hot in here, yeah?” she commented, waving in cool air towards her face.

“My hands are shaking,” I said, and her eyes left my drawing of Batman to see.

“They are a little. That’s odd…”

“Mmm.” We sat in silence for a bit as she finished going through my sketches, commenting every now and then on how she wished she could draw as well as I could.

“Can I see your more recent sketches?” she asked once she was done, but no, that’d never happen.

“They’re personal, really.”

“Like how?” I didn’t want her knowing I’d made sketches of her, and my most recent sketchpads were littered with them.

“They just are, okay?”

“Alright…” Silence again.

“I’ll see if I can find a suitable one for you to look through, or something.”

“Thank you Gerard.” I found it odd that she seemed so interested in my art, but then she was pretty good at it herself.

“You know that gummy bear painting of yours?” She nodded. “Frank placed it in the kitchen and now his whole family goes through gummy cravings when they’re in the room too long.” She giggled, and I smiled, then shifted the gear into drive. On the way back home she continued to go through my car looking for things to do, and I got worried as she suddenly stopped. “What’d you find there?” I asked, unable to believe my car could harbour any more junk. From under the seat she pulled out a cassette tape, and I knew exactly which one it was. Before I thought to snatch it from her she placed it in the stereo and my hand couldn’t move fast enough to turn the volume down.

“Without a sound I took her down,
And dressed in red and blue I squeezed.
Imaginary wedding gown,
That you can't wear in front of me.
A kiss goodbye, your twisted shell,
As rice grains and roses fall at your feet.
Let’s say goodbye, the hundredth time,
And then tomorrow we'll do it again.
Tomorrow we’ll do it again.”

“Whoa, this is you,” she said, slapping my hand away as I went to stop my voice from filling my car. She listened intently for the remaining three and a half minutes of the song before finally letting me turn it off. “That was…”

“Yeah I know. It was just a little experiment with a friend of mine from Art College, really, nothing serious.”

“No Gerard, that was really good. I loved it.” I didn’t know what to say. I’d not showed it to many people before and to those that I did, their opinions never meant as much as Alison’s did to me. “What’s the song about? Did you write it?”

“It’s about this girl I was seeing a while ago now, and just how stupid our being together was. It’s called Drowning Lessons.” I glanced across at her briefly as I drove on a straight, worried by the expression forming on her face. A tear rolled down her cheek and a constrained cry came from her throat, but her face was as dead as ever. “What’s wrong? Do you want me to stop the car?” She was beginning to look rather ill.

“For the love of God keep driving. Stop when we’re home,” she said quickly, burying her head in her hands. I had no idea what I’d done to upset her, but I deeply regretted it.

I parked my car on the side of the road outside my house and turned to face Alison, her head still in her hands on her lap.

“What did I do?” I asked, hoping it was nothing all that serious. She shook her head and cried a little harder.

“You didn’t do anything,” she eventually got out, though I found that hard to believe.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I offered, but my words seemed to fall upon deaf ears. My hand found the back of her neck in an attempt to comfort her as we sat there for quite some time, the tears still leaving her eyes. “Let’s go inside, yeah? You can stay the night okay?” She nodded her head before wiping her eyes on her jacket sleeve and getting out the car, barely throwing me a glance.

She didn’t talk when we got inside, but instead fell asleep sprawled across my bed. I took off her shoes and jacket and placed them beside my desk, studying her face in the barely lit room before joining her in sleep.

“Gerard?” Somebody shook me once again, and this time I woke up enough to register it as someone wanting my attention.

“Mmm?” I’d almost forgotten that Alison had stayed the night, but there she was, staring me in the face.

“Can you pass some of the blankets over?” I looked across to find that I’d stolen all the sheets and left her freezing at what must have been about three in the morning. I untwisted myself from their comfort and handed them her way, receiving a lovely smile for doing so.

“Are you feeling better now?” I asked softly, wiping the hair from her face to catch a glimpse of her eyes. They adverted to the ceiling as I stared, and still I got no answer.

“You drove down a street I don’t go down anymore, that’s all,” she said, closing her eyes once more.

“Why not?”

“It’s personal, really,’ she replied, and I knew she’d only said it because I’d said the same thing earlier about my sketches. But I had to know why she was upset, and so I had to sacrifice my sanity for her. I got up and crossed my room to search for a sketch – any sketch – to keep her happy and willing to talk. My eyes rested upon my most recent sketching pad and I hesitated for a bit, though turned the lamp on eventually and placed the sketches in her hands.

“Here.”

“What’s this?”

“This is…very personal.” She sat up a little and started going through the pictures of various comic book characters, people, and objects I’d sketched within the past couple of months, stopping once her eyes rested upon the one I knew was sure to be in there somewhere. Her cheeks turned a brilliant red in colour and I smiled, getting ready for either a compliment or a screaming match.

“Gerard… This is me.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You turned something ordinary into something beautiful.” I wished she didn’t just call herself ordinary, but didn’t want to argue that tonight. I had other things on my mind.

“Why were you crying so profoundly earlier, Alison?” She put my sketches aside and sat up a little further, motioning for me to join her in bed once again.

“I uhh, well I mentioned we passed a street I don’t go down anymore. A park, to be exact.” I knew the park she was speaking of, the park with the duck pond that’d been my ticket to hospital once so many years ago.

“What’s it about the park you don’t like?” I asked softly, running my hand along the side of hers.

“The pond,” she whispered. Funny, that…

“What happened?”

“My brother… Well, he killed himself a few years ago. He drowned himself, Gerard. I guess the name of your song just sent me over the edge before. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not gonna believe this,” I started, “but I almost died in that pond.”

“Don’t fucking bullshit me, Gerard. This is a touchy subject. Do you have no heart!?” I waited for her to calm down before I spoke again.

“It was 5 years ago now,” I said softly, unable to keep eye contact. “I was so close, and sometimes I wish they’d just never have called the ambulance.”

“I don’t… I can’t…”

“I’m fine, hun. The kids that did it to me got what they deserved in life, and I’m still here.”

“I can’t talk about this,” she said, before turning to face the other way.

“Sometimes, it’s good to talk things through. Clear your head.” I sighed as I realised she wasn’t taking to it all that well. “You help me clear my head.”

“I don’t want to deal with it, Gerard. I’ll never deal with it. It’s easier to avoid that damn park for the rest of my life as opposed to getting through what it did to me. He was my family. He was my best friend.”

“I’m not saying I’ve dealt with it all too well, either, but I know from experience that it’s bad not to deal with things like this eventually. It catches up with you.”

“You said you were fine.” I was silent for a moment as I decided whether telling her the truth was wise or not.

“I still wish it’d killed me. I currently live with the hope of an overdose, the hope of a bad night out drinking…the hope of death finding its way to me very soon.”

“How can you say that?” She’d turned back around to face me now, but the tears had returned to her eyes.

“I don’t mean to upset you, but that’s the truth. I’m…I’m so fuckin’ lonely. I’m alone.”

“You are not alone, you moron. People love you.”

“My mother? Father? Mikey? Sure, but that’s expected.”

“I love you.” I paused for a moment, waiting for her to take it back.

“You love me?”

“I love you. You’re a great person, Gerard.” I wasn’t sure how she’d meant it until her lips touched against mine for the shortest amount of time, and even then I wasn’t sure how to take it. “But I understand and respect that you’re not in a relationship for the long-haul.

“I –”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, but you’re not alone.” I wanted more than anything in that moment to tell her how I felt, and that it’d be worth sorting my life out for her. I’d give up the poison, the pills, and leave the broken hearts behind me for this girl. Though I knew I had a long road ahead of me before I was ready to be a decent boyfriend, one that would be there every weekend to watch romantic comedies under the blankets with her. That’s what she deserved, really, and I couldn’t provide her with it. My gaze turned back to her to find she’d fallen asleep, and her innocence astounded me. There she lay, her beauty radiating from her skin, the skin I wanted to kiss and touch and call the body within my own.