Another Memory

Gerard’s P.O.V.:

Another long night, I thought, the music pounding right through my very bones. By now you’d think I’d have learnt that I wasn’t part of this scene, but still I tried. Besides, a free drink was a free drink. I smiled across at Tabitha as she winked at me yet again, dreading that she’d been flirting all night. I wasn’t up for it and besides, I’d probably not know what to do with her regardless. I’d not been with a girl in months, and I didn’t see that changing any time soon. She could beat her fake lashes at me all she wanted and still, I knew I’d not be taken by it. She wasn’t my type and I sure as hell knew I wasn’t hers. She was quite drunk. I guess that’s what happens when a bunch of college students get together.

I trudged home in the dark, knowing better than to get behind the wheel this time. Last time I’d been lucky. So far, it hadn’t been my lucky day. Things didn’t appear to be any better for me as I arrived home to a locked door. Isn’t it weird that the key never fits at 3AM no matter how many times you try to force it in the lock? Mikey appeared at the door a few moments later, stopping me before I stabbed the key into his stomach. Okay, so I was pretty drunk. He took one look at me then sighed. He knew me too well sometimes. It’d been one too many times that I’d gone out and vowed the next morning to never do it again. It’d been one too many times I’d ended up in the emergency room, that disappointed look showing through his tear-stained face tearing me in two. I watched through blurred vision as he silently made his way into my room and took away the medication he was aware I had, and then left me alone to sleep.

I sat up for a little while as I fell in and out of consciousness thinking that maybe, just maybe, it’d be better if I weren’t here after all. I couldn’t disappoint my brother if I weren’t, and I couldn’t drag the people around me down any longer. These thoughts were never vocalised of course, yet thought in abundance. I knew that to be wrong. I peered over towards my bookcase, knowing very well where I’d hidden the pills. Though I passed out before I’d made the effort to get up, I awoke with the thought still running through my mind.

One cold shower and two hot cups of coffee later, and I was ready for the world once more. My thoughts were at the back of my mind to push all the ideas forward as I headed off to art school, the smallest of springs in my step. I hadn’t even needed a smoke that morning. I’d survived a second night out drinking without waking up in a hospital bed, and was feeling quite proud of myself. Perhaps I was over the hump, I thought, but soon shook the thought from my mind. I’d still been way too drunk and way too unhappy with it. I wasn’t sure why I kept doing it to myself, just that I felt I needed to. People could tell me I was in the wrong; they could tell me I was the fool. Their words always fell upon a deaf man, so it seemed.