Another Memory

Gerard’s P.O.V.:

I half ran down the hallway as I heard someone knock on the door to what I thought to be the living room, finding my judgement to be correct as I didn’t slam straight into a wall. I was very thankful for that. I almost slipped as I took the corner to my room as I had only socks on my feet, though managed to keep my balance. I softly closed my bedroom door behind me and went to light a few candles, messing up my desk a little to make myself seem busy. Why the hell had I gone and done that? I heard her voice and with her hands on my chest like that, it was impossible not to at least try and kiss her. I was certain there was more than just me in that room as I’d heard them snigger upon the doorhandle being turned, and so I was certainly not about to be accused of anything I’d rather keep a secret for the time being. She couldn’t know it was me. Mikey would never be able to see it from my point of view and forgive me. I’d not kissed a girl in far too long, and certainly hadn’t had one hold me so close like that in a good couple of months. I would have been the fool not to take advantage of that situation.

Alison was still running through my thoughts as I woke the next morning, and I almost thought I should just own up and tell her it was me. I could’ve made it all seem a big mistake, I’m sure, and she’d be none the wiser. She’d probably be stressing over who it was and what it meant to them by now and though I didn’t wish that stress upon her, I simply couldn’t take it away from her. Was kissing her friend’s older brother she barely knew really any better than kissing a stranger? At least this stranger could be young, attractive, and have that mystery about them. I never had any of that. To most girls I was that strange ugly guy who was so clearly way too into comic books and cartoons leering at them from the corner of the pub. Of course they weren’t to know I was in fact drawing them on a spare napkin I’d found, though most would probably find that all the more creepy. I’d drawn Alison after meeting her for the first time. She was in her forest with her gummy bear friends, the only person not being disembowelled by them. She was very easy to draw, as most the angels I drew had all the same features she did. I found that a comforting thought; that there were angels here on Earth.

Eventually I ventured out of my room for coffee and a cigarette, stopping in the kitchen for the former of the two first. It was always a hard decision in the morning whether to have a coffee or a smoke first. If I didn’t have a coffee then I’d not be awake enough to enjoy anything, and if I didn’t have a smoke then I’d not be calm enough to wait for my coffee to cool before taking a sip. My dilemma wasn’t that great, though I had to face it each morning I decided to wake up. There were of course those mornings I’d not leave my room. I’d lean out of the small window above my bedside table to have a smoke and drink the cold coffee I seemed to keep in abundance in my room. It wasn’t the best, but it got me through the hours until I was ready to leave that comforting darkness. I tried not to think about the last of those mornings, as it had been a long time ago now. I didn’t want to be repeating such days, but I knew I’d have one again eventually. No one was perfect. I was not perfect.