Sweet Child O' Mine

“All I want is you to understand
That when I take your hand
It's 'cause I want to
We are all born in a world of doubt
But there's no doubt
I figured out
I love you…”

I really fucking hate the radio. Whoever requested this song I swear is trying to make me cry.

I ran a hand through my messy black bed hair and switched off my radio. I couldn’t stand another minute of that song. It wasn’t a bad song; it was actually a really beautiful and sweet. It was the perfect love song but…it reminded me too much of Casey. After last night, she was the last thing I wanted to think about. Last night’s dream just left me too shaken up; Casey’s image was still burnt into my mind. Her blue eyes, her bleach bond hair, her amazing smile…she’s still gone. The perfect angel.

My phone buzzed on my bed-side table. I was still on the ground, leaning against the side of my oversized bed. I was wishing I was finally waking up from a nightmare, and that Casey was trying to call me. But I knew that wasn’t the case, and tears formed back into my eyes. They never left my eyes, but it made everything I saw a blur.

After the fifth ring my answering machine picked up. I just stared at my phone on the table, wishing it would just shut the fuck up. My tattooed arms were wrapped around my knees. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I felt weak, hopeless. Even after thirteen years, the scars still remain.

After my voice ended on my voicemail, Johnny’s voice spoke in my phone. And boy did he sound pissed.

“Zacky, I don’t know what the fuck you did, but you need to get your ass over here right now. Someone here has been asking about you, and he’s talking to Hayley. And this unwelcome guest is really getting on my nerves. So come pick him up and get him out of my fucking house!”

I honestly didn’t expect to get that phone call. And I honestly have no idea who he was talking about. I thought to myself that maybe I didn’t need to go over to Johnny’s home to pick up whoever the fuck was bugging him. But then I thought about how Hayley was over there, and this stranger was talking to her. And if this person knew me, they might know that Hayley is actually my daughter!

I jumped up at the idea and immediately began getting dressed. I slipped off my red and black checkered pajama pants and slipped on my jeans. I checked the time again. 10:34. Damn, how long has that person been at the house? It’s still pretty early.

I slipped on my blue and white flannel shirt and just some random black shoes. I glanced at myself in the mirror. My hair was still messy and I didn’t even look half decent. I actually looked and felt like shit, but my daughter needed me, and I honestly could care less. I grabbed my cell phone and ran in my house and out the front door to my car.

I opened the door and slammed the key into the ignition. I turned the car on, and the motor and the radio both blasted.

“Hold on slow down
Again from the top now and tell me everything.
I know I`ve been gone for
What seems like forever
But I`m here now waiting
To convince you that I`m not
A ghost or a stranger
But closer than you think
She said just go on to what you
Pretend is your life but
Please don`t die on me!”

I backed out of my driveway as fast as I could, the volume on the radio cranked up as loud as it could go. I needed to drown out all thoughts of Casey and focus on what challenge I was facing up ahead. And a song like this gets me so pumped up and focus.

I slammed down on the accelerator, my wheels squealed as the rubber burned, and I sped down the street. My speedometer needle went up past 90 when the speed limit on my street was only 45. The police can kiss my ass if they have a problem with my speed. I have bigger problems than their stupid signs.

AT JOHNNY’S HOUSE

I jumped out of my car and ran up the driveway. A black rental SUV was parked in the driveway. Oh that helps tell me who’s here at Johnny’s house. I shook my head at the shiny car and hopped onto the front step of Johnny’s home. I balled my hand into a fist and pounded on the door.

The door suddenly opened and an annoyed Johnny stood in front of me. I was pounded on the door so hard that I didn’t hear Johnny coming to the door.

“Oh yeah, break the fucking door. That’s cool,” Johnny sarcastically said as he looked at his door. I shook my head and pushed past him and entered his house. That really must have sent him over the edge. I knew he was pissed already by whoever was pissing him off, but my forcefully entering his house just finally made him snap. How do I know this? Does him slamming the door shut and him coming over towards me and putting his hands on my collar to lift me off the ground answer your question?

Well he didn’t lift me off the ground, but he did slam me against the wall. Memories of the day that Johnny found me and Casey sleeping together came back to me. I had a bad feeling that might just happen again right now. That little shit can fight, and I got the scars to prove it.

Johnny got right up in my face and spat, “Listen Baker. I don’t have the time or patience to deal with your shit today. Your fucking brother is talking to Hayley, Rose, and Jake right now, and he’s being a total bastard. He says he needs to talk to you. So get your fucking brother and get the fuck out of my home.” Oh God, Matt.

Johnny peeled my back off the wall and pushed me in the direction of the kitchen. I nearly lost my balance and fell to the ground, but I regained it and brushed off my shirt. Son of a bitch, Johnny. Is it someone’s time of the month?

I started towards the kitchen that I’ve been in so many times before. Now I could hear my brother’s annoying voice. It sounds snotty and crackly. Yeah I know, sounds bad. Well I had to live with that shit ass voice and person for over eighteen years until I finally moved out the house.

I couldn’t hear or understand what they were talking about; all I knew was that my brother wouldn’t shut up. I finally got close enough to hear at least part of what they were saying.

“….Yeah, Zack was really good friends with Casey. In fact, he knocked her up.” Okay, I needed to stop what the fuck my brother was saying.

I stomped into the kitchen and found Jagger, Hayley, and Rose all sitting on one side of the table, all surprised smiles on their faces, while my brother was sitting on the other side, his mouth wide open to speak again.

“Okay, Matt, I think we’ve all heard enough, and-“

“Uncle Zacky knocked up Aunt Casey?” My daughter laughed out loud. I glanced down at her. Oh the fucking irony. Even Matt looked like he was regretting what he said. And damn well he should.

Hayley glanced up at me with smiling eyes and mouth. Her face, her eyes, her hair, her smile...All I saw was Casey. Last night just flooded back into my head and I could already feel myself tear up. The lump in my throat appeared again. The lyrics from the song I heard this morning sang sweetly in my mind:

“All I want is you to understand that when I take your hand it's 'cause I want to.”

I hung my head cause I didn’t want to look at Hayley’s face anymore. It hurt too much to.

“Um guys, I think me and Uncle Zacky should leave,” Matt softly told the kids as he picked up on the hint that I was upset. I could tell that the kids also knew that I was upset cause the room reached an uncomfortable silence.

“Uncle Zacky…I’m sorry…I didn’t realize…” Hayley quietly apologized to me. I glanced back over to her to see her near tears. Oh please don’t cry Zackie. If I would see a single tear fall from her eye, I would lose it and start crying myself.

“Its fine,” I cracked out, but I didn’t even believe myself that it was okay. And Zackie noticed that too. She hung her head and stared down into her lap. At that moment, Matt got up quietly and walked over towards me. He put a hand on my shoulder and mouthed ‘Let’s go.’

I nodded and we both silently walked out of the kitchen. Even though my brother could be a knucklehead sometimes, he always pulled through for me when I needed it most.

On our way out, we passed Johnny in the living room. He was standing, but he was blankly staring at the TV. I kept my head down because I didn’t want him to notice my pain. But Matt glanced over at him, causing Johnny to look at us, disgustingly. “Good riddance,” I heard Johnny mumbled. I felt rage build inside of me and I was about to go over to him and wrap my hand around his neck, straggling every last breath out of him. I could honestly kill him for every single moment of pain he’s caused me. But I couldn’t bring myself to actual do anything. I was too upset to do anything. Plus it just wasn’t about me; it was about how Johnny is actually doing a great job of raising Zackie. She wasn’t living a messed up life, she’s a smart kid, she isn’t into drugs or anything, she is extremely sweet and kind, and she was doing great in school. Johnny wasn’t doing anything wrong to her. She was happy living here, and I couldn’t take her happiness away from her. How would I look to her if I just suddenly attacked her ‘father’ for ‘no reason’?

Matt opened the door for me, and I slowly stepped outside. I hadn’t looked up since the kitchen, and I finally did at the sound of my brother’s voice.

“Hey Zack, I’ll meet you at your house. I’m going to have to take the rental car over there. Are you okay to drive by yourself?”

“Yeah…I’ll be fine,” I murmured, my eyes now dry. My brother’s eyes showed that he was concerned, which meant a lot to me. I knew he probably didn’t believe me that when I said I’ll be fine, but he just looked at me and then walked to the black SUV. He was nearly out of Johnny’s driveway before I actually moved from his front step.

I slowly reached for the car door handle and yanked it open. I sat inside my luxurious car for a moment in pure silence before I turned on the car and closed the door. The radio blasted just like I had left it.

“She fucking hates me,
Trust,
She fucking hates me,
La la la love,
I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none,
And ripped them away…”

The song didn’t really apply to me right now, but it sure did put me in a bad mood. The radio sure wanted to be my enemy today.

HAYLEY’S POV

I really felt bad about what I said to Uncle Zacky. I forgot that if he did knock up my aunt, he would have had a son or daughter. He probably would have loved that kid with his whole heart. And I was stupid enough to say such a rude comment. He probably hates me now.

“Hay, are you okay?” I heard my sister ask me, concernedly. I felt a hand rest on my upper back. I looked up from staring at my lap, and I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“Ya. I just feel bad for Uncle Zacky,” I mumbled. Rose glanced at her boyfriend, worried, and then looked back at me and nodded with a frown on her face. Jagger got up without saying a word and left the kitchen. He was probably going home. I sighed and got up from the table.

“Hayley, what are you going to do?” Rose asked me, worry heavy in her voice. I turned towards her and stared into her hazel eyes.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I just don’t know.”