'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

This was it. The final straw. I had had enough of him and the way he acted like nothing was going on. He had promised that everything would always be good between us, even through all the petty fights and stupid arguments. I wasn't clingy, I didn't demand that we be together every second of the day. I was perfectly fine when we didn't see each other for days and would only speak at night -though there hadn't been many days like that since summer had officially ended. Even though we loved each other, we had gotten passed the point where it was essential in our minds to be holding hands all the time. I couldn't take being ignored though. I couldn't stand that he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence when he walked into the room I occupied. I loved him, but it seemed like I was wearing out in his mind. Maybe because we got to see each other much more than we had in years. I was suddenly old news and he didn't want me around anymore.

After thinking everything through, I wrote a note to tell him exactly what I felt and that I wasn't sticking around. Some words were smudged, run together because of the tears that had fallen on them. After staying strong for so long with him, it was hard not to cry when I knew it was over and I had to explain to him that that's what my heart was telling me. He would get the gist of the letter though, if he didn't already know my plans. I left it in his bunk, the place where we had slept soundly together so many nights because it was just hard to sleep on my own on the bus. It would be waiting there for him to read when he got back from soundcheck. Or maybe not. He knew my handwriting so well. Maybe he would give it one look before throwing it in the trash. I wouldn't put it passed him with the way everything was going. I wasn't important to him anymore.

I thought I could be done with this part of my life where pessimism took over. I hated that I was back to jumping to conclusions. There just didn't seem to be a point to keeping them at bay when the man I loved no longer loved me. Another assumption. Did he really not love me anymore? I wasn't sticking around to find out. I couldn't. I didn't want to have to deal with the heartache if it were true. The heartache I was bringing on myself by never knowing was easier. Like running. I was always going to be fantastic at running from all of these problems.

The bus was nearly empty, only one person in the front lounge making any noise. With one last glance at the single sheet of paper resting on the rumpled sheets, I grabbed my bags and headed out to see who was skipping out on soundcheck. Grieco was searching through the fridge, glancing up at me when he heard me coming. His forehead wrinkled in confusion and his body straightened automatically at the sight of my luggage, but his eyes softened almost instantly. I managed a small smile at him as I nodded to let him know his suspicions were correct, that I had finally let the somber mood I had been in for days get to me. Not wanting to have to wait around much longer in fear someone else would show up, I told him to call me when they got home so we could hang out. I hadn't seen enough of him since high school. As soon as the word goodbye left his mouth, I was off the bus and headed down the street to call a cab.

The entire ride to the airport and the whole flight, I couldn't believe I was doing this. I contemplated the possibility that I had a tumor or some other brain altering problem that was making me do crazy and ridiculous things. The two of us had been so ecstatic for me to be on this tour, to be the romantics we were together across the whole country. And now here I was, breaking bank to get home all because he hadn't spoken to me in days. I was being immature and taking it too far. The logic was coming out the further I got from him, but more questions came along with it. I couldn't answer them all, barely even cracking a couple of them. But thinking of all this was all I could do not to cry again. Weakness was something I didn't want to show in front of so many strangers, and especially not over him for the hundredth time.

Walking through BWI with all of my belongings I had taken on the tour, I didn't even think about going home. The dreary little apartment didn't even cross my mind. In a new cab, I told the driver to bring me to the house I had only been to a handful of times since it had been occupied by a few of the people I loved. Seeing the three people there would probably cure my grief quickly, if only for a short time. The car of my best friend's fiancé was in the driveway, so I didn't hesitate to get out of the taxi and pull my things from the trunk. I paid the driver, my eyes locked on the front window where I could see the little boy making his action figures fly above his head. I couldn't wait to hug him and make believe everything was all right outside of that living room.

The sound of my knuckles wrapping against the door was almost ominous, only reminding me that I was home too early. The feeling disappeared as soon as the door was pulled back, Marshall standing on the other side. I flashed him a smile, trying to make it believable as he said my name in surprise. I greeted him as he stepped aside to let me in, setting my heavy bags out of the way before I was even invited to stay. Hadley looked up from her spot on the couch, setting aside the bridal magazine to join all the others she had surely been glued to for months now and Daniel exclaimed my name. For the time being, coming home didn't seem so bad. I had three people pleased to see me right here.

"What the hell are you doing here?" my best friend asked, making her way to me with her arms already extended to envelope me in a hug. Her words were only questioning and curious, not angry because she wanted me gone. She knew the tour wasn't over yet and she was obviously confused as to why I'd be back in Maryland a week early. That question was asking so many more that were hidden beneath the surface. If I was here, were the boys? If they were, why wasn't there one attached to my hand? If they were, then why was everyone home so early? If they weren't, then what had happened to make me break off from them? But she would only stick to that one question and let everything else play out so I didn't feel like I was going through a long interrogation.

Under normal circumstances, I probably would have burst out crying. The person I was though, I wasn't even sure that would have happened. I was fairly good at hiding my emotions, plus I never acted in the way people really were expected to. But in this moment, this situation, I couldn't even force myself to shed a tear if I were asked to. I just gave her the same sad smile I had given Grieco when we pulled away from each other. "It's a long story," I said to her. "I'll tell you about it in a little bit." I wasn't sure I wanted to get into it in front of Marshall let alone Daniel.

"Oh, Clarke," she cooed, her face immediately softening. "What happened with Alex?" she asked. She didn't even have to have any confirmation to know it was relationship problems. Him and I had obviously already been through enough that my best friend knew my tone of voice when something new happened between the two of us. What she didn't know yet was that there was no longer a relationship to speak of and this may be the last time she ever heard this melancholy tone.

"Where Alex?" a small voice inquired, too young to know to use linking verbs. I looked down to the little boy who I hadn't even noticed was attached to my leg. Daniel was peering up at me, his green eyes full of wonder at where his friend was.

I bent down to his height, picking him up to perch on my knee when he let go of me. "Alex is still on tour, buddy. Remember how you saw him play with Jack and the others a couple weeks ago?" He nodded vigorously, his enthusiasm from that night coming back with no problem. For only being three, he had certainly had a good time watching music he didn't yet understand. "Well, he has a few more shows like that to play. He'll be home soon. Maybe mommy will take you to see him when he is," I suggested which made his eyes shine with excitement. I surely couldn't make sure that the little boy got to see the man I loved, but I knew Hadley would make it happen if Daniel asked enough.

With a tiny kiss on my cheek, Daniel hopped off my knee and went back to the toys he had dropped to come over to me. I stood up again, meeting my best friend's gaze which had turned to concern with what I'd told her son. She didn't want to wait for the story now that she knew I wouldn't go to see him. She wanted to hear it at this very moment so she could hurry up and kill Alex if she had to. I didn't want that though. I still wasn't sure who was at fault here and I didn't really want her to throw blame at either one of us. I looked away from her, turning to Marshall for a distraction.

"Taking part in Novembeard, I see," I commented with a giggle. I had never seen him anything but clean-shaven, and I thought this new look suited him quite well. It wasn't as far along as some of the beards I had seen already this month, but I could imagine he would never want to get to that point.

He chuckled, his hand shooting up to scratch at the light-colored hair on his chin. "I suppose I am. It's something different. Hadley likes that I look like a lumberjack," he sated, shaking his head as he continued to laugh. He stopped abruptly, staring over my shoulder with scared eyes. "Daniel, why don't we go start dinner?" he asked the little boy, holding his hand out for him to take.

I turned back around just in time to see Hadley's face change from her death glare to her innocent smile. Daniel bounced up from the floor again to follow his father, hooking his little hand into the larger one. The moment they were out of sight through the doorway, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the couch quite forcefully. I looked back at my bags, willing them to turn into living creatures and help me by tugging me the other way. Maybe torn in two by the separate forces acting against each other, I would finally be able to see clearly. My imagination was entirely too active and unreasonable.

She opened her mouth to ask what was going on once we were seated, with me slightly obscure and almost lying across her lap. But I started first after sitting up and making myself a bit more presentable. There was no getting out of this because she was going to be as persistent as ever to make me talk. Why delay it any longer just for a few words which I already knew would be a question I would be forced to answer? "He hasn't spoken to me in… I don't know how long. I don't know why, but I couldn't handle it. I left. I'm still wondering if he'll notice," I added to myself as an afterthought.

"Clarke!" Hadley yelled in shock, breaking my reverie. "Are you absolutely kidding me right now? Again?! You left again?" This really hadn't been the reaction I foresaw. She couldn't believe it. She was trying so hard to get me to tell her I was joking. Like I could really joke about something like this when it was clearly breaking my heart to the point where I pretended like it wasn't.

"No, not again. Everyone knows where I'm going to be. Fuck, no one is ever going to let me forget that. You left, too, you know! I wasn't the only one that left them all behind." I was just rambling now because I was more than over remembering those days. She was right though. I had left again. I didn't wait around for an answer. I didn't tell him face-to-face that I was two steps from loosing my mind over this. I was a coward through and through, but it honestly felt like the best way. This time though, he knew where to find me. And if he wanted me back, he could come to me. It really wasn't all that hard.

"Clarke, you're my best friend and I don't want you to get offended," she began, taking a deep breath to break whatever news this was to me. I was prepared to be offended now. Those words were always a contradiction. "Sweetie, I think you're afraid of commitment. Every time you find something good, you let it go. This is the third time you've let Alex go, and it hasn't even been six months since you got back together. Soon enough, he's not going to come back when you decide it's time to be on again because you've been apart long enough to ensure you won't ever go further in the relationship," she said, shaking her head.

She really wasted no time at all making me feel terrible about this. As if I already hadn't. But I knew she had the best intentions and just wanted me to see. If I disagreed with her, then I could easily go back to Alex and apologize for being so stupid and dramatic. We could look back on this and laugh and tell each other that we would be together forever while we kissed. But I couldn't disagree with her. I had broken up with Alex to be with Jack. I had left Jack to go to NYU. I had fought with Alex because he wanted to be with me. Now I up and left again because I was too afraid to ask what was going on. Maybe commitment was the big picture here that scared me to death.

"Maybe I am," I whispered, hanging my head low. I looked at my fingers, bending the ones on my right hand every which way. That was the hand he always held, the side he always occupied. Did I want him to be there for the rest of our forever? "I do keep running, and that can't be good for either of us." I let out a long sigh. I had already pointed out my outstanding ability to run. I couldn't think straight. This was presenting more and more questions when I hadn't even been able to handle the others.

"Oh, Goddamn it," Hadley cursed from beside me. My head snapped up, almost ready to see that the boys were burning something in the kitchen or even that I had upset her by having a negative reaction to her suggestion. Her face was sad when I glanced at her though and she wrapped her arms around me again. "I just planted probably the worst thing possible in your head. I'm sorry. Forget I ever said it," she demanded, petting my hair like I was going to start bawling at any second.

It was already stuck there though, making me begin to believe it and it wasn't going to be easy to forget like she wanted me to. I just nodded a bit so she would think I was actually going to be able to do as she asked and let her squeeze me until she was sure I was going to be okay. Okay wasn't really in my vocabulary for my emotions today. She didn't need to know that, no matter how obvious it might have been. I wasn't going to cry though. My tear ducts had been as dry as the desert since I had stepped through that door.

"Stay for dinner," she demanded in her cheerful voice more than suggested, standing up from the couch like a shot. "Hell, stay for as long as you need. We have the extra bedroom and you need company right now. It'll be like New York again, but better!" She found my hand and pulled me up with her. She was smiling brightly now as she dragged me to the kitchen to help Marshall and Daniel with the dinner tasks.

I didn't say a word to protest against her. I was grateful for her telling me to stay because I didn't have to beg for it now. With this new revelation bouncing around in my head, I really didn't want to go home. Home was where so many of his things were, where my sheets smelled of him, and where I had come to expect him to walk through my door with no warning. It would be where I lost my mind again and attempted to drink myself into oblivion because I didn't know how to handle the truth. With these three people was exactly where I needed to be when I was on the edge of going insane. I couldn't exactly agree that it was going to be better than New York though. I had been content most of the time while in the city.

They didn't let me stay quiet like I had come to expect when I was in this mood. Hadley and Marshall chattered like they hadn't been able to all day and they asked Daniel about all the things he did at daycare with all his friends. I couldn't keep from joining in. Listening to his tiny voice, I was so enamored with it after the weeks I'd been gone. For the night, I was part of their small family and it felt nice to be wanted again. It was all I had strived for since Alex stopped acknowledging me. I just wanted to feel like I needed to be around. Maybe Alex didn't love me anymore. Maybe this would be the final time I ran away from everything we had. But this dinner table with my best friend, her fiancé, and their son was where I was loved the most, and I could forget all about Alex for a while.