'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Eventually, everything that had happened since the Christmas party was brought into light. It was obvious that planning for her big day called for at least some distraction for Hadley. I was the one that was good at planning and she was the one that was good at listening and giving advice. For all that was going on, it was good we were best friends. There was a lot to take in, but the first thing she insisted on talking about was the engagement that didn't happen. It all seemed to be very important to her though. I couldn't say why. The most important aspect of her life lie in pieces on the table before us and it was easily arranged if we could focus. After a good hour of her trying to work my problems out, I declared we give up for the day. The second she agreed, I made a silent note to make her promise to not go off on tangents like this next time.

In the week or so before she had to start classes again, we spent a lot of time going over details for the wedding. She had said she didn't want to speak of it further, but the date was fast approaching and it helped that I wasn't a prying aunt she had never met. It was probably also a plus that she came to look at apartments with me. I was ready to move forward after the strange occurrences on New Year's Eve and Hadley liked to take these breaks. It was like the summer all over again and it had the ability to put me in a better mood. Things were playing out much better than I had thought possible. For the pessimist I was, I was walking on the optimistic side for a change and finding it more refreshing than any other time I'd crossed over.

The weather didn't appear to want to cooperate with the decent mood I was in. The snow wasn't as bad as I knew was possible, but the temperature barely strayed above freezing. It was tough to remind myself that I had errands to run and important places to be instead of staying warm in bed all day. Somehow, I forced myself up everyday and managed to keep my feet from dragging until I got to cuddle in the blankets again. Once school started again for her, Hadley was perturbed that she couldn't come along with me. So while I was complaining about the weather, she complained about class before interrogating me about possible new roommates or how an interview had gone.

"Off topic!" I exclaimed one night in the middle of January, throwing my head up to look up at the ceiling and letting the few invitation choices in my hands fall to the table. My outburst may have been unnecessary, but I knew she wouldn't let it go otherwise. Just because I felt good about the particular interview I had had today, didn't mean I wanted to talk about it for the next six hours. I was sure she was just becoming increasingly nervous that the future was slowly becoming the present and wanted to halt it some.

She sighed heavily, roughly flipping the page of a magazine and ripping an overly-fluffy dress in half. She glared down at it, but it was clearly because she found it ugly anyway. "I know, I know," she responded, tearing the entire page out. She closed the magazine then, sliding it away from her to replace it with the notebook that contained every detail for the wedding. She flipped open to the pages full of notes on cake options before speaking again. "Can you believe I'm going to be somebody's wife in four months?" she questioned in a whisper, confirming my suspicion. She looked up at me and slight fear and disbelief were swimming in her eyes.

It was ridiculous to think that I would have to calm her down, that she would be scared of this endeavor at all. If she had made it through becoming a mother at nineteen, this should be nothing. I had never seen her happier or shine brighter than in the role she was playing now. Maybe it was because we were still young, which was the problem I harbored. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because there was no way this was a bad decision for her and Marshall. The assurance and advice for her came to me so easily and it felt like nothing at all to get her back to a right state. She gave a few grateful breaths of relief, staring at everything with a newly shining expression and finally nodded in agreement.

It seemed like it had taken no time at all to get her back on stable ground. As I declared it was once again a suitable time to call it a night and put off wedding planning until tomorrow though, I realized it was only a minute to midnight. Maybe we had started later than I had thought. Time was flying without hinderance either way. As I stacked books and magazines in the middle of the kitchen table and made to stand up, my phone began to go off with a sudden influx of messages. The exclamations of Happy birthday! brought a smile to my face as I watched them pop up one-by-one for a few seconds. They were cut off though by a call. Hadley had already made her way out of the room, so she thankfully didn't hear my breath catch in my throat at the name on the screen of my phone. It shouldn't have caused this reaction. It was just a shock with how little contact we had had since New Year's.

I answered and brought the phone to my ear with a shaky hand. I could feel everything above my neck beginning to heat with a light flush. "Hello?" I greeted unsurely, partially wondering if he had really meant to call.

"Happy birthday," Alex replied automatically, his voice low but sounding genuinely pleased to be speaking these words.

The thought of it brought the grin back to my face. It seemed, though broken up and trying to keep from each other, that things were somewhat better between us. I liked not fighting and not hating. "Thank you," I breathed, sinking back down into the chair I had been sitting in moments ago.

He gave a soft snort in recognition. "No problem. Greico already texted you, but he wants me to make sure you go it. The service sucks up here," he relayed, obviously not wanting to waste time with awkward silences.

I swallowed hard, completely ignoring Greico's request at hearing they weren't home. "Where are you guys?" I couldn't stop myself from asking. It was more the constant feeling of missing him than my natural curiosity that had the words pouring out of my mouth. Even when I would manage to push him from my mind, I couldn't deny I was wishing we were together.

"We're up in the mountains, snowboarding and such for a few days," he answered, not bothered in the least that I wanted to know. "I felt like I should get away for a while before tour." I could tell he wanted to say more, admit he was attempting to get his mind off me so he could focus on what was important. It was clear that since we were currently speaking though that it hadn't exactly worked.

Four words were working their way up my throat at realizing the ulterior motive to his vacation. There was no stopping them, but I couldn't really say they needed to be prevented from being expressed anyway. "Well, I miss you," I said softly, running my fingertips in shapes across the tabletop. It wasn't like I had even known he wasn't in the house twenty minutes away. But now that I did, it felt like something in me had been aware of it and had made me long for him to be closer. It sounded stupid, but intelligence wasn't something that went along with heart sometimes.

"I miss you, too," he admitted, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "But I'll be home in a couple days. ...Maybe we'll see each other… before we go to South America," he implored hesitantly yet hopefully.

If anyone was ready for us to be on again in our up-and-down relationship, it was one of the two of us. I was doing everything I had wanted to do while we were apart. I was making it so I wasn't going to miserable outside of him anymore. I wasn't finished though, and couldn't find the justice in jumping right back into what we had. There was still the small problem in thinking if we were supposed to be together in the long run. "Maybe," I responded half-heartedly, not wanting to ruin the peace we were having by voicing everything that was suddenly on my mind.

It seemed as if I should have put more effort into it, because he was quiet for several seconds. When he did speak again, he didn't sound as content as he had. "I just wanted to tell you happy birthday," he recapped. "I love you, Clarke." Before I was able to say anything in reply, he had already hung up.

I stared morosely at the phone, which was still receiving texts from friends that continued to wish me a happy birthday multiple times. I had had every intention of telling Alex I loved him, too. I was so sick of pretending like maybe I no longer did, because there was no doubt that I did. I wanted him to know and I wanted to stop playing this game of me figuring things out. If I was going to be an optimist, then I wanted to be with him and worry about new problems when they came. We could work it out from there. In the span of a second, that possibility became nonexistent once more and I was left with only my thoughts that contradicted the earlier ones.

After collecting myself and forcing a melancholy mood away, I began to thank everyone before my phone crashed from all the activity. I couldn't deny that even though I hadn't noticed it was going to be my birthday, twenty-three was starting out on the right foot. Once again though, texts were interrupted by a call. The name this time, though causing a similar reaction, sent a completely different emotion coursing through my veins. I hadn't talked to Oliver much since I had witnessed his weird behavior. It wasn't anything like the last time we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks. Something about his actions unnerved me and I was making every excuse I could not to talk to him this time around. Maybe it was time to overlook it though and forget it happened. To maybe convince myself that it wasn't what it appeared to be at the time.

It was because of this that I let out a heavy sigh and answered. "What are you doing up so late?" I asked instead of giving any sort of greeting. I was sure he had work in the morning and that it was later than he would normally be awake.

"Well, it's your birthday, isn't it?" he countered somewhat sarcastically. Had I told him that? I couldn't remember talking about either of our birthdays. I certainly wouldn't be able to say when his was. "I wouldn't miss wishing you a good one!" he exclaimed, breaking my worried and confused thoughts. This still left me baffled. There were twenty-four hours in this day that he could call. Why stay up to make sure he got to talk to me at midnight like all of my closest friends?

"Um, thanks then," I told him, not even attempting to hide from my voice how odd I found this. I didn't even want to convince myself that there was a reasonable explanation behind his choice. I went to give an excuse about going to bed just so I could hang up, but he was already talking again.

"Let me take you to dinner tonight," he insisted. It was very much like the first time we had met and he had asked me out. At least that time, he had actually asked instead of saying it like I would have no problem agreeing. His words also held a shadow of that firmness from days ago and it made me want to say no even more.

"Uh…" I trailed off, looking everywhere for a reason for turning him down that I hadn't used yet. I came up with nothing though, cursing myself when this became more than clear. I would also be lying if I said I wasn't at least partly scared to tell him no. It was tough to say what the result may be if he didn't like that I was again avoiding him. "I'm not sure what's going on later," I claimed lamely, mentally holding my breath to see if he would freak out. "I'll let you know though…?" I was so unsure if I should say this after his silence that it came out as a question.

"What about right now? An early morning breakfast!" he altered, sounding almost crazed at trying to find something that would work without getting shot down. "Where should we meet?" he inquired before I could even dismiss this. "Your choice and my treat, obviously."

Pulling my phone away from my ear momentarily to stare at it in shock, I took a deep breath. I couldn't find a way out of this because it was clear he would find a way to make sure he got to see me, and I would not rule out stalking. With my throat thickening in anxiety, I placed my phone back to my ear and threw out the first all-night restaurant that came to mind.

I still couldn't say I understood his need to go to eat or if I felt like I should really go. But he had sounded like the Oliver I had been acquainted with at first when he said he'd meet me, and it caused me to calm down some. Since I was still dressed from the busy day I'd had, I simply collected my jacket and purse from the living room and headed out the door. I was sure Hadley was already asleep, but I texted her to let her know I had left. It made me feel even better to know that someone would have an idea of where I'd gone. I pushed worry to the back of my mind by the time I pulled up next to Oliver's now familiar car. There wasn't a smile on my face when I got out, but it didn't appear to bother him. He approached me like we did this every night and wrapped his arm around my shoulders as he gave greeting and led us into the building.

I was usually quiet, but I felt that this time around was uncharacteristic. Oliver, on the other hand, did a lot of talking and I probably wouldn't have been allowed to get anything in anyway. He was completely oblivious to my mood, not even noticing that all I had ordered was a water. It only took me a good half hour before I had had enough. I was tired and couldn't figure out why I had been afraid to tell this man that I wouldn't meet him for breakfast. At this point, he was only a normal person who had an intimidating side when he thought he could get his way. I had every intention of leaving him here and telling him I never wanted to see him again in my life. He had served a purpose when we'd met: to distract me from the break-up with Alex. But now that all I wanted was Alex back, Oliver was useless to me because he would never be a decent friend.

I made to stand from our table, pushing my chair back and snatching my bag from the seat beside me. He was in the middle of a sentence but stopped speaking abruptly when he saw that I was getting ready to leave. "It's late. I really should get home. There's a lot I have to do tomorrow," I lied, not wary at all that this may sound unconvincing. It didn't matter anymore. Beginning to stand, I prepared to tell him what I had planned. Once again though, his hand shooting out to grab my arm stopped me.

"It's not that late," he tried to persuade me. With each word, his grip tightened considerably. I could swear I was feeling his fingertips on the bones in my forearm. "You'll be fine for another hour if I will be. Sit down," he demanded lowly.

I sat only because I was hoping it would cause him to release his hold. I was wrong. "You're hurting me, and you should probably let go," I advised, sounding like a sarcastic version of myself. It was all I could do not to start crying with the fear that had erupted in me again. I was sure he wasn't going to, that he was rather pleased to continue his grip. But we were joined by someone coming over and bouncing into the last step to stand next to our table. To my relief, my arm was free in a second and I pulled it toward me at the same rate blood began rushing through it again. I looked up to see who to thank for their accidental rescue and met the friendly face of Lisa.

"Hey, Clarke," she said brightly, acknowledging only me and acting like Oliver was an empty chair.

"Hi, Lisa," I managed just as cheerily, and tried my best to act like nothing was going on.

"You were supposed to meet me, remember? I really need someone to talk to about everything right now, otherwise I wouldn't have come over to remind you," she said, switching to a troubled voice almost instantly.

Taking the hint that she was well aware that I no longer wanted to be here, I slapped a hand to my forehead. "That's right! Ugh, I have such a bad short term memory. I'm sorry, Oliver, but I can't let down a friend in need," I told him with a shrug of indifference and stood like I had been forbidden to only a minute before.

There was nothing in him now that had caused him to be terrifying such a short time before. He smiled and nodded in understanding. "That's fine," he assured me though I had already begun walking away with Lisa. "I'll call you tomorrow, sweetheart."

I threw him a fake smile over my shoulder but turned back around mouthing sweetheart as a question as if it was a dirty word. Once Lisa had led me out into the freezing night, I sighed gratefully. "You definitely saved me back there. Thank you," I expressed, giving her a genuine smile.

She gave a shrug that said it was no big deal. "He looked like he was being extra douche-y. It wouldn't have been right to leave anyone in a situation like that," she replied. "I hear though," she began a new topic, seeming to feel like it would be better to do so, "that you're looking for an apartment." She was good at changing subjects, I would admit. And it was certainly something good to get my mind off of who we had left inside.

I nodded once. "Yeah, something different. I don't want to live off friends for too long." I didn't feel the need to ask how she knew. We were connected through so many people.

"Don't hate me for interfering, but I have a friend that's actually looking for a roommate. It's a house but still rented, and you'd be splitting it with three other girls. I could give her your name, if you're interested," she proposed, giving off an air that she was fearful that I might take this the wrong way.

On the contrary, I could feel my face light up at the suggestion. I had gotten virtually nowhere with my apartment search. If I found a place I liked, the roommates were the rudest people I had ever met. If the people were decent, the place was most likely in an area that would get me killed. Keeping my head up was only going to work for so long with this. Any leads I could get would definitely be a push in the right direction. "Actually, that- That would be absolutely fantastic," I stuttered some, finding it hard to get the words out fast enough with how excited I had gotten.

Lisa automatically perked up, glad to see that her small want to help hadn't caused me to get angry. "Great!" she responded, managing to bury most of her shock. Happily, I gave her my number and she gave me both her own and her friend's. With a promise that she would set something up right away, she made her way back into the restaurant.

I got in my car, a large smile on my face as I stuck the key in the ignition. A quick glance at the clock on the dashboard told me that it was already two in the morning. I couldn't believe that it was two hours into my birthday and so much had already happened. With my mood soaring, it was also difficult to comprehend that I had been immensely scared less than ten minutes ago. Lifting up the sleeve of my jacket to peer at my skin though, it was easier to remember that it really had happened. Five individual points were a light red and already beginning to bruise. I rolled my sleeve back down hastily, wanting more than anything to get out of here before Oliver happened to come out to his car.