'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

The bruises, though menacing because they could easily be matched up to a hand, were still small and faded in only a few days' time. I was surprised how little Oliver tried to get a hold of me in the time between that night and now after how persistent he had been. I wasn't going to be one to complain though. I was sure that he would come back at some point, but I was elated to be rid of him at least for the time being. It enabled free time to forget about the problem and focus on what had been important months before this. It wasn't like I would have willingly kept it on my mind anyway with all the distractions I so frequently used. In all honesty, I wanted to forget about it. Unlike all the things I had kept from my best friend due to being busy, I had no intention of ever bringing this up if I could help it.

I hadn't heard from Lisa or her friend just like Oliver in the days since my birthday. This lack of contact wasn't as welcome as the latter, which was something that would have surprised me a month ago. I was somewhat let down by not hearing from her, but the time wasn't spent worrying that maybe I had gotten my hopes up. Hadley and I still had a lot to do for the wedding. She was panicking now that it was the new year. I had also secured a job, the interview I had had the day before my birthday working out in my favor. It was a perfect choice, considering how little I normally interacted with people. It had the potential of being counterproductive to the change I was forcing myself to make, but I was going to do my best not to let it be so.

It felt like I was being pulled in several different directions, but it was oddly pleasant. I hadn't been this busy since before I'd graduated college. It felt right to have things keeping me occupied constantly, and not just to keep my mind off problems. To be running around in the day and sitting down in the evenings to be just as productive was both tiring and intriguing. It felt like living, for the time being.

There were some days that I had consented to keep Daniel with me while Hadley was in class and Marshall was at work. He didn't seem to like it as much as day care, but somehow had the decency not to say it even at the age of three. I often got off track making it fun for him by playing all sorts of games and never once would look at it as bad. He was still the only child that I would ever be able to do this with. Most others I looked at with a mixture of disgust at what they were usually covered in and apprehension at what they meant.

A few days after the chilling breakfast, Daniel and I were building yet another fort. They were a favorite of my childhood and I was adamant to make them his. I could hear him giggling from the confines of the partially built structure, concealed by a sheet draped over a chair. I was about to dive into the mess of pillows and blankets but was interrupted by my phone ringing. Straightening from my crouch, I told Daniel to stay put and scooped my phone off the coffee table. The number wasn't one I recognized, but I had been getting a lot of those lately with all that had been going on. I answered with heightened interest as to who it would be.

"Word has it that you're looking for a roommate with an amazing personality, Clarke Holliday," the girl on the other end said. They sounded quite confident in their words making a joke, almost like maybe we were friends.

It took me a moment to think about why the voice sounded so familiar. It took me so long that she actually had to check to make sure I was still on the line. But it finally clicked. "Kara?" I wondered, already more than sure that I was right when she exclaimed, "Yep!"

"You're Lisa's friend that's looking for a roommate," I said a bit disbelievingly. I hadn't seen Kara since that final party after we graduated. By the time I was back to spend Christmas with Alex last year, she and Rian had broken up, so I'd never had the chance to reacquaint with her. It seemed almost unreal that it would be her that needed another person to live with because it was perfect.

"That would be me," she replied cheerily. "Sorry I didn't call sooner. I only just got home yesterday, and will only be here for a week. I was wondering if you'd want to come and check the house out today? Then we can catch up as much as possible," she suggested, clearly hopeful that I wouldn't haven't anything to conflict with a plan she had already semi-formed.

I looked over at the fort where Daniel's feet were now peeking out from under a hanging sheet, teetering back and forth to click together every few seconds. Hadley wouldn't be home for at least another hour. I was hesitant to answer Kara, wondering if I should really take him out on my own. When I remembered that I had brought him to the park hundreds of times in New York, my answer was automatic. She gleefully gave me directions and we hung up with the obvious promise to see each other soon.

Daniel was enthused at the prospect of getting to go somewhere, especially somewhere new. He helped in cleaning up the mess we had made before I put his coat on him while he stuffed his winter hat on his head. Once putting his car seat in my tiny backseat -there was no denying it after this- we were off to what could potentially be my new home. He was hardly anything but a pleasant little kid, and that was one reason I would never have been able to see him as other children even if he hadn't been my best friend's son. He excitedly told me stories and giggled the entire ride. It was impossible to not be happy while in his presence.

I was positively beaming by the time I pulled up in front of the address that Kara had given me. It was such a change from how I'd expected to be months ago, and it had the power to push the terrible thoughts of Oliver out of my mind completely as if he never existed. Daniel clung onto my hand after I got him out of his seat, insisting he needn't be carried. It was only a moment after I rang the doorbell that the front door was open and my old friend was grinning at me. Almost simultaneously, we wrapped each other in a hug.

"It has been entirely too long," I conveyed as we pulled away, still obviously in awe that we were together again. She nodded in heavy agreement and invited me in so that we could catch up. The standard questions were asked in order to fill each other in within only a few minutes. How are you? What have you been up to? Why haven't we tried to get together way sooner than this? It was wonderful to be able to speak with her again, almost like we hadn't been separated for so long.

After a few minutes, there was small tug on my hand. "Clarke," Daniel stated in his child's voice. I looked down at him at realizing I had shamefully almost forgotten about him. "I have to pee," he pleaded some, looking nearly desperate.

Suppressing the urge to smack myself, I nodded instantly. "Of course, buddy!" I told him before turning back to Kara to ask if he could use the bathroom.

She was looking mildly surprised down at the little boy, but straightened quickly and answered, "Of course. We'll start the tour then." She was smiling again, this time clearly hiding the extreme shock that was building up. I couldn't keep the amused smirk off my face as she led us into the house. After helping with getting Daniel's coat off, I waited outside the bathroom door with her. "Is… is he yours?" she questioned after a minute of not being able to hold it in anymore.

I shook my head, still hiding my smirk the best I could. "No, he's Hadley's. I'm watching him today while she's at school," I explained shortly. "I hope it's not a problem that I brought him." This was something I hadn't thought of, but I couldn't remember her ever having an aversion to children. As far as I could tell, this was just going to me being belatedly polite.

Kara, who had seemed to calm down now that she was assured I didn't have a kid, shook her head. "Not at all! He's adorable," she stated almost apologetically just as Daniel emerged from the bathroom. Seeming to have heard her say this and figuring out it was about him, he smiled wide up at the two of us.

The both of us laughed at him as I picked him up before we decided that we could start looking around. It really felt unnecessary now since my mind was already made up. It was a chance for me to actually see what I was agreeing to though and for Kara to explain how she was studying abroad and hadn't even been home when their fourth roommate moved out. I was confident that the conflict that had caused that to happen wouldn't arise with me, mostly because I kept to myself. There was also the detail that I was sure I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what I hoped would be my future place here. It all seemed perfect. The house itself was just what I was looking for and I obviously already got along with one of the girls living here. Finally, something was working out.

She saved the door at the end of the hall that led off the entrance for last. Considering she had mentioned that the other three bedrooms were taken, I guessed why this was the final part of the tour. "This," she announced, letting Daniel and I into the room first, "would be your room. I think it used to be a den or something, but they converted it years ago. I think it's beautiful." She had followed us in and taken a spot next to me, looking around like it was also her first time seeing it.

I had no words to disagree with her, finding that she had described it pretty well with such short detail. The wall to my left was exposed brick, only interrupted by three windows, the middle one being wider than the others, and all had winter sunlight streaming through them onto the hardwood floor. The three remaining walls were a pastel mint green. The closet was on the wall opposite the doorway in, the doors completely mirrored and on a sliding track. There was another door only a few feet from the one behind me, and I suspected it led to an en suite bathroom. It was completely empty, but I could already see it lived in, easily.

Daniel was squirming to get down, having gotten tired of resting on my hip. When I lowered him, he automatically ran over to the closet and sat in a sunny spot to make silly faces in the mirror. "What do you think, buddy?" I asked him, stepping a little farther into the room. "Should I live here?" He stopped trying new expressions long enough to look up at me in the reflective glass and nod enthusiastically. Chuckling, I turned back to Kara. "I think that answers it. It all seems wonderful," I expressed, instantly seeing her brighten again.

She threw herself forward, wrapping me in another hug. "You have no idea how excited I am to hear you say that! I thought this search was going to take me all week. But I'm seriously so glad you want to move in," she gushed after pulling away. I could tell that she was already thinking ahead, trying to determine if things would all work out. "If you want, we'll have lunch tomorrow? That way you can meet Ashleigh and Meg," she threw out hopefully.

I glanced at the little boy a moment, attempting to figure out if I would have to watch him again. Remembering I had the day free, I nodded. "That sounds great. I'm really stoked for this to happen," I admitted, forcing myself to look only half as delighted as I felt. It was quite possibly still too much, but it was difficult to care.

We discussed small details a while longer, mostly whatever could be gone over in full the following day. Daniel had grown bored though and jumped up after several minutes, asking if we could go to see Hadley. He had good timing. Kara had decided that we could move back to our personal lives after she had promised to call to confirm where to meet and questioned how things were going with Alex. Apparently, she had been informed that he and I had gotten back together but not that we were once more apart. That was simply a story that took more time than we had, and I didn't particularly want to think about him in the moment anyway. She was understanding though that Daniel would want to go home and he and I departed after yet another hug.

Hadley was home when we got back and she was almost too immersed in what was laid out on the kitchen table to notice that we had arrived. When she comprehended things outside of lace and tulle though, she snatched up her son to kiss his forehead and greeted me happily. She was even more pleased to hear where we had been, excited that the lead Lisa had set in place worked out. I could tell that she was worried about something behind it all, trying to hide it by asking Daniel how his day was. With a wild guess, I told her that I would still be able to help with everything I had been. I wasn't going to leave her with so much to do. She nodded quickly in understanding with a forced I know, I know. There was something more, I could tell, but I didn't want to breech a topic she probably wouldn't want to talk about. Instead, I told her about my plans for the following afternoon.

"We should go dress shopping. When you're done with that, I mean," she assured when she thought I might have a protest. "It doesn't feel right that I've put it off for this long," she shrugged.

"No, that's perfect! You should come with me, that way you can see the house. Then we'll dedicate the rest of the day to finding you the most fabulous dress!" I exclaimed, sliding into the chair across from her. I was beaming once more, the smile impossible to remove from my face today. There was little more that could work out in my favor to make it even better.

Hadley appeared to perk up by this option, the minimal anxiety melting away. Maybe the thought of possibly actually finding the most superb dress within the next twenty-four hours was just what she needed. She had nothing to hide while we sat and talked of our days then. We spoke like we would have years ago, the weight of actually being adults leaving us even though the decisions we spoke of defined so much.

With the sound of a text from my phone though, it felt like it came crashing back down on me tenfold. I lifted my phone just enough to see Oliver's name at the top of the blue box, completely disregarding what his message said. I was sure I felt my arm throb slightly at the sight of it, but I was determined to believe it was my imagination. Wanting to ignore all contact with him, I turned my phone over and focused on my best friend again.

But she was paying more attention to me, a curious look in her eyes. "Who is it?" she asked, reaching over to take the phone. I snatched it away quickly and pretended like she didn't have an expression on her face that clearly said she was taken aback.

I hadn't spoken one word about Oliver to her since the day I had come back from my parents'. I knew she wouldn't like that I was still seeing him even after she had voiced her uncertainties. Explaining about him demanding that I go to his apartment and then how he had hurt me was something I was sure she would have to say I told you so about. If anything, I just desperately didn't want her to know about the bruises. "It's- it's Oliver," I confessed, and avoided her gaze by looking down to actually see what he had said.

"Haven't seen you in a while. I miss you," the small, white letters read. My stomach twisted just thinking about having to see him again. It would have to happen though, right? I would have to meet with him just to explain that there was nothing between us, that he honestly scared me.

"It's not a big deal," I told Hadley when I saw that she was still throwing me a pointed stare. As I said this though, I was typing my reply. I wanted to end this completely and make sure I didn't have to feel this dread anymore. In person would just make it easier for me.

"I hope not. I seriously just get the creeps when you talk about that guy. I wish I knew why," she said, exaggerating a shake from head to toe.

I nodded, pretending to agree that it would be helpful to know. "So I start at the publisher's next week. On a scale from one to Jack, how inappropriate can we make a celebration?" I wondered with a light smirk at my joke. It all seemed to be enough to convince her that all was in the right order. I was once again able to forget about the problem that was Oliver Davis, even with the several texts he sent me throughout the evening.