'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Along with starting my job the next week, I was able to move into Kara's the next weekend. She had already left again, but with the knowledge that she would be done with school by June. Her two roommates, Megan and Ashleigh, were also easy to get along with and were more than happy to accept me into the house. It was easy to settle in, and in only a couple of days, it felt as if I had lived there for months. I missed waking up to Daniel as my alarm clock and having conversations over dinner with Hadley and Marshall every night. But I was thrilled to be where I was, and still got to see my best friend's little family everyday. This was exactly how it was supposed to be. Everything felt right for the first time in entirely too long.

Hadley, on the other hand, seemed much more down than she had been since the summer. I had worked out that she wasn't as pleased with me moving out as she had been the second I told her. It was always going to be too much for me to admit that I was missed, but I gathered that she still wanted me around her house so it would be like college again. It didn't help her mood that our first day of looking for her dress turned out to be a major bust. There wasn't one that looked right on her, nearly everything was off in one way or another. The couple of times we had managed to try again since then turned up the same results. There was a bit of role reversal while I encouraged her that we would find something perfect in time, and I remained optimistic about it.

I had yet to meet Oliver for what I hoped was going to be the final time. I just kept putting it off, worried about what might happen. But I wasn't making excuses this time around; I really was busier with more work than I thought there was time for. He kept insisting though and I knew I was going to have to clear time to do it sometime soon. I didn't quite understand how I had gotten myself into this mess. If only I had been myself that morning in Maine, hadn't been so set on doing things differently and taking any sort of chance that came my way. This could have easily been avoided, if I wanted to admit it, by paying more attention and not dumping my coffee all over his shoes. Of course, I wouldn't put it passed him that he had possibly run into me on purpose that morning. That seemed likely at this point. I should have said no though, should have given every excuse in the book or just have been plain rude to him. There was so much that could have been done in the past.

I also hadn't been putting a lot of thought toward Alex since my birthday. I had been so sure of what I wanted that night, and I would have done anything to make it happen that moment. I hadn't exactly changed my mind about any of that because I had wanted that to be the outcome all along if I could make it stick. I was simply questioning if the timing was appropriate. With what we were already dealing with, I didn't want to drag him into this ordeal with Oliver. And I knew for a fact that he would want to get involved if he knew the extent of it. There was so little time to work our relationship out between tours anyway.

To make sure I spent time with Hadley everyday, I usually went straight to her house after work. She had planned for us to dedicate each afternoon to some aspect for the wedding. Today's was confirming the guest list and hopefully picking the venue if we got time. But my texts were flooded once again by Oliver's questioning of when we were going to get together. Maybe it was because I had had a fairly good day that I finally broke down and told him to meet me at my old apartment. My best friend scolded me when I called to tell her I would be late, but simply told me to hurry with whatever I had to do. I certainly hoped that I could do as she requested.

The building wasn't as ominous as it had been even in December. Even thinking about who I was about to see, it didn't feel terrible getting out of my car. The front door's lock had been broken for years so I thankfully didn't need a key to get in. I took in the old look of the dimly lit lobby before sitting on one of the chipped stairs to wait. But I had just settled onto the wood when the door opened once more, Oliver stepping through with a smile on his face.

He didn't bother to say hello. Once again, he came straight forward and leaned down to connect our lips. Before I could push him off and make a protest, he had already pulled away and sat next to me. Like always, he chose to disregard how much I obviously didn't accept this and let his arm fall around my shoulders. "You don't know how much I've missed you," he expressed, automatically pulling me to him tighter.

I ducked out from under his arm though, pressing myself into the banister beside me. "Actually, with how many times you've told me you've missed me, I think I have an idea how much," I joked uneasily, running my fingers over the screen of my phone as if it could erase all he had said the past week. "Listen, we need to talk about something," I proposed, figuring it might be best to get to the point.

I wasn't able to get anything else out though, my next words completely drowned out when he began speaking over me. "So you started a new job. How's it been?" he asked, leaning close to me again but keeping his hands to himself this time. He might have been ignoring all of my other signs of distaste, but at least he caught this one.

I tried hard not to grind my teeth at the annoyance of being interrupted. It was a surprise I didn't have to pry my jaw apart with pliers. "It's… fine. I get to read all day, which is right up my alley no matter how much of it sucks or is cliche," I replied, hoping he would let me speak if I actually acknowledged his question. Once more, I opened my mouth to gently tell him that I thought it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore. Again, he moved on quickly to talk before I could get anything out.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" he insisted like his apartment lay up there rather than the one I once resided in. He looked up at the set of stairs above us, perhaps wondering if where he believed me to live was right there.

"Because I don't live here anymore," I answered truthfully, pushing myself to stand up. There was no need to tell him that I hadn't lived here since before we'd met, but there wasn't a point in lying about it anymore. I had no intention of letting him know where I really lived or where I had stayed for months.

Calmly, Oliver stood as well and leaned against the banister when I backed up to the mailboxes. He was so collected that I was convinced he might not be angry at all. "I get it. You don't want me to see your new place yet," he guessed, smirking at me like he was highly amused. Yet? I asked myself. I could feel my eyebrows furrow and my mouth form around words to a question I wasn't sure I could ask aloud. "All right, all right, I understand. Valentine's Day is only a couple weeks away. We'll save it for then, shall we?" he suggested, obviously thinking this plan sounded as good as a cure for the common cold.

"What - are - you - talking - about?" I demanded, punctuating each word by jerking my hands up and down in only an inch of space. At twenty-nine, had he really deluded himself into believing that he and I were something much more than we would ever be? It was hard to think that someone I had considered to be rather smart could be so foolishly juvenile.

Oliver was still visibly placid, the cocky smile on his face one I had seen so many times since the end of November. "I'm talking about having a romantic evening and then going to your new home. I'll be looking forward to seeing it," he claimed with what I thought was an exaggerated wink. I shivered with revulsion, but he seemed to take it as anticipation because he grabbed my hand. "I hope it's good enough for my girlfriend."

My eyes widened then and I was screaming at myself in my head for being stupid by thinking he wasn't. This was the situation I hadn't wanted to end up in, yet of course it was the one I had landed in after a bad fall. Trying to extract my hand from his was nearly impossible. He had tightened his grip when he realized I might try to break away from him. "What- When did we decide on this?" I inquired, but I was expecting one of his cheery and naive answers. "Is this how you've gone through life getting girlfriends? Just by being charming and confident to get girls to think you're this normal, perfect guy and then convince yourself you're dating? Then maybe use that firm tone when your temper goes off and hold on tightly -literally- if they try to get away?" I wasn't sure where exactly this was coming from. I had never given a lecture like this, expect maybe to Alex the last time we had gotten back together. Even then, it hadn't been anything of this caliber. "I am not," I said between clenched teeth, and managed to yank my hand from his, "your girlfriend." I thought I sounded perfect in my efforts to tell him I was done with this.

The next moment, I found myself pressed against the mailboxes and there was a dull throb shooting through my shoulder. He hadn't slammed me into the wall, but had definitely pushed me hard enough to make it hurt. Adrenaline was still coursing through my veins from my speech, so I found it difficult to be scared just yet. His face was close to mine when he spoke. "I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't had to convince myself of anything. You seemed just as happy to be dating me as I was. What's changed, sweetheart?" His voice changed in a split second, going from coming out dangerous and terrifying to the smooth one he had been using since walking through the door. I had no more derisive words. I couldn't be as brave as I had been only a moment ago with the keyhole to a mailbox digging into my shoulder more than I thought was possible. Oliver's tone was acerbic once more when he spoke again. "I am ten times better for you than that stupid little boy will ever be, running around and thinking he's a rockstar. You're not going to leave me," he said. I wasn't sure if he was making a promise like he thought he knew me or a threat that he was going to do something worse than he already was.

I didn't want to take the chance anymore and assumed it was the latter. I swallowed hard, keeping my eyes locked on a spot of dirt on the floor. I wished he had spoken louder so that the few residences left in the building might have heard. Celia had always been keen to pay attention to everything that happened in and around the place. I was sure her presence would have at least caused him to stop, possibly walk away altogether. But I was left to figure out how to get out of this on my own, and I wasn't able to come up with anything that might make him leave me alone for good. So I simply nodded dismally and heaved a sigh of relief when he released his hold on me to leave me nearly slumping against the wall.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him straighten out his jacket from where he stood next to the stairs again. It seemed more important to him to look good than how shaken he had left me. While smoothing his blond hair, he said something about having to go so he could catch a flight but I hardly caught any of the actual statement. On his way out the door, he promised he would try to be home for what he was sure was going to be a great Valentine's Day.

The second he was out of sight, I slid down to the worn floor. My breathing, which had been coming short since the moment he had gotten close, evened out again and was becoming regular the longer I sat there. I resisted the urge to pinch myself just to make sure this all hadn't been some sort of nightmare. I didn't think my subconscious could come up with something like this though. It was all too much to handle.

It took longer than I would have liked, but I finally managed to collect myself. I pushed myself back to my feet by clinging to the metal behind me and tried my hardest to make sure I didn't look the mess I felt. It probably didn't work as well as it had for Oliver. Of course, he hadn't been the one forced into a wall only to crumple to the floor. Once I was satisfied that I was at least presentable, I tiptoed to the door as if he would hear me coming and peeked out the window. I was sure he wasn't out there, that he had really left like he had said. I was still hesitant stepping outside though and only calmed because the cold air made it easier to clear my head. I was in a much better state when I got in my car and was able to drive to Hadley's without one thought of what could have happened had I snapped back.

Things felt normal again when I walked through the front door of the familiar house. Marshall and Daniel greeted me joyfully from their spot at the coffee table where they were racing cars. I gave them a genuine smile back as I hung up my coat before heading into the kitchen where I knew my best friend would be. Her laptop was open next to her but she was pouring over a notebook, writing or scribbling words out after each glance at the computer. As I sat adjacent to her, I saw that the page in front of her had several circles on it and she was writing names around them.

"Did we find a place for the reception then?" I questioned, studying the layout. I hated that I sounded so forcefully nonchalant. I didn't think there was any way to make it more natural when I realized my shoulder still hurt. I tried my best to shake it off.

She looked up with a start, apparently having failed to notice that I had sat down. She shook her head when she saw that it was only me and then lowered her head again to continue her work. "I'm just trying to get a head start. It'll be a lot easier once we actually finish figuring out who all to invite." With this, she pushed the notebook away, only to pull another one into its spot. "This is Marsh's list, so at least we have that," she sighed, sounding much more relieved about it making this task easier.

I sat back in my chair and pulled at the scarf I was still wearing around my neck. I took it off, bunching it in my hands as I set it on the table. I was finding it increasingly hard to ignore the pain in my shoulder now that I was sitting still and there was nothing threatening around. It was muted, but I feared that it was going to be my forearm all over again. "Well, have you decided where you want the ceremony?" I wondered, forcing my mind to the topic that mattered.

"I really don't think I want it in a church, and Marshall agrees. My mom will hate me for a minute, but you know my religious views," she responded with a shrug. She was quite indifferent about it and I didn't blame her. "It'll be the end of May, therefore the weather should be nice. I think I want it outside, I just don't have a clue where," she admitted. Clearly, she was disgruntled that it had appeared she had taken a step forward only to get pushed one right back.

I wracked my brain for several moments, mimicking her thoughts. I had lived in Maryland nearly all of my life, and I knew it contained a lot of beautiful locations. Only one continued to come to mind, and I had never even been there myself. My parents used to go on one romantic weekend every year, and they usually only chose one place because it was close. My mother's descriptions of it always made me extremely jealous that she got to be somewhere that sounded so stunning. "What about the Gramercy?" I finally blurted out, breaking the silence we had fallen into while we attempted to find something.

Hadley's head snapped up, what looked like a thoughtful expression on her face. I could only guess that she was trying to remember if she had ever seen the mansion. After a moment, she gave up and took to her computer to look it up. I waited patiently for her to look at pictures and read about it and felt thoroughly pleased when she threw me a wide grin. "Clarke, this is perfect!" she practically squealed. There were a few minutes where she yelled to Marshall so that they could deliberate on the location, and then calling so that it could all be officially worked out.

I sat there, in silence once more, both elated that it had been quite simple and worried about what I'd been through today. No matter my efforts to get rid of the latter, it wouldn't leave me completely. I was glad when Hadley settled into her seat again and I could focus on her. "So, onto who you're inviting now," I declared, really not needing to since she had already slid her laptop in front of her.

She was nodding absentmindedly, distracted by the list she had already started. I wouldn't doubt that it was almost done. "Are your parents going to come down? It would feel weird if they weren't there," she said, not even looking up to see me nodding myself and forcing me to reply vocally. "What about Kara? Do you think she would feel awkward if I invited her?"

"I don't know if she'll be home in time," I told her, shrugging. "So I'll get back to you on that. Maybe Lisa though?" I suggested with a little uncertainty. I wasn't sure if she would accept, but we weren't the enemies that we could have been because of the largest thing we had in common and she had helped me out more than once in the time since we had met. I figured it would be a nice gesture, at least, to let her know she was welcome to come to my best friend's wedding and be a better thank you than I could give.

Hadley nodded in acknowledgement and then began mumbling to herself then, mostly trying to work things out easily by saying them aloud. Most of it was unintelligible because she didn't notice she was doing it. "Jack and the guys'll be there," she enlightened, and she made it a bit louder so that I would hear.

"They will?" I asked, suddenly perking up. I hadn't thought much about if the boys would go to the wedding since the fall. But now that I knew they would for sure be there, it made my day instantly brighter again. That meant that Alex was going to be there. Hadley was speaking again, telling me how she had checked with each of them to make sure they would all be home. I wasn't really paying attention though. My mind wasn't leaving Alex, and it was allowing most other things to slip away. Maybe I had seen too many movies, but a wedding felt like the perfect setting for us to reconcile after all this time apart.