'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Saturdays were days that most everyone looked forward to above the six others, and I was one of those people. My internal clock had me waking up early even though my alarm was off, but the sun was already up at least and I cuddled in the blankets that the sunlight was keeping warm. I didn't try to get back to sleep because I wasn't drained for the first time in so long. I simply lie there, turning on my side every so often and pulling the blankets up a bit further while pressing my head somewhat harder into the pillow. I could hear both cars driving passed the house on their way down the street and Meg and Ash walking around the house as they got ready for whatever they would be doing today. Both were muffled though by the windows and walls, respectively, and they weren't enough to get me out of the small haven I had created upon waking. It was around nine that the peace was broken. A shift in the fabric of my comforter and it was almost like I wasn't there alone anymore. I could smell cologne so clearly. Even being boxed up and washed before being put on the bed apparently couldn't remove Alex from the threads. It was with this that I declared it was finally time to get up to start my day.

I crawled out of the bed and completely skipped passed the bathroom to head out into the hall. I shuffled through the threshold to the dining room not far from my own door and continued on to the kitchen. I wasn't surprised to find it occupied, the girls sitting at the counter.

"Morning, hon!" Ashleigh greeted me and I shot them both a smile before turning to the fridge to rummage through it. "Do you want some eggs? There's plenty left," she offered, gesturing to the skillet on the stove when I emerged again with a carton of orange juice.

"Yeah, that'd be great," I replied gratefully. I approached the other side of the kitchen to get to the cupboard that housed the glasses, and then pulled out a plate from the one next to it. Once I had a glass full of juice and a plate piled with scrambled eggs, I moved to sit with them to eat even though they were nearly finished.

"What are you up to today?" Megan inquired, looking up at me from around the book she held in her hands. This was how it had been each morning this week. She had been so engrossed in this book that she had hardly put it down since I'd been here. It enabled us to get along pretty well, because it was inevitable that I would do the same thing at some point.

"Hadley and I are going dress shopping again. Then if we don't find her something, I'll probably be digging the grave she'll throw us both in to," I replied with a shrug, cracking a smile even though I was pretty sure I was predicting the future. "What do you guys have planned?" I questioned back, wondering if they'd be home all day or not.

"One of our friends is throwing a party in Foxridge later, so we're heading over there," Ashleigh replied since Meg had gotten caught up in what appeared to be a particularly interesting paragraph. "You should come out if you get done in time. Or aren't dead. You know," she chuckled, going along with my mediocre joke.

Another small smile adorned my lips as I nodded. "Yeah, maybe. That'd be fun," I admitted. Unless you count getting wine drunk with Hadley and Marshall to celebrate my editing job, I hadn't been to a party since the one at Alex and Rian's. I was surely in need of one that didn't involve me being terrified of what might happen by the end of the night.

The three of us talked a bit more as we finished our breakfasts. They were done first though and bid me good luck on the dress hunt before heading out for a shopping trip of their own to prepare for the party they were going to. I listened to the door shut behind them as I finished off my juice, and then stood to clean my few dishes. When I paced into my room again, I was tempted to slide back between the now cold sheets wrinkled on my bed. It would kill time to be lazy, but it was the time I would need to get ready and I didn't think Hadley would appreciate me being late or looking disheveled. So I pushed through the door of my bathroom at last to start to get ready.

I stripped down to get in the shower but before I could even turn the water on, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My right shoulder was a nasty color, somewhere between purple and light brown. The edges were tinged in yellow where the bruise was starting to fade. It wasn't even the whole of my shoulder at least, just a fraction of the top and spreading over onto the top of my bicep. It surprised me though. I had apparently underestimated how hard I had hit the wall, or maybe I had been too distracted by my anger to notice the force. I just hadn't expected it to bruise no matter how much I had feared it. This one looked even worse than the ones on my arm had before it had gone back to normal. I pressed in the middle, the point where my shoulder curved into my arm, and watched the skin turn white under and around my finger. It hurt, but it was bearable.

With a sigh, I lowered my other arm to continue my task. The hot water wasn't able to wash the worries away like I had been counting on. I had been pushing them away all week though, so it wasn't all that difficult to do it again. Once I was finished attempting to rid of my problem, I wrapped myself in a towel and piled my hair into another. I opened the door to let the steam disperse but made no move to follow it into my room, instead placing myself in front of the mirror to do my makeup and then hair. I was dry by the time I was done and finally reentered my room to get changed. I was just pulling a cardigan on over a black tank top to hide my bruised shoulder when Hadley's voice rang through the house.

I ran out into the hall to meet her after a quick fix of my skirt and grabbing a pair of flats. I skidded to a stop before her, lifting one foot behind me to immediately put one shoe on. "Hey! Let me just grab my coat and then we can go," I promised, knowing she would want to get going as soon as possible. Once my other shoe was on, I moved to grab my coat from the closet.

"Don't you look cute?" she stated, completely disregarding what I had said. I stopped and looked back at her. "That's good, because my sister just called and she's coming along even though she hadn't even bothered to tell me she's in town. It'll be better to look all business instead of like we're going to gallivant around the city for no reason," she ranted, looking down at her jeans and throwing her arms out to violently drop them back at her sides. She was feeling bland and thought her sister was going to call her out on it. This was always her fear.

I wanted to make a joke about how we didn't exactly gallivant anyway, but thought better of it. "Honey, you look as amazing as you do everyday. Kim's not going to care anyway," I tried to convince my best friend. I left out that it would go unnoticed how the both of us were dressed because Kim paid more attention to herself than anything. I liked the younger Parsons sister enough, but there was no overlooking her superficial air. As long as it wasn't used against others, there was no harm in it. "Come on. Act like she won't even be there because today's got nothing to do with her," I pointed out, and crossed my fingers that she would agree while I continued to the closet. When I appeared again with my jacket, she was nodding her head.

"I'll try," was not the answer I was expecting with the action she was giving. A Yeah, fuck her! would have satisfied me more. But since she marched out the door right after, waving me along with her, I decided to take it and followed without a word.

She didn't speak the entire ride, which I normally would have found ominous or at least unsettling. I knew what kept words from pouring from her mouth though, and I didn't want to force her to talk while she was worrying about her sister coming. We pulled up in front of a small shop with elegant white dresses in the display windows only ten minutes later. Hadley's sister was visible on the sidewalk before we even got out of the car, sunglasses perched on top of her head and pushing her brown hair back, a bright dress accentuating her slim figure with a coat to match, and her expensive bag hanging from the crook of her elbow. I could almost hear Hadley's teeth grinding, trying her best to get through this already.

"Hadley!" Kim squealed when she spotted us approaching her. She threw her arms out so she could hug her older sister. "You didn't bring my nephew?" she questioned with a pout when she pulled away and held Hadley away at an arm's length. Kim had the habit of acting like the older sister in a lot of ways.

"I'm afraid you'll have to settle for me," I told her, figuring Hadley would still be clenching her jaw shut to keep from complaining about this. Kim wouldn't have even noticed me if I hadn't spoken anyway, I realized when she threw me a look of feigned excited surprise and then enveloped me in a hug of my own. After exchanging pleasantries, she wasted no time in leading us into the shop. As we followed her, I whispered encouragements to Hadley that we would make it out of this alive.

And we did, for the most part. Kim always had her two cents about one dress or another, somehow sounding subtly condescending and I got the impression she didn't notice. Hadley took it in stride though and I could tell it was because she was having a good time. She already had a few choices hanging on a separate hook in the dressing room she was using and it was putting her in good spirits to be making at least some progress. The three of us strolled around the store individually to find what we thought would look good on her. Well, Kim seemed to mostly look for herself for no reason, but she was easily ignored while she kept to the other side of the store.

It was in the very back that I found it. It stuck out against all the blinding white it was sandwiched between, the gold of it still appearing to shine brighter. And it struck me suddenly that maybe that's why the traditional white didn't work for her. Hadley deserved something different, something that said who she actually was on such a monumental day. I immediately pulled the dress from the rack and ran to show her. As I ran, I tugged at the tag to see that it was her size. I could have smacked myself because it made sense that it would be. That's how miracles like this worked, right? She popped out of the dressing room when I called her name as I came to a stop, clearly prepared to try on another dress. Barely comprehensible, I told her to screw the other one and shoved the gold one into her hands. I could tell she wanted to question it, but closed the curtain without a word.

I was impatient while I waited for her to change into the miracle dress -as I was going to call it from now on- and I tapped my foot rhythmically against the carpeted floor. Kim appeared again, emerging with a dress in her hand. I knew in my gut that Hadley wouldn't need to try it on; the one for her was the one I had handed her. I didn't say this though, simply waited for it to be revealed to all of us. Hadley opened the curtain after another few minutes, almost hesitantly. She peeked out at us around the blue fabric and looked as if she was questioning if she should really leave the small room before actually doing so. The small amount of dread I had gained at her expression melted away at seeing her in it and the smile spreading across her face. The top was a cream-colored satin corset that hugged her torso perfectly. There was a line of beading under the bust and the entire upper chest was covered with beading in diamond shapes. The skirt matched the corset in color and fabric, but had several layers underneath to make it poof out. It was also covered with a layer of gold tulle, which had been the reason it had caught my eye so strongly, and it made the entire dress look like it sparkled. My best friend, always beautiful, looked positively stunning.

"I would look great in that," Kim whispered to herself beside me, taken aback as well.

"Kim?" I questioned to get her attention. "Can you shut up about yourself for two minutes, maybe?" I demanded lightly when I sensed that she had turned her head in my direction. Hadley, who had been biting her lip thanks to nerves at the continued silence, giggled at me for this. "You look… It's beyond amazing. I don't even know if there's a word for it," I admitted, and knew she could tell I was sincere. "This is the one, sweetie."

"It is!" she nodded enthusiastically in agreement. "It doesn't even need to be altered. It fits like a dream!" In her excitement, she spun right around to change into her jeans so as not to ruin the dress by wearing it too long. She was still beaming when she joined us again, holding the dress carefully in her hands while she carried it to the counter.

Maybe it was because it didn't exactly fit in with the rest of them, but the dress was on sale, yet another of those coincidences that occur when perfection is found. It was just another reason to buy it on the spot and to make my best friend grin even wider. From the dress shop, we ventured to another to find mine and Kim's dresses since we were the only two bridesmaids. This search wasn't as easy and we ended up leaving to look at invitations. The day was filled with wedding planning, expanding so much farther than what Hadley and I had been doing over the past weeks and I knew that it was all falling into place thanks to the discovery of the dress. We got so much done that it made my head spin. Or that could have just been the fact that I was on my feet, running for five hours straight. I could tell my best friend was thrilled to get so much done, to have found the one thing that was able to pull it all together, so it left me in the same state. It was also easy to get through the day since Kim seemed to have followed my advice longer than those two minutes and kept a pleasant attitude all day without holding it against me.

Hadley's backseat full of the day's purchases, we were preparing to head back to her house with Kim following in her own car. While the sisters talked briefly, I leaned against the passenger door to let them continue their civility. I was thankful when me studying my shoes was interrupted by my phone going off. I pulled it out, automatically seeing that Rian had texted me. "Ri just invited us to a party at their place," I announced, accidentally cutting Hadley off.

She looked even more excited than she had all day. It quickly dissipated though remembering that Kim was with us and that there was no one to watch Daniel if Marshall came with us. She scrunched her face up momentarily, obviously struggling with if she wanted to tell me that she was going to come with me. "It'd be nice to see the guys, but I don't want to have to leave Daniel at Diane's for that long again," she said, looking torn.

"I'll watch him," Kim piped up, seeing the indecision on her sister's face. Instantly, both Hadley and I opened our mouths to ask if she was positive. But Kim was already moving on. "I miss him and I think he needs some intense bonding with his favorite aunt. Go get Marshall and have some celebratory fun," she insisted with a wave of her hands. She gave us a smile to let us know that she was truly okay with it.

Hadley threw her arms around Kim gratefully while I vocally gave my thanks. In just a second, we were in the car and on our way to drop off the wedding loot and get Marshall. I snuck the dress into the guest room closet while she distracted him once there, and then I waited in the backseat while they explained Daniel's routine to Kim. I was excited to go and see my best friends, anxiously awaiting the moments until we got reunited. I wasn't sure what exactly had kept me from seeing them since they'd been home besides being busy, and I refused to think it was a good enough reason. I was antsy by the time the front seats were occupied and we were on the way to the to the house that currently held so many people I loved. I practically skipped to the door in the cold weather when we finally got there.

"Jack!" I exclaimed when the door opened, completely shocked to see him here. I jumped into his arms and locked my own around his back tightly. "I didn't know you were in town. This thing where you live in LA is putting a hinderance on me annoying the hell out of you," I jokingly scolded when I pulled away from him. Hadley and Marshall had slipped passed us and were already joining the group in the kitchen.

Jack chuckled at me with a nod. "I miss my daily dose of Clarke nonsense when we're home," he claimed, draping his arm across my shoulders as he led me into the house. Him keeping me close was nothing like Oliver. Jack was a warm body I would always welcome to have his arm around me. Rian spotted the two of us entering the kitchen and hurried over, handing me a glass before wrapping me in a hug. We expressed how excited we were to see each other before it was just Jack and I again, left to question how life had been. For him, it was me asking how Holly was and how the last tour had gone. For me, it was him asking about much less interesting things but at least I was able to tell him I was happy.

The hours passed by quickly, and everyone spoke with everyone else. It was nothing like the last time I had been here; I wasn't scared of anything this time and wasn't dreading anyone seeing me. When I finally made my way downstairs to the basement where another small group were playing pool, I spotted Alex and the two of us smiled at each other in acknowledgement. I hoped we got a chance to talk sometime during the night and maybe speak about things long before the wedding. With him near, I could feel my stomach fill with butterflies at the thought of it. For a while though, I resolved to sit in the basement and listen to everything going on around me, taking in the reality that I got to be with my friends again.

Everyone else was drinking, like they always did when we were all together. I was sure wherever Hadley and Marshall were that they were even slightly drunk. Being parents didn't stop them when they knew that Daniel was safe with someone they trusted. I didn't want to drink heavily though. The glass of wine in front of me was the one I had been nursing since Rian had handed it to me hours ago. I was thinking about a lot, but trying to think about little. Surprisingly, it wasn't anything bad. I was running through all the happy thoughts the previous weeks had brought. I had a job that wasn't going to cause me to consider an early death and I was living in an amazing place thanks to the help Lisa had thrown my way. Things were looking up like they were supposed to. The break I was taking was turning out to work just like I had hoped. The only things that put me on edge at all were Oliver and his actions. If my thoughts happened to stray to him, I just hoped he would continue to get called out of town and forget all about living in Baltimore.

I took another sip from my glass, setting it on the table next to the couch when I noticed it was finally empty. I wasn't alone in the room but the few people that were also here were on the other side. I was barely noticed sitting on the couch, being as antisocial as ever just because I was content. I leaned my head back against the cushions, readying myself to get up for another drink that would take me three hours to finish. Before I could lift my head again though, I was thrown into a bout of deja vu. Someone sat next to me, the couch sinking ever so slightly. I looked over without any fear this time and saw Alex sitting there with a grin toward me. My stomach twisted some in anxiety, remembering everything I had thought in the early hours of my birthday after his call and just the other evening. This was the first time we'd been face-to-face since almost sleeping together. But I calmed quickly when I reminded myself he couldn't read my mind.

"Having fun?" he questioned, sliding a little closer since I had now recognized his presence. It didn't matter that he didn't know that I was ready for us again because he would always take matters into his own hands if he wanted it.

I raised my head, still turned in his direction and nodded. "Yeah, I am. I'm tired, but trying to push it away. I'd like to leave this couch sometime tonight," I expressed with a small smile. I uncrossed my legs in anticipation of doing just that. I still had intentions of getting another drink if only just to calm the fluttering in my stomach that started again with him next to me. "What about you?" I shook my head, deciding that was a stupid question. "How was South America? That's a pretty big step in your career," I amended, deciding this was a much better topic. It was something I wanted to know since we hadn't spoken while he was there.

He situated himself so that he was turned toward me, his knee touching mine. He let his arm rest across the back of the sofa behind me and looked rather comfortable while he answered. "It was beautiful and the shows were awesome. Is that really what you want to talk about though when there's so much that could be said?" he inquired, lowering his voice as soon as he had answered my own question.

I was sure I looked dumbfounded for a second, but regained composure quickly. He was right that there was much to be said. That was how it always was between us. I was sure even he knew that we couldn't have another conversation about our relationship during a party again. It could surely wait for a more appropriate time. As I went to point this out though, I felt that his knee was not the only thing touching mine anymore. His other hand was resting there, and I slowly followed his arm to stare at him. "What-"

"Clarke, I fucking miss you. Everything about you, about us. Please, just say it's all right to give up on finding yourself for a little while. I'm not begging you to come back for good. I don't want to sound like I'm begging at all. I just want to feel us again for a night, then you can pretend like I don't exist again," he explained, not once breaking eye contact with me. The intense longing was brilliant in his chocolate brown irises.

There was so much I wanted to say in response. I didn't want to pretend like he didn't exist. I didn't want this to last only one night. I was done with all I had wanted to do, and there couldn't be anything better than having him with me again. All I could find in me was a simple nod. This seemed to be all the answer he needed. His lips were on mine and there were whispered words about being alone and then we were sneaking out from under the eye of all our friends.