'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Alex and I didn't sleep that night. We talked and we cuddled and we laughed and we made love. Now that we were given time, sleep was the last thing on both of our minds. It had been so long since we had even had a conversation that I was happy simply listening to his voice. I still couldn't believe that he was here, that everything had turned into this in such a short time. I wouldn't have thought there was any truth in it if someone had told me just this morning that he would be lying in my bed again by the end of the night. It was almost like like nothing had even changed. I could push everything that had put doubt in my mind aside and think about nothing but his skin on mine. He didn't ask questions of our time apart or anything of the sort -which I was grateful for- and it led me to believe that he was reveling in me just as much.

Legs still tangled together, we lay side-by-side with our heads on the same pillow. We occupied the middle of the bed so that I -who was lying closest to it- wouldn't feel the chill of the brick wall. With his arms around me, I wasn't sure I would have been able to. His embrace was definitely what had a smile on my face though. I had smiled a lot since November, but none felt as real as this one all thanks to being next to him. We were completely alone in the house. Or at least I assumed since I hadn't heard the girls come home. It left us in a bubble of our own, impenetrable and indestructible while our moods were so high.

He walked his fingers up my arm, goosebumps trailing in his wake. I watched his face while he focused on what he was doing. His eyelids were lowered while he looked down, but his eyes were bright behind them. He wasn't bothering to hide his excitement in them. Until he reached my shoulder, that is, and an obvious question formed, leaving him looking confused. "What's this from?" he inquired, running a single fingertip over the skin lightly so as not to hurt me.

Having completely forgotten what it looked like since my shower, I looked down and found the ugly bruise. I shouldn't have been so surprised to see it, but I couldn't stop the knot forming in the pit of my stomach at recent memories rushing into the forefront of my brain. "I uh, slammed it on the counter. I bent down to pick something up and wasn't pay attention when I stood up again," I lied, and I knew my months of lying to both Oliver and Hadley had me sounding convincing. There was no way I wanted him to know how I had actually gotten the bruise, especially now. If I thought before that he would want to do something about it, there was no doubt that he really would now.

He pouted before leaning over and kissing it gently. "You've gotta be more careful, sweetheart," he said when he pulled away, completely believing my story.

"Don't call me sweetheart," I shot back automatically, my tone holding more acid than I knew it should be. It was a knee jerk reaction to sound so angry about the pet name, and I hadn't even realized that it would cause such a reaction when I had been nothing but blissful for hours. Oliver's use of it had gotten to be too much, apparently. It would be a surprise if I ever stopped associating it with his malevolent behavior.

Alex didn't seem to notice my sudden change in mood though, and continued to trace small circles around the bruise. "All right, love. It's not my favorite, so we can call it a deal," he grinned, looking me in the eye again.

I couldn't help but smile right back, my anger melting away without any problem at seeing that he didn't think I was acting any different. "Speaking of marks," I said, changing the subject back and reaching out to touch his shoulder opposite mine, "I'm sorry about that." My fingers ran around the faint outline of my teeth near the base of his neck. It would have been embarrassing to me if it hadn't been completely his fault.

He craned his neck to look down at his shoulder much like I had, and then chuckled. "Maybe I shouldn't have caused you to make noises while we were still in everyone else's company," he figured with a shrug against the sheets.

I snorted softly, burying my face in the pillow briefly to hide the blush spreading across my cheeks. When I turned to him again, he was chuckling, too. "No, maybe you shouldn't," I agreed, but slid my head closer to his nonetheless. "But we're alone now. Still alone, I should point out. Still happy," I went on, and it only took a second for the hint to sink in before he connected our lips and forced our happy moods to stay.

Sometime later, after the sun had risen to bathe the room in winter sunlight as it had been for days now, we decided that staying up all night had made us hungry. We were reluctant to part after refusing to remove one of us from the other for so many hours. We spent longer discussing the possibility of leaving my warm bed than it would have taken to just do it. But eventually, I convinced him that it would be beneficial for him to run to the kitchen and grab everything he could. He groveled some before kissing me and climbing out of bed to run out my bedroom door. I giggled at him as I rolled out of bed myself and then began looking around for something to put on.

"Grab peanut butter!" I called to him, picking up his shirt from the night before and slipping it over my head. "Oh, and Kit-Kats if you can find any out there!" I added as an afterthought.

"Baby, you don't live in a convenience store," Alex said, his voice carrying throughout the house. He sounded amused. "I highly doubt- Shit, what do you know? There's a whole damn bag in this cupboard," he announced in surprise.

Chuckling again, I seated myself on the edge of the bed. "Leave a note, too, please," I reminded him, though I probably hadn't mentioned it in the first place.

"A note?" he questioned, now confused.

"Just list what you took and say that I'll replace it this week," I told him. I had lived here a week and had yet to do any shopping of my own, meaning none of the food was actually mine. The last thing I wanted was to cause trouble by eating Meg's and Ashleigh's food with my boyfriend. The last word made my thoughts stop in their tracks. We hadn't had a chance to talk about any of that yet.

"Clarke, I'm completely naked in your kitchen, giving your neighbors the best show of their lives, and have my arms full of our greatly unhealthy snacks. You want me to make a list of everything I'm essentially stealing from your roommates? Who could be home at any minute? If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you right now," he insisted before I could even answer his question. One word made me smile though, allowing me to toss aside the worries I'd had only a moment ago. Knowing he would do as I said, I didn't say anything more and simply waited for him to come back. I kicked my legs against the side of the bed while picking at a loose thread on the comforter. "Hey! I don't think it's very fair that you get to be dressed while I just had to run around with nothing on," he scolded out of nowhere, making me jump slightly at realizing I was no longer alone in the room. Despite having feigned anger, he was grinning as he dumped everything next to me and then jumped back into bed.

Spinning around, I crossed my legs so that I could examine everything he had brought. "No one said you had to run around nude. I personally think you just like to take a page from Jack's book every once in a while," I stated, waggling my finger at him like it was bad to act like his best friend. I grabbed for the jar of peanut butter then, completely thrown off track by the sight of it. With it in my grasp, I got up just enough to crawl over to him. His arms automatically went around me when I pressed my back to his chest.

"I mentioned I've missed you, right?" he wondered, his lips close to my ear as he nuzzled his nose in my hair. "Even if I did, it needs to be said again… and again. And again." He pressed his lips to mine when I turned my head to face him, and it occupied us for another few minutes.

When I went to put my hand up to pull him closer though, I was reminded of what I had in it. "I don't ever want us to have to miss each other while we're in the same town again," I admitted, and it really was the truth. I was over everything I had done. "But I have Kit-Kats and peanut butter in my vicinity, plus you got grapes. I want to be a fat ass with you and then we can work it off by making up for our time apart," I suggested, whispering it against his lips. I felt them turn up at the corners before he pulled away, nodding in agreement. He reached around me to grab the bag of chocolate and also the fruit I had mentioned. We left the rest in the pile on the other side of the bed, satisfied for the time being.

"Can I ask you something?" Alex wondered, speaking around a grape. We had been silent for a few minutes but it was comfortable, one that was just as peaceful as cutesy conversation. He sat with his back to my headboard while I sat against the bricks with my legs over his lap. With these words though, I got the urge to pull them toward myself and pretend like I hadn't heard him. Maybe he noticed this, because he reached out to place his hand on my leg as reassurance. "I don't want to ruin all of this, but it's killing me. Would you have really said no to my proposal?" he inquired without warning, looking down as if he didn't want to know the answer.

I almost wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but knew it would probably be wrong to do. I had thought a lot about this subject and was pretty sure I knew my answer. "I think I would have," I nodded soberly. I moved on quickly so he wouldn't feel the need to storm out. "Here's the truth, Alex. Hadley… She didn't exactly have me convinced that I had a fear of commitment. But she mentioned it and I couldn't unstick it from my brain. And I do think it's something I have a problem with, but not as badly as I led myself to believe. Why wouldn't I want to stay with you? I do want to marry you, someday. Right now though, a ring is too much. I can't fathom it. I'm sorry that it took me acting like such a bitch to realize this, and I hope you can forgive me for both treating you like that and telling you now that I can't accept the ring, because I love you and I'm sick of being apart. In turn, I'll give you a promise that someday I will take the ring and be your wife," I pledged. Wife sounded weird rolling off my tongue in relation to myself, and especially while we were so young. I wouldn't deny it though. I wanted it to happen.

"Do you really want to?" Alex asked lowly after a moment of thinking. He still wasn't looking at me, instead focusing on his long fingers as he pushed around grapes inside the bag as if searching for the best one. It worried me that maybe he couldn't agree to this, and the butterflies that hadn't left my stomach since last night formed a solid mass and made my stomach drop like a brick.

"Be your wife?" I confirmed, feeling a slight waver within the weight at saying it again. He looked up finally to nod, trying his best not to look so enthusiastic and failing. The fluttering intensified and I was able to smirk at him. "In the future, yeah. You'll be my solution to this useless fear," I answered, and it only took a moment for him to pull me to him.

I fell on his chest the same second our lips met. "We won't talk about it again. Not until you're ready," he promised, trying his best to speak at the same time that he was kissing me with everything he had.

As much as I enjoyed this reaction and appreciated his assurance, I pulled away. "If I don't go brush my teeth, you're going to find the peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth and it's going to completely kill the mood," I said with an amused smile. He chuckled but pushed me up with fake disgusted words. I laughed as I padded into the bathroom, and wasn't at all surprised when he followed along behind me.

He had paused so I was already brushing my teeth when he came into the bathroom finally dressed. Well, at least partially dressed. He bypassed me leaning against a section of the counter closest to the door and hopped up to sit on the other side in nothing but his boxer-briefs. "I did not notice last night that there's a dresser between the doors out there. How did I not slam into that?" he wondered, laughing again.

I snorted, trying my best to not drool toothpaste while shaking my head. It would probably remain a mystery how he had missed the dresser, and I attempted to say as much around my toothbrush. There were more giggles from the both of us when I failed and spit rolled down to my chin. Jokingly claiming I was incapable, he wiped it off for me and kissed my nose before deciding that I couldn't be the only one with minty fresh breath. He dug around in the drawers for a new toothbrush and then pulled me close to him when I had finished myself, kissing me the second after he rinsed.

"We're so good at oral hygiene," he announced while he led us out into my room. His arms were wrapped around me while we walked and it was difficult to keep balance but I still nodded in agreement. Assuming we would fall back into bed, I set my sights on it. He pulled me down onto the floor though, in front of the bookcase that set at the end of the bed. He released his hold on me and sat cross-legged against the comforter that was hanging over onto the floor. "This is my cardigan, you know," he informed me, having clearly gotten distracted when he spotted what else he'd sat next to.

I was confused for all of two seconds until he lifted the cardigan I had slipped on yesterday morning. "Is not," I responded indignantly. I had been very thorough when I'd gone though my things before moving out of my apartment. I was sure that everything of his was in the box Hadley had brought to him while I was away, and now back in place in his room. I took the sweater from his grasp and examined it just to be positive.

"Is too!" he argued. "It's my GK cardigan. My name is even on the other side of the tag." His explanation was full smugness, like he knew something about this mishap that I didn't.

I ran my fingers along the bottom hem until I found the flying pig adorned tag and turned it over to discover his name printed there. "Damn it, you're right." I didn't mean to sound so forlorn, but I thought I had cut the tie with his belongings. It had been the necessary step in my attempts to forget about him. Now all I could think was that I had subconsciously kept it because I always knew that I wasn't actually scared of the inevitability of being with him again. I held it out to him, "Take it back then." He hadn't asked for it back, but it would feel right until everything was sorted out again.

Alex pushed my hand back to me gently, his fingers closing over mine. "Keep it," he insisted. "I have another one. I just missed fucking with you. Well, I just missed you," he shrugged with a smirk.

I couldn't even think to hide my blush. If I missed anything about him, it was when he said things like that. "Only if you put it on. That way I can have you with me whenever I wear it," I compromised, feeling my cheeks flare up even more. His fingers loosened over my hand and he pulled the cardigan from my own to slip it over his arms. The smile never left his face as he went through with my request. "So why are we actually down here?" I asked when the cardigan was in place on his torso, and took his hand.

"Your books!" he exclaimed, turning to look at the shelves stacked with books. "These are all your old ones. I wondered where they got to," he said, reaching out to grab a random one.

"My parents had them. Now that I'm not in college, my mom thought I should take them back," I told him with a shrug. I took one from the bottom shelf, flipping it over to read the back cover. It had been a long time since I had even seen any of them, let alone read them. My mother had handed me four boxes full before I had left their house, and I couldn't say I was ungrateful for it. So many of these books had defined me and shaped the way I thought about things, at least for a little while. The binding of the one I held was practically gone, the paperback cover bent every which way from how often I had read it since middle school.

We were quiet for a while then. I scooted closer to him, sitting on his other side. My hand left his but he let me lean against him and he put his arm around me. We were absorbed in each other and the books we had each grabbed. It was another example of how easily we fit together and how quickly things could go back to normal because of it. If we were back together officially, it had only been a few hours. Yet we were already lying comfortably together as if we'd cut out November through January and smashed the bordering months together. I basked in it, because I loved being with him and couldn't deny that he made me feel so much better.

Even though things were perfect, they weren't protected from being broken. What had to be an hour later, car doors shut out in the driveway and his phone rang from the pocket of his jeans simultaneously. We both looked up, in different directions, to try to see who had interrupted us. I was pretty sure who had showed up to the house, but he had to get up to see who was calling. Almost like I knew he would need it, I took his shirt off and began searching for pajamas of some sort to replace it. He pulled his jeans on while he listened to the voicemail with his phone pressed between ear and shoulder.

"I forgot that I'm going over to my parents' today. My mom was just making sure I'm not still asleep," he enlightened me while he stuffed his phone back into his back pocket. He peeled the cardigan off and traded me for his shirt. He grinned when he saw me putting the sweater over my own shirt.

"I'll walk you out," I offered when he was done, and he took my hand in approval. Our fingers laced almost of their own accord as we headed out into the hall. We didn't see the girls before we got outside, and I was thankful that I wouldn't have to explain anything just yet. The air outside was as cold as I had anticipated, making me wish I had at least put shoes on. But I was determined to power through it and ignored the freezing blacktop when we stood next to his car. We wound our arms around each other, me stuffing my hands into his back pockets while he rubbed his up and down my back to keep me warm. "I'm glad this happened," I whispered, looking up into his face.

"Me too," Alex muttered, pressing his lips to my forehead. "To make it short and sweet so I don't have an ice cube for a girlfriend: I love you." He held me closer just to prove his point.

"I love you, too," I smiled, swallowing all of the apologies I wanted to give for how I had acted. There was so much time ahead of us to say sorry.

We kissed again, probably much longer than we should have considering the temperature. It was another few minutes until we broke apart so he could get in the driver's seat. Through the window he had rolled down, he begged for one more kiss and then promised to call me later. I watched him pull out and drive off down the street despite my cold feet, unable to remove the smile from my face as he beeped his horn the whole way. The smile had been a fixed expression for almost twelve hours. With his car out of sight, I sprinted back into the house to snuggle into the sheets that had his renewed scent etched into them.